I'm Celebrating Mother's Day Today

Sunday was Mother's Day. I spent the day reeling from the loss of our son.
Being mom to less.
A forever change.
Wrestling with moving on and wanting to be stuck.
In the back of my mind haunting me was my mom.
But I couldn't even think about her.
There are some places that are too tender to venture.
Your heart just can't take it.
So you push it aside and deal with the grief in front of you.
I am not speaking of stuffing or ignoring.
It's like that delicious book you want to finish.
You wait until the quiet, when you can savor the characters and the ending of such a terrific journey.
It's like that with grieving; though it's not enjoyment.
It is taking it piece by piece.
Slowly allowing the the pain to move through your being.
So these days after Mother's Day.
I look at pictures.
I allow myself to think of my mom.
For just a few moments. 
I think about her strength.
About her suffering at the end of her life.
She was so courageous.
So strong.
I know God allowed me to see that; to endure her painful death.
He knew what was coming down the road for me. 
He was beginning my strengthening exercises.
Molding my being. 
Driving me daily to my knees via the cross.
I have reworked an earlier post on mom. 
I dedicate this to a woman who was not perfect.
Who loved life to the fullest.
Who endured cancer and the end of her life with so much grace and dignity.
Who loved and served God with every breath she had even unto her death.
I miss her with all my being.
I have longed for her many days when my I thought my heart would explode
 from the devastating loss of our son.
I am grateful to her for showing me  faith.
For showing me how to live while she was dying.
Her days were filled with music, even when deaths clutches grasped.

Because He Lives. 

I can hear her singing now. 

I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, All fear is gone. 

I know the words by heart. 

She often sang it as cancer's clutches tightened their grip.  

Because I know who holds the future, 

And life is worth the living 

Just because He lives. 

My mom loved music.

She loved all kinds of music. 

I grew up listening to albums of the Beach Boys, Rhapsody in Blue, 

The Kingston Trio and even the Smothers Brothers. 

There was always music coming from that stereo in the hall. 

I can still hear the sound the albums would make, especially at Christmas, when the album would change. 

Even now listening to songs evoke a memory.

Because He lives. . . I can face tomorrow. 

I can't do this on my own. 

There is nothing left to give. 

I am broken and spilled out. 

And for the moment, I close my eyes; I hear the beautiful words. 

Because I know who holds the future. . .

I do know who holds the future.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that God is right there.

 Though I can't see Him.  

And though things around me are falling apart.

I know He is right there. 

And you know what? He's going to make it all beautiful.

2 Corinthians 4:7

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this 

all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

 Really He will. 

He is going to take this broken situation. He is going to take all this pain and heartache. 

And He is going to make something beautiful.

 Because that is what He does. 

He is the God who restores. He is the God who heals. 

He is mighty and merciful. 

And He's coming back. 

And when He does. You're not going to want to miss it. 

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory

And I'll know He lives. 

Won't you take a few moments and listen to this song. 

I promise if you're quiet. Really quiet.
You will hear my mom singing this song with all her might.
(while she's cleaning something. . .because that's how she rolled.)

I pray that all your fear will be gone. And that you will know He lives. 

That you can surrender all that hurts and causes you pain. 

That for a moment you can find the peace that comes, 

when you know who holds your future. 

We can face uncertain days. 

Yes we can.