A re-posting of: What You Are Unprepared For

These are words I typed out in the dark of the night this day last year. 
A heart longing for direction in the midst of grief. 
A heart that still longs to hear the voice of God. 
A heart still longing for the pieces to be placed back in the fragile shattered heart. 

September 10, 2013 What You Are Unprepared For

What do you do with the book you find;

given to Elijah from Nana on the event of Clarissa's birth?
For a moment your heart skips. . .and you are brought back to that day.
You can hear the sounds.
You can hear your moms voice.
You can see your sons excitement over a present.
He loved books.
Now they both call heaven their home.
Only 7 months apart.
And the ache is deep.
I am still mourning my mom. . .
And now I grieve the loss of our son. . .

Today was a tough day.
I miss my boy.
Yet it was beautiful out.
 I went for a walk.
  I met a friend on her way home from work and she stopped.
She understood.
 She gave me a hug and went on her way.
Sometimes all we need is a hug and a word of reassurance.
My journey needs to continue.
God left me here.
He didn't call me home.
My work is not done.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 
which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I find myself drawn to Elijah's grave.

I don't know why.

He's not there. 

But it is quiet. 

 I read my bible.

I read in I Chronicles about David having the Levites returning the Ark of the Covenant.
David inquired of the LORD how it was to be done.
 I am asking the LORD, how does this grieving happen?

How do we do this?

I Chronicles 16:10, says, 

" Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgments he pronounced. 

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 4
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun: a time to be born and a tine to die. . .a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. 

I know I need to trust with all my heart.
I need to remember what God has done.
He does what He says He will do. 

I need to be open to God's healing. And I need to remain in The Ancient Word. 

I will continue to do these things.
"Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
( 3 beats Elijah played. . .and I long to hear)
let me be singing when the evening comes."

LORD, I want to be singing when the evening comes.
I want to see all your goodness.
And I long to serve you with  all I am.

Psalm 90:4
For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, 
or like a watch in the night. 

Do They Sing Happy Birthday In Heaven?

 It's another year. 
Your birthday.
 I miss you.
You'd be turning 19.

You've spent your 18th and now 19th birthday  in heaven. 

Away from me; away from your family- 

but present with the Lord. 

What I wouldn't give to celebrate with you.

My heart so desperately wants this to be different. 

To have you here. With us.

I won't dance a mother's dance at your wedding. 

But we'll share a wedding feast some day; 

grander than anything this earth could provide. 

Some days the ache is so great I literally propel myself forward. 

Clinging to the Ancient promises. 

There are days that joy seeps through. 

The power of the Holy Spirit great. 

Peace of a life lived in grace. 

As I celebrate the life I had with you; those 17 years.

I rest in gratitude. 

I am who I am because of who you were. 

Your stubbornness and constant questioning challenged me. 

Today, I see things differently because of you. 

You made me a mom. 

You satisfied my longing for a child after our first journeyed to heaven. 

I will always be grateful.

You have left us a gift with your testimony. 

Even through the deep and searing ache I will rejoice for my time with you. 

I will choose to walk to gratitude.
To turn my eyes to the joy. 

So happy 19th birthday Elijah. 

It is also your enlistment date.
You would have served a whole year.

Now you've enlisted in the greatest Corps there ever will be.
Oh the joy that you are experiencing.
I rest in that thought, when the missing overwhelms.
We're still going to celebrate you today.
I am going to remember all the celebrations.
You, my son, will always remain in my heart.
Never far from my thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," 
declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth,
 so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

And. . . He's Off

He's heading off to college this morning. 

Elijah's friend. 

Ditching Marines for the Army. 

On an ROTC scholarship. 

So stinking proud of him. 

There is a dance of fine emotion in my being. 

A reminder of how much I miss my son. 

Yet, a glimpse into the goodness of God. 

I will pray for this young man and wait with great expectation to see where God will lead him. 

I will miss his "stop ins."

Though they have become less frequent. 

I will continue to pray for the young people heading back to school. 

They have been such a blessing to me. 

Time is moving on.

I can not hold the tide. 

I will embrace the journey. 

Rest in the strength of the Lord. 

I am looking forward to the stories and visits that will come. 

There is still a lot of living to do. 

There are many who need to hear the message. 

A Savior died for them.

Grace given freely. 

A solid rock on which to stand. 

As new journeys begin, may we have eyes to see the goodness of God. 

May love flow from us as we be the hands and feet of Jesus. 

Genesis 31:49

May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.

How a Community Grieves; A Year Later

Another repost from the archives. These days are still so fresh as we journey forward. We have had many, many visitors this year to the farm. Friends I have not seen in years, bringing hugs and love. All trying to make some sense of this difficult time. It has been a year of grace and trusting through the storms. Our farmhouse doors will remain open. We will walk the journey in this life with bowed knee and eyes lifted to the heavens. 

Psalm 121:1-4

I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

July 29, 204
How A Community Grieves a year later.
The teens and their families gather together. 
Their words are few. 
All remembering. 
All stepping forward. 
College. 
Jobs. 
A future. 

We remember. 

One year ago today. 

July 31, 2013

The day we welcomed our Community in to say Good Bye. 

What we received was completely unexpected. 

A town, a church, friends, family all affected by the life of such a wonderful young man. 

We had no idea. 

We had visitors again.

This time they received an open invitation.

They didn't have to come. 

It was just an offering. 

But come they did.

Young, old, students. friends, teachers, 

some whom we had never met, relatives. 

They came.

Broken, shattered with grief. 

When a community mourns. 

You don't feel alone.

For moments you're so supported.

We did not see this . We had no idea how long people were waiting. . 

Waiting to hold us and whisper love into our hearts. 

I didn't want the day to end. 

I knew what it meant.

I know what comes next.

The sum of a young man's life presented in the parlor of his home.

 Laid to rest where other relatives have predeceased him. 

None so young.

Treasures and stores of memories

Crazy Children

Lots of Love

 Blessings

And now Grace

We will miss hearing you play today; 

I bet the heavenly choir will be rockin'

But we know without a shadow of a doubt we will see him again. 

I love this song by JJ Heller

May you find peace an comfort today. 

May you rest in the everlasting arms of the LORD. 

If you don't have a relationship with Christ 

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

JJ Heller Your Hands

Never, Ever Give Up

I climb the stairs. 

A routine established each night. 

His door is the first at the top of the stairs. 

Everything is so quiet.

Two are at camp. 

One in heaven. 

I make a comment on face book about wanting to keep my kids young. 

The responses are interesting. 

No, they say. 

You want them to grow up and enjoy all they will become. 

Right now, those thoughts are hard to embrace. 

When they were young they were all here. 

They were safe. 

We have enjoyed the oldest.

College. 

Moving to Maine. 

Wedding. 

New Life. 

Even in the midst of death and cancer we have rejoiced. 

We have felt the rhythm of the cycles. 

Drawn forward. 

Willingly or not. 

It is hard to look into the future. 

A future that does not include Elijah. 

It is so wrong. 

Yet it is the reality. 

So no, I don't want my kids to grow up right now. 

But they will. 

Time will march on. 

We will live through the Anniversary of the accident. 

Clarissa will graduate. 

I will place my worry and cares at the foot of the cross. 

I will voice every fear I have; loudly and repeatedly until they have no voice.

Living fully is my desire. 

God hears our cries for mercy. 

He continually sends grace. 

He is my comfort, my hope and my rock. 

It is through him the fullness will come. 

Trusting each moment of the journey. 

Today, Elijah had 4 days left. 

Make your days count. 

Give that grace. 

Take a deeper breath. 

Call the estranged friend. 

Repair the damage in the marriage. 

Hold your child a little longer. 

Speak life giving words into their soul. 

Step into hope. 

Never, ever give up. 

Hebrews 6:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

 It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

I Snapped The Memory

I wake and I can feel the oppression. 

It is heavy. 

The weight of loss; the ache. 

Sometimes it's so hard to pray. 

I don't know what to say. 

It feels trivial. 

I've said it a hundred times already. 

God please be with me. Please, do not leave me. 

I pray Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I say the verse over and over. 

I long for Him to strengthen me. 

To hold me. 

These days are hard. 

I will take the kids to camp on Sunday. 

It will be a year since Cedric has seen his brother. 

Cedric went to camp for a week,

He came home and went straight to the haying field. 

He never saw Elijah. 

I am so grateful I took this picture. 

Taken with the iPhone I didn't want to get. 

Still learning how to use it; I snapped a memory. 

These boys had fought so much through their growing years. 

Both strong willed; determined. 

Heads butting over menial issues. 

Lately though, things had begun to change. 

There was a comaraderie. 

A new appreciation for each other. 

Elijah's departure to the Marine's looming. 

They were changing. 

My farmer and I were reveling in the dinner conversations and harmony 

that was descending as these boys matured. 

I snapped the memory. 

Now that is all there is left. 

Did my spirit know and understand how monumental this moment was?

This wasn't a typical moment. 

Elijah reached in the car, to hug his brother. 

It would be the last. 

I am grateful I have this photo. 

The memory etched clearly in my mind. 

Gifts of photo's of each of the kids taken within the last year. 

Moments of grace given. 

Gifts that did not have to be bestowed. 

They were. 

Even in death God is present and active. 

He has never stopped working His purpose. 

Even in the raw and hard. 

I will bow my knee low to the ground today as I walk this weary road. 

I will wait upon the risen Lord to fill my soul with his abounding love. 

Psalm 121:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

All In The Same Moment

This time last year we had been in Maine. 

We came home. 

It was so quiet. 

 No white tornado puppy to great us. 

I had been thinking about our home going and what it would be like. 

How quickly my son would experience that journey. 

Each step of every day draws me closer to the anniversary of the day. 

We attended a Birthday for a sweet One year old. 

We sang Happy Birthday and she opened her presents. 

On the TV ran photos of my children when they were little. 

Pictures of Elijah. 

His blue eyes sparkling. 

The kids so little. 

How quickly it all went. 

It seems like yesterday, my kids were the ones celebrating their first birthdays. 

Now I am about to recognize the first Anniversary of my sons death. 

It's wrong. 

So very wrong. 

I feel like I have been in a bubble this past year. 

Between the deaths and the cancer something has been askew. 

There has been one constant that has been right. 

Each moment held by grace. 

Wrapped in love. 

Feet planted firmly. 

My go to place.

The solid rock.

Psalm 18:31

For who is God besides the LORD?

 And who is the Rock except our God?

My faith in Jesus Christ. 

If you have children. 

Slow down. 

Love more. 

Laugh at inappropriate times. 

Take yourself a little less seriously. 

Talk about God. 

A lot. 

Teach your children to pray. 

To love; with every act. 

To be respectful. 

Go to church. 

Live in a Community that knows your name.
And even if they don't, they will still love on you. 

Find ways to be creative. 

Say I love you. 

All the time. 

Even when you don't feel like it. 

Trust God. 

Breathe deeply. 

Always kiss them good bye when they leave. 

Always.

Hold tight; yet let them spread their wings and fly. 

All in the same moment. 

The Wonderful Cross

It's more than I deserve. 

2 different places. 

3 different testimonies.

All affected by 1 life. 

A life that wasn't perfect. 

But pointed to the One that is. 

I listen to Senior testimonies. 

New beginning's in the horizon.

A life hurt by the loss of his friend. 

July 28, 2013 etched in his young mind for ever. 

Questions raised throughout the year. 

Hearts hurting. 

But the power of the holy spirit was working in his heart. 

And God's love broke through the barriers and the hurt 

and reminded that pilgrim along this journey of His power and His might. 

And he shared that. 

He disregarded his carefully thought out testimony and shared from the deep place in his soul. 

And this mama was blessed. 

The second testimony reminded us of our need; our dependence on God for our future. 

He too walking with the deep loss of Elijah's friendship. 

How God uses those moments to allow me to see the impact my sons life is still having. 

The day became even sweeter as Clarissa and I went to witness 

her friend enter the waters of Baptism. 

A long awaited decision. 

New life. 

Matthew 28:19

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, 

baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,

A decision we learned was influenced by a young man who fell asleep 

at the wheel and was suddenly called home.

 July 28, 2013 forever etched in her young mind. 

Elijah's death prompted the deep questions we all wrestle with; 

Where am I going?

Even in Elijah's death God began the redemptive work in others. 

This is a gift. 

This is unmerited Grace and Mercy. 

Neither of which I deserve. 

God chooses at will to bring about the purposes He deems. 

To see this glimpse is holy.

 I am grateful. 

To stand this side of eternity is the hardest walk I have ever had to do. 

I long with all my heart for my boy. 

My soul aches for him. 

 To see purpose and God's mighty hand at work is powerful. 

Knowing souls are being ushered into the kingdom is humbling.

There is much rejoicing in the heavens.

The day has left me exhausted, grateful, sad, encouraged. . .(Elijah hated my use of ellipses)

The cross will remain my guide. 

Surrender my work. 

I will wait upon the Lord. 

He will renew my weary soul. 

He will bring about His purposes.

In His Time.

Oh that wonderful cross. 

Oh that wonderful cross

bids me come and die 

and find that I may truly live

He Called Me "Tink"

He called me "Tink". 

Not one to show emotions or say endearing words.
Later it was thunder thighs.
His way of showing; teasing; by doing. 

A new deck. 

Remodel a room. 

My go between in a volatile relationship with mom.

Each week a different city for his job, he clocked many miles on his car. 

But he made it for my concerts. Showing up to surprise me. 

Fishing trips. 

Last minute Christmas shopping for mom. 

Drinks and hot dog night at the Yacht Club

Planning moms surprise 40th birthday party. 

Talking on the boat as we listened to the clips keep time on the masts. 

Now, we eat popsicles and read jokes.

We watch Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and NCIS.

The memory thief  creeping in. 

Our conversations on the phone, repetitive.
A steady cadence I have grown to love.
This man who provided and loved in his own way.
His dad gone when he was 12.
Staunchly concerned about our image;  good grades.
Kind words.
Work hard.
Keep your nose clean, he would say.
Into everyone's life a little rain must fall.
He went to a different church.
But drove us to our Sunday School every week without fail.
No options.
No discussion.
I am grateful for that. 
We'd come home to Sunday dinner at it's finest.
Roast, potatoes, carrots.
Rolls.
We'd gather in the dining room.
I think back as to how he must have needed that time alone at home.
His home.
The home my mom meticulously care for.
His cooking; a way of serving. 

Chin up, Shoulders straight, Fly right,  He would tell us.
No matter how rough it gets.
God balanced the sweetness of mom with the practical of dad.

Dad's best advice to me was, marry your best friend. 
And I did. 
I inherited a Father in Law that words can not describe.
His love and devotion to his family beyond all things.
We miss him dearly.
His work ethic like none I have ever seen. . .
except in my husband. 

I have been blessed by a wonderful earthly Father and a devoted Father in Law.
God went further to allow me the gift of  watching my husband with his children.
Through the loss of a child; birth of a granddaughter and, the ravages of cancer and depression;

 I fall to my knees in awe and appreciation.
There stands a Godly man.

A Godly example of strength in the midst of grief.



Grit in the midst of cancer.
Faith through it all.

We have received much. 
Happy Father's Day;  Dad, Clayton and Gary.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance 
about what we do not see.

The Child Who Has Taught Me All About Timing, Is 15 Today

I wake with a start. 

The pressure strange. 

I struggle to my feet. 

The waters of life stir. 

It's time. 

I call the hospital. 

I call my mother in law. 

My farmer wakes as the alarm rings. 

His normal waking hour. 

I let him know it's time. 

This child already in tune with the milking schedule.

With 3 sleeping children in the house, we head toward life. 

It is quick. 

We barely make it to the hospital before the final pushes. 

Fast and furious. 

He arrives. 

A surprise.

We always wait. 

Cedric Trevor Davis.

Named for the Grandfather taken too soon; who worked and toiled the land.

Our precious son.

We are blessed.

The recovery easy.

Life continues.

Marches on.

Year after year. 

He is 15 today.

He will take his permit test tomorrow. 

It's time. 

He has grown 4 inches since we buried his brother. 

He stands head and shoulders above me.

He wrestles with all that life has thrown him. 

Part wreckless, part staunch responsibility. 

This boy who arrived so quickly and hasn't stopped since, is my joy.
He who does all, in his own timing.

There is something about mama's and their boys. 

One for me is no more. I hold onto this one.

I pray I don't hold too tight. 

I pray that God will spare him and his siblings. 

I plead for more time. 

I beg Him to allow the angel of death to never pass this way too early again. 

But was it too early?

All is in the palm of God's hand. 

All in it's time. 

I will spend a life time in knots if I hang on the edge.
Waiting on His timing takes all.

Reaching again for grace, I hold on to the now. 
Resting in the plan by One wiser than I. 
Knowing that all is in it's time.

The birth. 

The joy. The glory.
The memories. 

We celebrate. 

We rejoice.

Happy 15th Birthday Cedric.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens: