Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Stepping Forward; It's Been 2 years

I want to stand in front of the pole 
And will it to not be. 
As if being there at the time of the accident could stop it from happening. 
I stare at the pole. 

Someone has so lovingly mowed this area and planted flowers. 
The knowledge that someone else remembers fills my aching soul.

It is now 2 years since our boy walked this earth. 

2 years of walking a path that is rough and ragged. 

This time has been filled with life - full, and moving on. 

Some days the moving on is so deeply painful. 
It takes all I am to step forward. 
But that is what we need to do. 
Step Forward. 
Each foot placed firmly down. 
Placed on the rock that is solid and strong. 
Step Forward, for the work still left to do. 
We are a people deeply loved by a loving God. 
So loved in fact that He gave all. 
Yesterday I spoke with another who longs for her child. 
Another taken too soon. 
And we spoke of the blessings we shared. 
The gifts God has given. 
That night. 
The final moments I would ever see him. 
I said Good Bye. 
I held him. 
I gazed into his eyes. 

I have no regrets. 

40 days before he delivered this. 

A gift. 

While we continue to wrestle with deep grief, we still need to step forward. 
Forward into grace. 
Ready to see a need. 
Counting our blessings. 
Standing on Truth. 
I keep coming back to, what I know. 
I know that I am loved. 

I know that I have been redeemed. 
I know where Elijah is. 
I know he is at the feet of Jesus. 
The ache and the pain will never go away. 
I long for my boy every day of my life. 
That, will never change. 

There are still moments when the grief is so over powering, 
I can barely breathe. 
Yet through it all I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me.  

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am stepping forward into God's goodness.
Open to His leading. 
Trusting in His wisdom and grace. 
My soul is at peace. 
Only because of the grace given. 

I miss you with all my heart. 
We all do. 
Your plans were to serve. 
To serve this country. 
You could have gone to college and been so successful. 
Yet you chose to serve. 
You never had that chance. 
But your servants heart remains a testimony. 

May we all step forward. 
Trusting in the path placed before us. 
Resting in God's unfailing love. 
Laying down those heavy burdens. 
Knowing that there is a plan bigger than us. 

I still marvel each day as I get into the nicest vehicle I have ever driven.
I gaze at the accident site that looks beautiful and to me, has become holy ground. 
I wonder at the love poured out in so many ways. 
Winter; warmth. 
I step each day onto a porch that is solid and beautiful; 
beyond anything we could have done. 

Tangible reminders that we are loved. 
Help to Step Forward.

Reminders that we really do have :

10,000 Reasons to Sing
Matt Redman



  1. Can't believe it's been 2 years. Thank you my sister for sharing your grief and your pain and your faith, and thoughts of your precious beloved son with us, and using all of it to glorify God, and showing us all what genuine faith looks like when confronted with the worst news a parent could receive.

    Though I didn't know him well, whenever I hear this song, I can't help but to think of Elijah, and your whole family.

    You WILL see him again:

    In Christ,
    Chris Chase (your neighbor)

    1. Thank you for sharing that. It is hard to believe 2 years. . . 2 years of much grace and mercy. All glory to God for his sustaining power getting us through this time.