Sunday, September 22, 2013

How Does My Heart Heal?

There is no warning. 
There is nothing that prepares you for the waves that come.
The waves of ache and pain. 

It's beautiful out. 
I long to feel the joy that such a day would bring. 
The warmth and gentle breeze.
Clothes drying; billowing on the line. 
A perfect day to bake and embrace this gorgeous creation in which God has us placed.

I drive to the cemetery.

I lay down on the sod that holds our son.
I look to the heavens. 
The sky that is so blue today, it should bring me peace. 
Instead my grief overwhelms me. . .
Oh God why?
Why my son?

But why not?
Why not him and more of my family?
I have said before that God will be with us when we face trials of many kinds. . .not if
We are not guaranteed anything except God's faithfulness to us through our life. 
And the sod does not hold our son.
He is with the King of Kings,
the place we long to go. 
And slowly my aching soul is filled. 
I can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit as I quiet myself before God. 

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Friends came over tonight.
We had Chinese for the first time since Elijah left us.
He loved Chinese food.
Especially the leftovers.
These are the things that are hard.

Lord, I know you are good.
I know you are with us in everything.
But my heart hurts. 
This journey is so hard. 
And with all that I am, I want to serve you. 
And so once again, I lay down my life. 
I give everything I am to you. 
I will follow you until I breathe my last breath. 
And I will sing praise to you no matter how my heart breaks. 

I will shine the light, so that the whole world sees. 
I will continue to press through this time. 


  1. We were at your neighbors across the way yesterday helping with wood & lawn care as they are also going through a trial. I was sitting on the front porch with my grand children looking over at your farm. I told them that was where the boy who was killed in the car accident lived with his family. My grand daughter said "that's so sad gramma". I said "yes it is, but there is something good in all of this sadness, what do you think that is?" Our grandson said "was Elijah saved like me gramma"? "Yes, I said, Elijah was saved like you Isaac". Emma said "then one day they will ALL be together again". I said "yes they will Emma, yes they will". Holding you in my heart until that glorius day ♥

    1. Oh, such precious wisdom. Thank you for holding us up. We need it. . .Glad you were reaching out to others. If there is anything we can do. . .this community is amazing. .

  2. Hi Tammy. In attending a Beth Moore simulcast last Sat. in worship with Travis Cotrell leading, the phrase "the power of the grave" struck me. Yes, it has power. Then, "your love never gives overwhelms and satisfies my soul. I never have to be afraid, one thing remains. Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. In death, in life, I'm confident of your great love". Not many of us have had to experience being a mother at Calvary. You and I have. I pray Jesus pour oil on your wounds and cover them with His gauze. Those wounds that are so fresh and bleeding. He is the healer. Laurie Monfreda

    1. He is the healer Laurie. And He is the only way through this. Beth Moore was here with Travis a few years ago. I will need to go to listen to the "Power of the Grave".Thank you sweet sister. . .

  3. Tammy, my eldest daughter, Eliza,and fiancee, Curt, arrived home, from Longmont CO, and were 5 blocks from the flooding, etc. They were lucky! Their flights were changed, and it took lots of scrambling, phone calls to airlines, but a woman on the phone, said she couldn't help them, despite Eliza saying, But we are getting married this week in Vermont! Eliza didn't give up, kept calling, and finally a very nice man, from India, answered her prayers and said he could help her. Found them a flight from a very small airport in Colorado Springs, and got them home! The puddle jumper to Burlington experienced lots of turbulence, and Eliza thought, "Well if we go down, at least I am with the man I love!" They came home long enough for hugs, then off to bridal party gathering. Chris and I were home alone, and decided to get Chinese take out, which we haven't had in over a year. I am so thankful and feel blessed. I appreciate your beautiful words, that provide strength to us all and a reminder that God is always with us.I hope there is chinese food in Heaven for Elijah! Love, Martha

    1. Oh Martha! Such a sweet time for you. I am sure there is Chinese Food in heaven and much, much more than we could ever imagine. Thank you for your thoughts. And Blessings on Liza!