Sunday, May 11, 2014

He Made Me A Mom

He made me a mom. 
I was so sick when he took his first breath. 
 In and out of consciousness.
My memories formed from pictures. 
When he took his last breath I wasn't there either.
He slipped into his heavenly home while I slumbered in mine. 
And this Mother's Day he won't be here. 
I am also a motherless daughter. 
Both my mom and my sweet mother in law in their eternal home.
So where in the world does that leave me for Mother's Day? 
My first instinct is to run. 
All that is within me pushes against the coming of the Day. 
My heart constricts with the memories of days gone by. 
The gripping reality that one of my babes lies deep in the ground. 
There will be no meadow flowers. 

He won't climb the steps smelling like barn and look at me with that crooked grin. 
I won't hand him a cup of coffee; steaming hot. 

This, my last Mother's Day photo.

It was such a great day.
There was so much hope with graduation pending.
There is much room for despair. It crouches waiting.
So many fall prey to the emotional caveat.
But I want to smack that despair around. 
I want to be grateful for the 17 years I had with my boy.
The searing loss still present; not debilitating. 
Each memory a treasure. 
It was an honor to be his mom.
God chose me for the time.
It is an honor to be mom to the rest of our children. 
Each one unique.
 Blessing us in so many ways.
I long for one more moment with Elijah.
I long for the morning when I wake and the world is not off kilter.
I can not change my circumstances.
They are set in motion.
I can change how I respond.
I will give thanks and praise for the years with Elijah.
I will rest in the joy of being a mom.
I will enjoy every moment.
The hard times of adolescence;  the snuggles just before sleep invades.
Many long for that very gift of motherhood.
And my heart cries out for the wombs that have remained empty.
These drive us to our knees in a lack of understanding.
This loving and merciful God allows so much grief. 
He, no stranger to our pain. 
He promises to walk every step of this weary way.
He also longs to give us peace for the journey.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 
for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you;
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you Elijah for making me a mom. 
My heart grieves with your absence.
Death may have robbed me of so many things. 
But it can't rob me of that. 
You brought me joy I had never known. 
You brought me to my knees like no other. 
You made me a mom; and for that, I am so grateful. 

Thank you Chelsea,  Adam and Lilah, Clarissa, Cedric, Christiana and Eleanor for walking this hard, hard road together.

 God has taken our family on a difficult journey over these last 9 months. 
Your courage and strength is inspiring. You have made me proud as a mom.
  I wish this didn't have to be.
I wish all your tomorrows were filled with nothing but lovely steps. 
But we know our steps are ordered by the One that hands grace out by the truck loads. 
And there is no place that we would rather be. 
The greatest gift I can give you is hope. 
Hope in the risen Lord. 
Hope that we all, will one day be reunited.
God also gave us life in the midst of all this heartache. 
Chelsea on your first Mother's Day may your heart be full. 

May you know the incredible peace that comes from knowing all is as it should be. 

 Job 1;21
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. 
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; 
may the name of the LORD be praised."

Grab your cup of something hot and and watch kid President make you laugh and cry at the same time until you make those funny noises. 
Noises that only moms can make.
Because we can be happy, sad, mad, loving, screaming, cleaning, praying, reading, cooking and drinking coffee all at the same time. 


  1. "It was an honor to be his mom." So beautiful. And still true.

  2. Tammy, you have passed the horrible first "Mother's Day" after losing a child and have now turned an important corner. And, I might add, that with everything else you have had on your plates, I'm impressed. SUCH faith. It took me much longer....your other children are blessed...
    In less than a year of the fog that comes with the heartache of losing a child, you have turned to focus on your other children. It's an important step in the healing process, both for you and for them. And now you can rest knowing that you will never forget (our greatest fear is that they'll be forgotten) your family will never forget, and his friends will never forget. {{hug}}
    Your fog is beginning to clear, and you will find yourself laughing from your soul again, and it will surprise you. And it will feel good. And you'll 'feel' him smiling because you have laughed. And that will feel even better. :^)
    You'll find your new 'normal' and make wonderful memories again, and as you do you'll "treasure things in your heart" and that will make you smile a sad smile, but a heartfelt one.
    You're going to be ok sister that I have never met, your faith has carried you to this point, and will once again lift your spirits.

  3. I've had this in a tab for a few days, saved until I could read it quietly and alone. So beautiful and sad and full of fierce love. What a wonderful family.