Friday, December 6, 2013

God Works In Moments

The house echos without her presence. There is something so desperately missing. The kids say it on the way in. "I miss Nana greeting us at the door, Abbey too." This log cabin; this was her pride and joy. Oh, how she loved her home. She cared for it with a
tenderness and love like no one else. 

She so appreciated everything about this place. She loved being in the country; she loved to sit on her front porch.  It's funny to think how different we are. She loved to work and work to make the house so clean and perfect. And then she would sit and read in her chair and enjoy. I struggle with all those things. I struggle to keep things clean and then to sit. It's not in my nature. But I never seem to get anything done. 

 I walk in the door. I set my bags on the bed. 
It is an act I have done hundreds of times through the years. Today I feel old and worn. I hug dad tight. So much has changed. So much is different. I visit with the caregiver and get to know her a little. This woman with a history unknown to me; now part of mine. 
There are flowers on the breakfast bar. 
The caregiver brought them. 
She had noticed it was the anniversary of mom's home going.
I sit with dad while the tears flow.

I can't hold them back any longer. 
Aunt Joan, Mr Ankner,
Abbey; mom and dad's dog. . .,
Mom, Dad's memory, Elijah and our dog Pemberly;
 all taken with in a year.
And then a diagnosis of cancer. 
The weight crushing.
There's been no time to recoup before another loss is experienced.

The sign on the wall by mom's place at the table says:

I read it as I long for things to be different; as I try to order this new world.
And the care giver tells me she had to take Elijah's picture from the funeral off the table because it was too much for dad. And the cards that were coming in just made him so emotional.
And I think that's what it is.
Your focus has to be changed; your vision set on things that are eternal. So, I don't move the picture. I move myself and all my thoughts back to the only thing that will restore peace.

2 Corinthians 4:8-12
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Moment by moment we will walk this journey.
Thanks mom for the reminder.

There's a call from the hospital. Gary has to have a port put in place for the chemo.
This is news to us, and again memories of mom come flooding forth.
We are on a journey that is relentless in force.
A journey with no respect for time, feelings or schedules.

Yet this is the path God has chosen for us.
This is the journey we will walk and we will walk it in the strength and power given to us
 for each moment.

I remember part of song from childhood.

"Don't worry 'bout tomorrow, just you be real good today, 
the Lord is right beside you, and he will guide you all the way, 
So have faith, hope and Charity and the blessed Lord you'll surely please,
 How do I know? The bible tells me so."

I will remain present in this moment.
 I seek the grace for each step.
Because my aching heart can not bear the weight.
I have nothing left; and that is when He can do his greatest work.

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here,
I find my rest
Without you I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart.
Lord I need you, Oh I need you.


  1. This morning I took my son to the airport. He has some trials of his own to deal with and I sang the same childhood song on the way home. I pray for you and yours daily. God is good and there is strength in Jesus. God bless your day.

    1. Thank you. God is good. That song is an oldie but goodie. . .

  2. Tammy, God has used 2 Corinthians chapters 4 and 5 powerfully in my life. The verses you quoted from chapter 4 reminded me of some others. When you can meditate on 4:15 through 5:5. May they be a solace to you. You are continually in our prayers.

    1. Thank you for your support and encouragement. We walk by faith. . .not by sight.