I Ponder These Things

13 years ago I sat in the wee hours of the morning. 

Bathed in the twinkling Christmas lights. 

Hope wrapped inside; heavy with child. 

Nights uncomfortable. 

 Seeking solace in the quiet. 

Pondering. 

So different from my walk today. 

A Christmas child. 

Due at any moment. 

What did Mary feel as she carried the Hope of all Nations? 

What was it like that night when all hung in balance as the 

Incarnate became Flesh? 

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Prophesy fulfilled. 

The journey to the Cross begun. 

All aligned.

Just as planned.

I pondered these things as the life in me moved. 

4 other children in the home. 

Wisdom on my side. 

A desire to slow time. 

Be in the moment. 

Treasure the deep of the night. 

The quiet.  

The season. 

Hope. 

Anticipation of what was to come. 

Advent

The moments ticked by as heaviness closed my lids. 

The sweet surrender of sleep. 

I pulled the blankets closer and breathed deep, the joy and expectation. 

Those sweet days of child bearing and hope. 

The future; joyous and unmarred. 

In stark contrast to the grief these days. 

The ache that drags and pulls. 

But that is not the way. 

The hope was not in flesh. 

Not in earthly vessels. 

My hope rests in that which can not be seen. 

In Him who came in humbleness to serve. 

The One I seek; Came for all. 

With a purpose. 

 He became flesh and bore our sin. 

He reigned on High and came as a child. 

His message of Peace for All. 

While sitting in the glow of twinkling Christmas lights;

I ponder these things. 

Hope. 

Joy. 

Grace. 

Forgiveness. 

Mercy. 

When Your Heart Is Breaking, Can You Still Sing, "Gloria In Excelsis Deo"?

4 years. 4 roses. 

2 of those anniversaries were celebrated with romance and promises; 
dreams and a future.

2 of them have been celebrated with her bringing the roses;

to the cold hard earth. 

No reciprocation. 

No warmth. 

Silence. 

Heart breaking, heart wrenching quiet. 

The dreams and hopes never to be. 

A life, a love; silenced.

And we are learning how to live without. 

We're learning how to step a foot in front of the other without a part of who we are. 

Our family looks different. 

The family photos. 

The dinner table. 

Everything. 

Everything has changed. 

But I want it to change for the better. 

The surrender needs to be holy. 

The walk, intentional. 

The cry of my heart; the cross. 

We seek the purpose of the One who called us here. 

He is refining, shaping, molding. 

Psalm 66:10
For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.

Even when the heart is shattered. 

Even when the days seem unbearable. 

His purposes remain. 

I Peter 1:6-9
 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honorwhen Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,  for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Advent pushes our hearts to wait. 
We are asked to do the hard thing. 
Waiting is not easy. 
We rush to this and that. 
We plan. 
Yet, in the waiting something beautiful occurs. 
Our spirits are transformed and the holy reaches down. 
The transformation happens as He wills and moves.
I pray that as you move through this last week in Advent that your waiting is holy. 
That the deep peace of Christ will transform your being. 
In the darkness of this morning, I am again laying down all I am and surrendering all.
My burdens are at the foot of the cross. 
My heart is held. 
And I will continue to wait in this holiest of all seasons. 


The Piano Guys
Angels We Have Heard On High

For the record, the piano guy looks like Elijah. 
And the first time I saw this video; My heart skipped a beat.
Elijah could play the piano like no ones business. 
He was so very talented in so many areas. 
I miss him with every fiber of my being. 
I long to have him back. 
I long to hear the drums and hear Charlie Brown's Christmas as he plays the piano. 
But he is safe in the Father's arms. 
He will never know the heartache and pain we are experiencing. 
Or any other pain. 
He will only know joy. 
He will only know holiness. 
Isn't that what we long for, for our children?
And for that I will sing boldly and mightily. 

Angels we have heard on high
Sweetly singing o’er the plains,
And the mountains in reply
Echoing their joyous strains.
Gloria in excelsis Deo

Grace That Visits Your Door, When Your Heart Is Breaking On Christmas Day

I don't want to say we made it through the day. 

But we did. 

How do you celebrate Christmas with your 17 year old son buried deep beneath the winter snow?

How do you breathe in and out missing a part of you?

How do you look at stockings and open presents;

 when your heart is shattered into a millions fragments. 

My boy is gone. And I miss him so much. 

But he has gone where Angels trod.

The same Angels that proclaimed the birth of the Most High, 

The same Angels that declared that He is Risen. 

His work finished, here on this earth. 

And no matter how I want to change that.

 I can't. 

So on Christmas morning we do what we know. 

We head to the manger, while the stars still shine and all is still. 

Before the presents are opened;

 we gather to celebrate the only gift that really matters. 

Our hearts are full.

We arrive home to open presents and finish chores.

And then this family heads to the movies. 

Yes.

On Christmas Day. 

We pack up. 

We do something we rarely do. 

And it was wonderful.

"Saving Mr. Banks", is fabulous movie. It is well done. 

I don't know why it's PG 13.

 It was the perfect movie for Christmas Day. 

Themes of redemption and not letting your past drive you down, but up to something meaningful. 

It was full of hope. 

From there our day continued to be memorable. 

We headed to the airport to pick up a dear cousin. 

Once upon a time ago, I spent all my Christmases with this cousin and his family; his brother too lies deep in the earth. 

Memories swirled in my head thinking back to those times. 

Presents, and happy child glow.

 Music. Always music. 

From the airport we return home to find that the sweetest of step daughter's 

and her family have come a day early. 

They too finding this day out of sorts.

I hold that precious baby.

I haven't finished wrapping or cleaned or made any preparations.

I thought I had another day. 

But it doesn't matter. 

Because sometimes the greatest gifts can't be bought. 

And sometimes God blessings come so unexpected. 

 Childhood memories dance through my head and the treasure of a cousin here in town are what I think about as the day closes on Christmas 2013.

I think about the grace that has visited this farmhouse today.

When it was least expected. 

Are You Overwhelmed By All The Christmas To Do's? Why Don't You Lay It All Down. . .Just For A Moment?

I sit on his bed. 

It's been 20 weeks since God called Elijah's name. 

I breathe in, hoping for a change in circumstances. Hoping to catch a scent. But there's nothing. 

He is not here and what remains is fading. 

It's been 20 weeks since I have seen his face or touched the child I bore down to bring life.

Longer than he would have been gone to boot camp; and it's only the beginning of the "longer thans". 

Each time the girls remember something about him. I ask them to tell me more. 

Describe to me in detail what they saw or were feeling. 

I don't want them to forget. 

I want them to remember. 

Remember Large hands and the sound of his voice.

Remember his love and commitment to this country. 

It takes work to remember. 

If we are to hide God's word in our heart we memorized scripture over and over. 

We spend time in the Word. 

We remember.

We share family history through story telling year after year; story after story; to never forget. 

And I want to remember how in this journey; when death has knocked at the door, when the farm hangs in the delicate balance of failure or success and cancer threatens to destroy our peace; I want to remember. . .

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I want to remember the community that stops me for a hug at the bank and I don't know 

who it is until yesterday when she tells me. I was so distraught. 

I want to remember grace poured out as an offering by so many;

so we can have the basics through these tough months. 

I want to remember the notes and scriptures scratched out to encourage us.

 I want to remember to fall to my knees in humble submission before the greatest King ever known. 

And to remember that it is He, who will bring about the events according to His will and his plan.

 I don't want to forget. 

Our little corner of the world is encased in an icy display of wonder.

 It is a treacherous beauty. 

It shimmers and glitters with an ethereal effect.

Yet, cracks and pops with destruction in it's wings. 

All is frozen just as it is. Tree's bending with the weight. 

Threatening to yield to the burden it carries.

May we bend with the burdens of this world; but not be broken.

May there be beauty even in the treacherous. 

And may we never forget when the Holy touched the earth;

even the expanse of the sky declared it's presence.

Matthew 2:2

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea 

in the days of Herod the king, magi from the east arrived in Jerusalem, saying

and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? 

We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him."

As you listen to this very familiar Christmas Hymn.

 May you, even for a moment, lay down all that burdens you;

 all that threatens to overwhelm and discourage you; 

all that distracts you from this season; 

all the preparation, wrapping, shopping. 

Just for a moment. . .stop. 

Come and Adore Him.

Give Him all the glory. 

Chris Tomlin

O Come All Ye Faithful

What Cancer Cannot Do and What God Has Already Done; The Angels Brought Tidings Of Great Joy

He had just sat down to rest.

Lately this rarely happens.

There are so many fires to put out that resting has not been a luxury.

 After two days of radiation and one day of chemo,

 my farmer was sitting down. 

 Cedric brings in a package.

 There are always parts and supplies being delivered. 

Yet, this was from our long time friends Donna and Harold. 

Elijah's God parents. 

Donna had sent a note early on when Gary was diagnosed and

 found he needed chemo and radiation. 

She thought he might like a quilt. 

A quilt to wrap in when the chemo toxins leave you cold; from deep within. 

When the radiation has left your throat raw and barely able to swallow. 

A quilt to hold you tight, remembering you are loved. 

And it came in the mail; right when he sat down. 

And it says what Cancer Cannot Do.

I feel like this has become the mantra for my life.

What (fill in the blank) cannot do.

What Cancer Cannot Do to my mom and now my husband. 

What Alzheimer's Cannot Do,What the Death of Your Son Cannot Do and  

What Financial Stress Cannot Do. 

None of these will take away our joy. 

None of these will change, not for a moment,

 the deep love the Father has for each one of us.

Marital problems, financial stress, wayward and rebellious children, over crowded schedules, even the day to day normal, will all threaten to destroy our joy;

 to destroy the holy that we seek. 

It is no wonder that God sent His son as a baby. 

A humble child who grew into a humble man; 

seeking peace through acts of service. 

He became flesh so we might live. 

He offers us the greatest gift.

Yet why do so many shun? 

Why do so many pervert and change the intent. 

Isaiah 40:28

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, 

the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

Religion and politics have become the battling grounds for dueling opinions. 

It appears that the speakers opinions or delivery become more important than the 

Truth laid out in the Ancient Promises. 

Life threatening illnesses, devastation on the farm, the loss of our son have beat us down. They have threatened to steal our joy, to threaten our marriage and our ability to live day to day. But with strength and hope in the LORD. 

We will be victorious because of that small babe.

 Not because of any power within or any strength that has been given

 but that which is from the Father. 

So, take heart all you who are weary; who are burdened by the season, overwhelmed with financial stress, who are facing dark days ahead. 

The One who came as babe, The One who conquered death on the Cross longs to bear the burdens you carry. 

And so on this 20th week of missing our son, yearning with all our heart for things to be different; we lay the burden down again. 

We will fight discouragement with a well worn path to the cross. 

The Angel Came bearing Good News.

Hope for all Nations.

May that hope be yours today. 

Luke 2:10-11

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: 

for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

Immanuel.

He has not left us.

And He never will. 

How A Car Ride Can Turn Into A Fiasco, In Less Than A Minute

So, we ventured out to do our Annual visit Santa trek. 

Each year we head to the mall, we have dinner out, (this is a big deal for us) and do a little shopping.

I am usually frustrated. There are crowds and lots of people; did I mention crowds? 

We eat dinner together as a family, which is wonderful but also so expensive.

 I spend much time thinking how I can save by cooking at home and 

what that money could have gone too. 

Even though I have set money aside each week, all year, to do this. 

The shopping is crazy because there are 7 of us and this one needs to get a present for this one and they can't be with the other and none of them are old enough to go alone. 

So, through the years it's been a memorable experience. 

And I did not realize how memorable until this year. 

Ana does't want to see Santa. I think I need to have the talk with her. She gave me the look. 

I don't even want to go there. 

I want her to go so Ella is not alone and won't question why she is not going. 

Seeing them with Santa catches my breath. 

The years come flooding forward. The memories of years past. 

Of all the kids sitting in Santa's chair; without Santa, because apparently at 7:00 p.m. 

Santa thinks children should be in bed. 

I think of last year and the fun we had with Elijah. He was goofy and silly and he and Cedric were running around the mall looking at everything and doing their own shopping. 

They didn't really need me. 

I thought about the next year when he would be at boot camp; 

not here for this part of the family get together.

 Little did I know. 

Little did I know that I would spend this year missing him not because he was at boot camp. But because he is with the King of Kings. 

That each day my heart would break a little more. 

This year, I thought, to make it simple we would go early to see Santa, 

(so as not to miss him) and then have dinner at the local restaurant because they have changed hands and we've heard good things about them. 

I share this in the morning after devotions. The Plan. Everyone understood. 

So I thought. 

Of course we need to take 3 cars into town, because Clarissa has an Ortho appointment and 

Ella has cello. Cedric needs to be picked up from school. 

So we meet in town. 

We get into One car. 

As we're driving we review the plan. 

Ok, I review the plan.

And it all starts. We're not shopping? We always shop. And on and on. 

I am ruining age old traditions. 

What I thought was an easy plan. . . turned into a fiasco. 

I was changing tradition. 

Tradition  I didn't even know existed. 

We are all on edge. All that we know is off balance and turned upside down. 

And it makes me think of a post I read about an Upside Down Christmas.

My whole life is upside down, let alone Christmas.

 Christmas though, is actually right side up. 

It's the constant in the sea of mess. 

It's the dirty manger and stable. It's the raw meeting the holy. 

The need for something more than what I am. 

It is the wonder of a babe born. 

He shunned the political, embraced the lost.

He came to save. 

Not as the world wanted, but as God ordained. 

So, as I wrestle through the holy and the grit and grime of missing our son, heading into chemo and radiation with my farmer, I will travel the well worn path. 

I will seek the wonder and joy of the Incarnate; God with us. 

Isaiah 7:14

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: 

The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

God Works In Moments

The house echos without her presence. There is something so desperately missing. The kids say it on the way in. "I miss Nana greeting us at the door, Abbey too." This log cabin; this was her pride and joy. Oh, how she loved her home. She cared for it with a

tenderness and love like no one else. 

She so appreciated everything about this place. She loved being in the country; she loved to sit on her front porch.  It's funny to think how different we are. She loved to work and work to make the house so clean and perfect. And then she would sit and read in her chair and enjoy. I struggle with all those things. I struggle to keep things clean and then to sit. It's not in my nature. But I never seem to get anything done. 

 I walk in the door. I set my bags on the bed. 

It is an act I have done hundreds of times through the years. Today I feel old and worn. I hug dad tight. So much has changed. So much is different. I visit with the caregiver and get to know her a little. This woman with a history unknown to me; now part of mine. 

There are flowers on the breakfast bar. 

The caregiver brought them. 

She had noticed it was the anniversary of mom's home going.

I sit with dad while the tears flow.

I can't hold them back any longer. 

Aunt Joan, Mr Ankner,

Abbey; mom and dad's dog. . .,

Mom, Dad's memory, Elijah and our dog Pemberly;
 all taken with in a year.
And then a diagnosis of cancer. 

It's just too much. 

The weight crushing.
There's been no time to recoup before another loss is experienced.



The sign on the wall by mom's place at the table says:

I read it as I long for things to be different; as I try to order this new world.
And the care giver tells me she had to take Elijah's picture from the funeral off the table because it was too much for dad. And the cards that were coming in just made him so emotional.
And I think that's what it is.
Your focus has to be changed; your vision set on things that are eternal. So, I don't move the picture. I move myself and all my thoughts back to the only thing that will restore peace.

2 Corinthians 4:8-12
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Moment by moment we will walk this journey.
Thanks mom for the reminder.

There's a call from the hospital. Gary has to have a port put in place for the chemo.
This is news to us, and again memories of mom come flooding forth.
We are on a journey that is relentless in force.
A journey with no respect for time, feelings or schedules.

Yet this is the path God has chosen for us.
This is the journey we will walk and we will walk it in the strength and power given to us
 for each moment.

I remember part of song from childhood.

"Don't worry 'bout tomorrow, just you be real good today, 
the Lord is right beside you, and he will guide you all the way, 
So have faith, hope and Charity and the blessed Lord you'll surely please,
 How do I know? The bible tells me so."

I will remain present in this moment.
 I seek the grace for each step.
Because my aching heart can not bear the weight.
I have nothing left; and that is when He can do his greatest work.


Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here,
I find my rest
Without you I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart.
Lord I need you, Oh I need you.

The Name Above All Names

Elijah.

I just want to say his name. 

I want to holler through the house; it's time for dinner, or get down here and pick up your things. 

I want to say his name and hear his voice. 

I want to buy him a Christmas present and fill his stocking. 

My soul wishes for this not to be. 

The deep searing pain resurfacing.
The loss permeating all that I do. 

Oh, how I miss him.

Oh, how everything in me resonates that this is wrong. 

How can the God of the universe, that called all into being, have this be my path?

It has been a year since mom died.
A year since I had only been home a day, when I received the call.
A year since I got in the car and drove 4 hours.
I wasn't there when she died. I wasn't there when my son died.
But I never left things undone.
I always hugged and kissed and said goodbye.
Always.
Mom had been so sick.
We had been praying for the Lord to call her home.
And he did. . .in His timing.
How many times I have picked up the phone to call her.
To call her name.
Every time I see purple I think of her.
She is missed by so many.

It's been a whole year.
Part of that year I have been mourning the loss of our son.
Everything seems wrong.
A year where my heart has ached every single day.
A year of missing mom, of missing the sweet licks and antics of our puppy of missing  Elijah and now a journey with cancer.

And there in the middle of my rant; when I am spent and tired.
When I can't possibly shed another tear.
 I am reminded of the path our Savior took to the grave;
For me.
 To call me by name.
He was born in a humble manger.
No earthly wealth to speak of.
His birth was not announced with beautiful picture cards sent in the mail
or announced over Facebook.

No.
 It was proclaimed by the Angels sent from on high.

Luke 2:9-14

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,

and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

All of Creation cried out. Proclaiming and Praising. 

It was proclaimed thousands of years before:

Isaiah 7:14
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign,Behold a virgin will conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Emmanuel.

Matthew 1:21

And you shall give him the name Jesus.

Our names are so important.

Even before they were born, John and Jesus were named.
Even before our children are born, we choose a name. 

Jesus is the name above all names. 

He who is called by many names:

Jehovah Jireh - my provider

Jehovah Rafa - my healer

Wonderful Counselor

Prince of Peace

It is at this name we bow. 

It is at this name that I have my strength and being. 

It is for this name we celebrate Advent.

Bowing low to wait.

Leaning in to hear and wonder at it all. 

Come Lord Jesus;
make us into a people that long to hear your name above the clatter of the season,
above the pain of searing grief and loss and
above any other name that distracts.

Let this great news, bring us great joy. 

Jesus Mesiah

Name above all names

Blessed Redeemer

Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah

Lord of All