I Will Trust In You

He takes my hand. 

That farmer of mine. 

I ask him how he is. 

He says fine. 

See, 

he lives by the thought;

If I live; 

Great. 

If I die;

Better.

 He asks me how I am?

I begin to weep. 

You see, because I don't want to lose him. 

Because I am tired. 

I am weary. 

I am tired of bad news. 

I know there is good in everything. 

I seek that which is good. 

But today. 

For the moment. 

I am not fine. 

I am sad. 

I am scared. 

I am numb. 

The CT scan showed some spots. 

Spots that shouldn't be there. 

Spots to a cancer patient can mean death. 

They can also be scar tissue. 

The tears continue to flow as I work through my thoughts. 

It's fine if my farmer is ok with dying. 

It's me that isn't. 

And there it is. 

Me. 

When you walk with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

There is no room for the me. 

There doesn't have to be. 

He has it all. 

He has gone before us. 

He will go with us. 

When we focus on the "me" our focus has shifted off the

 One who holds the key. 

The One who gives and extends grace. 

The One who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.

The One that traveled to Calvary that we might have life. 

He bore all so we didn't have to. 

This same God offers us His promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I tell my farmer I can't do this again. 

I can't watch him go through chemo. 

I can't. 

I don't have it in me. 

How will we survive? 

It is not until the evening. 

When the farmhouse sighs in the quiet that I hear the sound of my Savior. 

I have this, He says. 

No. 

You can not do this. 

You have no more to give. 

No more strength. 

It is now that I will be glorified. 

No matter what happens. 

I sense the very presence of the Almighty. 

We are here on this earth to bring glory and honor to the One 

who breathed breath into our beings. 

Our purpose to bring about His Kingdom. 

I do not know the future. 

I only know this moment. 

And I am going to make it count. 

I'm going to breathe in the glory of the moment. 

I'm placing my eyes heavenward. 

No matter how this journey plays out I am going to trust. 

One of my readings in the Ancient Word has been through Exodus.

God is asking Moses to go to his people. 

To bring a message that makes them uneasy. 

He is asking them to leave a place where they are familiar. 

He asks them to go to the unknown. 

God was working a plan. 

Moses nor the Israelite's could see that plan. 

They needed to be open and willing to be obedient. 

They were being asked to trust.

 To leave a place that was home to travel to a place unknown. 

Are we willing to trust God

to take us places we might not be familiar with? 

My farmer and I are on a journey that is not familiar. 

We are being asked to be obedient. 

We are being asked to trust. 

I am holding tightly to the Promises set before the world began. 

The hope that rests in the Father's way. 

He has the plan. 

He is good. 

I may not like the plan. 

I don't have to. 

He will still do the work He has planned. 

Through it all He will be glorified. 

I am willing to take the journey. 

I am willing to see what He has in store. 

I will trust. 

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

Lauren Daigle

I Will Trust In You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

The Icy Fear That Can Grip So Suddenly

Will this ever be easy? 

Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? 

I hold my breath.

I feel tense. 

My spirit unsettled. 

Waiting. 

For the axe to drop. 

Anticipating the negative. 

Icy cold fear. 

It creeps in. 

Slowly. 

While you're not aware. 

It is there. 

Gripping. 

Choking. 

The dawn will come and it will be 23 months 

since my boy walked the face of this earth. 

23 months since I have felt normal,

It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the other. 

Willing myself to move forward.
Trusting in the goodness of God. 

Remembering His promises. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Resting in His word. 

But tonight the icy, cold fear grips tightly. 

There are 2 children out. 

And I fear. 

The darkness real. 

I am powerless. 

Tears well. 

Deep longing and desire to see my son fill my soul. 

Bitterness lies just beneath the surface. 

Tools of the enemy. 

I dig deep. 

Psalm 27:1

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?

My God will supply all our needs. 

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Needs that He knows better than I do. 

Needs that I haven't even thought of. 

He will provide. 

He will supply. 

I just need to trust. 

To let go. 

To surrender. 

And this I find hard to do. 

I Peter 1:6-9

 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

My heart yearns for Elijah. 

I long to be his mom. 

I long for things that are hidden deep in my heart. 

Longings that will never, ever be satisfied this side of heaven. 

The pain is there to stay. 

The deep ache forever there. 

My heart will forever be broken. 

A piece of it always missing. 

But God will fill the ache. 

He will pour His Spirit in until I am over flowing with all that He has. 

He will turn my mourning into dancing. 

He is the God who majors in restoration and regeneration. 

I can not see what God is doing now. 

I may not even be able to understand. 

But I can trust and rest in the promises given so long ago. 

The icy fear has dissipated some. 

As I wait I will practice trust. 

I will hand over each of my worries, each of my fears until I am empty. 

Naming them one by one. 

Because even in death. 

God is there. 

In the emptiness, He can do His greatest work. 

He alone will satisfy. 

Psalm 107:9

for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

As the day dawns and 23 months go by,

 I will place my feet on the ground that will never be shaken. 

My hope is placed with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

I will melt the icy fear with power and might of a Holy God. 

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

 according to his power that is at work within us,

Whom Shall I Fear?

I cut his hair. 

This man I call dad. 

My hero.

Handsome. 

Fun. 

Handy. 

Now ordered and known intimately by the memory thief. 

He cracks a few jokes. 

We visit. 

It's time to go. 

I can feel the lump. 

The elevator;  a mind of it's own today. 

My brother and I stand and wait. 

It's the leaving. 

I head to my car. 

I call my farmer. 

I can barely talk. 

I list off the "not right's" and the pain of the past 27 months. 

All the losses. 

So many. 

It clouds my evening. 

It is not until the morning, when I wake to a new day;

when I walk to the end of the drive way;

and see the freshly fallen snow. 

Snow that covers the ground as a blanket.

White. 

Clean.

The air heavy with silence. 

It is only then that I am reminded:

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Even this part of the journey,

is passing through the Father's hands. 

He goes before us, he goes behind us. . . and he goes with us. 

This was Gary's prayer at my brother Trevor's wedding. 

A prayer I still remember so well. 

And here on this snowy morning. 

I rest in the knowledge that we are not alone. 

Even in this. 

God is here. 

I look around me. 

There are so many changes taking place. 

27 months have changed my world forever. 

But I will not be discouraged. 

I will not be dismayed. 

What about you? 

Can you take courage today? 

Are you able to step into joy? 

I'd love to hear your story. 

We all need each other. 

Whom Shall I Fear?

Chris Tomlin

The Routine A Farm Life Brings Day #19 of Thankfulness

I turn on the fire,
A hot cup of coffee in hand.

I sit.

I have started the laundry. 

The sound comforting and steady. 

The warmth from the fire removes the chill from the room. 

These plunging temperatures and fierce wind 

make it hard for this old farmhouse to stay warm. 

The day looms before me. 

Choices to make. 

A life to live. 

Up at the barn the routine of milking continues. 

Cow after cow. 

Chore after chore.

Steady.

There is something soothing about routine. 

It is the way of the farm life. 

Never changing; yet always different. 

The night the oldest farm boy called home;
 the tyranny of chores pulled and propelled us forward. 

The dark of the night; the routine - imperative.

Until the dawn broke.

The routine that continues to move us forward also includes 

 bended knee to the King of Glory and time in the Ancient Word. 

Much time spent on our knees as we plead before the throne of grace 

for strength to move through this day. 

I don't know what this day will hold. 

I can't be sure of anything. 

Yet one thing. 

Through it all God will never, ever leave my side. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

The grace in routines
warm spaces in chilly seasons
mercies that are new every morning
quiet
the Ancient Word that breathes life into my aching heart
truth; unwavering, solid
bended knees in prayer
the hope in Christ
this drafty old house and the sounds that are soothing and comforting
the lessons I am learning as grief takes it's course
eyes to see beauty 
the opportunity for my farmer to answer the call for a missions trip
Hoss and his family and the deep, deep joy they bring
opportunities to give and serve 
God, who never leaves us nor forsakes us
the routine of bowing low each morning and starting the day with the holy

The Revelation Song
Kari Jobe

You are my everything
And I will adore you

Stepping Right Out Of Fear

The rains come. 

The earth eager for nourishment. 

The sound triggers memories. 

All senses alert. 

These are the pre-death days. 

Each moment so vivid. 

Such technicolor. 

Each night I fight against the jagged thoughts. 

The waking from sleep. 

The flashlights playing on my window. 

The knocking on the door. 

The deep dark. 

Knowing something is not right. 

The air conditioner. 

Off. 

No lights. 

It all threatens to tear at me. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The fear needs to flee.
My walk steady.
The day dawns and the night a memory.
The tasks for the day before me.
Hope of conquering the day.
Trying to not give way to sadness.
I pick up his room.
The smell of him still evident.
My fear; it will fade.
What will I have left.
The child I bore and raised, no longer part of this earth.
We are forced to step forward without him.
No matter how many words I tap out.
It will remain the same.
The one constant I want to change; the one thing I long for to be different.
There is no fear. 
Perfect love casts out fear.

I John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear

Carefully guided steps to the place where fear is surrendered.
I gather what I need to from his room.
I have said goodnight to all the other kids.
I get halfway down and holler good night; I love you.
They each respond. 
But one. 
And that is the way it will be.
I continue down the stairs to the rest the night will offer.
I know there will be no fear.
And I know there will be strength.

Isaiah 46:4
even to your old age I am he,
    and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made, and I will bear;
    I will carry and will save.

I was chosen to carry you Elijah.
It was an honor and a great privilege to be your mom.
For me, it was such a short time.
But there is another story here.
And long before you were born I gave up all I am to follow Christ;
 to live a life guided by the One who calls us into being. 
Who calls us by name.
And He loves us far beyond our earthly minds can grasp.
His sacrifice complete for me; for you.
It is now with Him you dwell.
And oh what joy you are experiencing.
His promises fulfilled.
I will Praise that One with all my being.

When Trusting Comes Hard

 I have a confession to make. I don't trust Him enough. 

At all. 

I get a call from a friend. 

She says I am not trying to be a nosy neighbor but I wanted you to
know your tractor and manure spreader were stopped by the police. 

I start to shake. 

I tell her thank you. I can't stop shaking. 

I call Gary. 

I hang up the phone. 

I sit at the desk and shake.
The tank could have flipped.
My mind races.
I relive the accident night over again. 

I hear God's voice.  Do you trust me enough?

 My shaky voice answers, No.

I don't trust you enough. At all.  

I am weary from this walk. 

My soul fragile. 

And a phone call can leave me undone.
I breathe deep until the shaking stops.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
 for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I look out the window.
 Memories of children running through the yard flash through my mind.
I can hear them calling to each other.
I want to go back. 
I long for the days when the kids were younger.
When they were all in my care.
When I met their needs and cooked and we all sat at the table together.
No candle for a space holder.

And I stop.
 No marriage and a son in law.

No sweet Lilah Rose.

These are not my decisions to make. 
Long before the dawn of time these days were known.
I say so to my farmer when he comes in.
He says not me. I don't want to go back. 
I don't want to lose any ground. Heaven can't come soon enough.
Is it possible to stop living while you're alive?
To become so heaven focused that you're no earthly good?
I think the answer is somewhere in between.
I can't go back. 
There must be beauty in this new journey.
This new family structure.
Cedric pulls the tank and tractor up to the house.

He is so happy. Pure joy.
A farmer friend has blessed us with the use of their equipment.
And our boy is thrilled.
He needs this.
This is the reality now.
I can trust God with all of it. Even in the heart stopping moments.
I need to.
Another unexpected tragedy may happen. We are not immune. 
God is reminding us to;
Be assured that what ever does come our way it has passed through the hands of the Father first.

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love;
 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.


He loves us. Nothing can ever change that love. 
He pursues us with a passion. 
We need to respond. 

Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, 
but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

There will come a time when everything will not pass through the lens of an accident.
Of Police Officers in my home telling me of a terrible loss.
I won't tremble at the sound of sirens.
It's a new day. Won't you join me in starting fresh?
Seeking God; trusting that each moment of today is aptly in his hands.
Resting in the hope of His promises.

"This world has nothing for me 
This life is not my own. . .
I know you go before me and I am not alone.
I know you go with me and I will never fear.
I will trust in you.
Whatever may come our way. . . . we won't be shaken."

When Fear Knocks On Your Door

In the morning when I rise. . .

Fear knocks on the door to my heart.
It's face menacing and unwanted.
His love is greater than my fear.

His love covers over the pain.

His love is enough.

Instead of suffering. 

I sometimes feel like I am suffocating. 

The life and breath being taken. 

Each place I turn uncertainty and concern. 

The way unclear. 

The very earth being pulled from under me. 

Until all I have left;

Is Christ. 
That's it.

Give me Jesus

That's what He wants.

 His love is greater than all my fears. 

I John 4:18

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 

He is all we need. 

You can have all this world. 

When my heart is breaking.
When nothing is going right on the farm
When I long for my son with all my heart.
When I cry out for the cancer to be gone and for depression to flee.
When I am weary from the weight of the unknown.

Just give me Jesus. 

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you,
 for my power is made perfect in weakness." 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.

His love is greater than all my fears.
My farmer will have his scans today.
I will rest in knowing God is greater than all my fears.
I am His and He is mine.
I will walk into Praise.

You can have all this world. 
Give me Jesus.

At The Sound Of His Great Name

"Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name"

~Natalie Grant

This journey is relentless. There is no escape. The weight of grief a daily struggle. 

I cry out. The enemy flees;at the sound of His great name. 

Our fears; have no place at the sound of His great name!

My anguish and my grief have been conquered. 

Do you know that power? 

Have you been washed in the blood? 

Can you stand on His promises?

When your world is shattered and your baby isn't ever coming home; when your mom has died of cancer and your husband now walks this uncertain journey; 

when depression creeps in; the joy thief~

Can you lift your hands high and praise the One who spoke; and order was created? 

I pray this for you.

 Because when life is tough; and the enemy crouches; there is but one place to go. 

This world is riddled with pain. 

Drug abuse is high, addictions soaring. Hurt abounds. 

But there is an enemy that will flee at the sound of "His Great Name."

Dig deep and fight off the demons that lie about your worth. 

Stand firm in the grace and mercy sent for you. 

You are loved. 

You were bought with a price. 

He meets you where you are and loves you enough to mold you into His child. 

Stand strong today on the promises given for you and me. 

The enemy flees; at the sound of His great Name. 

When you step into fear.

 Shout it. 

When you're discouraged call on His name. 

There is a battle. But we have the tools to overcome. 

We can stand strong in the face of adversity. 

All the weak; find their strength; At the sound of Your Great Name.

Fear. . .Slowly Strangles Trust

There are days I just want to make it all go away. 

I just want off this life I am living. 

The path is hard and unforgiving. 

The weight crushing at times. 

I long to shake this skin. 

I long to not ache.

I should be rejoicing. We are done with chemo. We are done with radiation. 
I should be jumping for joy. 
But I can't. We still travel to the hospital. My farmer's weight is dangerously low. Food a necessity. Eating to live. 
His body racks with cough from excess mucus from the radiation.
 His sleep disturbed each night.
I reach out and cling to this verse.

 Isaiah 41:10 
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I have recited these Ancient Words repeatedly since the night of the accident; since the diagnosis of cancer. Fear is a sneaky emotion. It creeps in when you least expect it.
 It slowly strangles trust.
 It leaves you breathless, cold and alone.
 I know. I hang in the balance of fear and trust. 
A journey never difficult for me. Trust has been my guide. Faith my map.
These days the way is slightly marred. 
My heart longs for that which it can not have. My soul knows the way.
And the battle rages.
To trust is to step into the fear; to conquer the journey.
God has equipped us for this journey.
A journey straight through the searing pain and heartache.
He will be there through the journey. He will fight for me.
God always does what He says He will do. 
Always.

 Exodus 14:14
 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

God has our back. He's fighting for you and me. He knows the struggle. He sees the pain.

 He sees the whole picture. Our job is to trust. And be still. 

"In every change. . . He faithful will remain."