It's Here! Day #20 of Thankfulness

It's here.

Today's the day. 

I head to CT to get my girl. 

I can't wait. 

~ 30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
Coming home
friends who take the day to travel with me
the freedom to travel down and back in a day
my farmers sense of humor
family
coffee
thoughts of stopping to get coffee on the trip
bible study; encouraging my walk with God
our dog snuggling at my feet
going to bed- oh how I love to go to bed
one end of the house getting fixed - it was so bad
this Thanksgiving season to intentionally name my thanks
the hope of Glory
the strength for each day


This act of naming gratitude is hard some days. 
May your walk of gratitude change you. 

May you be encouraged this day no matter what you are facing. 
May deep joy find you where ever you are. 

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

An Empty Bed

He didn't come home that night. 

His bed was empty. 

Last night she didn't come home. 

Her bed was empty. 

It's been 25 months since I have seen that
 red headed boy of mine. 

2 years and 1 month. 

And how my heart still aches. 

Somehow times marches on. 

In some ways I am stuck. 

And will always be. 

On July, 28, 2013. 

A piece of my heart that remains, there. 

She, on the other hand. 

Has flown the nest. 

Spreading her wings. 

We moved her into her dorm room. 

So much ahead of her. 

But, that. 

Is what we call success. 

That red head has graduated too. 

To the place we all long to be. 

The place for which we were created. 

Somehow. 

Her journey; more elevated. 

These are the things I ponder. 

On which my mind ruminates. 

The new path is begun. 

I'm filling this day with many things that need to be done. 

I am choosing to trust. 

I can feel the prayers of people. 

Moments of despair pass over me. 

Yet I am pulled to that place of peace. 

Heaven is our forever home. 

Earth our temporary one. 

I am going to eat lots of ice cream. 
Because ice cream makes everything better. 

She Wore Her Brother's Cap and Gown

She wore her brothers cap and gown. 

The same cap he threw into the air, 2 years ago. 

The same cap I asked him to go back in to get. 

It was unique. 

He would be able to find it. 

I just wanted that cap.

The cap and gown I would display at his wake just 40 days later. 

She wrapped herself in his gown. 
 And wore his cap. 

She walked to the tune of  graduation, hope and future wrapped in his gown. 

The cap, forever announcing 2013. 

The year everything changed. 

 With out so much as a deep breathe we changed gears.

College Orientation. 

They steal my daughter away. 

I head off to listen to the speaker. 

His words.

The words of one of Clarissa's classmates - haunt me. 

"The paper is blank, you have the tool to do the writing.
The unknown before you. You are in control. You will do the writing."

Both speakers. 

2 separate occasions. 

The same idea. 

An unknown future. 

A blank slate. 

You're in control. 

I want to stand up and shout. 

My soul aches. 

Deep ache. 

They have missed a great truth. 

They have missed the greatest news on earth. 

And I was silent. 

It has tormented me. 

Our lives are not a blank page. 

There is not a blank slate, waiting for you to write out the plan. 

Oh, my dear friends. 

There is a loving and compassionate God with a plan far greater that you can ever imagine. 

There is a divine Creator, who has created you with a plan and purpose long before the foundations of the world began. 

He has placed in our hearts the desire to worship and serve him. 

He longs to fill the pages of your life with His wisdom. 

We are not alone. 

We are not in control. 

There is purpose and hope far beyond anything our minds could ever grasp. 

There is hope. 

I think on this because between, deep loss, 

ambulance rides and change these things are important. 

I don't want to lose sight of the promises God has placed before us. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Not only is there a plan; but He will walk every step with us. 

My daughter's future is not an empty page. 

It was written and stamped long ago. 

She will, with God's help discover that path and become all He longs for her to be. 

The road with be riddled with success and pain. 

It already has. 

Yet through the strength of out heavenly Father we press on. 

We seek. 

We praise. 

We learn. 

We grow. 

All in His timing. 

All for His purposes. 

And oh, what a glorious purpose and plan. 

Things are changing again, 

The living room is piled with her life's posessions. 
We have gathered the most needed items to survive college. 

But I know in my heart. 
The only "thing" she needs is Jesus. 
Because that ground never moves.
He never, ever changes, 

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I send her off knowing that her page is not blank. 
That a loving, a merciful Savior has ordained her days. 
That joy and peace await her; even in the struggle. 
I am planting my feet on the ground that does not shift. 
I am lifting my hands high in praise. 
I am letting go of the ache and pain that threaten to choke out the beauty of these days. 
Here we stand on the threshold of a new beginning. 

Won't you join me in letting go? 
Stand on the rock that is immovable. 
Embrace the journey no matter how hard it may be. 
God will see you through. 

Here we go baby girl. 
I love you with every fiber of my being. 

You are God's child. 

You are loved. 

He will use you to bring about His amazing plan. 

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 
according to his power that is at work within us,

Time Marches On

Her future. 

Before her. 

So exciting. 

Student accepted day. 

College. 

Questions. 

Trying to decide. 

Which school is the best. 

All this. 

When it's been 20 months. 

20 months since he last drew a breath. 

20 months since our world seemed right. 

And now she, 

my daughter, on the edge of the beginning. 

The emotions swirl. 

Torment, yet excitement. 

I can not forsake one because my heart longs for the other. 

The speed increases. 

My mind can not keep up. 

My heart torn. 

Pulled between. 

The anguish of grief; the hope of what is to come. 

Isn't that the gospel? 

Wasn't it hope, that held him there?

The pain that brought new life. 

The cross. 

A symbol meant for shame. 

Which brought redemption and life. 

New life. 

New beginnings. 

First steps. 

Glory. 

And one day. 

One glorious day. . .

Philippians 2:10

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

 in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

Life continues. 

I am powerless to stop it. 

But I can rest in the plan God has ordained. 

He sees the big picture. 

He understands the pain. 

He is right here in the midst of all that is happening. 

I reach for Him. 

This is all too much for me to bear. 

My heart hurts. 

But I want to enjoy every moment with my daughter. 

So, we take a picture. 

We explore the campus. 

I look at those beautiful green eyes. 

I don't know what God has in store for her. 

I can not plan her life or even go with her. 

As a mom who has lost deeply this step of letting go is huge. 

But with God's help, I will. 

I will remain grateful for every moment I have had with all of our children. 

I will give thanks for a daughter and her husband and a beautiful grand child. 

I will thank God for 17 wonderful, blessed years. 

I will daily hand over the reigns to the King of Kings. 

I will  continue to walk in gratitude. 

There is still more for us to do.