He Made Me A Mom

He made me a mom. 

I was so sick when he took his first breath. 

 In and out of consciousness.
My memories formed from pictures. 

When he took his last breath I wasn't there either.
He slipped into his heavenly home while I slumbered in mine. 

And this Mother's Day he won't be here. 

I am also a motherless daughter. 

Both my mom and my sweet mother in law in their eternal home.

So where in the world does that leave me for Mother's Day? 

My first instinct is to run. 

All that is within me pushes against the coming of the Day. 

My heart constricts with the memories of days gone by. 

The gripping reality that one of my babes lies deep in the ground. 

There will be no meadow flowers. 

He won't climb the steps smelling like barn and look at me with that crooked grin. 

I won't hand him a cup of coffee; steaming hot. 

This, my last Mother's Day photo.

It was such a great day.
There was so much hope with graduation pending.
There is much room for despair. It crouches waiting.
So many fall prey to the emotional caveat.
But I want to smack that despair around. 

I want to be grateful for the 17 years I had with my boy.
The searing loss still present; not debilitating. 

Each memory a treasure. 

It was an honor to be his mom.
God chose me for the time.
It is an honor to be mom to the rest of our children. 

Each one unique.
 Blessing us in so many ways.

I long for one more moment with Elijah.
I long for the morning when I wake and the world is not off kilter.
I can not change my circumstances.
They are set in motion.
I can change how I respond.
I will give thanks and praise for the years with Elijah.
I will rest in the joy of being a mom.
I will enjoy every moment.
The hard times of adolescence;  the snuggles just before sleep invades.
Many long for that very gift of motherhood.
And my heart cries out for the wombs that have remained empty.
These drive us to our knees in a lack of understanding.
This loving and merciful God allows so much grief. 
He, no stranger to our pain. 
He promises to walk every step of this weary way.
He also longs to give us peace for the journey.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 
for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you;
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you Elijah for making me a mom. 

My heart grieves with your absence.

Death may have robbed me of so many things. 

But it can't rob me of that. 

You brought me joy I had never known. 

You brought me to my knees like no other. 

You made me a mom; and for that, I am so grateful. 

Thank you Chelsea,  Adam and Lilah, Clarissa, Cedric, Christiana and Eleanor for walking this hard, hard road together.

 God has taken our family on a difficult journey over these last 9 months. 

Death, cancer, depression.

Your courage and strength is inspiring. You have made me proud as a mom.

  I wish this didn't have to be.

I wish all your tomorrows were filled with nothing but lovely steps. 

But we know our steps are ordered by the One that hands grace out by the truck loads. 

And there is no place that we would rather be. 

The greatest gift I can give you is hope. 

Hope in the risen Lord. 

Hope that we all, will one day be reunited.

God also gave us life in the midst of all this heartache. 

Chelsea on your first Mother's Day may your heart be full. 

May you know the incredible peace that comes from knowing all is as it should be. 

We are kept. 

 Job 1;21

Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. 

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; 

may the name of the LORD be praised."

Grab your cup of something hot and and watch kid President make you laugh and cry at the same time until you make those funny noises. 

Noises that only moms can make.

Because we can be happy, sad, mad, loving, screaming, cleaning, praying, reading, cooking and drinking coffee all at the same time. 

A Cup Of Coffee And Some Inspiration

Today grab a cup of coffee. Relax and enjoy some of this weeks inspiration. 

• My cousin's blog is full of inspiration. And a little tease about a new book discussion. 

• A friend I have yet to meet also has grief as her constant companion. Here is her paraphrase of this precious verse. 

Matthew 5:3-4 You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

• It's been 13 months since mom has resided with the King of Glory. I miss her so very much. I long to share my heart with her. I long for her comforting words as I miss my first born. Here are the words I scratched out on the year Anniversary of her home-going. 

A year after mom's home-going.

• And finally. Since I struggle day to day with performing normal household activites. Trying to accomplish something as I push through grief and find the strength to find nourishing supplements for my farmer as we walk through cancer. I have found this Manifesto to be life for me. It is on my refrigerator and in my day timer. 

May this bless you today. Ann Voskamp's 25 Manifesto

A Birthday On The Holiest Of Nights

It was such a clear, cold night. 

The stars shone brightly. 

I couldn't sleep. 

Moon beams streamed through the window.

I wondered what Mary, the mother of our Savior, thought about. 

How did she feel? 

Did her feet swell on the way to Bethlehem. How did she make that journey, so with child?

What was she thinking?

 I pondered these things as I was heavy with child;

as I mourned the loss of my Mother in Law.

I pondered these things during Advent as my time grew near. 

I wondered. 

On the night before the celebration of the birth of the Savior of this world. 

My time came. 

And at 12:48 on December 24, 2002, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. 

She was so pink.

And so soft.

I had resigned from teaching.
I was going to be a stay at home mom; for the first time. 

And this sweet girl has grown.

And now she is 11. 

I wonder where God will send her on this life journey. 

How will he use her gentle ways?

Her dimpled smile?

This child we weren't expecting. 

This gift.  

Even now;

as we mourn and walk a deep journey of grief and unknown.

She brings us great joy. 

She snuggles and loves to be held. 

This child loves to clean. 

So different from me.

She prefers order in the midst of all our chaos. 

She born on the holiest night of all. 

She is graceful and elegant. 

Happy Birthday our sweet Ana.

Christiana Shirley.

Named after the Grammie she never met.

But who we say kissed that sweet face before she was sent down. 

Because there is a shadow of Shirley in that Christiana. 

Thank you for the lessons you have taught us about slowing down. 

About breathing deep and treasuring moments.

And I wonder what Mary thought.  

Luke 2:17-18

 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

Mark Lowery wrote this song and sings it here. 

I pray on this holy of days that we ponder all that was given; 

all that was sacrificed when the Incarnate came as a babe.