The Icy Fear That Can Grip So Suddenly

Will this ever be easy? 

Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? 

I hold my breath.

I feel tense. 

My spirit unsettled. 

Waiting. 

For the axe to drop. 

Anticipating the negative. 

Icy cold fear. 

It creeps in. 

Slowly. 

While you're not aware. 

It is there. 

Gripping. 

Choking. 

The dawn will come and it will be 23 months 

since my boy walked the face of this earth. 

23 months since I have felt normal,

It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the other. 

Willing myself to move forward.
Trusting in the goodness of God. 

Remembering His promises. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Resting in His word. 

But tonight the icy, cold fear grips tightly. 

There are 2 children out. 

And I fear. 

The darkness real. 

I am powerless. 

Tears well. 

Deep longing and desire to see my son fill my soul. 

Bitterness lies just beneath the surface. 

Tools of the enemy. 

I dig deep. 

Psalm 27:1

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?

My God will supply all our needs. 

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Needs that He knows better than I do. 

Needs that I haven't even thought of. 

He will provide. 

He will supply. 

I just need to trust. 

To let go. 

To surrender. 

And this I find hard to do. 

I Peter 1:6-9

 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

My heart yearns for Elijah. 

I long to be his mom. 

I long for things that are hidden deep in my heart. 

Longings that will never, ever be satisfied this side of heaven. 

The pain is there to stay. 

The deep ache forever there. 

My heart will forever be broken. 

A piece of it always missing. 

But God will fill the ache. 

He will pour His Spirit in until I am over flowing with all that He has. 

He will turn my mourning into dancing. 

He is the God who majors in restoration and regeneration. 

I can not see what God is doing now. 

I may not even be able to understand. 

But I can trust and rest in the promises given so long ago. 

The icy fear has dissipated some. 

As I wait I will practice trust. 

I will hand over each of my worries, each of my fears until I am empty. 

Naming them one by one. 

Because even in death. 

God is there. 

In the emptiness, He can do His greatest work. 

He alone will satisfy. 

Psalm 107:9

for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

As the day dawns and 23 months go by,

 I will place my feet on the ground that will never be shaken. 

My hope is placed with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

I will melt the icy fear with power and might of a Holy God. 

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

 according to his power that is at work within us,

We Yield, He Works, We Rest

Do you stumble out of bed? 

Is there a longing to pull the sheets over your head and wish the day would go away? 

I do. 

The desire to sink into quiet, no schedules, sleep past 5:30, rise to greet me. 

I always feel the need to be moving. 

I have to be accomplishing something. 

Yet somehow I feel as if nothing is ever done. 

I am just treading water. 

I stare into the fog this morning wanting to roll over and just shut it all out. 

I don't want to feel, or work through the day. 

I have an early morning meeting, the kids school to do, laundry, book work, a never ending list. 

We need to be in town for a port-flush for Gary and then back out to get ready for a cello recital. 

There is hay down.

Everyone wants to head in a different direction. 

Once, I excelled at these varying schedules. 

They energized me. 

Now they drag me down. 

My soul longs for quiet; peace. 

I realize a little too late; I have stepped off that gentle walk with God. 

The walk that allows you to step quietly while all rages around you. 

No matter the schedule, the chaos, the laundry, the bills. 

The walk sweet and soft. 

So, I am re-grouping a little this morning. 

It's a busy weekend. 

A strategy change. 

I will step into that gentle walk with God. 

Where all can rage, but the center will be peace. 

He has ordered these days. 

They are beautiful. 

It is He, that does the work in us. 

We yield. 

He works. 

We rest. 

Philippians 1:6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you 

will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Happy Birthday Mom

It's my mom's birthday. 

She would have been 71. 

Her birthday so near Mother's Day. 

I would always send her flowers for Mother's Day and a present for her birthday. 

I remember her last Mother's Day. 

The woman asked me what I wanted to say on the card. 

I must have known in my spirit that this would be my last with her. 

I couldn't say anything. 

I just started to cry. 

The poor sales lady. 

There's not enough room on a card to say all I had wanted. 

In the end I said, "Thank you". 

I had told her how I felt through the years. 

There were no regrets. 

She knew I loved her. 

It's hard to believe this is her second birthday with the King of Kings. 

Elijah will celebrate with her. 

I can't put into words how this feels. 

There is joy knowing they are together for all eternity; 

yet deep heartache at missing them. 

Mom loved birthdays. 

She made such a big deal. 

She would get up early and sing, rubbing butter on our noses to wake us up. 

I have no idea where or why that tradition. 

It is NOT one I have continued. 

She loved parties and reasons to celebrate. 

She found the good in things. 

The joy deep and overflowing. 

Isaiah 55:12

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

 and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

She loved life. 

She loved her Lord. 

She served him faithfully. 

Her positive attitude contagious. 

Even when the clutches of death hovered over her. 

I miss her dearly. 

It's hard to think about. 

So much loss in such a short amount of time. 

I have to portion out the pain.

But I have the deep assurance of seeing her again. 

I long for that reunion. 

We will sing Happy Birthday to her today. 

It is also a dear friends 60th. 

She too in a battle against cancer. 

I was able to send her a note celebrating years of a friendship. 

Find the time today to celebrate someone. 

Remind them of God's love. 

Share with them the joy they bring to your life. 

Pushing through with joy today. 

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, 

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes, What We're Given, Is Not What We Want. Can You Relate?

He cracks a joke. His eyes twinkle. 

He doesn't smile.
 He doesn't have to; his eyes always have.

He participates in a discussion. 

He prays. 

My farmer is feeling better. 
A weight beginning to lift. 

Even for a moment.
His walk with the Joy Thief long.
He has continued to climb those walls; doing the hard work. 

Nothing will ever be the same. 

But having a piece of him back is exhilarating.
I miss his handlebar mustache. A different thief at work.
Radiation and Chemo stealing unknown fragments along the way. 

Sometimes we don't know what we're missing until it's gone. 

These have been days of learning to appreciate all I have.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

What I have, may not be what I want.
The lessons of life learned through the trials.
Each day a journey to the heart of God.
Seeking how to live when the searing pain a constant companion.
Even the darkest days God showed his immeasurable strength.
He seeks communion with his people.
He longs for our company.
We're still on a road that is challenging.
It is not a path I have chosen.
It is the one placed before me.
My heart yields to the lessons God wishes to impart.
It is His will I seek.
Learning to walk in His ways is my greatest desire.
He is giving us peace and strength for the way, one moment at a time.

We all have a road to walk.
The stories you all share have been such an encouragement along the way.

What has your journey been?
Do you long to tell your story.
We tell our story, which ultimately tells His.
We have had so many praying for us.
Won't you let me pray for you?

Even Before The Day Dawns. . . Much Work Has Been Done

Even before the day dawns much has been done. The farmer rises at 3 even through chemo and radiation. The cows need to be brought in, milking machines set up and milking started. Most of this happens while the rest of the world slumbers. Including me. It is not until 5 that I crawl out of

bed. These cold mornings it is more of a leap. I grab coffee and the Word to begin my day. Always coffee. Always God's word. 15 years ago, when I was in the thick of working and book work for the farm; an 11 year old step daughter, 2  children and one on the way, I prayed. I asked God to help me find time to be quiet. The noise and bustle of the day were overpowering and I would fall exhausted into bed each night. I had nothing left over. Each day full of the race to daycare, teaching, chores, and household upkeep. I began to rise a little earlier each morning. Praying that the kids wouldn't decide to awake early as well. And that morning time became my sanctuary. I filled journal after journal and spent time in the word. As the years passed. I longed to read the bible from cover to cover. Our pastor suggested a plan and I latched on to this method. It was a perfect match for this easily distracted soul. And so began my yearly reading through the bible.

I have maintained the discipline for more than 15 years; 

and this year begins my 6th year through the bible.

My refuge when I wake. 

My thoughts as I live out the daily grit and grime.

It has been my light in the darkest hours of my life. 

And it will sustain me through the trials that continue to be our companion.

It also leads us to joy in the midst of all the sorrow. 

We will continue to seek wisdom as we farm.

 I will continue find the time to be quiet. To listen for God's leading. 

To embrace the peace that is mine in the journey. 

Because I am weak; this journey is trying. 

As my cousin Dawn posted on her facebook;

The journey's difficulty has no affect upon God's strength. -- 
A thought you can carry through the day from my time with God in my kitchen this morning. It's good enough for both of us.

I will continue to rise early.

(Not as early as my farmer, there can be disasters when that happens,)

I will continue to trust no matter the struggle. 

And I will seek the joy.

Psalm 30:5

For His anger endureth but a moment, and in His favor is life; 

weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

To everyone who has lost someone they love, 

long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

There is hope for the helpless

rest for the weary. . .