Sunday, June 28, 2015

The Icy Fear That Can Grip So Suddenly

Will this ever be easy? 
Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? 
I hold my breath.
I feel tense. 
My spirit unsettled. 
For the axe to drop. 
Anticipating the negative. 
Icy cold fear. 
It creeps in. 
While you're not aware. 
It is there. 
The dawn will come and it will be 23 months 
since my boy walked the face of this earth. 
23 months since I have felt normal,
It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the other. 
Willing myself to move forward.
Trusting in the goodness of God. 
Remembering His promises. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Resting in His word. 
But tonight the icy, cold fear grips tightly. 
There are 2 children out. 
And I fear. 
The darkness real. 
I am powerless. 
Tears well. 
Deep longing and desire to see my son fill my soul. 
Bitterness lies just beneath the surface. 
Tools of the enemy. 
I dig deep. 

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?

My God will supply all our needs. 

Philippians 4:19
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Needs that He knows better than I do. 
Needs that I haven't even thought of. 
He will provide. 
He will supply. 
I just need to trust. 
To let go. 
To surrender. 
And this I find hard to do. 

I Peter 1:6-9
 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

My heart yearns for Elijah. 
I long to be his mom. 
I long for things that are hidden deep in my heart. 
Longings that will never, ever be satisfied this side of heaven. 

The pain is there to stay. 
The deep ache forever there. 
My heart will forever be broken. 
A piece of it always missing. 
But God will fill the ache. 
He will pour His Spirit in until I am over flowing with all that He has. 
He is the God who majors in restoration and regeneration. 

I can not see what God is doing now. 

I may not even be able to understand. 
But I can trust and rest in the promises given so long ago. 
The icy fear has dissipated some. 
As I wait I will practice trust. 
I will hand over each of my worries, each of my fears until I am empty. 
Naming them one by one. 
Because even in death. 
God is there. 
In the emptiness, He can do His greatest work. 
He alone will satisfy. 

Psalm 107:9
for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

As the day dawns and 23 months go by,

 I will place my feet on the ground that will never be shaken. 

My hope is placed with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 
I will melt the icy fear with power and might of a Holy God. 

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
 according to his power that is at work within us,

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