Wednesday, September 18, 2013

What I know

I lay on his bed. The smell of him still there. How long? How long until it evaporates, until I can't distinguish him. The sobs come. Here I am free to pour out all the tears. Why Elijah? Oh how many tears I have shed these 7 weeks. How I long to make sense of this loss. How I yearn to turn back time. I have to be so careful not to be drawn into the abyss of the what if's.

I fight with all I have to stay in the "what I know's". Do you ever feel that? Someone sent me this verse. It is one that brings such comfort.

 Oh how I love God's word. How wonderful it is to hide it in our hearts. To be comforted and strengthened. To know that he will quiet my sobs, he will rejoice over me with singing. There is nothing in me that wants to journey on. I have lost a child, a piece of me. I will never be the same.
Yet the pull of the "what I know's" inches me forward.  I don't want to be the same. I see the world differently. Every situation changed. I want to feel more. I want to embrace more. I want to share this undying love God has for all. I shudder to think of those who walk this journey of pain without a Savior.

 What I know is that God will never leave me nor forsake me. I know He will walk every step of the weary road with me. I know that he will not take this road from me. I need to walk it. . .I know we are not alone. Many grieve with us and I know together we will continue this road. 

I went to the grocery store for the first time in 7 weeks. A friend came with me. I wanted to fight against the normalcy of the whole thing. There is nothing normal about my life any more. The tears came as I sat in the car. The task completed.

 I went out and helped Gary at the barn to find a missing cow. And I went for a walk.
I will continue to put one foot in front of the other.
I will breathe in and out. 
And with each breath, I will thank God for being there. For holding me close. For never leaving me.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  

I was privileged to be chosen to 
carry you Elijah. . .And the time you were here was a gift. It was an honor to be your mom; on loan from your heavenly father.  I am thankful that you recognized your brokenness and need for a Savior.
Though all my days I will feel like it was to short; 
I will remember that your days were numbered by the One who loves you more 
than anyone ever could.  


  1. God bless you, Tammy. You are not the same; you will never be the same; you are shining the light of Jesus even brighter in your darkest hour. Thank you.

    1. Thank you. Nothing is the same. It's a whole new world. . .a whole new life... yet serving the same God, who hasn't changed. . .

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