Great is Thy Faithfulness, Even when Trusting is Hard

Great is Thy Faithfulness.

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

We are to be still. 

Even when our hearts are breaking.

Even when Saturday nights leave me undone. 

Re-living each moment. 

Not wanting the other kids to be out. 

I am stepping into fear.

And forgetting to trust.

139:13

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

He knows us. 

He created us. 

I look at the picture and there is a space. 

It catches me by surprise. 

Oh, how do we do this life and death dance?

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

all the days ordained for me were written in your 

book before one of them came to be.

I remind myself He has numbered our days. 

I quote Isaiah 41:10

over and over. 

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I hold new life.

I think of Elijah.

Our God is faithful. 

I may not like his plan. 

I may never understand. 

But He is Faithful. 

And so I once again, lay down my burden. 

I turn.

I rest in the One who holds the future. 

Be still my aching heart.
Let your spirit wash over me.
Your grace is enough.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

The Juxtaposition of Life And Death, Welcome Lilah Rose

It is the middle of the day.

I am at the grocery store doing a full shopping for the first time.

My phone rings.

It is Adam.

It is 12:43 p.m.

I feel warm and peaceful inside.

The first time in almost 3 months.

There is new life on the way. 

They are at the hospital.

He will call when he knows more. 

Before I move on from the place I am, I receive another message from him. 

She is 9 cm dilated. 

It will not be long. 

That girl has done all the hard work before she got to the hospital. 

She had gone to work. And come home not feeling well. 

They head to the hospital. 

And Miss Lilah Rose was born 3 hours later.

Chelsea.

Born of farming blood. 

Women who work hard.

Sacrifice much. 

Speak little. 

So foreign to my loud and whiny history. 

This has always intrigued me. 

These quiet strong men and women. 

And we head to Maine. 

We pack up and leave just like that. 

We don't question or think twice.

Grace fills the farm with folks who nod yes to extra chores.

Because they too know that time is precious. 

Because we have learned how fragile life is. 

We don't waste a moment. 

And by 8:00 p.m. we are holding new life. 

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Surprisingly memories of my births do not rush forward.

Instead I wonder in awe at the child/woman I have to helped nurture and her husband.

I am over come by the beauty of that love and the grace of new life. 

The pains that she went through to bring life. 

New life.

Abundant life. 

Grace.

Given at a price. 

I hold that sweet Lilah. I breathe in deep.

 Deep into my hurting soul. 

Deep into the places that are tender, with searing pain. 

 I look as our family picture has forever been altered. 

But as God takes; He also gives.

I watch as each of our earthly children hold their new niece. 

They all love babies. 

Every one.

None afraid to hold. 

All with wonder and awe. 

Seeking out tiny fingers, noticing opening eyes, cooing words of love to this new life. 

And I give thanks for this. 

For you are good Lord, so good. 

Job1:21

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, 

and naked shall I return thither: 

the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

You are good and your Mercy is forever. 

Even when we have lost, even when we hurt, 

even when we want to turn because this pain is too hard to bear. 

You are still so good. 

There is Great Grace, And There is Still Beauty

My kids found these teenagers a few years ago on youtube. 

They love listening to their harmonies. 

As a child my family would sing this hymn,gathered around the

 piano, with my Grandmother or Uncle playing the piano like there was no tomorrow. 

Oh how they would sing and harmonize. 

My cousins family sings like that.

 It's a beautiful thing. 

Those are years of memories forever etched into my being.

This song became near and dear to us as mom began her journey with cancer;

as she stepped ever heavenward. 

Oh how she would sing this song with certainty that,

 "Because I know He Holds the Future. . .And life is worth the living (even when you have cancer) Just Because He Lives."

He lived and died to buy my pardon. . .

 Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

 because He lives, all fear is gone. 

I can face tomorrow.

There are days that I don't want to. 

This journey is agonizing.

It is not right. 

And nothing in my being wants to make it right. 

But Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. 

And I know for Elijah, As death gave way to Victory,

He stood and saw those lights of Glory. 

God's handiwork has been so evident in the landscape and in the heavens lately.

I do not want to miss these gifts of beauty. 

Because even though there is unbearable pain;

there is still beauty. 

Psalm 8:3-5

When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

w

hich you have set in place,

 

what is mankind that you are mindful of them,

    human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels

    and crowned them with glory and honor.

And as the colorful display gives way to stark barrenness.

There is still beauty. 

It is hidden.

It will take a change of seasons.

But it is there. 

I walk again with a friend.

It's been a week. 

This walking helps. 

It distracts.

It gives focus.

I am grateful. 

So many instances of grace. 

And when I ponder that grace;

grace given at the expense of His Son.

I can barely breathe.

And there is still beauty.

Even in this mess. 

We continue to work this farm.

We continue to give Praise to God for his gift of grace.

We await our first grandchild. 

We await Gary's surgery.

We mourn the loss of our son.

And there is great beauty.

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the LORD your God

 who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,

 Do not fear; I will help you.

There is great grace. . .

With Whom do I Wrestle?

My heart is wounded.

I am tired. 

This path is wrought with grief and pain.

The only way out is through. 

One needs to wrestle through the memories.

Through the future that will never be;

snatched away.

I've been robbed. 

Robbed of graduation from Marine Corps Boot Camp, 

robbed of the future of our son. 

And it hurts.

I can't change it. 

No matter the longing, it will never be. 

Yet my wounded heart is held in the palm 

of the hand of the One who created us. 

And as I wrestle each day with the reality of never hearing 

Elijah's voice again, never watching where his future leads. 

I am never, for a moment, outside the grasp of God. 

Psalm 139:10

even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

I wrestle with the events of the accident. 

Oh how a mama's heart hurts to think about her boy. 

Could God have stopped it?

Did He allow it?

Why me? 

I already have given my heart to Him. 

He didn't need to get my attention. 

He has had it for years.

What was the purpose in this agony?  

These things I will never know this side of eternity.  

I give thanks again for a community that is unrelenting in their love for us. 

For friends that show up when I am a tearful mess. 

For a cousin that listens.

For a friend that sheds tears with me as I pour out my heart to her. 

For God's Word. 

It is comforting.

It is honest.

And it is Truth for a hurting soul.

I can't sort this out. 

I can't make it make sense. 

I don't know who to wrestle with. 

The God of the universe called Elijah home. 

And all the pleading and praying is not going to change it. 

I want to know where to go from here. 

I want to see how to live. 

For now, that looks like one step in front of the other. 

Breathing in and out. 

Eyes lifted to the sky.

Hands open in surrender. 

It is thanking for the 17 years we did have.

For first steps, birthdays, learning to ride a bike, snuggles and reading, laughter and discussions. 

Graduation and dreams.

Hugs and a kiss before he left. 

All gifts given. 

We are awaiting the call from Chelsea sharing new life. 

That her precious Lilah has arrived. 

And that is hope. 

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and

 assurance about what we do not see.

We step out in hope. It is uncharted waters.

It is unknown.

It is a battle to strive to seek. 

But God will walk with us every step of the way. 

Even when we don't feel it.

Mostly when we don't feel it. 

He is there. 

And He is good. 

And He will restore our joy.

He will lead us through this Valley of the shadow of death. 

There is A Season

One of Gary's Uncles drops off an article he has had since 1974.

It is an article about Gary and the farm. 

I sit and read this old news. 

Gary is 18.

The age our son never saw. 

Funny how pieces of the past draw you in. 

Popovers and Oatmeal for breakfast this morning.

Elijah did not like popovers. 

I can't remember how he felt about oatmeal. 

I always had to ask the kids to remind me what they liked. 

I walk out of the bedroom.

It is warm.

We have heat in the house.

Such little things.

Yet so important.

I listen to the messages on the phone. 

I decide to listen to the saved messages. 

The first, is mom.

I sigh when I hear her voice. 

She was just checking in. 

Now, she resides with the King of Kings. 

The next is the message from the State Trooper's dispatch asking us to go to the door. 

There was a State Trooper waiting to talk with us the night of the accident. 

The power had gone out so the phone never rang. 

These 2 messages side by side. Representing time gone by. 

The past.

I am not sure what the future holds.

 Sometimes I do not want to know.

 I am not sure I can take anymore. 

Yet, I do not want to miss the path God has prepared for me. 

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I do not want to miss the grandchild soon to arrive. 

So, while my heart is heavy.

I turn. . . 

Psalm 119:59

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.

I turn the oven on and make popovers.

I turn the stove on and cook oatmeal.

I turn the pages of my bible to seek the only counsel my heart needs to hear. 

I turn the volume up on my phone to make sure I hear a phone call if Lilah is starting her journey. 

Ecclesiastes 3 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 A time to be born, and a time to die. . .A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

 a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

What ever season you may be in, may you turn to the comfort of the word.

May you turn, to the arms that will never let you go.