I wake and I can feel the oppression.
It is heavy.
The weight of loss; the ache.
Sometimes it's so hard to pray.
I don't know what to say.
It feels trivial.
I've said it a hundred times already.
God please be with me. Please, do not leave me.
I pray Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I say the verse over and over.
I long for Him to strengthen me.
To hold me.
These days are hard.
I will take the kids to camp on Sunday.
It will be a year since Cedric has seen his brother.
Cedric went to camp for a week,
He came home and went straight to the haying field.
He never saw Elijah.
I am so grateful I took this picture.
Taken with the iPhone I didn't want to get.
Still learning how to use it; I snapped a memory.
These boys had fought so much through their growing years.
Both strong willed; determined.
Heads butting over menial issues.
Lately though, things had begun to change.
There was a comaraderie.
A new appreciation for each other.
Elijah's departure to the Marine's looming.
They were changing.
My farmer and I were reveling in the dinner conversations and harmony
that was descending as these boys matured.
I snapped the memory.
Now that is all there is left.
Did my spirit know and understand how monumental this moment was?
This wasn't a typical moment.
Elijah reached in the car, to hug his brother.
It would be the last.
I am grateful I have this photo.
The memory etched clearly in my mind.
Gifts of photo's of each of the kids taken within the last year.
Moments of grace given.
Gifts that did not have to be bestowed.
Even in death God is present and active.
He has never stopped working His purpose.
Even in the raw and hard.
I will bow my knee low to the ground today as I walk this weary road.
I will wait upon the risen Lord to fill my soul with his abounding love.