So much of my daily journey takes me back to last year. How I felt. So much I do not remember. So much is still stuck vividly in my mind. This post echoes the cry of my heart. This week I have felt weary and worn. But we are holding on. Clinging to the rock that is higher than I.
Dear God,
I find myself in a deep place today. My first thoughts are usually to bring praise and Glory to your name. It is the habit established for more than 20 years now. My first thoughts when my eyes flutter open are to praise you. . .no matter how I feel. Today. . .I opened my eyes and pushed through the raw grief; the weight that threatens to engulf. I look for you. It is rainy and dark out. I know this day will be a struggle. I cry for this all to not be. I am weary and worn.
There are so many holding us up and we are so grateful for that. But some days are just going to be hard. And I look to you God. And I remember your promises.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls.
"For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
So, I am laying my burdens down. I give you all my tears and sorrows because this burden is too much to carry. . .the weight is crushing. You have laid me bare with the loss of my flesh and blood. The child from my womb. Yet, I know from the beginning of creation you had numbered his days.
Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
So take me LORD. Mold me into the vessel you need me to be. Smooth my rough edges. Help me to be more like you in all I do. I am tired and I am weary. My soul cries for your comfort.
Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might, He increases power.
I am worn. . .Let me know the struggle ends. . . that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.
These are words I typed out in the dark of the night this day last year. A heart longing for direction in the midst of grief. A heart that still longs to hear the voice of God. A heart still longing for the pieces to be placed back in the fragile shattered heart.
September 10, 2013 What You Are Unprepared For
What do you do with the book you find;
given to Elijah from Nana on the event of Clarissa's birth?
For a moment your heart skips. . .and you are brought back to that day.
You can hear the sounds.
You can hear your moms voice.
You can see your sons excitement over a present.
He loved books. Now they both call heaven their home.
Only 7 months apart.
And the ache is deep.
I am still mourning my mom. . .
And now I grieve the loss of our son. . .
Today was a tough day.
I miss my boy.
Yet it was beautiful out.
I went for a walk.
I met a friend on her way home from work and she stopped. She understood.
She gave me a hug and went on her way.
Sometimes all we need is a hug and a word of reassurance.
My journey needs to continue.
God left me here.
He didn't call me home. My work is not done. Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I find myself drawn to Elijah's grave.
I don't know why.
He's not there.
But it is quiet.
I read my bible.
I read in I Chronicles about David having the Levites returning the Ark of the Covenant. David inquired of the LORD how it was to be done.
I am asking the LORD, how does this grieving happen?
How do we do this?
I Chronicles 16:10, says,
" Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgments he pronounced. Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 4 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun: a time to be born and a tine to die. . .a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.
I know I need to trust with all my heart.
I need to remember what God has done.
He does what He says He will do.
I need to be open to God's healing. And I need to remain in The Ancient Word.
I will continue to do these things.
"Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
( 3 beats Elijah played. . .and I long to hear)
let me be singing when the evening comes."
LORD, I want to be singing when the evening comes.
I want to see all your goodness.
And I long to serve you with all I am.
Psalm 90:4 For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.
This is a re-post from last year on this day. Sending prayers of gratitude for the hands that have held us and continue to shower us with grace.
Being a Giver. . .it is Hard to Receive
The rhythm of the routine continues. There is hay down and baling to be done.
Cows are up in milk and the management needs care and detail.
It's the detail that makes the difference.
It's what makes you stand out. Caring about the tiniest details brings you closer to your goal.
Details may mean success or ruin for us. Those details seem hard. But they are ingrained in the beat of the day, so it is good.
Psalm 19:1
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Each day brings friends. Friends with food, coffee, hugs and tears.
Some are chatty and silly and some just sit with me in quiet. All of them giving. . .me feeling weary, wondering where this grace comes from. Generosity that flows. Details that make the difference.
The girls came running in. I could hear the pounding of their steps
before I saw their faces. I needed to come outside they said.
I was tired. It has been another full day of friends.
I had just come into my room for some solace.
But there was someone here I needed see.
You see some young girls had had a lemonade stand
and had raised money for our family.
And they had waited anxiously for their parents to come home from work
so they could hurry to our home and bless us with a gift.
Extravagant Grace.
How do you receive from the youngest and most precious of these?
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them, for the kingdom
of heaven belongs to such as these."
They came as strangers and left as family.
God wasn't finished with the blessing for the day.
Another friend walked into the chaos of our kitchen to lavish upon us another gift.
We were left speechless. I could hold in the tears and the magnitude of our loss no longer. We have lost a beloved son. And yet we are not alone.
2 Corinthians 4:8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
My cup runneth over as the enormity of the grace resonated in my heart.
The details are so important.
Because since the foundations of the earth God has managed all the details.
He knows each piece and part.
And this wild grace is a gift.
This is Elijah and his good friend Thomas on a school trip for LUHS. The fact that Elijah is on this trip is a story I long to tell you. . .later.
Sometimes we can't understand why things happen.
My heart aches with God's details for my life right now. But God is managing the details. Each detail is so important. So I take my weary and aching heart and I surrender all the details. Psalm 63:1 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have I waited to post this song. . .It is my heart.
"This is not where I belong. . .this is NOT my home. . ."
I long for the day when God will call us home.
Until then I will trust him with the details.
A year later we are still trusting. We are searching with eyes wide open for where He will lead us. May your hearts be full this Sunday morning as you head to the cross. A place of healing and grace. A place where God will meet you in your brokenness and in your joy.
