So much of my daily journey takes me back to last year. How I felt. So much I do not remember. So much is still stuck vividly in my mind. This post echoes the cry of my heart. This week I have felt weary and worn. But we are holding on. Clinging to the rock that is higher than I.
Dear God,
I find myself in a deep place today. My first thoughts are usually to bring praise and Glory to your name. It is the habit established for more than 20 years now. My first thoughts when my eyes flutter open are to praise you. . .no matter how I feel. Today. . .I opened my eyes and pushed through the raw grief; the weight that threatens to engulf. I look for you. It is rainy and dark out. I know this day will be a struggle. I cry for this all to not be. I am weary and worn.
There are so many holding us up and we are so grateful for that. But some days are just going to be hard. And I look to you God. And I remember your promises.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls.
"For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
So, I am laying my burdens down. I give you all my tears and sorrows because this burden is too much to carry. . .the weight is crushing. You have laid me bare with the loss of my flesh and blood. The child from my womb. Yet, I know from the beginning of creation you had numbered his days.
Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
So take me LORD. Mold me into the vessel you need me to be. Smooth my rough edges. Help me to be more like you in all I do. I am tired and I am weary. My soul cries for your comfort.
Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might, He increases power.
I am worn. . .Let me know the struggle ends. . . that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.
The kitchen is a mess. We have a house guest coming for 3 weeks.
There is no safe way up the stairs and through the hallway with out a navigation system.
The lawn needs mowing and I haven't taken time for my heart to be still.
You would think after all these years I wouldn't get off track.
But I have.
Mother's Day, cooking, cleaning, church, games.
All important things.
But not the things that should matter.
Finding that still, quiet time to pour over the Ancient Word is so crucial to my being.
And I have filled the space with other things.
My cup runneth empty.
I begin to ooze all over. It is not pretty.
The college kids are all coming home.
It is so good to see them. See, most of them left shortly after the accident.
She says it on the ball field.
They're such good kids.
And my heart stops. She says it with such love.
I knew that feeling.
I remember it well.
It was the pride that comes with a son who has graduated;
who is beginning a new season in his life.
Words can't describe the feeling.
It is a deep love for your boy. A sense of completion. The future before him.
And my heart constricts and the tears begin to flow. I turn because I don't want them to see.
Oh how I miss my boy. How I wish he was coming home from college.
For now, I breathe deep.
I let him pour his spirit into my aching soul. Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I sit down in front of those ivory keys. It is rare I play anymore. The drums lie silent in the corner and sometimes it's too much.
I slowly plunk out the melody. "Knowing You " I long for the drums to be playing with me. ""Knowing you, Jesus" I want him here."Knowing you" This hurt is so raw. "There is no greater thing" God knows my pain. "You're my all, you're the best." He is all I need. The tears flow. I don't hold back. He is all my focus. "You're my joy, my righteousness. And I love you Lord."
My farm boy walks into the room and wraps me in a bear hug.
He rubs my back.
This man-boy.
Wrestling with the weight of the world.
He too, stepping one moment at a time into grace.
That's what it comes down to. We turn the heartache over to Him.
We breathe in deep the joy of the day.
We plant our feet on the solid rock. This journey is not easy.
We will rest in you Jesus.
My hope is in you.
So find rest today my friends. Find the hope that awaits you.
Fill your cup to the brim.
When the mountains are falling When the waters are rising I shall be safe in you.
He says he can. We don't have to wait 3 more days for the results. A mistake; used to give us answers. I don't even know what to pray.
I hold my breath.
But I think I have been holding it for months.
He says the chest is clear.
Then there is a pause.
My head spins and the bottom drops out of my stomach. I brace myself. A peace descends. No matter what. God will see us through.
He starts to read.
Head and neck clear, typical radiation residue. I exhale.
He says he is glad to give us some good news.
He a believer.
He who prayed with us when my farmer was first diagnosed.
He now tells us the scans are clear.
I tell my farmer.
And I start to cry. The scans are clear.
I can't stop.
I start to shake.
It is unbelievable.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
The cancer is gone. My farmer smiles. He puts his head in his hands. He just wants to lay down. He's so tired. The joy thief strong today.
I try to make myself feel joy. It's not there. Not yet. It's coming. I know. But right now; I feel like a spring that was just sprung. I am tired. I am worn. This has been a battle. I have fought with everything I have. God has equipped us with all we need. For it is only in my weakness that I am strong. It is His power manifested in us. Exodus 14:14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
I am bone weary. The relief we get is from the strength found in the Lord. It is breathing deep.
5-26-13
It is seeking the quiet and perfecting the listening. It is the hope. Hope that there is a future. Hope that this winter laden earth will yield to Spring time again. Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
He is all we need.
You can have all this world.
When my heart is breaking.
When nothing is going right on the farm
When I long for my son with all my heart.
When I cry out for the cancer to be gone and for depression to flee.
When I am weary from the weight of the unknown.
Just give me Jesus. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
His love is greater than all my fears. My farmer will have his scans today.
I will rest in knowing God is greater than all my fears.
I am His and He is mine. I will walk into Praise.
The waiting for the toxic cocktails and radiation to complete their work.
Long after the treatments have stopped, these 2 cohorts will continue to leash their effects.
Unseen, they work.
Much like the work Christ is completing in each of us.
It is unseen. But its work is powerful. When God is silent He is most often doing his greatest work.
These are truths I embrace on this journey.
I can not see all the work that is being done through these trials rough steps.
The work quietly being accomplished.
Philippians 1:6 being confident of this,
that he who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
We may not be able to see the work God is accomplishing in us. But rest assured He is. He is at work.
And he will remain at work.
Long after my weary soul, admits defeat.
Long after my prayers cease because I have no words left.
Long after I have collapsed from weariness from the wracking sobs of heartache. He is still at work.
Job 19:25 I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. "And the same gentle hands, that hold me when I am broken. They conquered death, to bring me victory Now I know my Redeemer lives. . ."
Before I had even finished writing my last post,
I received word that Cheslea's Grandmother had died on New Year's Eve.
She was at a party.
Just fine.
And had a heart attack; Just like that.
In a year when we have experienced so much heart ache. This feels like too much.
What do you do when you feel like at every corner you're knocked down?
When life is relentless in it's burden.
How do you live when all is heavy and weighted down?
There is no option for surrender.
The only option is to press on.
Press on towards that goal.
Take a moment to listen to this again.
He speaks to the goal we press on towards. Literally weeks before he was called home.
Press on. . .all you who are weary.
I miss his voice, I long for him to be with us.
Yet, I treasure this gift.
Phillipians 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
But it's not drudgery. There is meaning and purpose. There is joy for the journey. Taking raw pain and finding a place for it to dwell is hard work. It is a daily task. A daily step to choose to give thanks and praise. To shake off the bitterness that threatens to engulf. To step forward into joy when your heart is breaking in a million pieces.
This was my post last New Year's Day.
Just one year ago.
And though I still am not making a list or making resolutions.
The cry of my heart is still the same.
Wasn't much into celebrating last night. Went to bed early. Woke up to the 2 little girls sound asleep on the couch! I wonder if they made it to midnight! Happy New Year everyone! I am not a list or a resolution girl. . .but I do want to honor God this year. I don't want this life to be about me. I want to serve others. While taking care of my mom, I experienced such a wonderful gift. Caring for your mother is a heartbreaking joy. . . a deep down joy that no one can touch. So here is to a year NOT about doing what's right for me. . . or putting myself first. Here is to a year where I surrender and let God lead my steps. . . Because even in the hard times . . .with God is better than on my own. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. . . "Because even in the hard times. . .with God, is better than on my own". This past year has been so hard. Frankly, it still is hard. Each breath that I take, each action I perform is surrendered to the will of God because I don't know how to walk this road. So again, I cling to what I do know. Much of my day requires moment by moment clinging to what I know. And what I know is; God is good. . .God is sovereign, and God knows. . . He knows my pain. Sometimes that does not give me peace. And that is where my faith meets the truth. If I claim to know God; then I will claim to know and trust him in the agony. We said Good Bye to cousins and came home to a quiet house.
For a moment, just a moment, this awful sadness began to permeate. But friends stopped over and it was a nice distraction. I then stepped into all that needs to be done. I wasn't as nice as I could have been, I was tired, but it was a start. That's all we need to do- is start, take a step. God will take care of the rest.
God will make a way When there seems to be no way. Forever He is faithful He will make a road When you bear a heavy load
The house echos without her presence. There is something so desperately missing. The kids say it on the way in. "I miss Nana greeting us at the door, Abbey too." This log cabin; this was her pride and joy. Oh, how she loved her home. She cared for it with a
tenderness and love like no one else.
She so appreciated everything about this place. She loved being in the country; she loved to sit on her front porch. It's funny to think how different we are. She loved to work and work to make the house so clean and perfect. And then she would sit and read in her chair and enjoy. I struggle with all those things. I struggle to keep things clean and then to sit. It's not in my nature. But I never seem to get anything done.
I walk in the door. I set my bags on the bed.
It is an act I have done hundreds of times through the years. Today I feel old and worn. I hug dad tight. So much has changed. So much is different. I visit with the caregiver and get to know her a little. This woman with a history unknown to me; now part of mine.
There are flowers on the breakfast bar.
The caregiver brought them.
She had noticed it was the anniversary of mom's home going.
I sit with dad while the tears flow.
I can't hold them back any longer.
Aunt Joan, Mr Ankner,
Abbey; mom and dad's dog. . .,
Mom, Dad's memory, Elijah and our dog Pemberly;
all taken with in a year.
And then a diagnosis of cancer.
The weight crushing.
There's been no time to recoup before another loss is experienced.
The sign on the wall by mom's place at the table says:
I read it as I long for things to be different; as I try to order this new world.
And the care giver tells me she had to take Elijah's picture from the funeral off the table because it was too much for dad. And the cards that were coming in just made him so emotional. And I think that's what it is.
Your focus has to be changed; your vision set on things that are eternal. So, I don't move the picture. I move myself and all my thoughts back to the only thing that will restore peace. 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Moment by moment we will walk this journey. Thanks mom for the reminder.
There's a call from the hospital. Gary has to have a port put in place for the chemo.
This is news to us, and again memories of mom come flooding forth.
We are on a journey that is relentless in force.
A journey with no respect for time, feelings or schedules.
Yet this is the path God has chosen for us.
This is the journey we will walk and we will walk it in the strength and power given to us
for each moment.
I remember part of song from childhood.
"Don't worry 'bout tomorrow, just you be real good today, the Lord is right beside you, and he will guide you all the way, So have faith, hope and Charity and the blessed Lord you'll surely please, How do I know? The bible tells me so."
I will remain present in this moment.
I seek the grace for each step.
Because my aching heart can not bear the weight.
I have nothing left; and that is when He can do his greatest work.
Lord, I come, I confess Bowing here, I find my rest Without you I fall apart You're the one that guides my heart. Lord I need you, Oh I need you.
