Do You Ever Feel Like You're Just Spinning Plates?

You know that time, just before the sunrise?

When there seems to be a hush. 

Time stands still before the day break. 

Yeah. 

I missed it. 

I slept until 6:41. 

I woke with a splitting headache. 

I wanted to burrow back under the covers. 

You see. 

I love to sleep. 

I LOVE to go to bed. 

I look forward all day to going to bed. 

I may have written about this once or twice. 

I love to climb in to bed. 

Book in hand. 

Words woven into story or thought before me. 

Quiet. 

A time when it's ok to rest. 

The feeling of needing to be productive;

ended for a few moments. 
But I love to rise early. 

This morning.

I recoiled at being awake. 

Already behind. 

No quiet time. 

I missed the beauty of the sunrise. 

Coffee a necessity rather than a luxury. 

Isn't that the way?

When it's a luxury it is still wonderful. 

A treasure. 

A gift. 

Coffee; because I want it. 

Quiet time because it's available. 

But when the day starts hard and you're behind;

Coffee is a necessity and you run the list fast through your mind. 

The tyranny of the urgent. 

I bark sharply. 

Breakfast, devotions, lunches, dishwasher, laundry. 

Remembering that when you make yogurt,
 you need to make sure you have a starter before you begin the process. 

Happy Chickens. 

Spin those plates. 

Keep it all going. 

Don't let it fall. 

I breathe. 

This is not how I want life to be. 

Even when I wake late. 

Even when the coffee is the necessity. 

I want my life seasoned with grace. 

Even when there's deadlines. 

I breathe. 

These are the moments that can be the holiest all day. 

The most chaotic moments of the day might also be the holiest. 

When your heart races and things are chaotic.

When you're behind and feel out of control. 

That's when He can do His work. 

It comes in the surrender. 

Knowing that even though all is spinning wildly;

He is not. 

He, is still in control.

This is digging deep. 

So I sip the coffee. 

I breathe deeply. 

I speak gratitude. 

The pace slows. 

Order (what little I have) returns.

I am choosing the way that is filled with the Holy Spirit. 

The way that keeps my feet light. 

That allows me to be used by God at any moment. 

I am holding loosely to the things of this world. 

I am ready. 
With open hands. 

Just Breathe
Jonny Diaz

Just Before Dawn

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

The dark still lingers. 

Coffee perked. 

The morning sounds beginning. 

My farmer and girls; still milking. 

The pause before the day begins. 

One of my favorite times of day. 

It is the time I feel most in tune with my Savior. 

The time when my heart is full. 

When I feel strong. 

It is after my feet have touched the floor. 

The moments where my soul has been refreshed in the Ancient Word. 

Each day holding on to a truth. 

A verse to cling to. 

Holding a steaming cup of coffee. 

I breathe deep. 

I let go of the thoughts that seek to discourage. 

I hold fast the truth. 

I step into the newness of the day. 

This is work each day. 

I am ready for what God will send my way. 

There is nothing He and I can not handle together. 

I want to see where He leads. 

I long for lives to be changed. 

Hope.

I long to be used by Him for His work. 

Won't you step into that path today? 

Lay down those burdens. 

Seek a better way.

With God, all things are possible. 

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them and said,

 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

It's Here! Day #20 of Thankfulness

It's here.

Today's the day. 

I head to CT to get my girl. 

I can't wait. 

~ 30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
Coming home
friends who take the day to travel with me
the freedom to travel down and back in a day
my farmers sense of humor
family
coffee
thoughts of stopping to get coffee on the trip
bible study; encouraging my walk with God
our dog snuggling at my feet
going to bed- oh how I love to go to bed
one end of the house getting fixed - it was so bad
this Thanksgiving season to intentionally name my thanks
the hope of Glory
the strength for each day


This act of naming gratitude is hard some days. 
May your walk of gratitude change you. 

May you be encouraged this day no matter what you are facing. 
May deep joy find you where ever you are. 

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

Lessons From the Coffee Pot

No rich smell of coffee reached my senses as I stumbled through the kitchen. 

My caffeine deprived system trying to register the day, the mess all at once. 

That is when my eye sight cleared enough to see. 

My coffee pot. 

In pieces. 

With no rich, aromatic coffee smells emanating from it. 

No beautiful perking sounds. 

Just pieces and parts on the counter. 

I knew this might be happening.
I had inside information and I failed to act. 

Yesterday, it was a 2 pot kind of a day. 

After 20 years of marriage my farmer bought a timer and makes my coffee.

Such a gift!

So fun. 

But that morning we needed more than the one pot. 

And so, I made another. 

Per usual, I got distracted and after a time remembered there was more 

hot, steamy liquid ready! 

As a good hostess I poured my house guest her cup first. 

The look on her face alerted me to a lack of coffee bliss. 

The coffee was cold.

I touched that percolator. 

The usually hot exterior was stone cold. 

I fiddled with the cord. 

I checked the outlet for power. 

I stared at my friend. 

Could it be? 

Could the coffee pot be unusable? 

It's usefulness finished? 

God bless her she gulped the rest of the cold, dark fluid. 

I rushed to the stove to warm my cup. 

The days needs usurped anymore discussion of the fate of the percolator. 

Until. . . we went grocery shopping. 

My dear friend suggested we stop at the Kitchen Store to purchase a new Percolator. 

I declined. 

Me. 

I declined the offer. 

Stating that I felt my farmer should look at it. 

He should see if it really needs to be replaced. 

Those percolators are not cheap. 

I wasn't willing to give up on my constant companion. 

My friend, being the wise woman, just shook her head; knowingly. 

She doesn't understand I thought. 

My other dear friends bought this pot for me. 

My other one failed the day Eleanor came into this world. 

Thinking back. 

They didn't ask. 

They just bought it. 

I came home from the hospital to delicious, freshly brewed coffee. 

It's been almost 10 years since that day. 

10 years of of perked coffee. 

The top long broken off. 

The contacts for the cord rusty and delicate. 

But this morning; when I stumble to the kitchen. 

I am greeted with parts and pieces. 

I could have had a delicious, hot, steamy, aromatic cup of coffee in my hands. 

But I had said, "No" to a gift. 

I call my farmer to share my shock and horror at 

the insides of the coffee maker on my counter. 

And my great distress at no hot coffee this morning. 

His words were compelling;  harsh in a loving way. 

I had been offered a gift and I had turned it down. 

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

My friend had offered a gift. 

I was unwilling to accept. 

It's hard to accept sometimes. 

Even after all these months of God's lessons in accepting from others. 

It is still hard. 

So this morning I drink a cup of coffee from the Keurig. 

It is not the same. 

But it does the job. 

A warm cup of java in my hands. 

My way to start each day. 

The Keurig a gift as well. 

A sweet gift given. 

I think on these events. 

The giver of the gift sought the joy in giving; in meeting a need. 

God's gift of love is given so freely. 

To all. 

Offered at the cost of, "yes". 

May you all know the joy of receiving the best gift ever given. 

All you need to do is say, "yes". 

The Routine A Farm Life Brings Day #19 of Thankfulness

I turn on the fire,
A hot cup of coffee in hand.

I sit.

I have started the laundry. 

The sound comforting and steady. 

The warmth from the fire removes the chill from the room. 

These plunging temperatures and fierce wind 

make it hard for this old farmhouse to stay warm. 

The day looms before me. 

Choices to make. 

A life to live. 

Up at the barn the routine of milking continues. 

Cow after cow. 

Chore after chore.

Steady.

There is something soothing about routine. 

It is the way of the farm life. 

Never changing; yet always different. 

The night the oldest farm boy called home;
 the tyranny of chores pulled and propelled us forward. 

The dark of the night; the routine - imperative.

Until the dawn broke.

The routine that continues to move us forward also includes 

 bended knee to the King of Glory and time in the Ancient Word. 

Much time spent on our knees as we plead before the throne of grace 

for strength to move through this day. 

I don't know what this day will hold. 

I can't be sure of anything. 

Yet one thing. 

Through it all God will never, ever leave my side. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

The grace in routines
warm spaces in chilly seasons
mercies that are new every morning
quiet
the Ancient Word that breathes life into my aching heart
truth; unwavering, solid
bended knees in prayer
the hope in Christ
this drafty old house and the sounds that are soothing and comforting
the lessons I am learning as grief takes it's course
eyes to see beauty 
the opportunity for my farmer to answer the call for a missions trip
Hoss and his family and the deep, deep joy they bring
opportunities to give and serve 
God, who never leaves us nor forsakes us
the routine of bowing low each morning and starting the day with the holy

The Revelation Song
Kari Jobe

You are my everything
And I will adore you

Dear Elijah

Dear Elijah,

Just writing your name warms my heart. 

It's been so long since I have heard your voice; 

cooked your favorite meals; watched you while you worked; 

or listened while you debated the issues of this world. 

The farm was visited once again by unmeasurable grace. 

A man who walks with bowed knee to the King of Kings,

bringing the fullness of Christ once again to this farm. 

The hands and feet of Jesus. 

The body of Christ. 

I watched in sheer wonder as they replaced the porch.
A boost.
An encouragement.
Grace. 

It is so beautiful. 

You would love it. 

There are no weak spots. 

It took no time at all to sweep. 

I sat with my cup of coffee and praised God this morning. 

As always, my thoughts turned to you, and how I miss you. 

How my soul longs for you. 

I ache to hug you and watch you become all that God would have.

I wanted you to meet all these wonderful people that came to the farm.
I wanted to introduce you when I introduced your brother and sisters. 

But you have arrived. 
You are experiencing all the Glory and wonder that God has in store for us. 

I just wanted to be there before you. 

These grace filled folks also completed the roof of the woodshed. 

 How proud you would be!

They added more rafters and they used NEW tin.
There is another who resides with you in our eternal home who had this vision as well.
His desire now fulfilled. 

Daddy and I stood underneath the shed with Mr Larson and I felt a little lighter. 

I felt the weight and burden of this place lift off a bit. 

I thought ahead to winter and how nice it will be for daddy to fill the boiler
 and not be digging through the snow. 

I hardly remember last winter. 

Your first winter not here. 
There was cancer and sickness and death lingering everywhere. 

Uncle Eric and others kept that boiler filled. 

I can't help but remember your eyebrows being singed and
the front of your red hair when you wore it longer. 

These are the things I think about as I swing on this new porch. 

The body of Christ is a beautiful thing.

1 Corinthians 12:26-27
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, 
every part rejoices with it.Now you are the body of Christ, 
and each one of you is a part of it.

I am learning what it means to receive with gratitude. 

Handing guilt over to the Father. 

I rejoiced today as I sat on that swing. 

I gave thanks for the beautiful sunrise. 

I gave thanks for the amazing porch. 

I thanked God for you my dear son. And the 17 years you were here.
They were wonderful years.
I am blessed to have had them.

I am growing closer to God each day.
He is my light and my song.
One of your dear friends went through the waters of baptism today.

He stepped into the path of the richness of Christ.
You were not far from my thoughts.

You entering the waters of baptism.

The glorious public alliance with Christ.
Such a great day. 
I still have that piece of paper you hold in your hand.

I hold the paper.
You hold the hand of the one who paid the price for you.

I miss you. 



I sat at your grave today and cried the tears of a mommy's broken heart.

Tears I have wanted to shed all weekend. 
Tears of a grateful heart for a new deck I don't deserve.
Tears for the body of Christ and Community that continues to hold us.
Tears of a heart that misses my mom; all the things I long to tell her.
Tears of a heart that wonders how long her farmer has.
And tears for you my boy.
My precious son.

Each day I will continue to hand over the reigns of my life.
Letting God guide my path.
He writes my daily list. 
Longing to bring light to hurting souls.
All my love,
Mom

Colossians 3:17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 
giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Living Fully

Another perfect summer day. 

The wind blows. 

The sun is shining.

No humidity.
Shows and a wedding.

These are days that the living flows.

Days that take little effort. 

The ease with which to work. 

It's easy to find hope on these days. 

Yet my heart still holds back.  

 Each day healing. 

Each moment filled with grace. 

But just under the surface the pain and the missing reside. 

Forever changed; yet today needing to be lived through.

Psalm 118:24
This is the day the LORD has made. 
We will rejoice and be glad in it.


Gratitude changes the heart.
The rhythm of one's step united with God's Holy purposes.


Grateful For:

A full weekend of dance, family, weddings and pictures.
Remembering
4 days of sunshine and warmth
Hay for winter's wrath
Blue skies and fluffy clouds
Lessons learned in the midst of pain
Deep joy given by our heavenly father
The assurance of the things to come
Community
Friendships and dance directors
Visions and dreams being fulfilled on stage
Cool evenings
A messy house that has been so full this weekend
Coffee. Coffee beans. Ground coffee. Coffee.
A heart that is held

Turning Monday Around

I start complaining before I open my eyes. 

The birds are so loud. 

My shoulder hurts. 

It's burning. 

I need Advil.

I need coffee.

I need the Ancient Word.

But that means I have to get up. 

I am so bone weary tired. 

I need coffee; 

(I think I have already mentioned that)

which I didn't prepare like I usually do. 

Because I was so tired. 

I just want to sleep in; have no agenda for the day. 

No cows, calves to feed, milking, haying, laundry, book work, rides, school, schedules. 

I roll over. 

I usually wake handing the day over to God. 

Thanking him, no matter what, for the blessings. 

Today they are not coming. 

The sinking feeling of all is not well, is heavy on my heart. 

I roll out of bed. 

I trip on stuff on the floor. 

My room is a mess. 

I haven't been home long enough to accomplish anything. 

I make coffee. 

 I wait. 

The air feels heavy. 

I haven't looked at a weather forecast. 

It feels like it's going to be hot. 

My shoulder continues to ache. 

I head to take some Advil. 

There is none. 

Another reminder of all that I haven't done.

I have to take Tylenol.

I have got to go to the store. 

The list a mile long. 

Always something that needs to be done. 

All I want to do is crawl back in bed. 

Sleep.

Where memories can't hurt. 

Where the stabbing pain doesn't linger. 

What will that accomplish?

Messes will linger.

I will continue to trip over things. 

And I may miss the beauty or the blessing available for the day. 

We need to look. 

Have eyes wide open to see the glory God will display. 

At the races yesterday, I glanced out over the beautiful creation God has bestowed on us. 

Looking for beauty is work. 

It is pushing aside all that bogs down. 

Continuing to count a 1,000 gifts . . .again.

I am thankful for:

Beautiful landscapes

Rides with the son

Deep breaths

Days at the races

Time at the river with the girls and a spontaneous visit with a friend

Seeing other friends out walking on the property enjoying the day

borrowed trucks

Grace

Daughters snuggled on the couch

Grilling

Haying continuing even though we took the day off

Farmers helping farmers

Family living all around us

The art of counting the blessings

The heart that changes when it is touched by mercy and grace

Turning this Monday around. 

We Are Kept

It says it right there. Right there in Jude. At the very beginning. 

To those who have been called, who are loved by God, the Father and kept by Jesus Christ.

We are kept by Christ. 

What a thing.

 I linger on those words. I sip coffee for a few moments, and then a few moments more;

while meditating on those Ancient Words. I actually even got up and got another cup because I needed to hear this message. And I stayed up too late watching the Olympics and my brain is still fuzzy. 

So I needed another cup to clear the sleep away and catch hold of this verse. 

 I let them penetrate my heart. 

Kept by Jesus Christ. 

These words are followed by; 

Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.

He doesn't say only if your life is travelling along at a beautiful pace.  

He doesn't say when all is wrong and your heart is shattered into a million pieces 

and you wonder what all this is really about. 

Jude tells us.

Remember.

You are kept. 

And in abundance is mercy, peace and love. 

May all this be yours today. 

May you find time to drink your coffee and hold these truths close. 

A Cup Of Coffee And Some Inspiration

Today grab a cup of coffee. Relax and enjoy some of this weeks inspiration. 

• My cousin's blog is full of inspiration. And a little tease about a new book discussion. 

• A friend I have yet to meet also has grief as her constant companion. Here is her paraphrase of this precious verse. 

Matthew 5:3-4 You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

• It's been 13 months since mom has resided with the King of Glory. I miss her so very much. I long to share my heart with her. I long for her comforting words as I miss my first born. Here are the words I scratched out on the year Anniversary of her home-going. 

A year after mom's home-going.

• And finally. Since I struggle day to day with performing normal household activites. Trying to accomplish something as I push through grief and find the strength to find nourishing supplements for my farmer as we walk through cancer. I have found this Manifesto to be life for me. It is on my refrigerator and in my day timer. 

May this bless you today. Ann Voskamp's 25 Manifesto

To Turn Back Time. . .Day # 5 of Thankfulness

We have turned the clocks back an hour.

So easy.

Just turn the knob, press a button.

Boom.

It's finished.

We gain an hour.

Just like that.

Oh, how I long for one more hour.

Yet, I think, if I knew; if I knew I had only one hour left with Elijah, would it have changed anything? 

My mom just left the earth in December. We knew she was dying. We begged the Lord to take her. We told her we loved her over and over. We told her it was o.k. to leave. And it was. It wasn't really, but it was. She had lived a good life-too short in my book. (Though the definition of  too short would change in a little over 7 months) She had fought a valiant battle with cancer.
It was time. But she lingered.
Oh the agony of watching your dear mother hang in the balance of this world and the next.
God was still present. He was still sovereign. . .and Good.
Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence; 
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 

 I was not granted another hour with Elijah. His life abruptly ended; with no warning.
Time can not be turned back.
Time marches forward.
A steady beat.

Click on the link to hear
Mikayla's tribute to Elijah

 I was granted a hug and a kiss before he left.
I was granted moments in that day that are ingrained forever.
Even while they were happening they were crisp.
Everything with Elijah was like that.
There are no guarentee's in this life.
We need to be ready.
We may be called home at any moment.
Are you ready?
Have you healed relationships?
Have you loved well?

But I have been granted other hours, on this earth to finish the life I have.
I want to finish them well.
I want to be found faithful.
I want my life to count for God's Kingdom.

On this day #5 of Thankfulness
I am Thankful for:
A daughter that lights up a room with her laugh

My first girl, so delicate and sweet
her friendships
her unwavering faith in the Lord
her ability to derail any serious conversation where she may be in a wee bit of trouble
The way she loves her siblings

her love for her brother who now resides with the King of Kings

her heart that is strong and sensitive
her messy room
(I am putting into practice the attitide change)
her musical and athletic ability
leadership qualities
her confidence in who she is in the LORD
for getting her license in a truck she had never driven
her blatant honesty
her strength when she lost her sweet puppy and brother in 2 weeks time
her willingness to still tell me too much information
For texting when she leaves and arrives at a place just because she knows it helps me
for all the years of driving to and from MA while Nana was sick
never complaining when I missed games, or concerts because I was out of town taking care of Nana
Making the best Pumpkin Latte's. . . .ever
Because when it comes down to it. . .it's all about the coffee

May this thankful journey be one of great joy.
This is my one song I am trying to listen to, to put one foot in front of the other.
It's a brand new day.
Make it count.
No matter what you're going through. . .
And may you feel the hope rising.