Remembering

We stand at the grave. 

This college friend and I. 

Last together when life didn't hold so many painful pieces.

Back when life was still fresh and young. 

This day we stand at the grave of my oldest son. 

"Tell me about Elijah, " she says. 

My eyes fill with tears. 

It's been months since I have let myself think of him. 

Months since I have paused to remember. 

Because in the remembering the searing ache lies. 

The sharp pain of who he was and will never be. 

The kind and caring, yet hot tempered red head. 

So handsome. 

So bent on being right. 

Blue, blue eyes. 

Perfect teeth from suffering through surgeries and braces. 

Smooth, pink skin. 

My son. 

Not all remembering brings pain. 

God was intent on us remembering. 

He wanted us to remember to not fear; 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Today is a day to remember a covenant made. 

A day our family celebrated and treasured. 

It is our oldest daughters 3rd Anniversary. 

The day she and her husband promised to love and cherish 

until death do they part. 

A commitment they don't take lightly. 

Each working to strive to help and serve the other. 

My farmer and I watch with tenderness as the husband of this stubborn farm girl chooses patience and understanding. 

We watch as this team encourages our precious grand daughter. 

We step into grace as we expect another grandchild in March. 

This day we remember; 

the covenant made. 

The joy of the day. 

Because in remembering we grow. 

In remembering we remain steadfast. 

Deuteronomy 32:7

Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past. Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders, and they will explain to you.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to our Oldest Farm girl 

and the only man my farmer would hand her off to. 

May you continue to love and respect each other. 

May you seek romance and choose joy. 

May you continually bring our farmette home to visit. 

Alan Jackson 

Remember When

What They Don't Tell You When You Say, "I Do"

What they don't tell you when you say, "I do."

In case you're wondering? Life isn't always a bed of roses after you're married. 

With in a year we had experienced the loss of our first child. 

We received much love and support. 

Grace.

Words of encouragement and strength to journey on.

There was much hard work and little time for anything else. 

We made it work.

And then it happened. 

Finances. 

6 kids. 

Sleep deprivation. 

Body changes. 

Job changes. 

All take their toll. 

Date nights; gone by the wayside.

Romance; a thing of the past. 

You wake one morning to find there are no children in diapers. 

The car seats are gone. 

The house is occupied by living, breathing, opinionated, stubborn, hungry, always hungry, beings. 

Somewhere life has taken a turn and you're wondering how in the world you got here. 

Then life takes another turn.

You find yourself needing to care for ailing parents. 

The battle between your home and theirs ensues. 

Add plans for a wedding and you wonder where time has gone. 

You sit across the table from the one you said. "yes" to. 

You realize the only conversations you have is around the kids or the business. 

You attempt to go away with little success. 

Spending time together is hard. 

Then the unimaginable happens. 

You are woken in the middle of the night to find your first born son will never come home. 

He has taken his last ride. 

His home forever more is with the King of Kings. 

And the one you said, "yes" to begins a battle for his life as cancer digs in it's claws. 

All of life becomes unfamiliar. 

Your heart searches for stability. 

Together you commit to fight. 

And when 20 years rolls around it doesn't feel right. 

Nothing goes right and the surrender to grief and pain mar the celebration there should be. 

The birth of a grandchild in the middle of all the unpleasantness, a balm to our weary hearts. 

The joy of watching your step daughter and son in law move to the dance of 

 new life is grace heaped on grace. 

So when 21 rolls around.

 A new effort is made. 

The familiar has returned. The conversation rich and glorious. 

Matching the glowing colors of the landscape. 

What they don't tell you when you say I do is the beauty in staying together. 

The joy in working through the tough parts. 

The immeasurable peace in growing side by side together.  

We bow together in humble submission to the One who gave marriage as a gift. 

We ask for forgiveness. 

I vow to reign in this anxiety that threatens to permeate everything. 

We will continue to take steps. 

No matter how difficult. 

Hand in hand. 

On our knees. 

For better, for worse, for richer or poorer. 

Until death do us part. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know that "Years from now, I'll love you years from now."

Happy 21st Anniversary Gary. 

I long to do this life well. 

May all we do, point to Christ. 

May we live in grace and extend grace. 

And do much with what we have been given. 

Until death do us part. 

A Love That Transcends Any Hollywood Attempt

Another year has passed. It would have been my parents 48th Anniversary. I call my dad. I don't say anything about the day. I just want to hear his voice. The voice that once steadied me now needs my assurance. He misses me and wonders when I can come visit. I wonder too. It seems the edge I once had has diminished. The trip MA done in a day or several times a month. The thought, now, fills me with dread. 

My thoughts drift back to last year and since this is a month of remembering. I am re-posting last years thoughts. I am still writing reports. Still working on book work. The beat similar. The journey to the cross still the most important. The clinging to hope. The desire for grace. May encouragement find you as you read. May hope be your companion. 

The Beat of the Heart

Today is my parents Anniversary. It would have been their 47th. Last year we celebrated their 46th in the hospital at Brigham and Woman's. The doctors brought them a cake. . . honoring their years together as mom's life slipped slowly from her. . .I have said before, my parents relationship was  NOT perfect. They fought, said hurtful things, threatened to break that vow they had once cherished. Yet, they stuck it out. They persevered. And it became beautiful. This year mom celebrates in Heaven. . .that perfect Bride of Christ. . .

It was interesting to watch as dad's memory faded, the tenderness he brought to their relationship. When once mom had longed to get flowers or have him be more loving. . .He now was all those things. He would bring flowers, not remembering he had brought some a few days ago. As the realization that mom's cancer had progressed to the point that the ebb and flow of life would be silenced. . .he grew tender and attentive. She grew softer and peaceful. It was beautiful. It was also a gift. And on the day that the LORD called mom home, dad was right beside her. 

 I thought my heart was breaking when mom died in December. She was 69. She had a new grandchild. It was hard to lose her. But we praised God for her life and the blessing that she was able to see Tristan be born and then experience his baptism. Oh what a service that was! Mom standing up out of her wheel chair to give praise to the living God who was calling her home. . .moment by moment. 

I thought my heart was breaking in June when I picked up our sweet puppy from the hard packed road and watched him slip away in my arms. . . When I had to meet Clarissa in the driveway and let her know her precious white bundle had been snatched from this earth, too soon. 

And I then thought my heart might stop beating the night the visitors came to my door to tell me our son had not survived a car accident. . .so close to home . . .And those moments stilled the world for me. As the wee hours of the morning passed. . .I needed to  climb the stairs, walk past his room and tell his siblings that their brother now resided with the King of Kings. 

Each morning the sun rises. . .the milking needs to be done and the beat of the day presses the necessity forward. I am honored and blessed to have friends who have come along side me. . . and are just present in my home. They have folded laundry while I type out evaluations. They have washed dishes and watered plants while I do book work; they have played with my kids while I climb those stairs to lie on my sons bed and pour out my beating heart to the One who gives, and takes life. 

My heart will continue to beat until I am called home. Sometimes I think the beat will be unsteady as my aching heart longs for what it can not have. 

And as each sunrise comes, I will lift mine eyes to the hills from whence my help cometh. (Psalm 121) 

And I will give thanks and praise. 
I will stay wrapped in the love that comes because One gave all, so that all might live. 

I posted this song before. It is by a classmate of Elijah's. 

She is a gem, and a treasure. She has a gift and she gave it. 
And for that I am grateful. . . 

At Your Pace by Mikayla Keleman

All In The Same Moment

This time last year we had been in Maine. 

We came home. 

It was so quiet. 

 No white tornado puppy to great us. 

I had been thinking about our home going and what it would be like. 

How quickly my son would experience that journey. 

Each step of every day draws me closer to the anniversary of the day. 

We attended a Birthday for a sweet One year old. 

We sang Happy Birthday and she opened her presents. 

On the TV ran photos of my children when they were little. 

Pictures of Elijah. 

His blue eyes sparkling. 

The kids so little. 

How quickly it all went. 

It seems like yesterday, my kids were the ones celebrating their first birthdays. 

Now I am about to recognize the first Anniversary of my sons death. 

It's wrong. 

So very wrong. 

I feel like I have been in a bubble this past year. 

Between the deaths and the cancer something has been askew. 

There has been one constant that has been right. 

Each moment held by grace. 

Wrapped in love. 

Feet planted firmly. 

My go to place.

The solid rock.

Psalm 18:31

For who is God besides the LORD?

 And who is the Rock except our God?

My faith in Jesus Christ. 

If you have children. 

Slow down. 

Love more. 

Laugh at inappropriate times. 

Take yourself a little less seriously. 

Talk about God. 

A lot. 

Teach your children to pray. 

To love; with every act. 

To be respectful. 

Go to church. 

Live in a Community that knows your name.
And even if they don't, they will still love on you. 

Find ways to be creative. 

Say I love you. 

All the time. 

Even when you don't feel like it. 

Trust God. 

Breathe deeply. 

Always kiss them good bye when they leave. 

Always.

Hold tight; yet let them spread their wings and fly. 

All in the same moment. 

We Can Only Change the Future

She posts this picture.
It's her Anniversary.

The tears just flow.
I can't recall ever seeing this picture.
This dear friend left for adventures and excitement out of New England soon after her wedding. 

Oh how life was back then.
24 years ago.

It wasn't perfect. 

But there is an ache.
For the way things used to be. 
For my son. 

For my mom and dad. 

For my friend; the miles that separate us. 

I was so honored to be her maid of honor. 

How I adored her. 

She was beautiful; her spirit soft and gentle. 

Kind.

She wasn't rough around the edges like I am. 

She was like my cousin. 

Both women I admire greatly.
To see this picture reminds me of all our hopes and dreams back then.
She, now living in Alaska, raising 7 children and homeschooling.
Living with 2 children with Cystic Fibrosis.
Clinging to God's promises.
The oldest a testimony to, medical technology,  healthy eating, self care and grace.
Not taking a moment of this life for granted.
She journals here at Northerncffamily.
24 years is a long time.
So much has happened.
I sometimes long to go back with the knowledge I have now.
There are many things I would do differently.
But then I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't had those experiences..
I can only change the future. 
I want to love more.
Use softer words.
Appreciate better.
Extend mercy.
Share the amazing grace found in Jesus Christ.
I won't get it right all of the time.
But I can try. 
Not for me; but for God.
Because He is all we need.
One act of kindness.
One gentle word.
That's all it takes.
One moment at a time.

Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,[a]
    and to walk humbly with your God?

Even on Your 20th Anniversary, One Can Get Cranky

Even on your 20th Anniversary one can get cranky.

We don't relax. 

We are in constant motion.

Every moment needed to survive.

For a farmer there is work and there is sleep.

And when the harvest is in or the sun too hot. . .

There is a season for rest. 

But not much. 

So when 20 years come and we take a break.

There is bound to be bumps in the road.
But we work them out. . . it's the way of marriage.
It is giving and giving more.
It is loving better, being patient and kind.
Keeping NO record of wrongs.
I Corinthians 13

And time away has been good.
We live in a beautiful state.
The color exquisite this year.

We arrive at our hotel ,.
We are told that our room has been upgraded.
We are wished a Happy Anniversary
We did not share this information when we made our reservation.
They are aware of our son's passing as well.
After we are in the room for awhile, there is a knock at the door and room service delivers chocolate and chilled champagne. . .compliments of the General Manager with the room upgrade.
This is extravagant grace.
I can count on one hand the number of times we have been away.
Never, have we been treated like this.
Thank you to whom ever planned this detail.

We dined by firelight, had massages.

But still cried ourselves to sleep.
Even in the elegance of a place like this,
 the raw emotions of a broken heart can't be escaped
I  pray.
I pray for 20 years of loving.
I pray for loss and broken hearts and a family that will never be the same.
I pray for our children still allowed to be with us and the new life coming soon.
I pray for those that carry the new life and strength for their journey ahead.

Life is not easy.
Marriage is not easy.
But loving God is.
It is  surrender,  repentance, and acceptance.
 Mercy and Grace.
We all have a story.
We all have pain.
But we all have access to the One that will;
"wipe every tear from their eyes. 
There will be no more death’
 or mourning or crying or pain,for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
There is hope and there is joy. . . beyond anything our earthly minds can grasp.

Looking through my phone last night I found a few more pictures.
I treasure these gifts.
I miss all that has been.
This new walk is unfamiliar.
Yet, each moment of the way we are held.
We are loved.

May we all take time today to keep no record of wrongs. . .
If you will, please take a moment to listen to this link from my cousins' son Adrian Gonzalez.

I Corinthians 13
Adrian Gonzalez

A Love Story, Happy 20th Anniversary to My Farmer

September 17, 2013 facebook post

20 years ago today, I went to work and then headed to the farm to help finish chores. Gary and I went to the Tunbridge Fair. It was a gorgeous fall night. Little did I know what the evening held in store. A few hours later,  my best friend asked me to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other, to serve God and continue our friendship as husband and wife. He gave me his great grandmothers ring. Which fit perfectly. We got married less than a month later. . . that story in a few weeks. . .

Well, it's been a few weeks. . .and here is the rest of the story:

 On September 17,1993 I became engaged.
The very thought, even to this day brings a smile to my face.
It was romantic and magical and. . . not what my farmer had planned.
He had wanted to propose on the Ferris Wheel.
Even back then, I was too cheap. 
And the thought of paying all that money to ride the Ferris Wheel seemed ridiculous.
So, he asked me to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other, serving God together and continuing our friendship as husband and wife in. . . the horse barn. 
I was so surprised. 
Of course I said yes. 

Early the next morning I hurried to my soon to be Mother in Law's. 
A twinkle in her eye, so much like her son, made me realize, she already knew.
There was a flurry of excitement as the word spread.
(That happens in a large, close knit family)
And before 9:00 in the morning we were off to look for wedding gowns and begin the planning.

By that afternoon, we had purchased a gown and set a date.
We would marry in less than 4 weeks. 
But for this family, 4 weeks is nothing.
And within days all the details of a full wedding were complete. 

Somehow, there was enough time to surprise me with a bridal shower.

October 16, 1993
 would dawn a beautiful day.
I was marrying the one I had prayed for; my best friend.

Philippians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.

The reception was in the new barn we were building.
All festive for the fall theme. 

Jimmy brought me to my dad in a horse and buggy.
That didn't work out so well for me.
Ask me about that sometime. . .
It was a wild ride.

Dad after the wild ride. . .walking me down the aisle. 

He will always be my hero.

Dementia can't take that. . . 

To honor Chelsea and help her feel a part of the ceremony,we surprised her with a ring.

It matches her dads.

Even though her daddy was getting married. She would always hold his heart. 

Until Adam came and stole it away. . .

and made her the happiest girl on earth. . .

I had planned every detail of that wedding. . .or so I thought.

Part way through the ceremony. . . the Road Crew. . .(the band Gary played in) all surrounded us. . .

And my farmer sang me a love song that we still cherish to this day. 

It was a magical day. One I would do over and over again if I could. 

We had so much fun. 

These 20 years have been rich and full.

Our marriage hasn't been perfect. 

We have  fallen short of the glory of God many times. 

We forget to keep NO record of wrongs, we forget to be patient and kind.
We forget how fun date night can be. 

I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But God's mercy and grace has followed us in a mighty way,
 as we have sought Him in our marriage.

If you look just below the middle of the photo, you will see a cloud in the shape of a circle. 

This was during the exchange of our rings during the ceremony.

A beautiful display of God's majesty in the heaven's. . .

 And 20 years later, on the morning of the death of our son, 

God displayed his majesty again, in the shape of a heart. 

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

We have known great joy.

And lately, we have known deep, agonizing sorrow and uncertainty.
We have been blessed to have 20 years together.
I hope for many more. 
But more importantly, I hope to finish well.
I hope we have served God with all we have.
That our love, in some way,
 has mirrored the love Christ has for us.
And that God would continue to heal our broken hearts.

Happy Anniversary Gary Lee, my beloved farmer.
You still make me swoon, you still take my breath away.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for modeling what a Godly man looks like for our children.
And thank you for holding us all together when we feel like our world is falling apart.
It is an honor to be your wife and journey together in this life.

Happy First Anniversary Chelsea and Adam

A year ago, on a dreary day such as today.

We created our own sunshine.

Vows were exchanged and a new journey began.

A beautiful little girl.

Grew to love this man.

And when he came to us to ask if he could have her hand in marriage. . .

Her daddy said, "No, no, no."

And then after a conversation and hugs.

We both gave our blessing.

 Such a beautiful bride.

So many dreams.

Such a future before them.

And even though you know she is arriving by tractor. . .

When you hear the engine start, your heart, for a moment wishes she were young again.

Certain sounds bring such wonderful memories.

Where did all the time go?

A few tears escape.

The music starts,

and her daddy begins his final task.

He will hand his precious girl to the man of her dreams.

 

Scripture was read by the one who now resides with the King of Kings.

So much changed in a year. . .

The two have now become one. 

On the farm of her birth.

And they lived happily ever after.

I am serious. 

Look at them.

And in the midst of deep sorrow, 

we are getting ready to celebrate,

New Life.

Happy Anniversary Chelsea and Adam.