Until it Was Gone

Fear just up and left. 

I am not kidding. 

I have felt it living in my bones. 

Crippling me at times. 

Needing to grasp and hold on tightly. 

The moment one of the kids gets into the car. 

When they are gone for long periods of time. 

When they want to go to a friends. 

The constant need for a call; to be in touch. 

To hear their voice. 

Secretly wanting them all in the house. 

In their rooms. 

Going no where. 

It has paralyzed me. 

And I didn't even know it. 

Looking back, 

it began the morning of the accident. 

I remember the squeeze on my heart. 

My farmer and now only son, went to church. 

To share the news of what had happened. 

I could barely breathe while they were gone; 

waiting for their return. 

Would they? 

For two and a half years. 

This has plagued me. 

Fear had set up residence in the deepest 

part of my soul and I didn't even know it. 

Each time someone left. 

The undercurrent of fear. 

Living. 

In me. 

Tightly squeezing the life out of me. 

The phone call that the tumor was cancer. 

It is only now that I remember, the fear digging in deeper. 

The clutch on my heart. 

Deep. 

I didn't know it held this power. 

Until it was gone. 

Until the farm boy poked his head in the door and said, 

"I'm home. I had such a good time. "

At that moment I realized. 

I had gone to bed when a child was out. 

I had placed my head on the pillow and sweet sleep had the last word. 

My usual stance of sitting on the couch nurturing my anxious heart,

 until they returned, was not a part of the picture. 

When I opened my eyes in the early hours of the morning;

 the burden was gone. 

The weight I carried. 

Lifted. 

Fear had paralyzed me and I hadn't even known. 

What burdens do you carry needlessly? 

Search hard. 

You may never know until they're gone. 

Fear had gripped so tightly I was unaware. 

The tension in my soul: unable to identify. 

Until it was gone. 

The peace in my soul this morning is a gift. 

Isaiah 66:12

For this is what the LORD says: "I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees.

There is so much about this journey of living 

without your child that is hard to put into words. 

The constant ache and longing for which can never be. 

But fear. 

That is different. 

God is so clear on fear. 

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. 

But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

It is just like the enemy to take our situations and throw them up in our faces. 

As I have been praying lately,

 I have asked God to expose those things that keep me from him. 

That keep me from sweet intimacy with my God. 

From experiencing all He has to offer 

This is the first,

 I am sure, of the many ways He is working in me. 

To use, Elijah's home going for HIS glory. 

The relief of this burden that I did not know I was carrying is a gift. 

Another measure of grace. 

Of mercy. 

Seek the sweetness of God's mercy. 

Lay down those burdens that weigh so heavily my friends. 

We sang this song at Elijah's funeral. 

We sang with strength. 

We raised our hands to Praise our living God. 

Because even in the midst of the deepest pain; 

even when the tempest rages, 

we can say, "It is well, with my soul."

Each time we sing it I am grateful fir the message it brings. 

Horatio Spafford lost much. 

Yet his soul was held in the hands of the One who can take all this brokeness and shape it into something beautiful. 

Selah

It is Well with My Soul

30 Days of Thankfulness. . . . Are you in?

Are you in? 

Are you willing to count your blessings? 

Can you name them. . . one by one. . . ?

When death and cancer knocked on our door;

we stepped into praise. 

When the path has seemed so long and hard;

we've stepped into Praise. 

Won't you join us on a grateful walk? 

Be purposeful in turning to praise?

No matter the walk. 

No matter how hard. 

Turn it to praise. 

I'm trying. 

Psalm 92

 It is good to praise the LORD and make music to your name,

 O Most High,

~ 30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

The ways in which God surprises me as I walk this journey

my children and their uniqueness

Starlit nights

A home full of kids

friends who never let go

A visit from a college friend who stands at the grave and says, 

"Tell me about Elijah."

bonfires

Crisp, quiet mornings

The Ancient Word

Farming

my farmer

coffee

lessons I am learning; even in the struggle

Our new Guest House venture

knowing we are held

I'd love for you to join me in this journey. 

Share our link. 

Leave a comment. 

Let's see what God will do when we join together to be thankful. 

Psalm 107:1

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,for his steadfast love endures forever!

Fragmented to Repurposed

It's broken. 

This beautiful mug. 

It came in a package. 

From Germany. 

With love. 

A college room mate. 

A friend. 

Packed a box full of love. 

It made me laugh and cry. 

A hug from so far away. 

But one mug was broken. 

And it made me sad. 

Until. . . 

I held the fragments in my hands. 

Fragments. 

Fragmented. 

The way I feel. 

Most of the time. 

In pieces. 

Broken. 

Useless. 

Worthless. 

Spent. 

Fragmented. 

The pieces sat on the farm house table. 

Moved from one place to another. 

Until. . . 

Our friend Harold was sitting at the table. 

The engineer in him needed to put the puzzle together. 

He needed to solve the problem. 

Fix it. 

He glued each of those pieces back. 

Painstakingly tedious. 

Restored. 
Useful.
With a different purpose.
By a master. 

And there it was. 

The broken cup. 

So beautiful. 

Genuine. 

The pieces placed together again. 

The broken places visible. 

Imperfect. 

Not able to hold that hot, steamy liquid I so love. 

As I turned the mug over in my hands. 

It struck me. 

Repurpose.

Changing. 

Even the fragments from a broken mug can have a purpose. 

It's use; forever changed. 

Yet, still. 

A purpose. 
Some still unknown. 
A reminder. 
God takes the broken. 

He repurposes. 

He restores. 
Oh how he loves us. 
He will take this broken vessel.
He will take all this hurt and ache. 
He will use it for His glory. 
To bring Honor and glory to His name. 

I will never be the same. 
I am broken. 
I am tired. 
I am weary. 
Our God though. . . 

Psalm 121:4
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

He watches over all. 

It's been 27 months, 
on a journey I did not initiate. 
I trip I never planned.
A path I do not like. 
A way I must travel. 

With each breath I have left,
with each step I take. 
I will sing praise. 
I will keep my eyes turned heavenward. 

Psalm 121:1
 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

The Farmette is Two!!!

The farmette is two today!

Surprise text I received when Chelsea and my dear friend, who now resides with the King of Kings, came to visit. That was my house!! 

She surprised me with a visit!

She turned one! 

And now she's two!

Where does the time go? 

When I sent Chelsea the picture of the beautiful sunrise,

this morning, which reminded me of Elijah's home going. . . 

She said, maybe he is saying Happy Birthday to Lilah. 

I think so. 

Happy 2nd Birthday Lilah Rose! 

Looking forward to seeing all God will do your life. 

I wonder if you will drink coffee, with mommy and Gram-Tam? 

You know, the important things. 

We love you! 

Until Then. . .

The world has stopped once again.

The memory of the deep searing ache prevalent. 

And now my farmer's sister knows that ache. 

Another cousin now resides in Glory. 

The boy who used my tapered candles as num chucks as he danced from one end of the couch to the other 
while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

Perpetual Motion. 

Eyes sparkling with boundless energy. 

Curiosity oozing from every pore. 

Mischief; the ring leader of the pack of cousins. 

The first one to laugh. 

The first one to cry. 
The first one to repent. 
The first to offer a hug. 

Deep love running through his veins. 

 He lived and knew amazing grace. 

He worked hard. 
He loved hard. 
He now resides with Jesus. 

This big farm family is gathering together. 

We're wrapping our arms around each other. 

Pulling in tight. 

We're reaching deep. 

I Thessalonians 4:13-14
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

We grieve with hope. 
Hope in a future with our loved ones. 
Hope in a time when there will be no more tears. 
No more sorrow. 

Hold tight my friends. 
The time will come. 
Until then. 
We who are still here; we have work to do. 
Make each moment count. 
Bend that knee before the Almighty. 
Seek repentance and restoration. 

Through it all we are able to say;

It is well with our souls. 

Until we meet again Micah. 
You will be missed every moment of every day. 



Selah
You Raise Me Up


You raise me up to stand on mountains. 
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas. 
I am strong when I am on your shoulders. 
You raise me up to more than I can be. 

Summer, Please Don't End

Milking is finished. 
The cows are heading to pasture. 

It is unseasonably warm. 
(with NO humidity!)

A glorious sunrise. 

Hot coffee. 
The Ancient word. 

Taking time to -
Stop
And thank God for:

This sunrise
the beautiful weather
(and NO hudimity!)
lots of coffee
A slower day
grace for the journey
friendship
new adventures
music
learning in the struggle
fall

baking
did I mention coffee? 
farm table visits

new employees
warm breeze
Sheets on the line

and coffee


May your day be filled with immeasurable grace. 
Attempt to not complain about one thing. 
At all. 
Look for the thankful moments. 
Be the hands and feet of Jesus to just one person. 

Let me know how this works for you. 

Blessings on this day. 

Psalm 19:1
The heavens declare the glory of God;
 the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

She Wore Her Brother's Cap and Gown

She wore her brothers cap and gown. 

The same cap he threw into the air, 2 years ago. 

The same cap I asked him to go back in to get. 

It was unique. 

He would be able to find it. 

I just wanted that cap.

The cap and gown I would display at his wake just 40 days later. 

She wrapped herself in his gown. 
 And wore his cap. 

She walked to the tune of  graduation, hope and future wrapped in his gown. 

The cap, forever announcing 2013. 

The year everything changed. 

 With out so much as a deep breathe we changed gears.

College Orientation. 

They steal my daughter away. 

I head off to listen to the speaker. 

His words.

The words of one of Clarissa's classmates - haunt me. 

"The paper is blank, you have the tool to do the writing.
The unknown before you. You are in control. You will do the writing."

Both speakers. 

2 separate occasions. 

The same idea. 

An unknown future. 

A blank slate. 

You're in control. 

I want to stand up and shout. 

My soul aches. 

Deep ache. 

They have missed a great truth. 

They have missed the greatest news on earth. 

And I was silent. 

It has tormented me. 

Our lives are not a blank page. 

There is not a blank slate, waiting for you to write out the plan. 

Oh, my dear friends. 

There is a loving and compassionate God with a plan far greater that you can ever imagine. 

There is a divine Creator, who has created you with a plan and purpose long before the foundations of the world began. 

He has placed in our hearts the desire to worship and serve him. 

He longs to fill the pages of your life with His wisdom. 

We are not alone. 

We are not in control. 

There is purpose and hope far beyond anything our minds could ever grasp. 

There is hope. 

I think on this because between, deep loss, 

ambulance rides and change these things are important. 

I don't want to lose sight of the promises God has placed before us. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Not only is there a plan; but He will walk every step with us. 

My daughter's future is not an empty page. 

It was written and stamped long ago. 

She will, with God's help discover that path and become all He longs for her to be. 

The road with be riddled with success and pain. 

It already has. 

Yet through the strength of out heavenly Father we press on. 

We seek. 

We praise. 

We learn. 

We grow. 

All in His timing. 

All for His purposes. 

And oh, what a glorious purpose and plan. 

Things are changing again, 

The living room is piled with her life's posessions. 
We have gathered the most needed items to survive college. 

But I know in my heart. 
The only "thing" she needs is Jesus. 
Because that ground never moves.
He never, ever changes, 

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I send her off knowing that her page is not blank. 
That a loving, a merciful Savior has ordained her days. 
That joy and peace await her; even in the struggle. 
I am planting my feet on the ground that does not shift. 
I am lifting my hands high in praise. 
I am letting go of the ache and pain that threaten to choke out the beauty of these days. 
Here we stand on the threshold of a new beginning. 

Won't you join me in letting go? 
Stand on the rock that is immovable. 
Embrace the journey no matter how hard it may be. 
God will see you through. 

Here we go baby girl. 
I love you with every fiber of my being. 

You are God's child. 

You are loved. 

He will use you to bring about His amazing plan. 

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 
according to his power that is at work within us,

The Surprise In A Friendship; When You Were Expecting To Be Alone

Her rich, deep voice is directed towards us. 

Her eyes sparkling. 

I answer her question. 

She exudes joy with a touch of mischief. 

We exchange pleasantries. 

As in all conversations there comes a defining moment. 

She shares that she lost 3 of her siblings in a matter of months. 

My heart lurches with the known pain of losing so many in a matter of months. 

I hug her. 

And a friendship is born. 

Decades apart in age. 

Unity in the Spirit. 

In the morning session she comes running down to greet us. 

As I should have known a link to my mom would be there. 

My mom knew everyone. 

Or knew someone related to someone. 

And here this dear woman's niece dug deep with my mom in bible study. 

Cried out to God in prayer together. 

A link. 

Encouragement in the Body of Christ. 

I listen as this woman tells bits and piece of her story. 

Gary and I; intrigued. 

At 78 she has more energy than the both of us put together. 

She is witty and bright. 

And I want to be just like her when I grow up. 

I want the love of Christ to define who I am and shine in all I do. 

I want to have experienced all that I can. 

She regales us with story after story. 

And I know that this is a gift. 

A treasure. 

God has come along side of me in human form. 

He has sent a companion to laugh with and learn from. 

I marvel at the goodness of God. 

This week has been good. 

A week of unexpected alone time. 

Rich in peace and quiet. 

Overflowing with solid study and teaching. 

Each day is a gift. 

Even when they are hard. 

There is much to learn.