Can You Stop And Turn? Do You Have What It Takes?

It's the 28th. 

 Sunday. 

14 months.

Months, days, weeks, moments of missing. 

Days of seeking who God is; who am I in Him. 

I wake again today to the fight to get up. 

My soul is heavy. 

I cry out to Jesus. 

I just want to burrow in. 

Sleep some more. 

My heart;

Needs to change

There was a double sleep over last night. 

Church to attend, a rehearsal for a performance. 

And it leaves me with tears pooling and a heart constricting. 

There is no milk.

The keys to the van are missing. 

The other car is not working right. 

I need to make breakfast.

We have places to be. 

And all I want to do is be quiet. 

Run. Hide. 

I had planned a fun day to be away from the farm. 

To be together with family and friends. 

It seems to be unraveling. 

And my response is tense and harsh. 

The hot, churning within. 

These are the moments when we need to seek the holy. 

Not when we're all dressed and looking pretty. 

Now; in the dirt and grim; in the hot and churning. 

With tears pooling and words spewing. 

It is in these moments when we remove our gaze from the circumstances. 

We're so entrenched in the war we can not see the victory beyond. 

Even in the turmoil and grit, we can seek the holy. 

It's when we should seek. 

A walk with Christ is not when you're perfect and without sin; when all is going well. 

It's for the sinners and the downcast. 

For the lost and seeking. 

The broken and hurting. 

We are a people in need. 

When I was a little girl I loved to read. 

I would easily get lost in a book. 

I wouldn't hear my mother's call. 

The world around me faded. 

The characters; real.

The adventures; mine

In my closet I created a space with a pillow and a blanket. 

A flashlight. A journal and a pen (just in case I needed to write)

There I would sit for hours reading by flashlight. 

Undisturbed.

Content. 

Today I long for that quiet space; with pillows all around. 

The safety and holy.

The world is tipped on edge for me. 

And if I am not careful I will tip too. 

The chaos will not go away. 

Life begats life. 

And there is still much life. 

I turn to meet this attack boldly. 

I will face the chaos head on. 

I will look the pain in the eye. 

These circumstances will not change. 

But my response can. 

This is the work it takes. 

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

We need to consciously turn toward what God has for us. 

Websters definition ~

  turn-to cause (something or a side of something) to face an opposite or different direction

Psalm 119:57-64

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes. 

I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands. 

Make an about face today. 

Take the time to turn. 

The breathtaking landscape around us is turning. 

It is shedding the old for the new; hope in Spring. 

We too can shed all that holds us. 

All that brings us down. 

Repent. 

Lay it all at the foot of the cross. 

And turn toward new life, new hope. 

In Christ. 

The struggle will end. 

It may not be this side of eternity. 

But we can meet the holy here. 

We can be filled and strengthened for the work that still needs to be done. 

We just need to turn. 

10th Avenue North. 

 Worn

The Least of These My Brethren

He sits at my table. 

I feed him.

Physical nourishment. 

We feed him the Word. 

He; the downcast. 

Broken.

Struggling with mental illness. 

Trying to find his way in this world. 

He sits at my table. 

I fight the thoughts that permeate my mind. 

My son. 

Buried deep beneath the earth. 

Not at my table; while this one lives. 

Why? 

My son; a hard worker.

So young. 

A lover of God. 

Gone. 

And here. 

At my table the least of these. 

Matthew 25:40

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you,

 whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine,

 you did for me.'

I feed him. 

I pray in my heart for the demons that fill him to be gone. 

To receive the medical help he needs. 

This young man.

Each day a struggle. 

The least of these my brethren. 

I bow to the Holy. 

These days belong to the Lord. 

His will above mine. 

His ways. 

Isaiah 55:9

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I relinquish my heartache and pain. 

I can not carry it. 

The longing too great. 

The pain crushing. 

I step into the work for today. 

Life on life. 

The gospel.

Life changing. 

Hope. 

Be Anxious For Nothing

Be anxious for nothing. 

Only when I have prayed hard?

No need to be anxious.

When I have saved enough money in my retirement?

No need to be anxious. 
When I have anticipated every problem and am assured that I have done every thing to thwart an issue.
Then I do not need to be anxious. 

When do we not be anxious? 

What about the time when you haven't prayed?
That item left off the list. 

When something isn't planned all the way through. 

Is that the time to be anxious? 

Be anxious for nothing. 
My son walks out the door.
He kisses me.
He says he loves me.
I cringe. 
I've heard those words before.
I don't want him to leave.
He's heading to race.
In Derby.
Without me.
We've had conflict.
Be anxious for nothing.
I don't want him to go.
We haven't prayed.

Be anxious for nothing. 
What does that mean?
How do I live as one who has been ransomed?
One that is wrapped in rich love.
When we reach deep and look to eternity the view changes.
When all of our being longs and groans for that which is to come; strength prevails.
I can not change the circumstances of my life.
Yet, I can surrender all.
To the One who knows.
Who loves us with an undying love.
He's there.
He will fill us.
He understands the hurt, the heartache, the joy.
There's more to the verse. 

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Be in prayer. Set your requests and hearts cry before the throne of grace.
And wait for the peace.
The troubles will remain.
The circumstances unchanged.
Yet peace will prevail.
God is working.
He will never leave or forsake us.
Even in the deep anguish.
In death. In cancer.
He will remain.

Be anxious for nothing.
Not just when you have prayed the right prayers.
Walked the high road.
Be anxious for nothing.
When you haven't done those things.
Be anxious for nothing.

Is There Ever The Right Time?

I brush the dirt away. 

Dirt from the farm of his years. 

Splattered on the stone from rain, while it sat on the patio. 

While we waited for the right time. 

Is there ever the right time? 

Is there ever the desire to place a stone at your son's grave? 

There isn't. 

This stone. 

Another gift given by the community. 

Etched in love by a teammate apprenticing with a Master. 

A teammate that knows the loss of a brother. 

Another life taken so soon. 

The analogy is not missed. 

We are here on this earth; apprenticing with the Master. 

We each have work to complete. 

Lives to change. 

Impacts to be made. 

The Ancient Word our guide.

Prayer our compass. 

Stepping forward in faith; our work. 

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 

giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Each day given to bring forth His kingdom. 

Being molded and shaped. 

The command given. 

Go.

Whatever you do. 

Go. . .and make disciples of all nations. . . 

God didn't mention when you have time. 

If it's the right time. 

Go. 

Wherever you are.

Even if it's hard. 

And we did. 

We placed the stone. 

A marker. 

A memorial to our son. 

To the memory. 

To his short life here. 

A life guided by the Almighty's Hand.

We prayed that his life here will continue to impact those around us. 

I still don't like it. 

This plan is uncomfortable and abrasive. 

So we will press on through. 

We will look up, look forward. 

We will, Go; wherever we are, and make disciples. 

Living out our faith. 

Walking the Talk. 

Sharing the love of Jesus. 

A life changed. 

Hope. 

Go.

When The Day Begins

Will the overwhelming feeling ever leave? 

Each morning before I wake. 

It is there. 

I fight for each thought. 

It is those moments I surrender. 

I breathe deep. 

Fear not for I am with you. 

We will make it through this day together. 

My God and I. 

He will give me the strength. 

He will give me eyes to see beyond the pain. 

He alone will guide my steps. 

The ache and pain. 

I hand over to Him. 

He will bring good from this mess I see. 

He is the source for my hope and strength. 

He is the calm in the storm. 

The shelter when I am weak. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

The sun peaks over the mountain. 

The day is beginning. 

Signs of Spring are beginning to show. 

The farm is a glow of green transformation. 

Each shade a staggering glory. 

I will be present in this moment. 

I will choose to see the beauty. 

His mercies are new every morning. 

I will rest. 

Be still. 

I will only boast in Christ.

My hope remains steadfast. 

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

Sometimes, What We're Given, Is Not What We Want. Can You Relate?

He cracks a joke. His eyes twinkle. 

He doesn't smile.
 He doesn't have to; his eyes always have.

He participates in a discussion. 

He prays. 

My farmer is feeling better. 
A weight beginning to lift. 

Even for a moment.
His walk with the Joy Thief long.
He has continued to climb those walls; doing the hard work. 

Nothing will ever be the same. 

But having a piece of him back is exhilarating.
I miss his handlebar mustache. A different thief at work.
Radiation and Chemo stealing unknown fragments along the way. 

Sometimes we don't know what we're missing until it's gone. 

These have been days of learning to appreciate all I have.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

What I have, may not be what I want.
The lessons of life learned through the trials.
Each day a journey to the heart of God.
Seeking how to live when the searing pain a constant companion.
Even the darkest days God showed his immeasurable strength.
He seeks communion with his people.
He longs for our company.
We're still on a road that is challenging.
It is not a path I have chosen.
It is the one placed before me.
My heart yields to the lessons God wishes to impart.
It is His will I seek.
Learning to walk in His ways is my greatest desire.
He is giving us peace and strength for the way, one moment at a time.

We all have a road to walk.
The stories you all share have been such an encouragement along the way.

What has your journey been?
Do you long to tell your story.
We tell our story, which ultimately tells His.
We have had so many praying for us.
Won't you let me pray for you?

I Am Not Sure I Want A Clean Slate

The new year came.  

2014 came with a tick of a moment.
A beat.

Much like the moment; the beat, that stopped the night our son was killed. 

2014 a new beginning, a clean slate; 

                                                  one I don't want so clean.
                                    I don't want to chose a word, or make resolutions. 
                             The thought of a whole year with out our son is daunting. 
                                  I really only have grace for the day; for moments.
              Especially when life has thrown you a curve ball and your heart is breaking.

                                              A clean slate might be a good thing.

 I don't want to be the one to do the writing.
I am tired and battle weary.

 I gave that right up long ago.

He, who called us by name; He, longs to write my story.
He that brought me to life.
The same He who called my son home, who is allowing this cancer and financial struggle.
The same.
And though I do not understand. . .at all.
I trust.
I lay that slate before him.

Everyone has a story. 

Each person. 

 I want to hear those stories.
I want to be aware. 

I want to yell a little less and listen a little more. 

I want to take this messy, dirty life and let God write a beautiful story. 

So, here is my slate.

And before I can even post this,
 2013 continued to rear it's ugly head and dished a final blow.

Lord we need you. Write your word on our hearts.
Fill us with your love for this weary, weary journey.

3 Months of Not My Will, But Thine

It's been 3 months. 

3 months of not my will but thine. 

The seasons have turned.

Time . . .has marched on.

"We will mark time now with the date. 

Not a day of the week. 

Though Saturday evenings into the wee hours of Sunday

will forever be etched in my soul."

I do not like this journey any better after 3 months. 

It does not feel comfortable. 

It is abrasive and unsettling.

Isiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I long to make sense.

I fight against the normal.
I long to shed this skin of this trial. 

I want things to change.

I long to go back 3 months. . . and a day. 

I still can't believe it.

 Most of that time I have been in a fog.

Life moving on, while I am suspended in some sort of in between. 

I miss my son. 

I miss his lopsided smile.

I long to hear his voice.

I long to yell at him for playing x-box when he should be studying.
I long to be making plans to see him graduate from boot camp.
I yearn for that which I can not have.

I long to feel peace in life I once had.

There was a future.

Hopes and dreams.

But this rawness.
It leads me ever closer to God.
I want to be faithful.
But it is hard.
How do you resign yourself to a God, that allowed your son to die?
How do you praise and seek his will, when his will takes your son?
I want to scream.
It is NOT fair.
And it is hard.

Yet, He is a good God.
He is good because of who He is, not because of what He does.
This earth.
This is NOT our home.
This is NOT where we belong.

And Elijah is home.
While I do not like it;
while my heart yearns for things to be different.
It's not.
This is my path.
This IS the road God has chosen for me to walk.
And as I stay close to Him.
As I lean into His will, He reminds me to be:

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

He is Faithful God Forever.

And it is on that solid rock I will stand. 

Even when I don't feel like it. 

Even when 3 months feels like forever.