Those Dark Days; They Will Come

The dark of the day rises to meet me. 

The warmth of the previous days a tease. 

My son, my son, my soul cries out. 

I pass the accident site. 

Today. 

I slip. 

The images flash before me. 

Images I never saw. 

Images that played out while I slept. 

My darling red head. 

My first born son. 

Passed from this life while I slept. 

Oh, how I miss him. 

The deep, piercing ache creeps through my veins today. 
The wait for next tests for my farmer. 

I cling to the Ancient promises. 

The truth. 

This road will never be easy. 

Yet I want these times to glorify the One who allowed it to happen. 

Even in my lowest time; when the ache seems strongest, I cling to hope. 

There is always, always hope. 

Not the, "I hope I get a bike for Christmas" hope. 

The hope of the assurance of the grace of the King of Kings. 

He reaches down and comforts those who mourn. 
I remind myself of truth. 
Truth that Elijah is where we all long to be. 
There is a purpose and a plan. 

God will use all these pieces together; 
to bring glory and honor to his name. 
He will be exalted. 
He will be praised. 
I feel the icy hurt and fear begin to melt. 
The deep sense of peace and assurance, once again rises. 

My strength only comes from God on High. 
For me, there is no other way to walk this road. 
I pass the accident site a few more times this day. 
Each time praying fervently for holiness to reign in that spot. 
For memories of good times to come flooding through. 

The college girl is coming home. 
The oldest farm girl is heavy with child. 

Time is marching forward. 

If I don't embrace these moments; those too will be lost forever. 
So I choose, once again to push through these agonizing moments. 
To breathe deeply the hope in Christ. 
With feet planted on the solid rock of my Savior I press on. 
I will wait for the call for our new grandchild 
I will wait in hope for God's directions in our lives. 

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD;
 he is our help and our shield.


And each day I will give Praise and Honor to the one who numbers our days. 

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 
do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Reaching for More

2016.

It's here. 

With marching orders. 

Time. 

Progressing. 

At an ever increasing speed. 

Yet constant. 

Away from all that I know. 

Further. 

Towards the unknown. 

Time. 

I am glad 2015 is over. 

2 dear friends; gone to be with Jesus. 

A nephew. 

A father of 4 and a former colleague. 

Sometimes I can't face the loss. 

It seems that it comes so quickly. 

The weight. 

You feel. 

For others. 

But 2015 also held graduation for our now college girl. 

Visits from dear friends. 

A birthday party, for the double digit girl. 

Held at my friends 

who now calls heaven her home. 

Time with family. 

The news of another farmette.

Moments that I cherish. 

That can be overpowered by the grief. 

A tool used to discouraged. 

So beauty is not seen. 

Time moves forward whether our hearts are ready. 

Some moments I feel strong. 

The living rich and full. 

Always missing. 

Yet still ebbing forward. 

Other moments the defeat is great. 

The ache deep. 

So with eyes I glance heavenward.  

Psalm 121:1-3

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

2My help comes from the LORD,

who made heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber. -ESV

The source of my strength resides in the hands of the One who created me;

with a plan. 

For a purpose.

A beautiful gift. 

2016 is before us. 

Choices to be made. 

Walk each day in grace, seeking truth and direction as He wills; 

Or stay stuck in the muck and mire this world delivers?

It is easy to stay stuck.

 Succumbing to the grief and heaviness. 

To climb and reach high. 

Takes effort. 

Work. 

Putting off all that discourages. 

Taking a step of faith. 

So here I stand. 

With open hands. 

Ready. 

Waiting with expectancy for what will be. 

I am standing on that solid rock. 

Reaching for Truth. 

Believing. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will always walk beside us. 

No matter the struggle. 

May you reach for the grace that is given. 

Freely. 

Lifting My Eyes Heavenward

He creeps in and tries to tell me lies. 

Lies that I am sad. 

That I will always be sad. 

Lies that bring me down. 

That enemy that would love to see us in despair.

My heart sinks deeper and deeper. 

My energy sapped. 

It is in the middle of shredding carrots into the salad that I am struck. 

Struck by the awareness of the heaviness of grief. 

Another that I love dearly, is finishing her race here on this earth. 

The one that shares a birthday with my mom. 

A middle name spelled the same. 

A love of music and books. 

And she lays quiet in her hospital bed in hospice. 

And I touch her. 

She soon will be in the presence of the Almighty. 

And she will also see my son.

She will cross that veil. 

And my heart breaks. 

I want to scream because these losses are close together. 

I watch her family. 

I know the grief. 

The pain. 

The pain of losing a mom. 

And while I make that salad. 

I turn my thoughts to the giver of life.

I open my heart to the King of Kings. 

I will not believe the lies. 

God has numbered our days. 

This is not our home. 

While what we do here is important, it is not all there is. 

There is deep grief and sorrow. 

There is also deep joy and rich hope.

Lifting my eyes heavenward. 

Psalm 91:1

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High 

shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 

He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

So weep not for me my friend

When my time below does end

For my life to Him belongs

Who will raise the dead again.

How to Unsettle The Unsettling

I didn't get the coffee ready before I went to bed. 

I had a hard time falling asleep.

I was waiting for Clarissa to come home. 

And then I was restless. 

I woke to rain; and to a range of negative emotions. 

Searing loss. A laundry list of tasks to complete. 

Unsettled. 

The mundane.

Yet isn't it only mundane if I choose?

The darkness descends. 

The enemy is subtle in his ways. 

He seeks to discourage and confuse. 

To remind us of our weaknesses. 

Our tasks are offerings. 

Gifts. 

When the mundane creeps in we need to fight. 

First a good strong cup of coffee. 

Fight the urge to stay put. 

Move. 

Acts 17:28

For in him we live and move and have our being.' 

As some of your own poets have said, 

'We are his offspring.'

Move towards something. 

I move towards God's word.

To find a place to be in sweet communion with Him. 

The Author of Life. 

The giver of all good gifts. 

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, 

who does not change like shifting shadows.

We fight the enemy with God's weapons. 

We nail discouragement and the mundane to the wall. 

We step into the grace given for the day. 

The hope available. 

I am turning my lips to praise this morning, even though I feel defeated. 

I am moving, though I want to hide. 

My soul is open to the pouring in. 

Being Holy whole. 

Isn't that what we are here for?

Aren't we new creations in Christ. 

Living for him. 

Repenting of our wayward ways. 

Walking into the forgiveness so freely given. 

The darkness begins to lift. 

The farmhouse is coming alive. 

The urgency of the day calls. 

My soul is stepping into peace. 

May your day be full of movement. 

Movement that leads to a richer and deeper relationship with Christ.