More Waiting

She too waits. 

This sister in law of mine. 
Sister of my farmer.

Who walks the road of grief. 

It's been six months since she stood at the grave.

She waits now for biopsy results. 

Abnormal normal cells; growth on her thyroid. 

We are guaranteed nothing in this world. 

Only God's love. 

It's the constant. 

It's truth. 

There is cancer. 

In her thyroid. 

And it feels for a moment that the earth has shifted. 

Tilted. 

She tells me a funny joke before she tells me the results of the tests. 

Much like her mother. 

But so like her dad. 

And now begins another chapter. 

Reaching. 

Holding tightly. 

There are no assurances this side of heaven. 

We are not promised an easy walk. 

The pain and uncertainty keep coming. 

This is the third sibling with cancer. 

The college girl recoils at the news. 

She asks, "Mom, are we at risk?"

Mortality rearing it's head as the college girl jumps another hurdle. 

I want to protect her and say no. 

She is fine. 

She will live a long life and I will see her walk
 down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress. 

But you know what?

I don't know that. 

At all. 

I only know that this life is the only one I have. 

That God has a purpose and meaning in everything. 

That there is never, ever a time when He is not in control. 

And so I laugh a belly laugh with my sister in law. 

I pledge to drive her to her appointments. 

She chides me that all I want is the coffee. 

And she's partly right. 

Because who really wants to go to the hospital?

Who really wants to suffer? 
I remind the college girl of truth. 
Of a Savior who loves her; unconditionally. 
This is not our home. 
We were created for more.

Another journey is beginning. 

But one that has passed through the fingers of a most Holy God. 

It is in His name we have strength. 

His name is a strong tower. 

His name is wonderful.  

There is hope, above all else in that precious name. 

No matter what you're facing today.

I pray that you have hope. 

A beautiful hope rooted in deep faith. 

A place where words cease. 

A place so holy one can hear the brush of angel's wings. 

We will continue to give glory to God. 

We will continue to walk strong in the Power of the name of Jesus. 

My sister in law is one of the strongest people I know.

She has weathered so many storms. 

She feels more than any one I know. 

She chose life at a young age and has never wavered. 

We get ready to hang up. 

I tell her I will talk to her tomorrow. 

Tomorrow will come. 

A new day. 

A new dawning. 

All wrapped and held tightly by the One who calls us beloved. 

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, 
for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Rays of Sunshine

The sun streams through the one window not covered by blankets. 

My farmer is finishing up chores. 

The farm boy has come in to play guitar and unwind before he heads to school.

How that boy is changing. 

He is shaking off the ways of this world;

letting of of the anger and hurt. 

Reaching for the holy and true. 

Slowly the sharp edges are becoming smooth. 

A bit of grace on the farm. 

The milk checks grow thinner. 

The transition date seems miles away. 

The cold settles in. 

Much to lead to the path of discouragement. 

It's test day. 

And I don't know what to feel. 

I don't know how to pray. 

So I step to gratitude. 

Because when all else falls around you, there is still praise. 

There is still a world of hope. 

The sun shining through the window as the wind whips and howls reminds me of the power of light in the darkness. 

Only a small light is needed to pierce the empty, cold space. 

May you see streams of light in your day today. 

Illuminating the dark places. 

Bringing sweet peace and strength. 

The verse today from the Incourage Twitter:

"Prayer is the portal that brings the power of heaven down to earth"

(Fervent, pg 5)

I Will Trust In You

He takes my hand. 

That farmer of mine. 

I ask him how he is. 

He says fine. 

See, 

he lives by the thought;

If I live; 

Great. 

If I die;

Better.

 He asks me how I am?

I begin to weep. 

You see, because I don't want to lose him. 

Because I am tired. 

I am weary. 

I am tired of bad news. 

I know there is good in everything. 

I seek that which is good. 

But today. 

For the moment. 

I am not fine. 

I am sad. 

I am scared. 

I am numb. 

The CT scan showed some spots. 

Spots that shouldn't be there. 

Spots to a cancer patient can mean death. 

They can also be scar tissue. 

The tears continue to flow as I work through my thoughts. 

It's fine if my farmer is ok with dying. 

It's me that isn't. 

And there it is. 

Me. 

When you walk with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

There is no room for the me. 

There doesn't have to be. 

He has it all. 

He has gone before us. 

He will go with us. 

When we focus on the "me" our focus has shifted off the

 One who holds the key. 

The One who gives and extends grace. 

The One who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.

The One that traveled to Calvary that we might have life. 

He bore all so we didn't have to. 

This same God offers us His promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I tell my farmer I can't do this again. 

I can't watch him go through chemo. 

I can't. 

I don't have it in me. 

How will we survive? 

It is not until the evening. 

When the farmhouse sighs in the quiet that I hear the sound of my Savior. 

I have this, He says. 

No. 

You can not do this. 

You have no more to give. 

No more strength. 

It is now that I will be glorified. 

No matter what happens. 

I sense the very presence of the Almighty. 

We are here on this earth to bring glory and honor to the One 

who breathed breath into our beings. 

Our purpose to bring about His Kingdom. 

I do not know the future. 

I only know this moment. 

And I am going to make it count. 

I'm going to breathe in the glory of the moment. 

I'm placing my eyes heavenward. 

No matter how this journey plays out I am going to trust. 

One of my readings in the Ancient Word has been through Exodus.

God is asking Moses to go to his people. 

To bring a message that makes them uneasy. 

He is asking them to leave a place where they are familiar. 

He asks them to go to the unknown. 

God was working a plan. 

Moses nor the Israelite's could see that plan. 

They needed to be open and willing to be obedient. 

They were being asked to trust.

 To leave a place that was home to travel to a place unknown. 

Are we willing to trust God

to take us places we might not be familiar with? 

My farmer and I are on a journey that is not familiar. 

We are being asked to be obedient. 

We are being asked to trust. 

I am holding tightly to the Promises set before the world began. 

The hope that rests in the Father's way. 

He has the plan. 

He is good. 

I may not like the plan. 

I don't have to. 

He will still do the work He has planned. 

Through it all He will be glorified. 

I am willing to take the journey. 

I am willing to see what He has in store. 

I will trust. 

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

Lauren Daigle

I Will Trust In You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When Your Prayers Aren't Answered. . . The Way You Wanted

I wake to overcast skies. The dreariness overwhelming. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill over. The pull to stay in bed; real.  I dig for the Praises. I begin to name them one by one. There really are so many. I seek to push through. It's the only way. I read my journey of this day last year. June 2, 2014. My heart gains courage. I step into the kitchen. It is so cold. I grab a steaming (literally) cup of coffee and settle on to the couch wrapped in flannel pajama's and a shining hope.  I  begin to peck out my thoughts. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 2, 2014

The bales keep coming. 

Load after load. 

11 bales a wagon load. 

Winter's feed. 

Wrapped in a cocoon. 

Prepared for winter. 

These bales. 

I wrote on these bales last year. 

Prayers. Praise. 

I love you Elijah.
7/25/13

Bales I prayed over. Hopes for a plentiful winter. 
I Praised God. 
I thanked Him for the warmer weather and time with my boy. 

Hopes for a smoother road. 

A different pace from the walk of the death of my mom, 
flooding and bumpy financial issues. 

That's not what happened. 

3 days later, my son fell asleep at the wheel of our family car and met Jesus. 

3 months later, my farmer was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

The road riddled with pain. 

But I had prayed!

I prayed hard.

I wrote out the prayers on the bales for all to see.

 And I believed. 

That beautiful summer day; I prayed and I believed things would get better. 

So what do you do when they don't? 

When you've had faith. 

When your heart has been yielding. 

 And deep, deep anguish settles in. 

How do you stay the course when the world seems to have lost it's tether? 

I prayed. I trusted. I believed. I surrendered. 

And still the death came. 

The cancer came. 

And other things may come. 

There may be more devastating news.

But that doesn't change the nature of God. 

He is still mighty and merciful. 

He is still pouring into our souls. 

I don't understand his ways. 

But I know his character. 

There will still be summer days. And the needs will still be great. 

That summer day when I prayed;

 I believed that whatever came our way, God would be there. 

Never imagining the path we would walk. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Our prayers are not meant to "change" God's mind. 

The more we pray the more He will listen to us. 

The more people we have praying for us the more He will listen to us. 

No, prayer is for us. 

A gift. 

Prayer changes us. 

The cry of our heart becomes unity with Christ. 

A peace that transcends all earthly understanding.

Yielding to Him.

Trusting that He who breathed life into this world also has all under His wing. 

So what happens when you pray, you believe, you surrender; and your handsome, first born, prayed for red-headed drummer is torn from this life. . . forever. . . ?

You breathe deep; you cry in anguish.
Deep guttural cries.
You cry out to the God of the Universe. 
The King of All Kings.
You let Him do His work in You. 

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

You trust. 
You watch as a community comes alongside to hold you through these troubled waters. 

You pray. 
You hold on to what you know. 

Each day you wake, opening your eyes to a world forever changed. 

Stepping into the peace that can only come when your heart yields. 

These are the things you do.  .  . 

When You're Prayers Aren't Answered. 

She's Growing Up And I Am Powerless to Stop It

She flashes those baby blues. 

She is beautiful.

She has grown inches over the past year. 

All the kids have. 

Death and cancer have that effect. 

Her tender heart still unsure. 

Her writing reflecting her struggle. 

She turns 12 today. 

Her last year before the teens. 

And I marvel at how she has grown. 

How this little baby born on one of the holiest of nights,

 has turned into a lovely young woman. 

Her smile lights up a room. 

She is the first to snuggle of all our kids. 

Her spirit; sensitive.

She tests the waters. 

Her words not always gentle. 

This world confusing and frustrating. 

Her desire to be more independent, yet still a child. 

Wanting to grow up too fast. 

And aren't we, the kingdom people, so much like that? 

We wish to move forward, find the answers, often before the time?

We can't be patient with what is here, before us. 

Always wanting more. 

We push instead of waiting.

We step ahead of God. 

We fill space with noise, instead of quiet seeking.

We think we know what's best.  

And I watch this pre-teen. 

My daughter. 

I sense her uneasiness and restlessness. 

 I want to teach her well. 

I want to shield her from more of the worlds heartache and pain.
I don't want her to have lost her brother and watch as her 

father struggled through the days of chemo and radiation. 

But she did. 

I can't shield her. 

Life will continue to come at her. 

These losses will not be her last. 

We can never know what will be in our path. 

But I can equip her for the struggle. 

I can teach her to bend low.

To set her heart in the path of the One who created her. 

I can teach her of the One who breathes life into our weary souls;

who calls forth the wind and the sea. 

The deep joy that transcends earthly indulgences.  

That she is loved, not because of what she does, but because of who she is. 

I can teach her the Ancient Word and the promises set forth before the creation of time. 

Hope. 

Grace for all. . .including herself. 

To make a difference in a world that shuns so much of what we believe. 

These are the things I can do. 

Much she has already learned. 

Yet, there is still much to learn in her journey. 

Until God parts our ways I will stay with bended knee sharing all that I can. 

Daily, I will surrender this child to the King of all, as He wills according to His purpose. 

I will step into joy no matter how long the time with my girl will be. 

Watching as this Christmas Eve gift becomes a woman with the heart of God. 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go, 

Even when he is old he will not depart from it. 

When You Feel Defeated Before The Day Even Begins Day # 11 of Thankfulness

I wake to a raging headache.

CT scans, phone calls, all swim in my head. 

It's later than what I want.
I feel defeated before I am even out of bed.

I need to make breakfast, but I can hardly see. 

I want to just re-post yesterdays things I was thankful for, because today, 

I really don't want to be thankful for anything. 

I just want to go back to bed. 

Did you see it? 

Can you hear it? 

It's all about "I". 

The way to destruction is to fill your sentences with "I". 

What "I" need, what "I" want. 

Each time it will lead you to the pit. 

So I am taking all these thoughts swirling in my head, all the concerns about CT scans and insurance and I am heading to my knees. 

I will push through the veil that tries to threaten and overcome. 
This day needs to be about a plan that I do not write. 
I need to wait in expectation for what will be. 
So, I am filling up my steaming coffee mug for the second time. 
Then my steps will follow the path planned out for me. 
In gratitude. 

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

The practice of giving thanks
My post yesterday for our Veteran's
hot coffee
a God who sees all my issues before I do
strength to do what is right
these hard times; they produce perseverance
quiet moments to hear the will of God
the emptying out of self, so God is able to fill
hope 
solid ground upon which to walk
the beauty in sunrises over the mountain
crisp, clear mornings
the farmer junior, rising before dawn to get the job done
girls getting themselves ready for school without any prompting from me
the reminder that there is always, always something to be thankful for
the strength to know that all that will happen today will pass through the father's fingers first and that He will be with me no matter the path 

Matthew 28:20
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

May you rise above the days challenges.

Let there be grace in your words.

Love in your touch. 

Hope in your actions. 

Let this day be about serving and not receiving. 

May you have the strength to Press On

Building 429

Press On 

All I need I will find in you. . .

Be Anxious For Nothing

Be anxious for nothing. 

Only when I have prayed hard?

No need to be anxious.

When I have saved enough money in my retirement?

No need to be anxious. 
When I have anticipated every problem and am assured that I have done every thing to thwart an issue.
Then I do not need to be anxious. 

When do we not be anxious? 

What about the time when you haven't prayed?
That item left off the list. 

When something isn't planned all the way through. 

Is that the time to be anxious? 

Be anxious for nothing. 
My son walks out the door.
He kisses me.
He says he loves me.
I cringe. 
I've heard those words before.
I don't want him to leave.
He's heading to race.
In Derby.
Without me.
We've had conflict.
Be anxious for nothing.
I don't want him to go.
We haven't prayed.

Be anxious for nothing. 
What does that mean?
How do I live as one who has been ransomed?
One that is wrapped in rich love.
When we reach deep and look to eternity the view changes.
When all of our being longs and groans for that which is to come; strength prevails.
I can not change the circumstances of my life.
Yet, I can surrender all.
To the One who knows.
Who loves us with an undying love.
He's there.
He will fill us.
He understands the hurt, the heartache, the joy.
There's more to the verse. 

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Be in prayer. Set your requests and hearts cry before the throne of grace.
And wait for the peace.
The troubles will remain.
The circumstances unchanged.
Yet peace will prevail.
God is working.
He will never leave or forsake us.
Even in the deep anguish.
In death. In cancer.
He will remain.

Be anxious for nothing.
Not just when you have prayed the right prayers.
Walked the high road.
Be anxious for nothing.
When you haven't done those things.
Be anxious for nothing.

Walking Into Praise

An unexpected phone call. 

Psalm 8:4

what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Words of encouragement from a stranger; now friend.

Messages of hope intended for my farmer. 

Compassion and grace right on the other end of the phone. 

Unexpected. 

Humbling. 

Hard to take.

Job 38:4

Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.

I call my farmer. I share the encouragement. 

Hoping to lift his spirits.

He asks me "Why am I so depressed when so many are praying?"

I remind him of the enemy.

The one whose tool is discouragement.

The joy thief. 

The one who doesn't know the future; only the past and the now. 

I remind him that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

 your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Depression needs to run it's path. 

Even when we're wonderfully made. 

The antithesis of depression is praise. 

Something that is hard to do. 

 I tell him about the morning Elijah went home.

After the police left and he and Cedric had gone to the barn, I could hardly breathe.
 I opened the Ancient Word.
 I couldn't read.
 I couldn't pray except; Lord don't ever leave me. 
I took a shower.
Mechanically, I started praising God for the shower handles, for the water streaming down my face, for my eyes, for shampoo and soap; for His goodness, for the towel and the bath mat;
for my clothes and on and on I went.
I was so numb I couldn't feel.
 I didn't know what else to do.
 I still don’t.
Each morning I force myself to praise God for the day, for a bed,
 a pillow, for legs, on and on.
 I still don’t know how to pray. . .
 I fear that the scans on Wednesday won’t be clear
and more of my world will shatter.

The burden of this walk too much to bear.
 But I can praise him.
 I can lift my hands to the sky. 
The gift in a walk with the Lord is to lay all those burdens down.
That is how I will walk into the next few days.
I will praise God for the next step and the next one after that.
Our 8 year old quotes the movie, "God's Not Dead";
God is good; all the time. 
She makes us respond.
All the time; God is good.


Let Faith Arise

Be still there is a healer. . . 
Let Faith arise.
Let Faith arise.
I lift my hands to believe again. 
You are my refuge you are my strength
As I pour out my heart these things I remember
You are faithful God forever

When Yesterday Is 7 Months Gone

Dear Elijah,
It's been more than half a year since your feet have walked this earth; since time stood still and my heart broke in two. I can't believe that much time has passed. It feels like yesterday. 7 months of not my will, but thine. 7 months of learning to live a path I didn't ask for; death, cancer, treatments, grace.  We all miss you a ton. Each day dawns with thoughts of you and remembering you're not with us. We all feel so incomplete

without you here. It's hard to figure out how to do this walk. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I miss being your mom. I miss feeling whole. I am tired of my heart hurting.

Since you've been gone, daddy was diagnosed with cancer and has undergone radiation and chemotherapy. He has been amazing and tolerated all the treatments well. He is exhausted now and dealing with depression.  Everywhere he looks are projects that the two of you were working on and are unfinished. Missing you adds to his heartache. We are blessed to live in an age where help is available. We're loving on him and trying to get as much help as we can here for him.

This has also been 7 months of resting in who God is and how He orders our days. Because honestly Elijah, this walk without you here is really tough. Everywhere we look there are reminders of you. Reminders that your life here was incomplete; in our eyes. We long for you to be with us at the dinner table and everywhere. You were still living your life when you left us. And that is hard to live with.

You'd be proud of your siblings. This journey has been so hard with you gone and the uncertainty of daddy's illness. While it hasn't been perfect, everyone has really rallied to help. We have moments where everyone is cranky and out of sorts, and take their anger out on someone else. But really they have all been so intentional about trying to work out this tough walk.

I long for you to be here. But that is not the plan. I will keep stepping forward. Learning each day what it means to be in surrender to the God who called order out of chaos. We will continue to move away from "why" to "What is God's will and what does He want us to do next." We will talk about you and laugh. We

will lean into the remembering and not forget. I think that is part of the nightmare when you lose a child. You don't want to forget. Not for one minute. But how could we forget you. You were unforgettable. You were respected and loved. You lit up a room with your presence and loved to perfect your arguing skills.You loved the Lord, and didn't quite understand all that that meant. (Do any of us really completely understand?) But you wrestled and dug deeper and by faith walked.  An example for all of us. While I long for you to be here. I know you are in a better place. Your journey is complete and your work finished. I don't like this part and I never will. . . ever. But I will carry on with the journey God has for us here.

We will step forward in grace each day.

We do long for the day when we will be reunited. 

We long for the time when;

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. 

There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Bringing Order Out Of Chaos

He rings the bell.
The bell rung to celebrate the end of chemo. 

I try to take a video. 

My hands shake. 

We are done with chemo. 
Unexpectedly.
We thought we had one more week.
They had miscalculated.
Last week was the last treatment. 

The toxic cocktails have ceased. 

We are on to the next steps.

Life after cancer, and life without our son. 

I  fight back the tears that threaten to spill. 

They let me ring the bell. 

I ring it loud. 

I ring if for my mom, for my husband; for my son that I so desperately miss.

I ring it for every child and every person that has ever had cancer. 

I ring it for death.
I ring it for life.
A life I want to live with purpose and meaning.
A life I want to share with those who have lost hope.
With those who have lost their way.
I ring it for moms.
Mom's that have lost their children.
Mom's that work so hard trying to do the right thing.
Mom's who persevere even when they feel like giving up.

So today. If you feel like giving up; don't.
If you feel like you have lost your way; you haven't.
Sometimes life is hard. Really hard.
We can't make sense of  our circumstances.
We don't have to.
We can trust that God does understand.
It's not just about letting go.
It's not just about being ok with the chaos of this world.
It's about being ok with God; who understands the chaos.


I came across this video this week and I want to share it with you.
It made us all laugh. Giggle right out loud. Good for the soul laughing.
We hope you do too!

We can choose to let our circumstances rule us.
We can become bitter, angry and withdraw.
Or we can an embrace a God who called the universe into
being and brought order out of chaos.

Ephesians 4:30-31
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, 
along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other,
 just as in Christ God forgave you.

Won't you step into that ordered chaos with me?

I posted this song already this week. But all that cries within me, rejoices that, I Know That My Redeemer Lives, and there is an empty grave. When you think about the power of what Christ did for you on that cross; when you realize the chaos of this world has order. . . listening to this song brings great, great joy.

The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary
The worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands
That hold me when I'm broken
They conquer death to bring me victory