Friday, September 27, 2013

Making Cookies, And Trusting, One Step At A Time

These days are glorious. 
The color, the sun; all magnificent displays of God's handiwork.

I still long to feel. . .
I try. 
I sit on a rock overlooking the meadows.
I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun. 
But my heart still aches and longs for what it can not have.

I make cookies for the first time.

The memories of Elijah come like a flood.
The last day he was here; the day we had no idea would be his last.
He had come home all excited from a shooting match.
I had made cookies.
He stood in the kitchen and ate one after another. . .dipping them in milk.
Drinking a half gallon of milk as we talked.
I tell him to take a plate of cookies and sit down.
He was spilling crumbs everywhere.
I turn around and he had taken the WHOLE plate of cookies with him.
I smile at the memory.
I place dough onto the cookie sheet.

So much of my life with Elijah centered around food.
I cooked for him.
Drank coffee with him.
Planned meals around him. . .he was the busy one.
Our dinner conversations now stilled.
We don't seem to have the enthusiasm without him here.

Everything is just wrong. . .
But is it?
God sits on the throne.
He is the glorious One.

Psalm 18:32
It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. 

And this is His will.
And all I need is Jesus.
And so to that Rock I am clinging.
As the world turns chaotic around me.
As I feel like I can't breathe some days. . .
As I miss with all my heart the child I birthed. . .
As we figure how to step into sweet peace with a fractured family.
I look to Jesus.
He is all I need.


  1. As a mom who can relate to having a child pass, you will cherish those seemingly little things, like having baked cookies and having him enjoy them so much, so close to his passing. What a blessing. You have a gift of still clinging to the great memories, during the most difficult days of your life here on earth. Bless you and your beautiful family.

    1. Trying to cling to the memories. How does it happen that your child's life is reduced to memories. So not right. . .such a reminder of our need for our Savior. . .longing for the day, he will set all things straight. . .

  2. Love the last picture. Fall has always been such a bitter-sweet time of year for me. The colors and smells are like nature's memories -- and I cling tight to them as winter whispers it is coming. But there will be spring. There will be sweet peace, Tammy.

    There is a C.S. Lewis quote I came across while reading The Reason for God by Tim Keller a few years ago. I know it by heart, and it's as true as any of God's promises. I believe these words with all my heart: "They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards to turn even that agony into a glory."


    1. I have never heard that quote and is one worth tucking into the folds of the memory. . .Thank you.