Lessons Learned From The Pig Pen

Some days I just want to play all day. 

I want someone to feed me and take care of my basic needs. 

A little like the piggy, wiggies. 

 When the sun shines,  I will soak up the warmth with not a care in the world. 

When I am scared, I can crawl into a pig pile. 

I can feel the safety and security of those closest to me. 

Alas, I am not a pig. 

Though I dare say I live like one sometimes. 

My room is such a mess. 

But, I am not a pig. 

I do have responsibilities and burdens to carry; 

no matter how much I would like to play all day. 

Each day there is the tierney of the urgent. 

The pressing and the important. 

The immediate and the overdue. 

It is enough to want that pig pile each moment. 

But there is grace. 

Reaching for stability. 

Found not in ourselves. 

It is when we let go. 

When we reach for holiness, we are transformed. 

The cross our focus. 

A life.

A sacrifice.

Forgiveness.

Restoration.

Our Agenda becomes His Agenda.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The peace that passes all understanding is ours. 

The urgent and mundane remain. 

It is we who are transformed. 

Not our circumstances. 

We who walk in the power of the Almighty. 

Strength gained from the surrender. 

Assurance through the storm. 

Solid ground no matter how rough the way. 

Hope and strength; ours. 

His Ways. . .Not Mine

Many came to help ready the farm for guests. 

There are so many details. 

My head spins. 

The weather could be an issue. 

I want it to be sunny. 

I don't want to have tents.
I want to sit out in the open. 

But that is not the case. 

It may rain; It may not. 

How do you decide?

So much of our walk in life is about letting go. 

Changing our expectations. 

If we just trust God.

Isaiah 55:9
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways 
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Put aside our desires and thoughts. 

Let God guide the day. 

We would have less stress. 

When we surrender there is peace. 

God is able to show up and do what He does best. 

So often we grab the reigns and run. 

Thinking we know best.
This day, I struggle, in the surrender.
I have expectations.  

I want to rest in knowing someone else is in control. 

The day will be what it is. 

And each piece will be for a reason. 

Joy sought amidst the pain. 

Grateful for time to be with others.

And it is just what it was. 

Beautiful. 

There were many things not as I had wanted. 

Not my vision. 

But was it mine in the first place?

This event was Gods. 

His ways are higher than mine. 

It rained. 

People stayed. 

My heart was so full watching as folks crowded under tents. 

Not leaving.
Fellowshipping. 

There were rainbows. 

Displays of Gods workmanship. 

Reminders of His Covenant promises. 

The visitors streamed in. 

More than 300. 

This time they came to be together.

We honored Elijah.

We raised funds for his Memorial Fund. 

A Fund we pray will bless many through scholarships, 

and other ways not yet known. 

There was music and food in the mountains.

There was deep love.

It is the force of a community resting in the unity.

Family, life long friends and strangers-now family.

This life isn't about getting things my way.

It's about learning to see through Gods lens. 

For me, this will take a life time of surrender. 

Day after day of setting aside my vision for a greater purpose. 

A visit to the cross daily. 

We are grateful for all that has been given. 

We have been wrapped in layers and layers of grace. 

We will continue to surrender. 

Even while we grieve. 

Even in deep sorrow. 

We will surrender, we will praise, we will keep on keeping on. 

I love music. It feeds my soul like nothing else besides the Ancient Word.

CeCe Winans sings a classic hymn. 

I hope it ministers to your soul and raises you high on the wings that are able to carry you. 

The Wonderful Cross

It's more than I deserve. 

2 different places. 

3 different testimonies.

All affected by 1 life. 

A life that wasn't perfect. 

But pointed to the One that is. 

I listen to Senior testimonies. 

New beginning's in the horizon.

A life hurt by the loss of his friend. 

July 28, 2013 etched in his young mind for ever. 

Questions raised throughout the year. 

Hearts hurting. 

But the power of the holy spirit was working in his heart. 

And God's love broke through the barriers and the hurt 

and reminded that pilgrim along this journey of His power and His might. 

And he shared that. 

He disregarded his carefully thought out testimony and shared from the deep place in his soul. 

And this mama was blessed. 

The second testimony reminded us of our need; our dependence on God for our future. 

He too walking with the deep loss of Elijah's friendship. 

How God uses those moments to allow me to see the impact my sons life is still having. 

The day became even sweeter as Clarissa and I went to witness 

her friend enter the waters of Baptism. 

A long awaited decision. 

New life. 

Matthew 28:19

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, 

baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,

A decision we learned was influenced by a young man who fell asleep 

at the wheel and was suddenly called home.

 July 28, 2013 forever etched in her young mind. 

Elijah's death prompted the deep questions we all wrestle with; 

Where am I going?

Even in Elijah's death God began the redemptive work in others. 

This is a gift. 

This is unmerited Grace and Mercy. 

Neither of which I deserve. 

God chooses at will to bring about the purposes He deems. 

To see this glimpse is holy.

 I am grateful. 

To stand this side of eternity is the hardest walk I have ever had to do. 

I long with all my heart for my boy. 

My soul aches for him. 

 To see purpose and God's mighty hand at work is powerful. 

Knowing souls are being ushered into the kingdom is humbling.

There is much rejoicing in the heavens.

The day has left me exhausted, grateful, sad, encouraged. . .(Elijah hated my use of ellipses)

The cross will remain my guide. 

Surrender my work. 

I will wait upon the Lord. 

He will renew my weary soul. 

He will bring about His purposes.

In His Time.

Oh that wonderful cross. 

Oh that wonderful cross

bids me come and die 

and find that I may truly live

Stepping Right Out Of Fear

The rains come. 

The earth eager for nourishment. 

The sound triggers memories. 

All senses alert. 

These are the pre-death days. 

Each moment so vivid. 

Such technicolor. 

Each night I fight against the jagged thoughts. 

The waking from sleep. 

The flashlights playing on my window. 

The knocking on the door. 

The deep dark. 

Knowing something is not right. 

The air conditioner. 

Off. 

No lights. 

It all threatens to tear at me. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The fear needs to flee.
My walk steady.
The day dawns and the night a memory.
The tasks for the day before me.
Hope of conquering the day.
Trying to not give way to sadness.
I pick up his room.
The smell of him still evident.
My fear; it will fade.
What will I have left.
The child I bore and raised, no longer part of this earth.
We are forced to step forward without him.
No matter how many words I tap out.
It will remain the same.
The one constant I want to change; the one thing I long for to be different.
There is no fear. 
Perfect love casts out fear.

I John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear

Carefully guided steps to the place where fear is surrendered.
I gather what I need to from his room.
I have said goodnight to all the other kids.
I get halfway down and holler good night; I love you.
They each respond. 
But one. 
And that is the way it will be.
I continue down the stairs to the rest the night will offer.
I know there will be no fear.
And I know there will be strength.

Isaiah 46:4
even to your old age I am he,
    and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made, and I will bear;
    I will carry and will save.

I was chosen to carry you Elijah.
It was an honor and a great privilege to be your mom.
For me, it was such a short time.
But there is another story here.
And long before you were born I gave up all I am to follow Christ;
 to live a life guided by the One who calls us into being. 
Who calls us by name.
And He loves us far beyond our earthly minds can grasp.
His sacrifice complete for me; for you.
It is now with Him you dwell.
And oh what joy you are experiencing.
His promises fulfilled.
I will Praise that One with all my being.

Keep On, Keeping On

The words on the pole begin to fade.

The area around the site; bare. 

The remnant of something. 

Unknown to passers by. 

A cross. 3 flags.

A memorial, one thinks. 

Each drive along that route, I cry out to the Father. 

I ask for mercy in this process. 

I beg for the pain to be softened.

I long to know why. 

Yet I don't remain there. 

There is still purpose and work left to do here.

The tension of how to move on and remember, pull. 

A desire to hide from all that is moving on; strong. 

Effort made each day to surrender my spirit and step forward.
So we will keep on keeping on.

Joshua 1:9
This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. 
For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

I am only strong when I am weak.
The journey to the cross purposeful.
Intentional.
Denying all for Him. 
Pushing aside the worldly chatter.
Trusting the process.
Laying it all down.
The steps and the path ordered by the giver of life.
Waiting. 
Our feet on solid ground.
Our hearts yielded and willing.
Open to the Spirits leading.
Stepping into joy. 

Stepping into purpose.
Clinging to promises.
Hope.
The words are fading. 
But the memories are alive.
The hand that hold us; strong.
I will redeem the last drive he took.
I will fervently pray that route each time; for years to come.
Do you have a route you need to redeem?
Is there a path you journey everyday and wish there had been a different outcome?
Come to the place where you are held. 
Take up the Cross and rest in the One who can redeem all different endings.
Give your soul rest and peace.
Eternity.

Matthew 16:24-26
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

What Kind Of A Legacy Will You Leave?

Someone took his flag. 

I know it doesn't really matter. 

But it was the only thing marking his grave. 

Someone placed it there. And I have loved it. 

 I feel violated. 

I want to scream, my son has already been taken from me! 

Now the flag too?

I am sure someone probably saw the flag and thought it was randomly placed where it was.
It wasn't a malicious act. 

They had no idea there was a grave. 

I know this; but this is such a great reminder. 

The legacy Elijah left is so much more than the space in the graveyard.
We are eternal beings. We were created by a loving God. 

For Him. With purpose. 
Even on our darkest days.
When all else is falling apart around us.
That never changes.
We have purpose.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
 which God prepared in advance for us to do.
The pain and hurt of our current circumstances can not compare with the coming glory. 
We need to hold fast. 
Live for that purpose. Leaving a legacy pointing to God. 
Breathe deep. 
Rest in the promises.
God is never changing. 
He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. 
He will fulfill His purposes through us. 
Each morning I continue to push through the fog. 
The searing pain ever present.
I seek to turn those moments to praise;
To gratitude.

 The sunrises in all it's glory.
The rhythm of the day begun.
The joy comes from a deep path worn through the years of grace.

It is well with my soul. 

When The Snow Piles High And The Drifts Impassable

Pushing through the dark. 

Looking for the light. 

Holding tight the truth. 

Letting go the fear. 

Wondering how this new life works. 

Digging deep for strength.

Resting in the One.
Reaching for Hope.

This journey continues to stretch me to the fullest.
Each day, I seek to rest not in the what if's, but in the what I knows.
When all is shaking around me, there is a calm.
An assurance so sweet.

The snow piles high and the drifts impassable.
The wind howls.
But yet the farmer presses on.
The cows are milked.
The rhythm of the day continues.
It is that rhythm that misses a beat; all so wrong.
But still we press on.

We bow our head in humble submission.
We bend under the weight.
But we will not break.

2 Corinthians 4:8
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
 perplexed, but not in despair;

Today I push the memories aside and linger at the cross.
I wait with expectancy of what will come.
I lean into the pain.
I embrace the journey.

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. 
All other ground is sinking sand. 
I pray you can take the time to listen to the words of this song.
Because in my world there is no other place to stand.
And I long for the day when He shall come with trumpet sound
Oh may I then in Him be found.
dressed in His Righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne

A Promise That Will Never Be Broken

She meets me at the door, as I enter church. I haven't seen her in so long. 
 She hugs me tight and we cry. 
She so young, with babies growing. Together we share the silent pain of miscarriages, me but one. . .she many. But this new pain; I carve a new path. What do you say? How can you express in words the fear every parent lives with; the one no one wants to endure. 

She hugs me tight as we cry. 

The service is beautiful. The first Sunday in Advent, the reminder of the Promise. A service of dedication; a young mom and dad dedicating their 2 boys before the LORD.
 It draws me up sharp.
 Dedication. 
The words haunt me. So long ago, we journeyed this same path. Full of expectation and wonder. Presenting our boy before God and the congregation. Pledging to raise him with God's help, so that one day he would surrender and enter the waters of Baptism.
 It is these times that the missing; the longing threaten to undue me. I wonder how I can go on. 
But he did enter the waters. 
And that promise of Eternal life was embedded deep within his soul. 
The hope and joy. 

And this year he gave a Senior Testimony that we will never forget.

He was looking forward.
Little did he know that 49 days later he would be traveling this magnificent world;
just as he desired.
 He had finished his race.

Our Pastor's son in law paints, as the service progresses.
 Bryn paints as the Holy Spirit guides.
It is the final 4. 
The 4 Sundays in Advent. 
Our Pastor's last 4 Sundays.
Bryn shares the words the kids have all chosen for their dad.
 2 words to describe the man who has 25 years of ministry in this church. 
Faithful Shepherd
A man who has Shepherded and baptized our children in the river of this land. 
A man who has unwaveringly served this church,
as a servant; a Faithful Shepherd. 

I come across this facebook post from last year.  

Wasn't much into celebrating last night. Went to bed early. Woke up to the 2 little girls sound asleep on the couch! I wonder if they made it to midnight! Happy New Year everyone! I am not a list or a resolution girl. . .but I do want to honor God this year. I don't want this life to be about me. I want to serve others. While taking care of my mom, I experienced such a wonderful gift. Caring for your mother is a heartbreaking joy. . . a deep down joy that no one can touch. So here is to a year NOT about doing what's right for me. . . or putting myself first. Here is to a year where I surrender and let God lead my steps. . . Because even in the hard times . . .with God is better than on my own. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. . . .

Little did I know the journey God had in store;

how he would "lead my steps". 

"Because even in the hard times. . .with God, is better than on my own."

I think if I had to chose a word to describe this past year it would have to be surrender. I have had to learn to give everything over. To get up each morning, and give over everything I have and all that I am. Because I have no strength. The grief threatens to overwhelm and the unknown looms. 

Yet, as we surrender all we have; God reaches down and works his good and perfect will through us. 

This Advent, I pray that you wait with anticipation for what God will do. 

Surrender all to him. 

With hope live each day, knowing that His plan is secure. 

He will fulfill his Promises.

I love to watch Elijah drum. 

He felt the beat to the very core of his being. 

"This is the first day of the rest of your life"

It's a Big, Deep Breath Kind Of A Day. . . Day #28 of Thankfulness

It's a big deep breath kind of a day.

It's been 4 months.
4 months since we were woken from our sleep with the news that our
  boy was in the presence of the King of Kings.
4 months since we placed our red headed, handsome, just graduated boy in the sod of this earth.

  How thoughts of that night still rock my world. 

And it's this day, that America celebrates all that we are thankful for.

The bounty and provision given in desperate times. 

Being thankful is a practice I have cultivated throughout the months and years of my life.
Seeking wholeheartedly all for that in which I am thankful.
Yet, being thankful for our son going home, so early, is beyond my earthly abilities.
 I don't think that is what God intends.
 I think being thankful for the life I had with him. Being thankful for those around us and all that we have, is what God desires. It is a deep understanding, that this is not our home. This is not where we belong. And one day we will be together, forever. I will walk each one of those steps still here on this earth wrapped in God's strength.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Our lives are to reflect His Glory, His promises, until the day He calls us home.
This journey is hard.

It's edges, rough. The fear of the unknown, lies at the door waiting to pounce.
 But our strength will remain in the LORD. We will find shelter in the palm of his hands.
So, on this Thanksgiving Morning, I surrender my life and my heart to
God's unfailing love and mercy.
It is to Him, be all the Glory.

Day #28 of Thankfulness
I am Thankful for;
Visits with a friend with little girls
Making cookies in the midst of a messy kitchen
a delivered meal that Ella actually ate
A new string of lights on the back porch
fresh snow-our sins will be made white as snow
fixed water at the barn
fixed circulator pumps in the house
a warm house in every room (the rooms that have heat)
the memories of wonderful Thanksgivings
friend who delivers a turkey to our freezer, and flowers to my kitchen
a delivery of flowers from other friends, delivered by one who too, has lost much
A day set aside to break bread with family and friends
this life, that no matter how tough it gets, our Savior is right there in the journey
my family, no matter how it has changed, I am still a blessed woman


“I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it.” 
― Elisabeth Elliot, Through Gates of Splendor

This is my desire. And there is no other rock on which to stand.
May your Thanksgiving be a gift today. May it be filled with the richness of God's amazing grace; whether you are in the midst of family and friends, or alone at your table; whether you are experiencing deep seeded grief or untold joy.

PSalm 34:8
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Lord I come, I confess, Bowing here, I find my rest. 
Without you. . .I'll fall apart, you're the One that guides my heart. 
Lord I need you, Oh I need, Every hour I need  you
My one defense my righteousness.
Oh How I need you. 

The Day is Dawning, How Will You Live This Day? . . .Day #13 of Thankfulness

The day dawns.

White crisp flakes fall to the ground.

The blanket of white enveloping the land.

Our sins are made as white as snow.
Isaiah 1:18
Come now, let us settle the matter,
says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, 
they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, 
they shall be like wool.

One gave, that we may have eternal life.

I keep hearing the voice of the Officer.
There's been an accident.
Is he ok?
silence
I'm sorry.
It plays over and over in my head.
The heart drop feeling.
The moment my life changed forever.

I can remember saying to the officer that God is in control. 
He gives and he takes away.
Blessed be the Name of the LORD.

I don't understand the ways of God.
I can not fathom why he would take such a young man.
My son.
So loved.
My heart aches with wanting answers.
And now my husband.
My sweet, quiet, hard working farmer.
Why?
But, as I have said. . .why not?
Why not my whole family?

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
 whenever you face trials of many kinds, 
 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 
 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, 
not lacking anything.

God is good because of who He is. . .not because of what He does.
And we are told we would face trials.
That this life would be hard.
What do we do with that trial is how we live and glorify God.
This journey is not easy.
I still would do anything to have Elijah back.
To make our fractured family whole.

But I have died to myself.
It is Christ who lives in me.
And it is in Him that we live and have our being.
It is in Him we have Hope.
So I lay it all down.
I surrender all that I am.
So that Christ may fill my cup.
He is no stranger to our pain.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, 
but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body,
 I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Day #13 of Thankfulness

I am thankful for:

Even though we are in great trial we have great peace

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

My mother-who gave me the greatest gift in my faith

My mother's example of walking with cancer

her journey to come to believe that the cancer had become a blessing

this community and the giving that is still happening

feeling wrapped in a hug on days we want to fall apart

people who understand farming and are willing to help

 my step daughter and her husband who bring me great joy

my children who are willing to live for Christ no matter how hard things are

Seasons to be Thankful

No matter your trial today, or even your utmost joy. 

May you find that peace and joy in the grace of the One who gave all, so we could live.

And every blessing you pour out I will turn back to praise

And when the darkness closes in. . .Lord. .. still I will say

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord. 

Listen. . . to those drums. . .listen. . .

A few things I have learned about a cold bedroom. . .Day #7 of Thankfulness

I have learned a few things over the years about not heating the bedroom:

1. I don't need a wine cellar. It's the perfect temperature.

2. Oil of Olay does not contain water. 

3. Oil of Olay does not freeze.

4. Oil of Olay Moisturizer hurts to put on when it is 52 degrees

5.This is not an add for Oil of Olay

6. Never put your clothes on in the bedroom unless you have warmed them first.

7. Your water always stays nice and cool. 

8. It is still not cold enough for spiders to die.
81/2. #8 is really important.

9. Make sure you're fully dressed before you freak out about spiders that are still alive in the cold bedroom.

10. Your cold feet on your husband in the said cold room is not any indication of anything except that you have cold feet. 

11. When you turn the heat up to clean because you hate to clean anyway and having it cold doesn't help, remember to turn the heat back down or the night will be very warm.

 I like my cold bedroom.

I like how the sun warms the room in the afternoon.

This house really was oriented for maximum sun. 

As long as I can look past the dirt on the windows, I am fine.
They are those ceiling to floor windows.
They are hard to miss. . .

Besides the windows are probably pre-ultra violet protection so, the dirt adds a buffer. 

There are some benefits to not cleaning. 

Day # 7 of Thankfulness
I am Thankful for:
Reasons to not clean
My childhood friend whose birthday is today
A friend from college whose birthday is also today
For cold bedrooms
Warm husband
Mountain Views
Open Land
Elijah's friends that just "stop by"
Grace for the moment
Back Porch Swing
Healing walks with a neighbor
Coffee
Friends who drink coffee
A cousin who made me Cuban coffee and all else pales in comparison
A beautiful fall
More sunny days than dark, this fall

The lessons I am learning in waiting
The large age differences in our children
A cousin and her daughter coming to visit this weekend
Cards, letter, words of encouragement from this community, some from folks I have yet to meet
God's word as I cling to it moment by moment
My Lord and Savior who goes before me, and sees the plan that I can not

The more we surrender the more God is able to fill our weary souls.
This journey is not about me.
It is all about Him.

"Out of Chaos life is being found in you. . ."

The drumming in this song is a beautiful thing. . .

 miss you Elijah,

Oh, how I miss you.

3 Months of Not My Will, But Thine

It's been 3 months. 

3 months of not my will but thine. 

The seasons have turned.

Time . . .has marched on.

"We will mark time now with the date. 

Not a day of the week. 

Though Saturday evenings into the wee hours of Sunday

will forever be etched in my soul."

I do not like this journey any better after 3 months. 

It does not feel comfortable. 

It is abrasive and unsettling.

Isiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I long to make sense.

I fight against the normal.
I long to shed this skin of this trial. 

I want things to change.

I long to go back 3 months. . . and a day. 

I still can't believe it.

 Most of that time I have been in a fog.

Life moving on, while I am suspended in some sort of in between. 

I miss my son. 

I miss his lopsided smile.

I long to hear his voice.

I long to yell at him for playing x-box when he should be studying.
I long to be making plans to see him graduate from boot camp.
I yearn for that which I can not have.

I long to feel peace in life I once had.

There was a future.

Hopes and dreams.

But this rawness.
It leads me ever closer to God.
I want to be faithful.
But it is hard.
How do you resign yourself to a God, that allowed your son to die?
How do you praise and seek his will, when his will takes your son?
I want to scream.
It is NOT fair.
And it is hard.

Yet, He is a good God.
He is good because of who He is, not because of what He does.
This earth.
This is NOT our home.
This is NOT where we belong.

And Elijah is home.
While I do not like it;
while my heart yearns for things to be different.
It's not.
This is my path.
This IS the road God has chosen for me to walk.
And as I stay close to Him.
As I lean into His will, He reminds me to be:

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

He is Faithful God Forever.

And it is on that solid rock I will stand. 

Even when I don't feel like it. 

Even when 3 months feels like forever.