Monday, September 30, 2013

I Have Placed Before Him My Very Best

Nineteen years ago,
I awoke to a gorgeous fall day.

The sun was shining.
The air crisp.
Leaves vibrant in color.
I drove to work. 

I was 14 weeks along.
I carried within me, life. 
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I took a more scenic route.
I praised the LORD the whole way to work.
My heart sang for joy. 

Later that night my joy turned to utter desolation 
as I began spotting and would ultimately lose the child I so desperately wanted.
I would look for someone to drive me to the hospital because
Gary was spreading manure and
 I couldn't get in touch with him.

I would begin a journey of seeking the strength of God as I had never before. 

I shook as the doctors confirmed our suspicions.
Sobs from deep within surfaced.
They placed warm blankets on me. 
This was not a viable pregnancy.
So, on September 30, 1994 God allowed Gary and I to walk
 through the valley of the shadow of death.
God called our baby home. 
How could this be happening to me?
I had made Godly choices. 
I was a good girl.
I loved the LORD with all my heart.
God rewards those who love him. . doesn't He?
Why would He take from me the very thing I had so desperately wanted all my life. 

Joy left me that day.
I struggled to find it. 
I read scriptures.
As word spread, woman began coming over.
Sending cards, calling.
They had too shared the same heartache. 
I was comforted.

Gary and I attended the services at another church that Sunday morning.
God had an appointment for us. 
We would hear a couple share their story of a long line of miscarriages and the
 beauty of God's grace through that time. 
I would  understand for the first time,
the truth that children are a gift from the LORD;
that they are on loan to us. 
We dedicate them back to the LORD.
 I read the story of Hannah and Samuel.
And in my heart I named our child Samuel. 
And I mourned for what would not be. . .

My faith grew as I leaned on God to heal my hurt;
as I wondered if we would ever have children.
So, like Hannah, I began to pray.

I Samuel 1:27-28
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 
 So now I give him to the Lord
For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

In God's Mercy, I would bring forth life.
This journey was different. I was changed.
I realized how precious life was
and how quickly it can be taken from you.
Most of the pregnancy was over shadowed with the thought of another loss.
And we prayed. 

If the baby was a boy, we were going to honor Gary's Grandfather,
 and name him Cedric.

On a warm afternoon in the barn, during milking, 
while I was very heavy with child, 
I heard the LORD say to name him Elijah.
(this is not a common occurrence)

When the time came he resisted his entrance into this world with all he had. 
Literally weeks of trying to entice his passage from the womb.
 It was to no avail. 
He needed to be forced into the light of this journey.
 Razor sharp. . .me left with scars. .

On September 2, 1995, after a grueling birth.
God blessed us with our prayed for child:
Elijah Todd Davis
9 lbs 1 oz
22 1/2 inches

17 years, and 330 days later, God would unexpectedly
(to us here on earth) call that prayed for son home.
And once again, I would shake as the life I carried and nurtured was taken from me.
I remembered those words of Hannah so well.

I Samuel 1:27-28
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 
 So now I give him to the Lord
For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

This child was on loan to me.
He was not mine. 

So today as I remember the home going of the child I never met;
Of the dreams not lived. . .
I will never forget. 
I give thanks for the lessons learned.
For the richness of my faith in Christ. 

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 I give thanks for the child I had for 17 years. 
Though I long for more.
Though I long for all the things that will never be.
I trust in the God who knows the child I so desperately prayed for. 

And I praise and thank God for the children left here on earth for us. 

And for the one about to be. . .
I will continue to praise my way through this time of deep loss and heartache. 

I sang this song shortly after our miscarriage. . .
and I sing it now. . .
With hands wide open.
"I will not offer anything that cost me nothing"
To serve him is my goal. . .
"Whatever's mine. . .He's given me. . It's not my own. .
It's His alone. . ."

I have placed before Him Nothing less than my very best.
And I have been called to sacrifice. .
And it is worthy of my Christ. . .
This has cost me everything.


  1. May God grant you comfort today as you remember two losses and heap sorrow upon sorrow. Today, I hope for tomorrow, and I love you.

    1. Thank you. Love you too! The day got a little more complicated. . .I'll share more tomorrow. Thank for carrying us through in prayer. . .

  2. Elijah--The Lord is my God! I love you so much and I pray that you will know the grace of His comforting presence today.

    1. Yes, The LORD is my God. Words written in my bible. . .The day became very complicated. Continue to pray. . . Love you too and so appreciate and need the prayers. . .

  3. Hi Tammy, You don't know me, but I have been reading your blog and am awed by the strength you continue to find to face the world every day. I heard this music video and immediately thought of you. It is an incredible A Capella version of I Need Thee Oh I Need Thee.

  4. Thank you. Many have shared this with me privately, on FB and now here. So true. . .Oh how we need him. .. not as a sign of weakness. . .but the greatest of strength. Blessings