Celebrating my Farmer

He hangs yellow ribbons. 

This farmer of mine. 

He texts the college girl on her way home. 

She's on a bus headed our way. 

"He'll tie a yellow ribbon round the Old Oak Tree."

She needs to look up the lyrics. 

You tube will show her what her parents have neglected. 

We pull into the driveway. 

There are yellow ribbons. 

I wonder at it. 

Had I missed these before I left. 

She gradually unfolds the story. 

I marvel at the gesture. 

Yellow ribbons and a song to welcome his daughter home. 

His quiet ways. 

His gentle and thoughtful manner. 

And I marvel at this man. 

A man I have been married to for 22 years;

still surprises me in so many ways. 

He's turning 60 today. 

His life has held so much. 

Joy and heartache interwoven through the years. 

Somehow he has remained solid as a rock through these winding threads. 

Faithful. 

Steady. 

Full of hope. 

Even when the joy thief crashed through. 

There was hope. 

His faith unrelenting. 

Rising before the sun to milk;

 keeping his phone set to reading through the Ancient Word. 

The milking parlor his sanctuary. 

Prayer lists on the wall. 

Ever before him. 

A reminder; slow and steady. 

Life is not a race. 

I bristle at his pace. 

My harsh, abrupt ways; clashing. 

The world always beckoning me. 

Hurry. 

Fit more in. 

We're going to be late. 

While he waits in the background. 

Quiet and steady. 

The rhythm of the chores a cadence for life. 

Lessons to be learned. 

The way of the farmer. 

Strong. 

Resting. 

Solid. 

Unhurried. 

Nursing and coaxing life into being.  

Rising and falling with the milk prices. 

Taking each pitfall in stride. 

Present in each moment. 

Never wavering. 

He models the Father with each step he takes. 

A pace lost to most these days. 

He stops to tie ribbons for his daughter. 

He indulges a farm niece and helpers with rogue calves. 

His words are few. 

His actions resounding. 

Echoing for generations to come. 

A legacy. 

A faith. 

My farmer. 

Happy Birthday!

Serve, Sacrifice, Surrender

 

 

22 years.

6 children.

 

 

 

1 grandchild.

 

 

1 child in heaven.

 

 

1 nephew just joined them.

3 of our parents there as well.

The one still here dancing with the memory thief.

 

And here we are.

Living in the nest where one has flown the coop.

Where she fluffs her own nest.

Where one has soared to heaven.

Where one attends college.

 

The nest has changed.

 

Is changing.

 

And it's hard.

Some days it's hard to remember there is joy.

Some days it's hard to remember to serve the other.

 

I Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud

 

Love is all these things.

These things I forget.

With the onslaught of the tyranny of the urgent pressing in;

gentleness is often pushed aside.

When emotions become your compass and your eyes turn toward yourself;

love takes a back seat.

 

Words like service, sacrifice and surrender are often over looked.

Yet are foundational to the survival of marriage.

I am digging deep and taking a good look at these words today.

 

22 years ago I promised to sacrifice, serve and surrender.

I am not so sure I am doing a very good job of that lately.

 

I can't say the last few years have been easy.

The struggle to live each day often leaving me exhausted.

But I can say through it all we have been held.

We have chosen the better way.

 

Today is a new day.

A new beginning.

A renewal of the covenant.

A celebration.

 

 

I Corinthians 13:5

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

 

This I will keep in my heart.

This will be my goal.

 

Happy 22 years to my farmer.

There are more seeds to sow.

There is much ground to cover.

I look forward to working together to;

serve, sacrifice and surrender.

 

Don Williams

 

Years from Now

 

 

 





Remembering

We stand at the grave. 

This college friend and I. 

Last together when life didn't hold so many painful pieces.

Back when life was still fresh and young. 

This day we stand at the grave of my oldest son. 

"Tell me about Elijah, " she says. 

My eyes fill with tears. 

It's been months since I have let myself think of him. 

Months since I have paused to remember. 

Because in the remembering the searing ache lies. 

The sharp pain of who he was and will never be. 

The kind and caring, yet hot tempered red head. 

So handsome. 

So bent on being right. 

Blue, blue eyes. 

Perfect teeth from suffering through surgeries and braces. 

Smooth, pink skin. 

My son. 

Not all remembering brings pain. 

God was intent on us remembering. 

He wanted us to remember to not fear; 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Today is a day to remember a covenant made. 

A day our family celebrated and treasured. 

It is our oldest daughters 3rd Anniversary. 

The day she and her husband promised to love and cherish 

until death do they part. 

A commitment they don't take lightly. 

Each working to strive to help and serve the other. 

My farmer and I watch with tenderness as the husband of this stubborn farm girl chooses patience and understanding. 

We watch as this team encourages our precious grand daughter. 

We step into grace as we expect another grandchild in March. 

This day we remember; 

the covenant made. 

The joy of the day. 

Because in remembering we grow. 

In remembering we remain steadfast. 

Deuteronomy 32:7

Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past. Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders, and they will explain to you.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to our Oldest Farm girl 

and the only man my farmer would hand her off to. 

May you continue to love and respect each other. 

May you seek romance and choose joy. 

May you continually bring our farmette home to visit. 

Alan Jackson 

Remember When

Don't We All Just Want To Be Loved? (re-posting thoughts)

My farmer walks stronger these days. Healing so apparent. Mischievous, blue eyes have their twinkle. Good news this week about clear scans and the port removal. And I am reminded again of the deep love of Christ. The love He intended within the confines of marriage; the joy of sex over the years in a healthy marriage. With the release of the movie, "Fifty Shades of Grey" my stomach turns at the perversity. Here are my thoughts on love from last year. May God always be your first love. And may you find someone that helps to cultivate that relationship. 

My Youth Pastor spoke at our wedding. He performed the ceremony  in our field, over looking the beautiful, fall landscape and Mount Mansfield. He spoke on Love. (Big surprise! Right?) He quoted lyrics from secular songs. " I want to know what Love is", "Love; it never hurt so good". An entire society trying to figure out how to do love.

Well, I am adding my 2 cents today to the litany of love experts.

Love. It's not what you think. The romance and the chocolate. The flowers and the sex. It all has little to do with love. I know. Love has more to do with the sacrificing than the receiving. I saw real love in action. As cancer ravaged my mother's body and the memory thief knocked on my dad's door.  I saw. In sickness. . .He wouldn't leave her side. A man who never shed a tear in my presence but once. A man prone to forget the Anniversary but not the Football game. A man now desperately trying to find out why such a wonderful woman has to suffer. I saw him meet every need she had. I saw a tenderness I had never seen. I saw love.

Love. It's not what you think. It has little to do with money. (though really someday I wouldn't mind not having to scrimp every penny. But then I wouldn't know what I know) It has nothing to do with looks or the things thrown in our faces by media. I know. Because I have seen love. When my middle was swollen  beyond human imagination. In joy. . .When I am angry and bothered and want a vacation from myself. I have seen love. And when the unimaginable happens and the precious is torn from your life and you stand at your sons grave. In Sorrow. . .You see love. You feel love and you know love. And when the doctor returns your call and the diagnosis is cancer and you stare deep into each others eyes and everything you need to know is right there. That's love. And when the effects of chemo and radiation leave you barely able to stay awake or eat and you still go to the Diner because you know that's what she wants and you never complain. That's love.

I Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love. It's not what you think. I've received it. I've done nothing to earn it. He gave; the overwhelming grace sent by the Father. A love that transcends all. A life ransomed for mine. The assurance of eternal life. His life for mine. Love. What a thing. A love that will never let me go. . .ever.

Love has been demonstrated daily since our son was called home. Meals, financial support, hugs, flowers, letters, gifts, cards, acts of service, phone calls; the list goes on. The desire to help us stand when we can't find our way. The fruit of pure love.

Twila Paris~How beautiful, when humble hearts give, 

the fruit of pure love, so that others may live. How beautiful. . .Is the Body of Christ.

So if you're looking for love. I am sure "you're looking in all the wrong places". You'll find it when you lay to rest your son. You'll find it when toxic cocktails weave their way through your spouses veins. You'll find it when you give all you have to give and then some more. You'll find it when you take the "I need" out of your vocabulary. You'll find it best when the divine meets the sovereign and you hand over all that you are, all that you need, to the only One that will love you completely.

 I will take my hearts in the snow. Hearts on my clothesline and when the weather is too bad, strings of hearts in my living room. I will take the knowing looks. The graveyard visits and dates to the infusion center. I will remove the " I need, or I deserve" and seek to serve with all I have.

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

What They Don't Tell You When You Say, "I Do"

What they don't tell you when you say, "I do."

In case you're wondering? Life isn't always a bed of roses after you're married. 

With in a year we had experienced the loss of our first child. 

We received much love and support. 

Grace.

Words of encouragement and strength to journey on.

There was much hard work and little time for anything else. 

We made it work.

And then it happened. 

Finances. 

6 kids. 

Sleep deprivation. 

Body changes. 

Job changes. 

All take their toll. 

Date nights; gone by the wayside.

Romance; a thing of the past. 

You wake one morning to find there are no children in diapers. 

The car seats are gone. 

The house is occupied by living, breathing, opinionated, stubborn, hungry, always hungry, beings. 

Somewhere life has taken a turn and you're wondering how in the world you got here. 

Then life takes another turn.

You find yourself needing to care for ailing parents. 

The battle between your home and theirs ensues. 

Add plans for a wedding and you wonder where time has gone. 

You sit across the table from the one you said. "yes" to. 

You realize the only conversations you have is around the kids or the business. 

You attempt to go away with little success. 

Spending time together is hard. 

Then the unimaginable happens. 

You are woken in the middle of the night to find your first born son will never come home. 

He has taken his last ride. 

His home forever more is with the King of Kings. 

And the one you said, "yes" to begins a battle for his life as cancer digs in it's claws. 

All of life becomes unfamiliar. 

Your heart searches for stability. 

Together you commit to fight. 

And when 20 years rolls around it doesn't feel right. 

Nothing goes right and the surrender to grief and pain mar the celebration there should be. 

The birth of a grandchild in the middle of all the unpleasantness, a balm to our weary hearts. 

The joy of watching your step daughter and son in law move to the dance of 

 new life is grace heaped on grace. 

So when 21 rolls around.

 A new effort is made. 

The familiar has returned. The conversation rich and glorious. 

Matching the glowing colors of the landscape. 

What they don't tell you when you say I do is the beauty in staying together. 

The joy in working through the tough parts. 

The immeasurable peace in growing side by side together.  

We bow together in humble submission to the One who gave marriage as a gift. 

We ask for forgiveness. 

I vow to reign in this anxiety that threatens to permeate everything. 

We will continue to take steps. 

No matter how difficult. 

Hand in hand. 

On our knees. 

For better, for worse, for richer or poorer. 

Until death do us part. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know that "Years from now, I'll love you years from now."

Happy 21st Anniversary Gary. 

I long to do this life well. 

May all we do, point to Christ. 

May we live in grace and extend grace. 

And do much with what we have been given. 

Until death do us part. 

The Question That Begs An Answer

The doctor asks my farmer, "What do you like to do?"

And I watch my farmer.

He doesn't know.
Right now, he hates farming.
There are aspects he used to enjoy. Maybe even love. A deep satisfaction.

Now, it produces stress. Reminders of a beloved red headed farm boy;
 heading to the Marines.

He used to play music. . . we both did.
Kids and life got in the way. 

I start to think. 

What do I like to do? 

 I used to love to teach. It is in my blood.
But with 6 children, a farm, a home, working out became impossible.
My career shifted to domestic engineer. 
Now, everything seems so hard. 

Everywhere I look there is something to be done. 

A memory that pierces my heart. 

Who am I?
Who are we as a couple?
These questions beg an answer.
Who are we after 21 years of marriage, the death of a son, cancer and  depression?
Who are we?
We are God's children.
A promise.
We have to ask, "Who is God?" In order to understand those questions.
Who is God? 
The hope of all nations.
Our provider, healer, restorer, redeemer, the joy giver.
He is that and so much more.
It will take all of this life to even begin to fathom his mercy.
Who are we?
We are husband and wife.
Covenanted by marriage.
A life long commitment, strengthened by the trials that try to separate us.
Who are we?
We are parents, friends and lovers.
Our identity tied together through bonds that can't be broken.
We are united in Christ.
Bought with a price, given on the cross.
We are raised to new life; with purpose; for a purpose.
A purpose that is not yet fulfilled.
We are ambassadors on this earth with a message of hope to share.
A legacy to leave, pointing to the Creator and redeemer of our souls.
Worship in the midst of grief.
Hope known when our hearts are overwhelmed.

Do you know loss? Is your heart heavy?
Do you long to know who you are?
We're going to rephrase the question the doctor asked.
What is it God wants us to do? 
We are going to seek that answer.
Where is he leading us through this time?

Ephesians5:1-2
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 
 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, 
a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

How To Make More TIme In A Day

I look into those beautiful blue eyes. 

His sons inherited them. One still growing, the other, his eyes closed for all of eternity.

I turn away. Tears threaten to spill over. 

I hate to see him like this. 

It breaks my heart. 

I have no control.
The outcome unknown.
The toxic cocktails supposedl, targeting the cancer that threatens to consume his life.
Yet the journey there, leaving him tired, and weak.
Stepping each moment in faith and hope.
Grace met us once again as one of the nurses prays with us. 

We are strengthened and encouraged. 

These glimpses of grace are such gifts and do much to spur us on.
My farmer is half way done with his infusions.
He has 10 more radiation sessions.

I ponder on how we are finding time to head into town everyday and spend the entire day on Fridays, when we struggled to find time to be together before this.
I don't want to go back to that old way of living.
 Finding time to be with your spouse is so important.
Intentional time.
 Holding hands and laughing.
We do that every time we go to the hospital.
Even when what we are heading towards is not fun.

Time.
It can paralyze us.
Motivate us.
It passes at the same rate year after year, moment after moment.
Yet some of those moments are fleeting and some drag on.
Time.
There are moments when I wish time would stand still. Like the night of Elijah's accident.
I long for more moments. 
My clock flashing for weeks because I did not want to change the time.
Time.

It's all we have.
God has given each us a certain amount of time.
The same amount in a day. . .just different lengths of days.
How will my life count? How will I listen to what God will call me too?
The laundry and dishes scream for attention.
Fatigue permeates most of our lives and the energy to put into our marriage is often displaced.
There are games, concerts and meetings. Emails to check and Pinterest boards to view.
We find time for things that matter.
And I want my marriage to matter.
It is a sacred vow, we took.
 In plenty in want, in sickness and health. . .until death due us part.
My heart cries for time. 
That the death due us part; will be far in the future.
But we know all too well, that is not for us to decide. 
The time we have is now and we need to be intentional.
How will my life count? What will I let scream at me for attention?
When our steps are surrendered to the one who orders them, our time will be used for his Glory.
As we let him write our "to do list" the important things become clear.
And time will be His.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

So make the time you have here on this earth count. Seek a to do list, that matters.

1 Corinthians 10:31
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, 
do it all for the glory of God.

"I've grown tired of earthly things
They promise peace but furnish pain
All of life's sweetest joys combined
Can never match those in another time"

A Love Story, Happy 20th Anniversary to My Farmer

September 17, 2013 facebook post

20 years ago today, I went to work and then headed to the farm to help finish chores. Gary and I went to the Tunbridge Fair. It was a gorgeous fall night. Little did I know what the evening held in store. A few hours later,  my best friend asked me to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other, to serve God and continue our friendship as husband and wife. He gave me his great grandmothers ring. Which fit perfectly. We got married less than a month later. . . that story in a few weeks. . .

Well, it's been a few weeks. . .and here is the rest of the story:

 On September 17,1993 I became engaged.
The very thought, even to this day brings a smile to my face.
It was romantic and magical and. . . not what my farmer had planned.
He had wanted to propose on the Ferris Wheel.
Even back then, I was too cheap. 
And the thought of paying all that money to ride the Ferris Wheel seemed ridiculous.
So, he asked me to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other, serving God together and continuing our friendship as husband and wife in. . . the horse barn. 
I was so surprised. 
Of course I said yes. 

Early the next morning I hurried to my soon to be Mother in Law's. 
A twinkle in her eye, so much like her son, made me realize, she already knew.
There was a flurry of excitement as the word spread.
(That happens in a large, close knit family)
And before 9:00 in the morning we were off to look for wedding gowns and begin the planning.

By that afternoon, we had purchased a gown and set a date.
We would marry in less than 4 weeks. 
But for this family, 4 weeks is nothing.
And within days all the details of a full wedding were complete. 

Somehow, there was enough time to surprise me with a bridal shower.

October 16, 1993
 would dawn a beautiful day.
I was marrying the one I had prayed for; my best friend.

Philippians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.

The reception was in the new barn we were building.
All festive for the fall theme. 

Jimmy brought me to my dad in a horse and buggy.
That didn't work out so well for me.
Ask me about that sometime. . .
It was a wild ride.

Dad after the wild ride. . .walking me down the aisle. 

He will always be my hero.

Dementia can't take that. . . 

To honor Chelsea and help her feel a part of the ceremony,we surprised her with a ring.

It matches her dads.

Even though her daddy was getting married. She would always hold his heart. 

Until Adam came and stole it away. . .

and made her the happiest girl on earth. . .

I had planned every detail of that wedding. . .or so I thought.

Part way through the ceremony. . . the Road Crew. . .(the band Gary played in) all surrounded us. . .

And my farmer sang me a love song that we still cherish to this day. 

It was a magical day. One I would do over and over again if I could. 

We had so much fun. 

These 20 years have been rich and full.

Our marriage hasn't been perfect. 

We have  fallen short of the glory of God many times. 

We forget to keep NO record of wrongs, we forget to be patient and kind.
We forget how fun date night can be. 

I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But God's mercy and grace has followed us in a mighty way,
 as we have sought Him in our marriage.

If you look just below the middle of the photo, you will see a cloud in the shape of a circle. 

This was during the exchange of our rings during the ceremony.

A beautiful display of God's majesty in the heaven's. . .

 And 20 years later, on the morning of the death of our son, 

God displayed his majesty again, in the shape of a heart. 

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

We have known great joy.

And lately, we have known deep, agonizing sorrow and uncertainty.
We have been blessed to have 20 years together.
I hope for many more. 
But more importantly, I hope to finish well.
I hope we have served God with all we have.
That our love, in some way,
 has mirrored the love Christ has for us.
And that God would continue to heal our broken hearts.

Happy Anniversary Gary Lee, my beloved farmer.
You still make me swoon, you still take my breath away.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for modeling what a Godly man looks like for our children.
And thank you for holding us all together when we feel like our world is falling apart.
It is an honor to be your wife and journey together in this life.