A re-posting of: What You Are Unprepared For

These are words I typed out in the dark of the night this day last year. 
A heart longing for direction in the midst of grief. 
A heart that still longs to hear the voice of God. 
A heart still longing for the pieces to be placed back in the fragile shattered heart. 

September 10, 2013 What You Are Unprepared For

What do you do with the book you find;

given to Elijah from Nana on the event of Clarissa's birth?
For a moment your heart skips. . .and you are brought back to that day.
You can hear the sounds.
You can hear your moms voice.
You can see your sons excitement over a present.
He loved books.
Now they both call heaven their home.
Only 7 months apart.
And the ache is deep.
I am still mourning my mom. . .
And now I grieve the loss of our son. . .

Today was a tough day.
I miss my boy.
Yet it was beautiful out.
 I went for a walk.
  I met a friend on her way home from work and she stopped.
She understood.
 She gave me a hug and went on her way.
Sometimes all we need is a hug and a word of reassurance.
My journey needs to continue.
God left me here.
He didn't call me home.
My work is not done.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 
which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I find myself drawn to Elijah's grave.

I don't know why.

He's not there. 

But it is quiet. 

 I read my bible.

I read in I Chronicles about David having the Levites returning the Ark of the Covenant.
David inquired of the LORD how it was to be done.
 I am asking the LORD, how does this grieving happen?

How do we do this?

I Chronicles 16:10, says, 

" Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgments he pronounced. 

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 4
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun: a time to be born and a tine to die. . .a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. 

I know I need to trust with all my heart.
I need to remember what God has done.
He does what He says He will do. 

I need to be open to God's healing. And I need to remain in The Ancient Word. 

I will continue to do these things.
"Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
( 3 beats Elijah played. . .and I long to hear)
let me be singing when the evening comes."

LORD, I want to be singing when the evening comes.
I want to see all your goodness.
And I long to serve you with  all I am.

Psalm 90:4
For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, 
or like a watch in the night. 

How to Unsettle The Unsettling

I didn't get the coffee ready before I went to bed. 

I had a hard time falling asleep.

I was waiting for Clarissa to come home. 

And then I was restless. 

I woke to rain; and to a range of negative emotions. 

Searing loss. A laundry list of tasks to complete. 

Unsettled. 

The mundane.

Yet isn't it only mundane if I choose?

The darkness descends. 

The enemy is subtle in his ways. 

He seeks to discourage and confuse. 

To remind us of our weaknesses. 

Our tasks are offerings. 

Gifts. 

When the mundane creeps in we need to fight. 

First a good strong cup of coffee. 

Fight the urge to stay put. 

Move. 

Acts 17:28

For in him we live and move and have our being.' 

As some of your own poets have said, 

'We are his offspring.'

Move towards something. 

I move towards God's word.

To find a place to be in sweet communion with Him. 

The Author of Life. 

The giver of all good gifts. 

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, 

who does not change like shifting shadows.

We fight the enemy with God's weapons. 

We nail discouragement and the mundane to the wall. 

We step into the grace given for the day. 

The hope available. 

I am turning my lips to praise this morning, even though I feel defeated. 

I am moving, though I want to hide. 

My soul is open to the pouring in. 

Being Holy whole. 

Isn't that what we are here for?

Aren't we new creations in Christ. 

Living for him. 

Repenting of our wayward ways. 

Walking into the forgiveness so freely given. 

The darkness begins to lift. 

The farmhouse is coming alive. 

The urgency of the day calls. 

My soul is stepping into peace. 

May your day be full of movement. 

Movement that leads to a richer and deeper relationship with Christ. 

Do You Know Where You're Headed?

He had less than a week left. Less than a week to live.

Oh how I miss him.
How I long to talk to him; to hear his deep, rich voice.

What about you:  if you had less than a week left?

Do you know you're loved?
Beyond anything you could ask or imagine. 

Do you live with purpose and passion? 

Or has something stolen that passion?
He was passionate. 

He lived life. He grabbed hold of each event with gusto.

He lived with an abandon that teenagers live. 

Never thinking he had a date with eternity in a week. 

He was making plans. 

Promises to a girl. 

Looking to the future. 

Hopes, dreams. 

Do you dream and plan? 

How is your life lived? 

When you wake in the morning do you think about others?

How can you be a blessing?

How can you make a difference today?
We're all headed to the grave.
Each moment edging closer.
Does this fill you with fear?
Or leave you with a sweet joy that no one can take away?
I know where I am going. 
I long for that day.
Even through unspeakable tragedy and loss, I have joy.
I can Praise the One who sustains life.
I know where my son is.
My journeys end; there too.
My life has purpose. 
The surrender holy.
Willingly.
Elijah had no idea he was in his last days.

He was young and implusive.
Yet, the weight of the world often fell on his shoulders.
He pondered heavily the issues of this land.
Often not being able to reconcile his feelings.
The days are numbered.
Each day a step toward eternity.
Does each step count?
Will your life be counted in the Lambs book of Life?
We've been bought with a price.
The price of a life.
A sacrifice; so we might live.
A gift.
Unmerited.
Undeserved.
Yet given.
Freely.
Elijah embraced that gift. 
He wasn't perfect.
None of us are.
I know where he is.
And I am headed there too.

JCC Youth Choir Behold He Comes

Carry On

They take the stage. 

The story about injustice, redemption, and restoration.

Grace. 

A changed life. 

They tell the story through dance. 

I marvel at the ease with which the movements flow. 

These children I bore. 

Expression through dance. 

Restoration. 

We all long for. 

To be made whole. 

Justice. 

Wars begin over injustice. 

Conflict.

Trouble. 

It takes one to start revival. 

Prayer. 

I Thessolonians

 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Desire. 

A life lived surrendered to the One who is Peace. 

Daily laying down one's own Agenda to follow a better plan. 

Place your expectations for today at the foot of the cross. 

Let God guide your path. 

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path

Let Him determine your steps. 

We see the underside of the tapestry. 

He sees the masterpiece. 

I Want To Be Present; Right In The Here And Now

They move the drums. They are taking up space they say.
The little girls are trying to organize the music room.

All that is within me wants to scream. 

He had set them up. 

They are the way he had left them. .. that day. 

The last day he played. 

The last day he did anything on this earth. 

The bass drum ring damaged and in need of replacement.
We had looked into getting it fixed; that last day he was here. 

The last day I have felt normal in 8 months. 

I slowly pull the drum set back out, away from the corner. 

I fight back tears. I keep my voice even and cheery. 

I don't want them to know. 

How could they ever understand, that these are the things I am not ready to let go of yet?

They are the glue.

I close my eyes and picture him sitting on the seat.

 His throne. 

Oh, how I wish I could change the circumstances. 

How I yearn sometimes for a different path. 

But I can't.

This is God's path. 

He knows the plan. 

I don't. 

Elijah now glorified. Sitting with the Father himself.

And I push hard, against the searing pain. 

They call me. 

They want me to see what they have done. 

They have moved the drums back. 

They have hung a poster from the Memorial Fund, Fundraiser.

How can I be left undone so quickly. 

I smile at them and tell them what a great job they have done. 

They really have. 

I want to be present; right in the here and now. 

I breathe deep. I cling to what I know. 

Do not fear for I am with you. 

This is what faith is, 

It is trusting in the unseen.

It is the dark moment being illuminated by the light of Christ. 

Right in the moment. 

We talk about memories they have.
We rejoice for the time we had.
 We live right in the moment.
Clinging to what we know. 

At The Sound Of His Great Name

"Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name"

~Natalie Grant

This journey is relentless. There is no escape. The weight of grief a daily struggle. 

I cry out. The enemy flees;at the sound of His great name. 

Our fears; have no place at the sound of His great name!

My anguish and my grief have been conquered. 

Do you know that power? 

Have you been washed in the blood? 

Can you stand on His promises?

When your world is shattered and your baby isn't ever coming home; when your mom has died of cancer and your husband now walks this uncertain journey; 

when depression creeps in; the joy thief~

Can you lift your hands high and praise the One who spoke; and order was created? 

I pray this for you.

 Because when life is tough; and the enemy crouches; there is but one place to go. 

This world is riddled with pain. 

Drug abuse is high, addictions soaring. Hurt abounds. 

But there is an enemy that will flee at the sound of "His Great Name."

Dig deep and fight off the demons that lie about your worth. 

Stand firm in the grace and mercy sent for you. 

You are loved. 

You were bought with a price. 

He meets you where you are and loves you enough to mold you into His child. 

Stand strong today on the promises given for you and me. 

The enemy flees; at the sound of His great Name. 

When you step into fear.

 Shout it. 

When you're discouraged call on His name. 

There is a battle. But we have the tools to overcome. 

We can stand strong in the face of adversity. 

All the weak; find their strength; At the sound of Your Great Name.

Remembering Sandy Hook

To touch your face.

To hear your voice

I listen for sounds on the stair that only you made.

I lie in bed and run through the night you died over and over;

I sent you a text, I woke at 11 and noticed you still weren't home. . . in those moments you were

alive. Those moments threaten to haunt me. 

I struggle to know the answers. I struggle to find purpose. . .how do you live life without your son? What do you do with the memories? Where do you go when the hurt threatens to engulf?

Today is the anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. Don't we all remember exactly where we were when the awful news unraveled? I can still feel the pit in my stomach as we watched in horror the events of that day. I contacted someone I didn't know who graduated from my Alma Mater, whose child had been taken from him; just because I needed to do something. We all felt that way. Shock, horror and disgust raged as more information was learned.

 How can there be such evil in this place?

And instead of evil personified, the light shone forth. 

John 1:5

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Families refused to let the events of December 14 cripple or destroy the light that always penetrates the darkness. I remember the valiant courage of families as they sought to celebrate the lives of their children rather than the evil that tore their lives from them. 

And I remember thinking it is so wrong for mama's to bury their babies. 

My mom had been placed in the deep of the earth less than a week before the shootings and the waves of grief were so intense. The world continued to spin and time marched on. 

And it continued to march until July 28th when our world shattered and our son was torn from this life. And at the time, a piece of all of us died along with Elijah. 

We are changed. 

We are different. Everything I look at or touch is seen through a new lens. 

I go Christmas shopping with a friend.  I have one less child to shop for.  Yet instead of searing pain, there is a peace. A deep down peace that is slowly moving. Years past it takes me weeks of shopping to take care of my list. This year. It is one day. 

That is all I have. 

Next week is full of radiation and chemo and all things cancer.  

The sales person that waits on us haunts me as we shop. 

I can't make the fog lift enough to recall where I know him. 

Did I have him in kindergarten years ago? 

I knew he had waited on me once before.

 But the revelation didn't come until he wrote his name out.

  He was a friend of Elijah's; a few years older. 

And when I said who I was, that grown boy walked right around the counter and gave me a hug. He shared how he respected Elijah so much and how he was one of the finest people he knew. 

He too has lost much this past summer. And pain is a constant friend. 

This gentle hug in the midst of doing a hard thing is a gift that could have been missed. 

Elijah can't return to me.

 But the reminder of the impact he made on others can return to me, over and over. 

A child's life may be torn from this earth.

 But the light will always overcome the darkness.

And as we remember Sandy Hook and hold those families tight in our prayers, 

may the light of this Advent Season, in the form of a holy child, penetrate 

even the darkest corner of your being. 

He has come to bring light.

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, 

but will have the light of life."

He has come to bring salvation to a hurting world.

This rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus features pianist, Anthony Burger who was suddenly called to his heavenly home while performing. 

He is a marvelous musician. 

My mother adored him and now, I like to think she is singing the Hallelujah Chorus in the heavenly choir (and I am sure she is wearing purple), while Anthony plays, and 

my drummer boy plays the tympani. 

Anthony Burger and the Hallelujah Chorus