Show Me How What I Wanted Isn't Best For Me

It was Early Sunday Morning his Spirit left his earthly body. 

In the wee hours.
While the night was still dark. 

While I slept. 

My boy left this earth.

The shock of those days have lessened. 

They still fill me with a sickening feeling when I think of them. 

There is much I still do not know about that time. 

I can't. 

It was Sunday morning when the heaven's declared God's majesty.

Oh how our hearts ache.
We long for this to be a bad dream.
I want something I can never have.
Each morning I wrestle with the knowledge that Elijah will never come home. 
His room, still the same as the day he left.
Some clothes I can't bear to move.
Sometimes I feel stuck.
Like, if I wait long enough, things will change.
He will come home. 
So the struggle becomes the journey.
My soul needs to be recharged.
Refocused.
This is a daily task.
Sometimes moment by moment.
My heart hurts.
My family different.
There will always be a space.
Someone missing.
It will consume and over power me if I let it.
The negative thoughts, the pain.
I breathe deep. 
My prayer has become, "show me Lord ."

Psalm 5:8
Lead me, LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies-- 
make your way straight before me.

Show me how to live this way.
Show me how what I wanted, wasn't best for me.
Change my heart. 
Show me where my steps should travel.
Place before me the folks I need to touch;
the folks that my soul needs.
God will equip me for the rest of this life's journey.
I will rest in the hope of a risen Savior.
I will cling to the Ancient Word.
 I find peace in the moment. 

Psalm 91:11
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

Keep Our Wicks Trimmed And Burning

I stood in the field and watched. 

Lanterns to remember.

His classmates gathered together. 

Remembering. 

Prayers taking flight.

Each lantern rose higher and higher. 

Lights dotting the already starlit night. 

I wanted to reach out and somewhere find him in the group. 

I longed to see him.
Missing him deeply. 

Each lantern aglow, floating heavenward.
Beauty. 

Peace.
As I gazed around, I wondered, how many know that soul searching peace?

Two men, sons taken before them.

Stepping together through the fiercest of times.

We watched as the Lanterns faded.
Some counting shooting stars.
Quiet murmuring through the field.
Remembering.

Three lanterns pulled together.
I am sure there is some scientific phenomena for this.
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Three in One.
We are loved.
In Him we move and have our being for a purpose.

Acts 17:28
For in him we live and move and have our being.' 
As some of your own poets have said, 
'We are his offspring.'

May our light burn slowly and not fade.
We need to keep our wicks trimmed and burning.

Matthew 25:1 &2  25:13
"At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins 
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 
Five of them were foolish and five were wise. . .
Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour."

The Anchor Holds

The day dawned. 

I stood on the porch; not wanting to be awake. 

Odd for me.

The sun rose to meet me. 

Much like a year ago. 

The same sky. 

The same God.

The world just a little older. 

The vastness of the Universe running through my mind. 

How Great is our God. 

Sing with me how great is our God. 

(Chris Tomlin How Great is our God

It's not because of what He's done, but because of who He is. 

I can not fathom the why. 

I need to live in the, "what now".

There is a life time of living still to be done. 

Though its step are painful and the ache deep. 

I stood on that porch; redone since that last year. 

Not needing to dodge the precarious soft boards. 

No threat of falling through. 

A gift given. 

The beat of the day off a bit. 

I head to a friends to let the girls swim. 

Their laughter echoed in that place. 

Beautiful. 

Reminding me of hope. 

Pressing me on. 

Later  family gathered around the table.

The rains came.

We were cozy inside.  

There was laughter and smiles. 

His friends came later. 

There was laughter. 

They sat and visited. 

Catching up on the year. 

They've been in college. 

They wanted to light lanterns. 

It was raining. 

A change in plans.

It all felt comfortable. 

My soul at peace. 

My heart longs for success for each one. 

Much joy. 

Deep faith. 

Hebrews 16:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

The anchor holds. 

As the storm continues to rage we will stay strong. 

We are reaching for hope. 

Our souls are at peace. 

We are battered and weary. 

But the Anchor holds. 

As you are tossed about this sea of life,

 May you know the security of the Anchor holding fast. 

I Said Yes, When Every Ounce Of Me Wanted To Shout, "No!"

I choke back the real answer I want to give. 

I hold my emotions in reserve. 

Every ounce of me wants to shout, "No!"

She wants to go to the drive in with her friends. 

She needs money. 

Another night spins in my head. 

I didn't want him to go. 

I asked him not to go. 

I give her the money. 

I make popcorn and put it in a bag. 

I want her to be small again. 

I want to bathe them all and read stories while they all fight for a space on my lap. 

I want to pray and hear their gratefulness for the day. 

And then I want to tuck them into bed. 

Kiss them good night. 

Lean into the door frame and silently pray a blessing over them.
Deep gratitude for being a mom. 

That was then. 

This is now. 

And now rips at my heart. 

The now forces my hand. 

I can not cave to fear. 

I John 4: 18

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

 For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

The enemy seeks to devour. 

I will not fall. 

I will stand on the truth I know.

I thank God for my daughter.

I need to let her go. 

She needs to see the strength in me; not the fear. 

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

 I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

She needs to see that when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:10

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

She is well aware of my angst. She texts and calls. 

I pray. 

She's been very understanding. 

But she still went. 

She stood her ground in a gentle and firm way. 

We made it through. 

I am exhausted from being up so late. 

Yet I am encouraged. 

She is much like her dad. 

Each moment a choice. A decision. 

Confident. 

A walk into peace. 

A peace that is above all earthly expectations. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Thank you God for the lessons you teach us. For the ways you force our hand to conform more to your likeness each day. Thank you for your gentle and loving spirit that carries us through. 

Thank you for loving us enough to change us. 

Where Do You Go When You Can't Leave?

The wind howls.

It's vet check.

Robinson's come to fill the tenant house with fuel.. 

This winter won't quit.

Separating cows to be dried off seems like such an ominous task
when the wind steals your breath and your fingers feel numb. . . at the end of March. 

How do you maintain any kind of a positive attitude when the
sun doesn't shine and the icy gusts chill to the bone?

Many leave. 

They leave Vermont for warmer weather. 

They head out on vacation. 

If our hired help situation was different, we too would join the throngs
 headed to a tropical paradise. 

My farmer can't get warm.

Deep loss, chemo, radiation  and depression leave him cold;  

defenseless against the bitter winter. 

What is the remedy? 

Last week I turned up the volume and listened to Christmas music. 

I celebrated Advent right in the center of Lent. 

Today, I reach deeper. 

Winter's clutches won't let go.

The talons of depression are tightly attached to my farmer. 

Snow, ice and everything frozen keep important work from being done.
And the door to discouragement, for me, is ajar.
I fight with all I have.
I cling to what I know.

Psalm 62: 5-6
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
 my fortress where I will not be shaken

It is in finding the quiet.
  Rest in the Lord.
The Lessons in Lent I seek. 
If I choose to wallow and name all that is wrong, I descend into the pit.
But when I count a Thousand Gifts; I name that for which I am thankful.
Something happens. 
God meets me there; in my brokenness and pain.
He goes before me, I am not alone. (Building 429)
He lifts me out of the pit and sets my feet on firm ground.

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. 
He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

The well worn path is there.  I remain on that path. 

I sing a childhood song.

Count your blessings, name them one by one. 

Count your blessings see what God has done.

My feet are planted; I will stand. 

Whatever may come our way. 

We won't be shaken!

We Were Created For More

I gaze at the pictures on the wall. I sometimes wonder if I should take them down.

Everywhere I look there are signs of Elijah. 

And there should be. 

He was still living. 

He had no intention of meeting Jesus on July 28. 

He was expecting to go to a shooting match and then live the rest of his life. 

He was going to boot camp and we would celebrate his birthday.

I was going to write letters to him and fly to South Carolina for his graduation from Boot Camp. 

But he never made it home.

His bed remained empty. 

And now my heart is shattered. 

I step each day into seeing where God will lead. 

What will be the message He has for me this day. 

I try hard to push aside the distractions. 

I fill a bag with clutter that contributes to the distractions. 

I search for quiet moments; times to be still and know that He is God. 

This journey is not over for me. 

I still have living to do. 

How that works without my son is still an enigma.

I want to be faithful.
I need this to count for something. I keep doing the next thing.
We were created for more.
There is more than just this life. 
We are called to be torch bearers for the Word.
We bring a message of Truth.
We wait with anticipation for the day in which we are called heavenward.
We continue to grieve with hope. 

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,
 so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

We will stand in the face of depression with faith. 

And we will walk the journey of cancer with grace. 
We will rest in the peace that passes all understanding.

Phillipians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The Landscape That Brings Such Peace; The Savior, Where I Find Rest

I love this farm. 

I remember the first time I came here. The first time I rode up the road on the bucket of one of the tractors. We came up the hill and the mountain and all it's majesty loomed before me; 

snow covered, 

silhouetted against a clear blue sky. 

It took my breath away and stirred in me an emotion I had never felt before. 

This place still does that.

No matter the weather;

Or the season. 

It is beautiful. 

It has been a blessing through sickness and the deepest of heartaches.
I have seen life and death in this place. 

It holds my past and even now my future. 

A future that won't be. 

It is a soothing balm in the midst of the trials of life. 

God has shown his majesty throughout the ages in glorious ways. 

The farm has been a sanctuary is the midst of some of the fiercest storms. 

There are reminders, continually, that He keeps His promises. 

Numbers 23:19

God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, 

that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? 

Does he promise and not fulfill?

Even when it feels barren and God seems so far away. 

When our hearts ache with the pain of this world.

He is still here. Still doing the amazing. 

Isaiah 20:48

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

Even in the quiet. In the darkest of Winter. He is here. He is moving. 

We head to see the Oncologists today. I rest in the unfailing love of the Savior.

 I trust even though I may not like the outcome.

 I trust knowing that whatever may come is what is meant to be. 

I rest in knowing that He is here. 

Moving in our midst. 

Psalm 37:7

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him:

This song is from Mendelssohn's Elijah.

O rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him,

And He shall give thee thy hearts desires.

Commit thy way to Him, and trust in Him,

And fret not thyself because of evil doers.

O rest in the Lord, and wait, wait patiently for Him.

Hush; Be Still

Hush

Be still

Wait

 And see 

New life

Springs

 from the old

There is hope

there is joy

It waits

 Hush

Be still

Wait
And see

The Lord

He is able 

He is mighty

Hush
Be still
I am not quiet.  I walk heavy. My husband reminds me; often.
He though scares me out of my skin; Repeatedly.
Quiet, not my companion.
I am reminded throughout the day to hush and be still.
The day is chaotic.
Visitors amidst my planned cleaning event.
Interrupted in the sweetest of ways.
A reminder that my Agenda is not the Lords.
No matter how I try to plan.
 He will bring about His desire for the day.
He will write my to do list.
The laundry will pile up.
The dishes remain in the sink.
The piles of book work still on the floor.
But the door to this farmhouse is open and the kitchen table full.
And at that table sits;
The blessing of a United States Marine. 
A glimpse at what I am missing, yet pride that another took the step.
He has come to visit; and I am honored.
Before that a visit and conversation with a sweet friend.
The commencement of the de-decorating of Christmas while the chaos flows.
Plenty of Coffee and tea. 
And the reminder to hush, and be still;
even while the busyness rages on.
Hush and be still.
Visit.
Hush and be still.
Embrace the interruptions.
Hush. Be still.
Because God is in all the pieces of the day.

Psalm 46:10
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

Be still and know that He is God
 Be still and know that He is faithful. 

Be still

A 6 month Walk No One Wants To Take

I stand still in the kitchen. 

I have cried out to God most of the day. 

I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. 

My soul is unsettled and I long for peace.

So I stand.

In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. 

Meals continue to come.

I have little to offer. 

My soul weary from the battle. 

So I stand. 

It is quiet. 

I breathe deep. 

I sense the presence of God. 

The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. 

For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. 

I stand for a moment on Holy Ground. 

It has been 6 months. 

6 months since our red headed boy was torn from us.
Since I have seen his blue eyes, heard him call me mom;
since my heart was shattered into a million pieces.
6 months of leaning into a life I don't like.

6 months of walking by faith alone. 

The journey has not been easy. 

Many transitions, diagnosis of cancer, continued financial strain and dark, cold days. 

The song lyrics, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. . .runs through my head.
Because I am only as strong as I am weak.
6 months of breathing in deep the crushing pain; the missing.
The necessity of stepping forward each moment to get to hospital appointments, to attempt to get the other parts of necessary completed.
6 months of learning my absolute dependence on God.
There is no other way.
6 months of realizing there is no more future for one.
But there is hope and there is grace for those left behind.

6 months is a long time.
And thinking of longer is brutal and stabs the heart.
But in God's timing it is but a breath.
So we will continue to walk one step a time.
I don't want a future with out my son. 
But I want a future walking God's way, more. 
I don't want a future with out my farmer.
I want a future completely dependent on God. 
I don't want to leave God's presence. Not for a moment.
I am held. He is there.
Even when it falls apart. Even when I feel alone.
And as I continue to stand.
I will breathe in deep.
I will rest, in His unfailing love. 

Draw me close to you Lord. 
Never let me go
I'll lay it all down again
To hear you say that I am your friend
You are my desire,
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
Oh help me find a way. . . .
You're all I want. . .You're all I've ever needed. 

How To Have an Authentic Thanksgiving When Your Life Has Been Turned Upside Down. . .Day #26 of Thankfulness

I will cook my Turkey this Thanksgiving without my mother, without my son, without the cutest white fur ball at my feet, hoping I will drop something; and without asking my dad for advice. I might call him just for tradition sake.  But the thief of memory stormed his doors awhile ago. How do you continue to be Thankful when the pain runs deep and the ache so strong.

Elijah will never come home. No matter how I stare at the bed and picture him playing on his ipad. . .No matter how much I try to make him there. He's not. And never will be again. Oh, God, how this hurts. I want to make it all go away. I want my family back in tact. I want to hear his steps on the stairs, hear his car in the driveway. The relief that always came when he walked in the door.
Is that normal? Does everyone else have the same fear?
Each time he left,

I wondered if it would be his last.
I would search for his shoes by the bench or his keys hanging from the hook. Even at 11 pm the night he journeyed to meet Jesus. I looked.
Did my spirit know he was to walk this earth for such a short time?
If we had known, would we have done anything differently?
I don't think so.
We loved, we laughed, we fought.
We tried the best we could to live this life, this side of eternity with all the grace we could.
I am sure we could have done better.
But we did our best.
I can't have Elijah back.
I need to see with grace from heaven the future God has for us here. I will continue to seek for that which I am thankful. To dwell on the grief leaves me empty and worn. But to gaze on the One who gave His life as a ransom for our souls; that brings peace. Oh, such sweet peace in the midst of the torment, the unknown, the fear. To know that He has it all. That God will bring about,
His wonderful goodness, in His time, is a treasure to behold.
When I get the mail there is a package. 
It is from one of mom's dearest friends.
What is inside leaves me undone. I cry and a wail escapes, because this living without your son is hard stuff. Mom's friend was her Secret Pal once, and she gave mom Willow Tree figures. Oh, how mom loved them. Each one a symbol of a struggle she was going through, or a joy she had encountered. They still sit perched on her beautiful cabinet in the living room. Reminding us of the beautiful friendship and the joy mixed in the struggle. Now, it is my turn. The package is a Willow Tree figurine.
 I am not prepared for what's inside.

Elijah's life is through here on this earth. But I am convinced that God will continue to send people to minister to us in so many ways. He will not be forgotten. And we will continue to experience sweet grace through those around us.

Day #26 of Thankfulness

I am Thankful for:
Packages in the mail
a letter in the same mail, with a copy of a letter of recommendation a teacher wrote for Elijah
a mother whose lessons learned living with cancer are my treasure and example
A God who sees and loves us unconditionally
A tangible hug when I think I can't bear it anymore
A grain salesman that cares enough to be involved
other friends who are coming alongside this farm to buoy us through this harsh winter in our lives
the sunshine yesterday
another evening watching Christmas movies and just being together
the trip Chels, Adam and Lilah are making to be with us
meals that I don't have to think about
time to work on bookwork because someone else is cooking, even though I love to cook I am amazed at how much energy grieving takes. . .
this journey of intentionally being thankful, I am changed
prayer, and my quiet times with the Lord
my farmer who works so hard to make sure the animals are more comfortable than him


God is good, not because of what He does, but because of who He is.
       -Sheri Wolcott

I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.” 
― Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control

Today, I will begin the preparations for Thanksgiving because I am Thankful. . .for oh so many things.
I will cry to Jesus and long for him to make all things right.