Wednesday, October 23, 2013

With Whom do I Wrestle?

My heart is wounded.
I am tired. 
This path is wrought with grief and pain.
The only way out is through. 

One needs to wrestle through the memories.
Through the future that will never be;
snatched away.

I've been robbed. 
Robbed of graduation from Marine Corps Boot Camp, 
robbed of the future of our son. 
And it hurts.
I can't change it. 
No matter the longing, it will never be. 

Yet my wounded heart is held in the palm 
of the hand of the One who created us. 
And as I wrestle each day with the reality of never hearing 
Elijah's voice again, never watching where his future leads. 
I am never, for a moment, outside the grasp of God. 
Psalm 139:10
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

I wrestle with the events of the accident. 
Oh how a mama's heart hurts to think about her boy. 

Could God have stopped it?
Did He allow it?
Why me? 
I already have given my heart to Him. 
He didn't need to get my attention. 
He has had it for years.
What was the purpose in this agony?  

These things I will never know this side of eternity.  

I give thanks again for a community that is unrelenting in their love for us. 
For friends that show up when I am a tearful mess. 
For a cousin that listens.
For a friend that sheds tears with me as I pour out my heart to her. 
For God's Word. 
It is comforting.
It is honest.
And it is Truth for a hurting soul.

I can't sort this out. 
I can't make it make sense. 
I don't know who to wrestle with. 

The God of the universe called Elijah home. 
And all the pleading and praying is not going to change it. 

I want to know where to go from here. 
I want to see how to live. 

For now, that looks like one step in front of the other. 
Breathing in and out. 
Eyes lifted to the sky.
Hands open in surrender. 
It is thanking for the 17 years we did have.
For first steps, birthdays, learning to ride a bike, snuggles and reading, laughter and discussions. 
Graduation and dreams.
Hugs and a kiss before he left. 
All gifts given. 

We are awaiting the call from Chelsea sharing new life. 
That her precious Lilah has arrived. 

And that is hope. 

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and
 assurance about what we do not see.

We step out in hope. It is uncharted waters.
It is unknown.
It is a battle to strive to seek. 
But God will walk with us every step of the way. 
Even when we don't feel it.
Mostly when we don't feel it. 
He is there. 
And He is good. 
And He will restore our joy.
He will lead us through this Valley of the shadow of death. 

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