Saying, "Yes", When You Want to Scream, "No"

Elijah. 

They say his name. 

Cleaning out a closet they find something that was his. 

Elijah. 

I just want to hear his name called. 

I miss saying it. 

You see when your son is taken. 

Things change. 

So when they mention his name. 

My heart skips a beat. 

17 years of memories. 

His future just beginning. 

Hope. 

I long for that which I can not have. 

We're going to the drive in. 

A place I have avoided. 

A place I have tried to find excuses not to go. 

So far. 

It's worked. 

This time. 

There was no easy way to say no. 

My friend asked if we wanted to go. 

Our families. 

Together. 

Feeling brave. 

I said, "yes".

Later my friend, so sensitive,

 recognized that this might be hard. 

I told her it was ok. 

It is ok to journey to the the last place my son went. 

The drive in.

The night he never came home. 

He couldn't find his debit card. 

I raided our "laundry money". 

He was so excited. 

His girl friend was home. 

He hadn't seen her in weeks. 

July 27. 

He went. 

Never to return. 

His bed empty. 

A heart ache that never ends. 

My life forever changed. 

Here I am. 

Almost 3 years later. 

He is not here. 

He resides with the King of All Kings. 

And I miss him. 

I get tired of the missing. 

I get tired of wanting our family to be whole. 

In so many ways the LORD has reached down and soothed that ache. 

He has allowed me much grace to walk this road. 

He has never left our side. 

His presence felt when the way is hard. 

 Yet this I fight against. 

The driven in. 

I don't want to do this. 

This is a place I do not want to go. 

Isn't that the way? 

We fight what we need to go through. 

The pain of growing. 

Becoming more like him. 

That's all I've ever wanted. 

Was to be like Him. 

A heart that yields. 

A life well lived. 

So, I will go. 

I will do yet another hard thing. 

This missing is hard work. 

Because you spend your time trying not to miss. 

Trying to be whole. 

Oh how sweet the LORD is as he reaches down and comforts us. 

When we do the hard thing,

 God shows up in ways we could not imagine. 

He offers grace. 

We made new memories at the drive in. 

Ones I will cherish forever. 

Grab hold of the journey God has placed you on. 

He will guide your steps. 

He's never promised it would be easy. 

But he has promised to travel with you. 

Don't be afraid of the hard things. 

Stop putting off what needs to be done. 

He will carry you when you can't go further. 

He will hold you like no other. 

You are held. 

He will reach the deepest parts and fill them with His Holy Spirit. 

Standing on those promises today. 

And a lot of coffee. 

Because going to the drive in means a late night.

Won't you join me? 

Standing on those promises? 

Exodus 14:14

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Natalie Grant

Held

"Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

Were asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

"That the promise was, when everything fell,

We'd be held..."

Step into His Grace

I am a mama who lost her mama. 

Nine years of cancer. 

The final stages. 

Brutal.

You say death with dignity?

Yes. 

My mama endured pain; with grace. 

She clung to her Jesus. 

Knowing He knew her name.

Knowing He would call her name when time. 

We; her children; grew strong. 

We cared for this mama of ours. 

We guided our dad as the memory thief silently crept in. 

We watched our mama as her systems shut down. 

We watched her stand in the Powerful name of Jesus, with arms lifted high at her grandchild's baptism. 

We cried out to God to call her home. 

We wept. 

For all that has been and never will be again. 

I am a mama who lost her son 7 months later. 

The irony. 

I begged for my mama to be called home. 

My beloved red head was called 
in the wee hours of a Sunday morning; 

while I slept. 

No warning. 

A life being lived. 

A future just beginning. 

My mamas heart hurts. 

It aches actually. 

Burns deep. 

The breathing. 

Each moment choosing. 

Turning from the darkness that seeks to consume. 

An abyss that calls. 

The enemy desires discouragement and fear. 

At every turn he longs for us to cave to the pressure. 

The light though. 

It shines. 

In the darkness. 

Just a small glimmer illuminates an immense area. 

As that glimmer grows the work of God ensues. 

The pain remains, yet held by the Almighty. 

A buffer. 

The price paid on Calvary carrying us through. 

The ways of the world harsh at times. 

Though for a purpose. 

One which we can not see.

Always moving forward. 

In hope. 

Clinging. 

Always hope. 

The way can get heavy. 

The path becomes dim. 

Hold on dear ones. 

Reach for the Light. 

Illuminate that darkness with the hope sent for all. 

Banish the fear. 

He came to overcome. 

He longs for time with us. 

He beckons. 

I rest. 

This weary journey gets me down. 

So I turn. 

To find rest. 

To remember the battle is not mine. 

He will overcome. 

One day soon. 

He will come again. 

His promises. 

Truth. 

His law.
Love. 

Our response. 

Obedience. 

In my weakness He is strong. 

In my surrender he reigns. 

Joy finds me; 

comforts me. 

Those inner places of longing and ache are held by the One who sees. 

Take courage my friends. 

We are held by a mighty God. 

Nothing has escaped his sight. 

He has not forgotten. 

He is there. 

Waiting. 

Longing. 

For you. 

For me. 

Step into his Grace. 

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Reconstructing

Reconstructing. 
Each day. 
How to do dinner. 
What the table looks like. 
His car in the driveway. 
All how to live without my son. 
Each day.
Learning. 
The path. 
God has ordained. 
Not my will. 
But His. 
And so I learn. 
While my heart misses. 
I open my heart to the will of the Father. 

A young teen plays Elijah's drum set at church.
A young man unaware of the story.

Playing to Worship. 
The same God. 

All for His Glory. 

So I learn, to trust more. 
Rest where there is chaos. 
Quiet when the screams seek to find a voice. 
Peace given. 

A purpose beyond what I can see. 

Living Life

A busy day. 

Nothing new; 

except the feeling. 

All day. 

Something. 

Not right. 

The Cast Party. 

Families. 

Dancers. 

Food. 

Decorating. 

Arabian Nights. 

Alladin. 

So much to do. 

Purposefully stepping one foot in front of the other. 

Work. 

Grief. 

Talk truth. 

Verse after verse. 

To my weary heart. 

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

It just seemed so hard today. 

Pictures I hadn't ever seen. 

Quiet moments driving. 

Remembering. 

Finding it hard to believe he's really gone. 

That red hair. 

The silly, lopsided grin. 

I reach for words of truth. 

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Until I remembered.

 33 months. 

I stop in my tracks. 

Life is marching forward. 

I hadn't even remembered the date. 

I hadn't understood why the day was unsettled. 

The farm house is quieting down. 

Just the farm boy is stirring. 

The day is coming to a close. 

I have much to be thankful for. 

The evening spent with some of this area's finest young people and their families. 

Young people that have drawn along side of us and never let us go. 

I can't think of a better way to have spent this day. 

Preparing. 

Decorating. 

Creating. 

My farmer helping too. 

Now the day is done. 

It's time to rest. 

Continuing to step into truth. 

Remembering I am held. 

Good Night my Lijy. 

I still miss you with every fiber of my being. 

I loved your grin. 

That sparkle in your eye. 

It's how you looked at me the night you left. 

So excited. 

I will spend the rest of my days learning how to live without you. 

Stepping into the plan God has. 

Yielding to His ways. 

Trusting in the plan. 

Gaining strength that only He can provide. 

Keep my feet on solid ground. 

More Waiting

She too waits. 

This sister in law of mine. 
Sister of my farmer.

Who walks the road of grief. 

It's been six months since she stood at the grave.

She waits now for biopsy results. 

Abnormal normal cells; growth on her thyroid. 

We are guaranteed nothing in this world. 

Only God's love. 

It's the constant. 

It's truth. 

There is cancer. 

In her thyroid. 

And it feels for a moment that the earth has shifted. 

Tilted. 

She tells me a funny joke before she tells me the results of the tests. 

Much like her mother. 

But so like her dad. 

And now begins another chapter. 

Reaching. 

Holding tightly. 

There are no assurances this side of heaven. 

We are not promised an easy walk. 

The pain and uncertainty keep coming. 

This is the third sibling with cancer. 

The college girl recoils at the news. 

She asks, "Mom, are we at risk?"

Mortality rearing it's head as the college girl jumps another hurdle. 

I want to protect her and say no. 

She is fine. 

She will live a long life and I will see her walk
 down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress. 

But you know what?

I don't know that. 

At all. 

I only know that this life is the only one I have. 

That God has a purpose and meaning in everything. 

That there is never, ever a time when He is not in control. 

And so I laugh a belly laugh with my sister in law. 

I pledge to drive her to her appointments. 

She chides me that all I want is the coffee. 

And she's partly right. 

Because who really wants to go to the hospital?

Who really wants to suffer? 
I remind the college girl of truth. 
Of a Savior who loves her; unconditionally. 
This is not our home. 
We were created for more.

Another journey is beginning. 

But one that has passed through the fingers of a most Holy God. 

It is in His name we have strength. 

His name is a strong tower. 

His name is wonderful.  

There is hope, above all else in that precious name. 

No matter what you're facing today.

I pray that you have hope. 

A beautiful hope rooted in deep faith. 

A place where words cease. 

A place so holy one can hear the brush of angel's wings. 

We will continue to give glory to God. 

We will continue to walk strong in the Power of the name of Jesus. 

My sister in law is one of the strongest people I know.

She has weathered so many storms. 

She feels more than any one I know. 

She chose life at a young age and has never wavered. 

We get ready to hang up. 

I tell her I will talk to her tomorrow. 

Tomorrow will come. 

A new day. 

A new dawning. 

All wrapped and held tightly by the One who calls us beloved. 

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, 
for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

The Grave Could NOT Hold Him

Reposting, because I am remembering. 
Easter has always been about the Cross. 
Easter has always been what we need. 
Even when we don't understand. 
The antidote to what ails us. 
Always. 

He is risen!

Just like he said. 
His word; Truth. 

He is risen. 

He is coming back again. 
All of creation will bow. 
While we wait. 
We seek to live as He did. 
We bend knees to the ground in humble submission, as we ponder the walk to the cross. 
And as the day dawns we live in hope. 

Matthew 28:6
He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

We live in the grace of a RISEN LORD. 

Death could not hold him. 

Acts 2:24

But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.

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Easter 2014

The boy leaves me undone. 

Most days are difficult. 

Each word is poison and I can't begin to help him. 

He's lost a brother.
 Dealt with his beloved father being so sick and he's 14. 

I would come unglued. 

He's still fragile in the faith. 

And he's lashing out. 

But sometimes there are glimpses of what is to come. 

The veil pulled back and the blue eyes shine. 

There is humor and there is a sensitivity, so like his fathers. 

This growing and stretching is hard on me. 

So, when there is a calm.
 I embrace it. 

When he leaves me undone.
 I count 1,000 gifts. 

I leave Lilies at Elijah's grave.

No headstone marks his space. . . yet. 

The Lilies a marker.
Something to do. 

Some way to serve.

I place them. 
Feeling the deep ache. 

And then I hear it. 

That blonde haired, blue eyed boy hollers out the window. 

He shouts it; loud;

Mom! What are you doing? 
Elijah hated those things. 

They stink. 

And right in the middle of the graveyard. 

In the deep crevice of missing and longing; I laugh. 

I cry. 

And I am sure I made other noises that are not becoming. 

But the grace that fills the heart when the laughter comes is warm. 

That boy has left me undone. 

Oh to be a people that can laugh and find joy 
even when the hurt is crushing. 

Psalm 30:5

weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I left the stinky Lilies at the grave. 

One for my mom, one for my son.

I brought the other home. 

One for my in-laws. 

I will plant that stinky lily somewhere here. 

I haven't been able to grow anything; but this, I will try. 

Maybe I will see it grow. 

If we can't bend and yield to the Savior's leading, 
we will be left behind. 

We miss the grace he longs to pour out on his people. 

Even in a graveyard, there is hope. 

I am reminded of the "Dance In The Graveyard" song Ana sang at her concert in the fall. 

The drumming brings me to my knees missing my redheaded drummer. 

He would have loved this song. 

For me, it showed the joy of the sweet reunion we all long for. 

Someday we will be reunited with our loved ones. 

If you have surrendered and bowed low to the giver of life, this gift is yours. 

We will laugh, and we will dance. 

Because, He Has Risen. 

Psalm 30:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; 

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

New Life

I hold her baby.

A beautiful bundle of sweetness.

 I look at this girl.

This beautiful mom. 

I think how blessed I am. 

I am the step mom. 

A woman she did not ask for in her life. 

Circumstances beyond her control. 

Yet, she has opened her heart and let me in. 

She has shared so much of who she is with me. 

She's daddy's girl you know. 

And another stole her heart.  

And now I hold her second born. 

I want to weep. 

I want to weep for my boy. 

I want to weep for all that will not be. 

And all that will be. 

The pace of life travelling on. 

Moving. 

Ebbing. 

It's hard to catch your breath sometimes. 

You want to stay in the here and now. 

Press on. 

Move forward. 

Yet the tension remains of leaving behind part of your heart;

 part of who you are. 

I hold the newest child. 

Evie Ann Brittain. 

She joins big sister, Lilah Rose Brittain

Who, only the other day, seemed to be the baby. 

The future. 

Hope. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 

do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Each day is a risk. 

We choose to love and live. 

We choose joy. 

We are not guaranteed anything. 

Moments lived to make minutes; which become a lifetime. 

All held in the Father's hand. 

So I breathe in the scent of baby. 

I close my eyes. 

Here is the next generation. 

The oldest Farm girl will pass down the stories 

and all that farm life encompasses. 

She will nurture the hope that comes. 

We will share about her Uncle. 

Uncle Elijah. 

We will share his love for his Creator. 

My farmer and I will watch. 

We will guide when asked. 

We will marvel. 

We will give praise for new life.