Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Question That Begs An Answer

The doctor asks my farmer, "What do you like to do?"
And I watch my farmer.
He doesn't know.
Right now, he hates farming.
There are aspects he used to enjoy. Maybe even love. A deep satisfaction.

Now, it produces stress. Reminders of a beloved red headed farm boy;
 heading to the Marines.

He used to play music. . . we both did.
Kids and life got in the way. 
I start to think. 
What do I like to do? 
 I used to love to teach. It is in my blood.
But with 6 children, a farm, a home, working out became impossible.
My career shifted to domestic engineer. 
Now, everything seems so hard. 
Everywhere I look there is something to be done. 
A memory that pierces my heart. 
Who am I?
Who are we as a couple?
These questions beg an answer.
Who are we after 21 years of marriage, the death of a son, cancer and  depression?
Who are we?
We are God's children.
A promise.
We have to ask, "Who is God?" In order to understand those questions.
Who is God? 
The hope of all nations.
Our provider, healer, restorer, redeemer, the joy giver.
He is that and so much more.
It will take all of this life to even begin to fathom his mercy.
Who are we?
We are husband and wife.
Covenanted by marriage.
A life long commitment, strengthened by the trials that try to separate us.
Who are we?
We are parents, friends and lovers.
Our identity tied together through bonds that can't be broken.
We are united in Christ.
Bought with a price, given on the cross.
We are raised to new life; with purpose; for a purpose.
A purpose that is not yet fulfilled.
We are ambassadors on this earth with a message of hope to share.
A legacy to leave, pointing to the Creator and redeemer of our souls.
Worship in the midst of grief.
Hope known when our hearts are overwhelmed.

Do you know loss? Is your heart heavy?
Do you long to know who you are?
We're going to rephrase the question the doctor asked.
What is it God wants us to do? 
We are going to seek that answer.
Where is he leading us through this time?

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 
 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, 
fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.


  1. Wow Tammy, that was beautiful. As you seek Him, you will find Him, and ultimately find out who you are. I pray your farmer finds his joy in farming again. As you both heal, hopefully that will come. You've both taken a huge hit, as your entire family has. With that, your joys of life have been robbed as well. Time will heal, and joy will return, in time.

  2. Thank you Cindy, Leaning every moment on the promises. . . Only Jesus can lead us in our journey.

  3. These are brave observations: raw, honest questions. And sometimes these answers are hard to come by even when all is going well. I will continue to pray for peace for you and your family, and that Gary will soon break through this depression and rediscover the joy of living.
    Michelle, Jericho United Pentecostal Church

    1. We know God is a God of restoration. We are longing for his hand to restore. The waiting is the hard part.

  4. "We're going to rephrase the question the doctor asked.
    What is it God wants us to do?"
    We should all be asking ourselves this question. Thank you for sharing your wisdom through grief.

    1. yes, our lives beg the question, "What is it God wants us to do?" Often that is not the same as what is it we like to do. . . and sometimes it is . . .