I Ponder These Things

13 years ago I sat in the wee hours of the morning. 

Bathed in the twinkling Christmas lights. 

Hope wrapped inside; heavy with child. 

Nights uncomfortable. 

 Seeking solace in the quiet. 

Pondering. 

So different from my walk today. 

A Christmas child. 

Due at any moment. 

What did Mary feel as she carried the Hope of all Nations? 

What was it like that night when all hung in balance as the 

Incarnate became Flesh? 

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Prophesy fulfilled. 

The journey to the Cross begun. 

All aligned.

Just as planned.

I pondered these things as the life in me moved. 

4 other children in the home. 

Wisdom on my side. 

A desire to slow time. 

Be in the moment. 

Treasure the deep of the night. 

The quiet.  

The season. 

Hope. 

Anticipation of what was to come. 

Advent

The moments ticked by as heaviness closed my lids. 

The sweet surrender of sleep. 

I pulled the blankets closer and breathed deep, the joy and expectation. 

Those sweet days of child bearing and hope. 

The future; joyous and unmarred. 

In stark contrast to the grief these days. 

The ache that drags and pulls. 

But that is not the way. 

The hope was not in flesh. 

Not in earthly vessels. 

My hope rests in that which can not be seen. 

In Him who came in humbleness to serve. 

The One I seek; Came for all. 

With a purpose. 

 He became flesh and bore our sin. 

He reigned on High and came as a child. 

His message of Peace for All. 

While sitting in the glow of twinkling Christmas lights;

I ponder these things. 

Hope. 

Joy. 

Grace. 

Forgiveness. 

Mercy. 

She Wore Her Brother's Cap and Gown

She wore her brothers cap and gown. 

The same cap he threw into the air, 2 years ago. 

The same cap I asked him to go back in to get. 

It was unique. 

He would be able to find it. 

I just wanted that cap.

The cap and gown I would display at his wake just 40 days later. 

She wrapped herself in his gown. 
 And wore his cap. 

She walked to the tune of  graduation, hope and future wrapped in his gown. 

The cap, forever announcing 2013. 

The year everything changed. 

 With out so much as a deep breathe we changed gears.

College Orientation. 

They steal my daughter away. 

I head off to listen to the speaker. 

His words.

The words of one of Clarissa's classmates - haunt me. 

"The paper is blank, you have the tool to do the writing.
The unknown before you. You are in control. You will do the writing."

Both speakers. 

2 separate occasions. 

The same idea. 

An unknown future. 

A blank slate. 

You're in control. 

I want to stand up and shout. 

My soul aches. 

Deep ache. 

They have missed a great truth. 

They have missed the greatest news on earth. 

And I was silent. 

It has tormented me. 

Our lives are not a blank page. 

There is not a blank slate, waiting for you to write out the plan. 

Oh, my dear friends. 

There is a loving and compassionate God with a plan far greater that you can ever imagine. 

There is a divine Creator, who has created you with a plan and purpose long before the foundations of the world began. 

He has placed in our hearts the desire to worship and serve him. 

He longs to fill the pages of your life with His wisdom. 

We are not alone. 

We are not in control. 

There is purpose and hope far beyond anything our minds could ever grasp. 

There is hope. 

I think on this because between, deep loss, 

ambulance rides and change these things are important. 

I don't want to lose sight of the promises God has placed before us. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Not only is there a plan; but He will walk every step with us. 

My daughter's future is not an empty page. 

It was written and stamped long ago. 

She will, with God's help discover that path and become all He longs for her to be. 

The road with be riddled with success and pain. 

It already has. 

Yet through the strength of out heavenly Father we press on. 

We seek. 

We praise. 

We learn. 

We grow. 

All in His timing. 

All for His purposes. 

And oh, what a glorious purpose and plan. 

Things are changing again, 

The living room is piled with her life's posessions. 
We have gathered the most needed items to survive college. 

But I know in my heart. 
The only "thing" she needs is Jesus. 
Because that ground never moves.
He never, ever changes, 

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I send her off knowing that her page is not blank. 
That a loving, a merciful Savior has ordained her days. 
That joy and peace await her; even in the struggle. 
I am planting my feet on the ground that does not shift. 
I am lifting my hands high in praise. 
I am letting go of the ache and pain that threaten to choke out the beauty of these days. 
Here we stand on the threshold of a new beginning. 

Won't you join me in letting go? 
Stand on the rock that is immovable. 
Embrace the journey no matter how hard it may be. 
God will see you through. 

Here we go baby girl. 
I love you with every fiber of my being. 

You are God's child. 

You are loved. 

He will use you to bring about His amazing plan. 

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 
according to his power that is at work within us,

The Reminder That There Is So Much More To Come

Philippians 3:10

But our citizenship is in heaven. 

And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I was 16 when I heard the song by Petra,

"Not of This World"

We are envoys, we must tarry

With this message we must carry

There's so much to do before we leave

With so many more who may believe

Our mission here can never fail

And the gates of hell will not prevail

We are strangers, we are aliens

We are not of this world

Read more: Petra - Not Of This World Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

We had a singing group. 

We sang this song. 

The words penetrated my heart.

"Our mission here can never fail. 
The gates of hell will not prevail"

The lyrics played over and over in my mind. 

The seed planted.  

I longed for heaven. 

I longed to share the peace found in a life surrendered. 

My quest for more than 30 years. 

A choice to live; Separate; apart.
Digging deep through words that bring life.
Seeking joy that transcends thought.

Sharing the love of Christ. 

In all we do.

Being stewards of land provided. 

Cultivating a holy marriage, made to last. 

Raising children.

Trusting in the plentiful times and in seasons of deep want. 

It's been 15 months since I have called my boy by name. 

 Each day a longing.

A plan; not my own. 

A path that has to be walked. 

The guttural cries unearthed from deep within. 

Days have turned to months and then a year. 

Reminding myself that we are not of this world. 

There is much yet to come. 

When we hold on to hope we allow the supernatural to enter in. 

God is able to work his beautiful plan.
He holds the pain of our hearts in the palm of his hand.
I hold on to the hope given.
He gives strength to the weary.
My eyes are lifted heavenward.
My feet firmly planted.
My farmer keeps reminding me.
15 months is but a day.

The laundry is waiting.
The farmhouse is beginning to stir.

The day has begun.
I breathe deep.
This day will be about what needs to be done.
I will look for ways to share.
He will guide my steps.


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.