Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Living Life without Elijah

I am experiencing every mother's worst nightmare.
My heart and soul ache. 
My heart physically hurts.
The grief so overwhelming at times that I can only groan.

A dear saint in the faith sent this to me yesterday morning. 

"God make me brave --
    Life brings such blinding things,
    Help me to keep my sight,
    Help me to see aright
            That out of dark --- comes light."
Grace Noll Crowell

I want to be brave.
I want to lean into this journey God has us on.
desperately want to cling to the hope of all I have known all my life. 
This God that is God during the good times; is also the same God during the horrific times. 
As humans it is a hard concept to grasp.

In 2010, my cousin shared a blog with me. 
I was captivated by this woman's writing and her desire to serve God. We had many similarities; and her struggles were my everyday existence.
 I would read her blog and be led right to the throne of Grace. 

She began a journey to name 1,000 things she was thankful for. 
She encouraged her readers to join in.
And in 2010 I began a thankful journal. 
I discovered such a change in my perceptions of the life around me.

In 2012 as my mom's cancer raged through her body and pulled me from my home to care for her, my journaling ceased. 
My last entry was 6/5/12:
The reminder to praise no matter what
Woman's Conference
Weekends away
Coming home
New Slate
Unexpected tenderness from the man/boy(Elijah)
make believe play
new barns
wedding preparations
God being consistent

I began my thankful journal again today:
*7 weeks after our man/boy has gone to be with Jesus, I begin my journey out of the fiery pit of anguish with a focus on thanksgiving:
For 17 years with our first born son
Blue eyes that melted my heart
last conversations
The song Sail 
(This is the last song I listened to with Elijah
as he drove me to get my car at the hay field)
New life beginning with Lilah
Friends who sit with us, pray, feed us, send cards, gifts, and love 
family near and far 
A Community that has wanted to share our burden
Reading my bible graveside

I don't feel thankful all the time.
I sometimes struggle with the idea that God protects us, but let my son die.
Yet, I am confident that God numbers our days

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
 before one of them came to be.

And I am confident that he does protect us.
This side of eternity we can not see what he sees;
what he has protected us from. 
I will never understand all of what God does and says. 
That is why there is Faith.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, 
the conviction of things not seen

I want to be open to all that God will teach us through this time.
As I begin to come out of the fog and the searing pain intensifies,
 I will trust and I will lean on the everlasting arms.
Because he will catch me when I am falling.


  1. Dearest Tammy,
    I start each day looking forward to reading your blog. While it is always painful to read, I always marvel at how you find something/someone to be thankful for and always, always praise our Lord despite what you are going through. And with all of that, you open your heart and share what you are feeling living through every mother's worst nightmare. I have been reading your gratitude journal for these 8 weeks and wondering if I could ever have the courage and strength you are showing each and every day. I hope to meet you one day soon and be able to tell you how you have taught me so much in growing my faith and witnessing so much pure love through your words. Thank you so much for your part in my life every day.

    1. Thank you once again for your kind thoughts. This journey is rough. . .We are clinging to the everlasting arms. And leaning into what God's desire is for our family. . .We mourn, with hope.