Friday, October 11, 2013

A Walk Through The Years

They ask if we can go out to lunch.
I am not ready for that yet.
They come to the house.
These Teachers are not ones I have taught with.
They are the teachers of my children.
Relationships forged through years of conferences, class shows and a love of children.
They come today to spend some time with this grieving mom. 

One brings pictures.

They make my heart sing. 
The memories of time gone by

They share of their adventures post teaching.
It is good to spend time together.

A friend of Elijah's sends a note.
I am encouraged.
I drive by the telephone pole, it seems, endless times today.

The dull ache will not subside.
I drive to the grave.
The fog has descended again.

I try not to be anxious about this meeting with the Oncologist.

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

But I really don't want to go down this road.
It's been 9 months since mom died.
8 years of protocols with toxic cocktails that somehow heal,
 CT scans and clinical trials, PET scans and MRI's.
Waiting, always, waiting.
 I haven't taken a breath from that yet.
 I still dream Dana Farber and Brigham and Woman's.
I long for my mom. . .I long for my son.
I miss who my dad was. . .
None of which I can have.
Now, my husband too?
And so once again,
I lay it all down.
I hand it over to the One who knows the future.
Who will never leave my side.
I am not strong.
I am not brave.
I can not do this. . . alone.

Hebrews 4:14-16
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,
Jesus the Son of God,
 let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, 
just as we are—yet he did not sin. 
 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, 
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I walk again. Another neighbor joins us.
Somehow walking so far doesn't seem so hard when you're with friends
.Even though I am tired and weary, the journey doesn't seem so hard with  the support we have.
I come home from the walk and another saint has prepared dinner.
I will continue to look to the only source for our strength.
Would you pray for us at 1:30?
Honestly, you can pray for us all the time if you think of it.

Our hands are wide open.
If you can take this cup from us LORD. . .
yet, thy will be done.

Luke 22:42
Father, if you are willing,
 take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

May you all see redemption rise;
 know that the struggle will end. . .
And that a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. . .


  1. Amen amen.. in prayer. On our knees to the Father of All. HE IS FAITHFUL

    1. Thank you. I am feeling more peaceful. . .

  2. 1:30 today and every second of every day.

    1. Thank you so much. . .I do feel the prayers. There are times that I just feel this sense of peace come over. . .

  3. Replies
    1. Clinging to that. BTW I think I have a plan for tomorrow. . .

  4. I read your blog, ache for your loss, and I pray each and every day for you and your sweet family...

    1. Thank you. It's so hard sometimes. Trying to stay positive and faithful. We appreciate the prayers so much. . .

  5. praying as we homeschool - have lots of time to just go before the Father and ask for his mercies for you and your family. Praying for HIS strength, comfort and most of all healing for your "Farmer".

  6. Lifting you up. All day long.


    1. Thank you Amy for the reminder. . . I will not be shaken. . .

  7. There are a bunch of us who were and are praying down here in MA!