It Is Well With Me. . . .Because Of Him

It's been a year. 

A year since we were outside harvesting the sunshine for winter. 

Working together. 

Spurred on by the holy spirit I went to the barn. 

2  kids off at camp.

The other 2, with friends. 

So I went to the barn. 

To be with my son and my farmer. 

I wrapped bales. 

I slowed the process. 

I wrote on bales.

Messages for the dark of winter.

I wrote on one bale in particular;

which we found months later.
When the battle of cancer versus chemo and radiation was waging. 

I didn't know, how precious this would become, that sunny day we baled. 

Grateful for a day of sunshine. 

My heart was full. 

I rejoiced. 

I prayed over and over those bales.
I wrote prayers of gratitude.

Begging God to reap a harvest where there seemed to be none. 

Little did I know how my world was about to shatter.

In a little over 48 hours I would never spend another moment with this beautiful red head. 

I am so glad I spent this day with him. 

We laughed. 

I wrote on those bales for all to see.
I thought when he was gone to boot camp there would be a great memory. 

I Love You Elijah!
He knew. 

And now he knows in full. 

He understands a mothers love even better than I do. 

The questions he wrestled with are answered. 

Oh, but how I long for this boy. 

Memories swirl in my head. 

I wonder how I can live another day without my son. 

And yet another day passes.
I am renewed. 
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint.

I am here. 

Breathing in and out.
Placing one foot in front of the other.
Seeking strength. 
Resting. 
Being filled.
Finding joy through this storm.
Yielding my spirit to the Giver of Life.
He is my strength, my life, my hope.

It is well with me. . . because of Him.

10 Months Of A Road I Never Thought I Could Walk

The days move along. 

Time has no respect for the heart. 

Maybe it was designed that way. 

The beat steady. 

Unwavering. 

10 months of a cadence that is unfamiliar. 

A longing each day for what can not be. 

 Reaching deep for strength. 

The earth a glow with spring color. 

Matchless in it's wonder. 

A palette stretched with colors unimaginable. 

The magnitude of loss so great; it mars the beauty. 

So I work. 

I step to see. 

Breathe. 

Listen. 

10 months. 

I remember when you were 10 months. 

Ready to walk. 

Red hair; thick. 

But it's your hands I remember most. 

I would sit night after night and hold them. 

Memorize them. 

I wonder if my spirit knew. . . 

They were big and chubby at that time. 

And I would dream of all you would become. 

Would your hands be gentle like your daddy's?

Full of love and years of work. 

Would they make music?

Nights of wondering. 

Now the nights have ended. 

The wondering over. 

You are in the presence of the Holy and Mighty. 

Your music sweet and hands that have touched the glory of the Most High. 

Each day dawns. 

Time pressing onward. 

Reminders all around. 

Seeking the only solace that will comfort. 

Won't you step out today?

No matter the heartache, joy or situation.

Gaze at the wonder around. 

Step into praise. 

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

Serve the Lord with gladness!

Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the Lord, he is God!

It is he who made us, and we are his;[a]

 we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

    and his courts with praise!

    Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good;

    his steadfast love endures forever,

    and his faithfulness to all generations.

Monday Musings: How To Really Get Your Heart's Desire

As the deer panteth for the water.

We sing it in church. The Youth are leading Worship. 

My soul longeth after you. 

I sigh as we start to sing. It's one of those over sung praise songs. 

And I think it's lost it's meaning; until we sing this next line. 

You alone are my heart's desire

And I wonder, is He alone my heart's desire? Is He all I really want? 

I know the answer to the question. I keep on singing. 

And I long to worship thee.

You alone are my strength my shield

To you alone may my spirit yield. 

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship thee

He's not all I want. I know it.  I am too distracted. I want my son back. I long for Gary to be healed and not be going through this cancer and now depression.  God is not my only desire. I shove wanting a clean house, pinterest and other things first. 

I love you more than any other

So much more than anything. 

Do I love him more than Elijah? More than my children? More than Gary? 

I am supposed to. God first; in everything. It's the lesson God taught me after I miscarried; before Elijah. He is all I need. 

I want you more than Gold or Silver

Only You can satisfy. 

These are things I know. Only God can satisfy. He is all we need. He is all we should want. Our only desire. You can spend your whole life looking. You can try to make more money. Have more kids. Buy a new house; a different car. Lose weight. Get a better job.

 Nothing. 

Not one thing will bring you the peace that you will find in Christ.

Nothing.

 I dare you to try it.

 I dare you to find something that will bring you a lifetime of peace, 

other than the LORD. 

When your only desire is God; everything else falls into place. It doesn't make it perfect. It doesn't take away all the pain. The funny thing is, when we put Him first, He becomes our only desire. He becomes all we need. Things begin to change. All His desires, become our desires. 

God can accomplish His will. 

I want Him to be my heart's desire. My first focus. 

We continue to sing. 

You alone are the real joy giver

and the apple of my eye.