Tuesday, May 13, 2014

When You Run On Empty, You Can Ooze All Over. . .

The kitchen is a mess. We have a house guest coming for 3 weeks.
There is no safe way up the stairs and through the hallway with out a navigation system. 
The lawn needs mowing and I haven't taken time for my heart to be still. 
You would think after all these years I wouldn't get off track. 
But I have. 
Mother's Day, cooking, cleaning, church, games. 
All important things
But not the things that should matter. 
Finding that still, quiet time to pour over the Ancient Word is so crucial to my being.

And I have filled the space with other things.
My cup runneth empty.
I begin to ooze all over. It is not pretty. 
The college kids are all coming home. 
It is so good to see them. See, most of them left shortly after the accident. 
 She says it on the ball field. 
They're such good kids.
And my heart stops. She says it with such love. 
I knew that feeling. 
I remember it well. 
It was the pride that comes with a son who has graduated;

who is beginning a new season in his life. 
Words can't describe the feeling. 
It is a deep love for your boy. A sense of completion. The future before him. 
And my heart constricts and the tears begin to flow. I turn because I don't want them to see. 
Oh how I miss my boy. How I wish he was coming home from college. 
Getting ready ready for summer plans. 
But this is not to be. 
It's these moments I feel like I may unravel. 
I head home. 
I am not good for anyone. My heart is so heavy. 
I feel worn. 
And the tears flow as if I had never cried before. 
How can one have so many tears?
How do we do this? 
How can life go on when your son is deep in the earth? 
When you long to be a part of the everyday. 
My heart keeps cadence with my children. 
From the moment you know; you know within you there is life. 
From then on you are changed. 
You beat 2 hearts forever more. 
Yours and theirs. Their hurt, their joy. 
Their steps. You walk with them. Willing them to succeed. 
Watching the lessons learned. Some easy. Some painful.
Your presence at the throne of grace is persistent as you intercede for that child. 
And when that life is torn from you; the world stops turning. 
And still months later, the conversation at the field will bring you to your knees.
Because he is not coming home.

And the world is turning. Spinning round and round and he's not here. 
And I claw my way up out of the grief. It threatens to consume me. 
The winter has been brutal. And I am not sure my weary soul can keep pushing along. 
I cry out to God for mercy. For relief from this agony.  
I know He will rescue me from this pit. 
For now, I breathe deep.
I let him pour his spirit into my aching soul.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint.

I sit down in front of those ivory keys. It is rare I play anymore.
The drums lie silent in the corner and sometimes it's too much.  
I slowly plunk out the melody. "Knowing You " I long for the drums to be playing with me. ""Knowing you, Jesus" I want him here."Knowing you"  This hurt is so raw. "There is no greater thing" God knows my pain. "You're my all, you're the best."  He is all I need. The tears flow. I don't hold back. He is all my focus. "You're my joy, my righteousness. And I love you Lord."
My farm boy walks into the room and wraps me in a bear hug.
He rubs my back.
This man-boy.
Wrestling with the weight of the world.
He too, stepping one moment at a time into grace.
That's what it comes down to. We turn the heartache over to Him.
We breathe in deep the joy of the day.
We plant our feet on the solid rock.
This journey is not easy. 
We will rest in you Jesus.
My hope is in you.
So find rest today my friends. Find the hope that awaits you. 
Fill your cup to the brim.

When the mountains are falling
When the waters are rising
I shall be safe in you. 


  1. From one oozer to another: I'm sorry this winter was so brutal. Thanks for always pointing me in the right direction, to Christ.

  2. Did we just coin a new term? The mommy Oozer's. . . .Thank you. We always need to keep our focus heavenward.

  3. I am Susan, a friend of Bess L.'s from Indiana. I prayed fervently for you all last summer and into the fall. Then life took over, my computer time dwindled and I checked your blog less and less. But two days ago you came booming into my thoughts and have stayed there over the last few days. So, I have been praying for you and your farmer. For physical, emotional healing as you come into this summer. I will be praying for you all. Know this.

    1. Thank you for your prayers. There are days I know we are held on the wings of those interceding for us. The sounds of summer all ready are haunting. . . One moment, one step in grace at a time.