Tuesday, October 15, 2013


The girls leave and strangely, I find myself alone. 
This does not happen very often. 
I expect to feel overwhelmed and sad.
Yet surprisingly I feel fine.
This might be due to the fact that we have a financial appointment in 2 hours
and I have not gathered any of the information required.
So, I begin the sprint to find obscure pieces of paper that I know
I have seen in the past few months. . .but not quite sure where.

I soon realize that I have lost much over the past few months
but not my ability to be easily distracted. 
I head to the timer.

I usually set it for 15 mintues.
 But given my state of mind, I try for 5.
This works for a bit.
I get the dishwasher stacked before I notice the dryer has finished.
I switch the laundry and look for a few pieces of the missing paperwork. . .and the timer goes off.
 I have successfully not stayed on task for 5 minutes.
 I head back to the kitchen. 
Set the timer again. 
And get to work. 
I repeat this process until I have gathered all the paperwork and accomplished nothing in the kitchen and we are now late to leave for the appointment.
It is good that my farmer possesses the same skills in tardiness that I do.

We head to the appointment. 
It is raining.
We don't talk much. 
I made this appointment because things haven't been that great on the farm and the thought of cancer and being left to mother the 4 left in the home and take care of the farm seems daunting. 
So, I make the appointment with a financial advisor. 
I think my farmer is not that thrilled about the idea. 
I probably would feel the same way. 
But here we are, on our way, late. 

The meeting goes well.
We have assignments.
And I like that. 
We get home and my farmer dashes off to the barn. 
There is a milking machine to fix before milking can start.
There is a new circulator pump to put in downstairs before he can light the wood fired boiler.

I think I have mentioned a few too many times how chilly I might be in the mornings.
And  in the afternoons I have to go outside to get warm, because it's too cold in the house. 
Maybe I mentioned it a few times. . .
So, tonight, I will have heat.
And when I wake in the morning, maybe I will be a little more eager to get out of bed.

So, I have tried to write a whole post without mentioning Elijah.
But I can't.
Because I think about him all day.
Everywhere I turn there are memories of him.
And every breath I take hurts.
 I still don't know what this life is supposed to look like without him.
I gaze at his pictures. . .
I reach to touch.
How I long for just another moment.
During the summer, as I prepared for him to leave for boot camp and military life,
I began keeping a journal of bible verses to write to him; to encourage him while he was gone.
Now, they encourage me. . .
Here are a few.

2 Samuel 22:33
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

Psalm 119:105 
Your Word is a lamp to my feet. 
Psalm 121
I life my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, 
The maker of Heaven and Earth.

And in my darkest hour, Elijah,  I tell myself. . .I'll see you again. . .
Miss you with all my heart.


  1. Wow. you are on our minds. will stop again to say hey.. the timer! thew meeting! so much power in this post
    how you are facing *the hardest things* so very openly... the Lord is arming you so well, clothing you in His armour,
    you are a mighty soldier Tammy
    ....a mighty Fortress is our Lord


  2. Thank you Ama. We are soldiers. . .warriors. . .armed with the word of God. . .Armed with truth and light and love. . .