Learning From Wandering Cows

My farmer brings the cows back to the field. 

They have been wandering. 

Stepping over fences. 

Moving outside their boundaries. 

It's not the first time. 

This group pushes and tests the boundaries. 

Repeatedly. 

My farmer calls to them. 

They know him, and hear his voice. 

He leads them back to safety. 

We are like those frisky heifers. 

We're eager to see what is just beyond. 

To feel there is more; just beyond our reach. 

The boundaries; set to protect us. 

Protect us from things we do not even know or understand. 

Lines erased, justified, compromised. 

As small children, parameters are placed for our protection. 

Stern commands to set the boundaries. 

Still. 

Immediate desire to go against the flow. 

Break the rules. 

Stretch the limits. 

Until. 

That gentle Shepherd finds us. 

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

He gently leads us home. 

Today is Elijah's 20th birthday. 

He has spent 3 birthday's in heaven. 

Some days I want life to stop. 

To not move on. 

I step over those boundaries. 

I attempt to take a path that is outside the way. 

Lovingly and gently my Shepherd brings me back. 

My eyes just need to remain focused. 

I need to hear his voice. 

Spend time with Him so I can recognize His call. 

If you're wandering and feel lost. 

Take time to get to know the One who can lead you home. 

Elijah's greatest gift to me will always be his walk with the Lord. 

He was not perfect; by any means. 

Yet he left this legacy. 

This was no accident or coincidence. 

Thank you my boy. 

For the gift. 

My heart aches with the missing. 

Yet I am confident I will see you again. 

Happy 20th sweetheart. 

His Song Is Different Now

The day is done. 

His birthday over.
There was no cake.
I couldn't.
But one of his friends sent me a picture of one she baked.
This mama's heart swelled with gratitude.
He is remembered. 

We tried to have a bonfire; but like last year, the rains came and the heaven's declared their majesty. 

The beat of the thunder kept cadence with the rain. 

We gathered on the front porch.

We stormed the throne of grace in prayer. 

Thanksgiving for being held. 

Strength for the future. 

Time together. 

I climbed the stairs to say good night to the crew. 

I paused in his doorway. 

I leaned into the frame.
I waited for the tears.
None came.
In some ways it's too hard to think about.
In some ways I need a break from the relentless missing.
Aching.
I need to pick up this room.
I don't want to.
I want to change the course of the events of July 28, 2013.
But I can't.
My sister in law shared with me a nugget I am holding to tightly.
When we play chess.
We see one move at a time.
God sees the whole board. 
He knows all the moves.
Let God make the moves. 

As I sat on my bed I realized we hadn't sung happy birthday.
I started to sing myself.
Alone.
The tears came.
I can't finish the song.
It doesn't seem right.
Happy Birthday is for the living.
For this life.
Here.
His song now, is different.
He sings, Holy, Holy is the lamb that was slain.

Revelation 5:13
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise
 and honor and glory and power, 
for ever and ever!"


Oh, what he sees.
Beauty.
Holiness.
Untold Joy.
So I stop singing.
And for just a moment.
I feel whole.
I stay in that place. 
Praising my Savior. 
Holding on to His Grace.

Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 
Who was, and is, and is to come. 
Praise to the King of Kings. 
You are my everything.