So, with my whole heart I will praise the One who calls me by name.
I am grateful for wonderful 17 years.
Healthy, fun, crazy, frustrating, chaotic, beautiful years.
Two and a half years ago my life changed forever.
The journey is difficult.
Grace given for each day.
A friend gave me Tim Keller's book ,
Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering.
I have been plugging away at the book.
It is only now that I am ready to hear what this wise man has to say.
His message meant for me now. He writes,
"If God is Infinitely powerful as you say-why doesn't he stop evil?" But a God who is infinitely more powerful than us would also be infinitely more knowledgeable than us. pg 98
If you have a God infinite and powerful enough for you to be angry at for allowing evil. Then you must at the same time have a God infinite enough to have
sufficient reasons for allowing that evil. pg 99
This is a powerful truth.
God is allowing this pain.
He has allowed all that has transpired to be.
He also has reasons that are beyond my understanding.
Today we remember, as we do each day.
We walk into gratitude with purpose.
God knows our pain and heartache.
He is working all things for the good of those who love Him.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
While my heart aches; I am becoming all that God longs for me to be.
I am thankful for: Coming home friends who take the day to travel with me the freedom to travel down and back in a day my farmers sense of humor family coffee thoughts of stopping to get coffee on the trip bible study; encouraging my walk with God our dog snuggling at my feet going to bed- oh how I love to go to bed one end of the house getting fixed - it was so bad this Thanksgiving season to intentionally name my thanks the hope of Glory the strength for each day This act of naming gratitude is hard some days. May your walk of gratitude change you.
May you be encouraged this day no matter what you are facing. May deep joy find you where ever you are. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.' But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.
I am thankful for: Laughter around the farmhouse table For young men willing to live differently quiet afternoons a Youth Pastor that loves our kids 4 more sleeps until the college girl comes home gratitude these hard times that are driving me to my knees a God who never lets go the freedom of opinions (Do we understand how uncensored we are in this country? ) the freedom to attend church-to openly express my love for Jesus opportunities to be the hands and feet of Jesus heat my farmer who never gives up, always perseveres the Ancient Word; may it guide us in Truth the farmette who face times with her Papa to see the cows Stepping in to this Monday actively seeking grace. Intentionally watching for glimpses of gratitude. Will you join me in this walk? Psalm 146:1-2 Praise the LORD. Praise the LORD, my soul. I will praise the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
The framed saying from a friend, now residing with the King of Kings,
rests stately on the top of the piano.
I think of her.
The dying thief rejoiced to see That fountain in his day; And there have I, though vile as he, Washed all my sins away. Washed all my sins away, Washed all my sins away; And there have I, though vile as he, Washed all my sins away.
As I play I can hear the steady beat of the drum.
Soft.
Methodical.
Interpretive.
His way.
My drummer.
Now too , residing with the King of Kings.
I revel in the washing of my sins.
Away.
I am saved.
I am clean.
Because of Him.
Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood Shall never lose its power Till all the ransomed church of God
Be saved, to sin no more. Be saved, to sin no more, Be saved, to sin no more; Till all the ransomed church of God Be saved, to sin no more.
I breathe in the words.
This Ancient Hymn.
Powerful.
Convicting.
Comforting.
My fingers fly.
Free.
I long to play as my Grandmother and Uncle.
Oh how the keys danced under their command.
The melodies brought forth; tantalizing.
Mesmerizing.
A gift.
Powerful.
I play on.
Lost in these thoughts.
I step into gratitude.
Always.
A choice.
A step.
Moving.
E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply, Redeeming love has been my theme, And shall be till I die. And shall be till I die, And shall be till I die; Redeeming love has been my theme, And shall be till I die.
We are loved.
Grace is ours.
Eternal life; our goal.
Praise on our lips. . . until we are called home.
Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy power to save, When this poor lisping, stammering tongue Lies silent in the grave. Lies silent in the grave, Lies silent in the grave;
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue Lies silent in the grave.
Strength gained from time in His presence.
The journey made clear.
Our selfish desires begin to wane.
As clearer his will becomes.
Lord, I believe Thou hast prepared, Unworthy though I be, For me a blood bought free reward, A golden harp for me! A golden harp for me, A golden harp for me; For me a blood bought free reward, A golden harp for me!
The music soothes this weary soul.
The words pour over my being.
There is a place prepared for me.
For you.
When our work is through
Until then.
We stand in strength.
Not as this world gives.
Tis strung and tuned for endless years, And formed by power divine, To sound in God the Father’s ears No other name but Thine; No other name but Thine, No other name but Thine; To sound in God the Father’s ears No other name but Thine.
I have lost my child. Our family so changed. And sometimes I feel lonely.
I feel like I was part way through a really great book,
one I have loved to read.
And now the rest of the book is gone.
Never to be finished.
Year One, you are numb when you decorate the Christmas Tree.
The Ornaments, they leave you gasping for air.
Year after year a legacy.
An ornament for each child, each year; dated.
Her handwriting a reminder. My mom giving memories each year in an ornament. A gift, I have come all too suddenly to understand.
So beautiful. Each first, resounds with hollow echoes of what life was like and now so different. The ache, deep, steps defaulting to the well worn path etched in our being. A numbness permeates all you do. A daily bowing in humbleness before the father for grace enough to make it through the day. An endless sea of warm hearts making dinners, meeting basic needs. Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Somewhere, somehow you touch earth, delicately at first. Testing to see if you can stand. Looking at all around you as if for the first time. Because what once was will never be again.
Your dear child lies in the cold, dark of the earth. The child you carried and hoped for, now, gone. And no matter how much you know you will see him again, no matter how deep the faith and trust in the One true God, the reality remains that this side of eternity that boy will never be.
There will be no graduation from the Marine Corps and watching as his career grows. There will never be a wedding and I will never have the honor of dancing the mothers dance with my red headed boy. There will be no mini hims carrying on the Davis name and silly antics. The list will go on until you lose who you are and long for the guttural screams. It is not until the act of turning takes place that the journey can continue. The act of the sacrifice of praise. The 17 years we did have. The treasured memory of an event spent together. It is these moments that God reaches in and fills the shattered heart with the Holy Spirit. It is a supernatural occurrence. There is peace and a contentment in who this God of the Universe really is. Because Year two the veil and fog that pulled you through year one has dissipated and you are left with raw, exposed emotions. You take each one of those ornaments with the date and the year and you hold them to your heart. Longing to reach through the years and have time.
And here your mind dwells on all the memories.
These seconds are hard.
The fog has lifted and the raw grief is there.
The walk continues through.
There is no way around.
Some days the heaviness weighs.
I try so hard to rise above.
I ask God for wisdom and strength.
Because it's too heavy to carry alone. Matthew 28:20 And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
17 months ago. I was wakened in the night.
17 months ago this morning I stepped onto my porch.
I had called our friends to come over. My heart had ceased beating for a time. My mind unsteady and unclear.
When I look at this picture, I am reminded of the peace that descended to my soul that morning. The beauty of creation; a universal language. The praise uninhibited. Even in raw grief.
The God of Universe, who called all things into being placed a heart in the sky.
A broken heart.
I don't read much into things.
I don't pretend to say that makes it better.
Because I'd take my son back in a heart beat in exchange for the image in the sky.
(Though my farmer wouldn't)
But it's all connected.
The ache.
The heart
The death.
It's part of God's plan.
Funny thing is, often we don't know what God's plan will be.
We see glimpses and pieces.
Snippets out of order.
Rarely do we get to see the whole picture.
But He knows.
He knows what He is doing.
It is in trusting, where the grace and mercy touch down.
And 17 months ago when Gary walked into church to share that Elijah met Jesus early that morning, God knew what He was doing.
Grace walked through those church doors.
And no matter how I hurt.
No matter how much I miss that red headed boy of mine.
