More Waiting

She too waits. 

This sister in law of mine. 
Sister of my farmer.

Who walks the road of grief. 

It's been six months since she stood at the grave.

She waits now for biopsy results. 

Abnormal normal cells; growth on her thyroid. 

We are guaranteed nothing in this world. 

Only God's love. 

It's the constant. 

It's truth. 

There is cancer. 

In her thyroid. 

And it feels for a moment that the earth has shifted. 

Tilted. 

She tells me a funny joke before she tells me the results of the tests. 

Much like her mother. 

But so like her dad. 

And now begins another chapter. 

Reaching. 

Holding tightly. 

There are no assurances this side of heaven. 

We are not promised an easy walk. 

The pain and uncertainty keep coming. 

This is the third sibling with cancer. 

The college girl recoils at the news. 

She asks, "Mom, are we at risk?"

Mortality rearing it's head as the college girl jumps another hurdle. 

I want to protect her and say no. 

She is fine. 

She will live a long life and I will see her walk
 down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress. 

But you know what?

I don't know that. 

At all. 

I only know that this life is the only one I have. 

That God has a purpose and meaning in everything. 

That there is never, ever a time when He is not in control. 

And so I laugh a belly laugh with my sister in law. 

I pledge to drive her to her appointments. 

She chides me that all I want is the coffee. 

And she's partly right. 

Because who really wants to go to the hospital?

Who really wants to suffer? 
I remind the college girl of truth. 
Of a Savior who loves her; unconditionally. 
This is not our home. 
We were created for more.

Another journey is beginning. 

But one that has passed through the fingers of a most Holy God. 

It is in His name we have strength. 

His name is a strong tower. 

His name is wonderful.  

There is hope, above all else in that precious name. 

No matter what you're facing today.

I pray that you have hope. 

A beautiful hope rooted in deep faith. 

A place where words cease. 

A place so holy one can hear the brush of angel's wings. 

We will continue to give glory to God. 

We will continue to walk strong in the Power of the name of Jesus. 

My sister in law is one of the strongest people I know.

She has weathered so many storms. 

She feels more than any one I know. 

She chose life at a young age and has never wavered. 

We get ready to hang up. 

I tell her I will talk to her tomorrow. 

Tomorrow will come. 

A new day. 

A new dawning. 

All wrapped and held tightly by the One who calls us beloved. 

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, 
for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

I Will Trust You, Part II, Even in the Desert

The Israelites were asked to trust. 

To trust God to take them out of a land. 

To bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey. 

The problem was. . . 

They needed to go through the desert first. 

The barren, harsh, desert. 

For forty years they wandered. 

Forty years they waited to see the land promised. 

For most of those who left Egypt, they never lived to see the Promise. 

Are you in a desert place? 

During these desert times, God is ever present. 

As the Israelite's traveled they were hemmed in by fire and cloud. 

God went before them. 

God was with them 

God went behind them. 

Many of you have contacted my farmer and I over this latest trial. 

We are so encouraged by your words. 

We sing a chorus during worship. 

"You are perfect in all of your ways."

We sing it over and over. 
It's not until about the time that I start to think, 
we have sung this line too many times, 
that I realize what I am singing. 
I let the truth wash over me. 
God is reminding me. 
Holding me fast. 
His ways are perfect. 
He is perfect in every way. 
Sometimes repetition is good. 
Sometimes it takes that long for the message to reach our heart. 

God is calling us to wait. 

We are choosing to be still.
Waiting to see what God will do. 
Hoping in the promises given. 
Knowing that our desert will not last for ever. 
One day;
the trials of this earth will be shaken for good. 
They will be cast off for all of eternity. 
For now we will rest in the Ancient Word. 
Place our feet on unshifting sand.
We will keep our gaze to the Cross. 
Where the battle was won. 
Where victory was claimed. 

No matter what happens. 
No matter the outcome. 
God is still good. 
He is worthy of our praise. 
He will bring about his plan. 
And above all; His name will be praised. 

I hope you will take a few minutes to listen to this song. 
The first few notes still bring such sweet memories of a wonderful
 time in my life. 
My High School years when God took me and began preparing me for all the was to be in my life. 


Petra
More Power 

"They that wait upon the Lord Shall renew their strength"

"Put on all His armor and fight the good fight, and in all our weakness we become so strong He gives us the power and the strength to carry on. "

Despair is but a Step Away Day #19 of Thankfulness

Two years ago; this was our walk. 
We are still clinging to that same hope two years later. 
Rejoicing in cancer being at bay. 
Learning to live with our precious red head residing with the King of Kings. 
Remembering God is good. . . all the time. 
Though despair, at times is only a step away. 
God offers hope that is so much greater. 
-------------------------------------------------------------
November 19, 2013
To Despair is to Turn Your Back on God Day #19 of Thankfulness

To despair is to turn your back on God.

                                   -Marilla Cuthbert Anne of Green Gables

If I despair. Not only do I turn my back on God but I take away the hope that he has promised. 

Will I only take the good in this life and not the bad? 

Though it seems like the bad has tipped the scales.

But has it? 

Who am I to decide what is enough?

John 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. 
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

God himself is no stranger to the death of a son. 

He himself bore the pain of the sins of this world.

For me.

For you. 

And with every breath I have left I will praise Him.

Though You Slay Me

(With John Piper) 

Take a moment if you will. . .to listen to this to the end. 
John Piper finishes the video with powerful words for all of us. 

 The Lymph nodes they took, are cancerous.

Another bout of bad news in the litany before us.

Another battle to face. 

A battle we enter tired and worn.

And though you slay, yet I will praise you

Though you take from me I bless your name.

Though you ruin me.. .still I will worship. 

Because. It's not about me. 

Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, 

but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, 

I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Day #19 of Thankfulness

I am thankful for:

Cousins who stop in to visit just at the right time

Another cousin that had planned to visit so we don't have to be alone-

even before we knew the results

And yet another cousin-across the miles that breathes the Word into my soul

A faithful God forever

Nothing to fear He has it all covered

Even in death. . .there is life

Hope

Sisters in laws that will never let me go

My farmer 

 another journey where God can manifest his grace in so many ways

My mom who said, "My cancer has become a blessing"

My children who face adversity with such resolve and grace 

This community, while even in the waiting, reminds us of how close they are

God's word, it is never failing

We will walk step by step in his grace

Praising God for His presence in our life

Psalm 107:1

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Through the Ages Day #7 of Thankfulness

It's my friends birthday today. 

One I see about twice a year. 

Lately one of those times each year has been a wake or funeral. 

She came to our wedding. 

She came to Elijah's funeral. 

I have known her since I was three. 

There were three of us. 

Always together. 

She is so faithful in writing and sending cards. 

My dad nick named her when we were little. 

He loved her curls and quiet ways. 

So different from his little girl.

We used to play every day as kids. 

We celebrated birthdays each year. 

She tagged along on our family holiday sing alongs. 

Gathered with us for family reunions. 

Our lives interwoven in the strongest of tapestries.

She had a little hide away nook under the stairs in her cellar. 

(that's what we called them. . . cellars)

Oh how fun it was. 

Sleeping over at her house was a treat. 

She had 3 older sisters- who I adored and admired. 

(still do)

I had none. 

We slept on the pull out couch and watched cartoons all morning!

This was not allowed at our house. 

We were up early. 

Cleaning; working. 

Preparation I know now for the life I would come to live. 

When we were 16, her wonderful daddy journeyed to meet Jesus. 

He had that C word that folks rarely talked about. 

Her mom already having battled the C word, only to have it return later in life.

Those days were hard as her family continued on. 

Learning to live with out this precious man. 

Yet they honored and remembered his memory. 

A witness of strength and close knit family. 

She faithfully stood by me as my mom battled the C word. 

Coming to visit.

Meeting for coffee. 

Letting me cry. 

She never flinched. 

She held my hand. 

And let the tears flow with me. 

I am celebrating this sweet childhood friend today. 

Even though I won't see her. 

Her quiet ways. 

Her beautiful smile that reaches her eyes. 

Happy Birthday my friend. 

Thank you for showing me and teaching me about friendship. 

~ 30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

Friendships that last through decades

my mom who taught me the value of friendship

memories of laughter and fun

a childhood that still makes me smile

the imaginations we had as kids; oh how we played

endless summer nights playing kick the can, chase. . . and others

winter vacations that would last a life time;

 sledding at the hill, skating on Jones' pond

living in a neighborhood that spanned the generations

marrying into a family where the generations lived close by

friends who keep in touch and make the effort

the gift of technology so keeping in touch is easier

the Art of letter writing and card sending;

 I still thrill at the sight of a letter from my friend

the friends who have walked the joyous and mundane parts of my life

the friends that have also held me through the darkest times in my life-

they are the heartbeat of life

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

A re- working of All In The Same Moment

We had been in Maine. 

We came home. 

It was so quiet. 

 No white tornado puppy to great us. 

I had been thinking about our home going and what it would be like. 

How quickly my son would experience that journey. 

Each step of every day draws me closer to the anniversary of the day. 

We attended a Birthday for a sweet family friend. 

We sang Happy Birthday and she opened her presents. 

On the TV ran photos of my children when they were little. 

Pictures of Elijah. 

His blue eyes sparkling. 

The kids so little. 

How quickly it all went. 

It seems like yesterday, my kids were the ones celebrating their first birthdays. 

Now I am about to recognize the  Anniversary of my sons death. 

It's wrong. 

So very wrong. 

I feel like I have been in a bubble. 

Between the deaths and the cancer something has been askew. 

There has been one constant that has been right. 

Each moment held by grace. 

Wrapped in love. 

Feet planted firmly. 

My go to place.

The solid rock.

Psalm 18:31

For who is God besides the LORD?

 And who is the Rock except our God?

My faith in Jesus Christ. 
My years as a mom, wife, believer. 
I am still learning. 
Yet, have gained some wisdom along the journey. 

With love and grace, I pass it along. 

If you have children. 

Slow down. 
Even if you don't; slow down.
Cancel the week long camp. . . go camping. . . even if it's in the back yard. 

Love more. 

Laugh at inappropriate times. 

Take yourself a little less seriously. 

Talk about God. 

A lot. 

Teach your children to pray. 

To love; with every act. 

Be respectful. 

Go to church. 

Live in a Community that knows your name.
And even if they don't; where they will still love on you. 

Find ways to be creative. 

Say I love you. 

All the time. 

Even when you don't feel like it. 

Trust God. 

Breathe deeply. 

Always kiss them good bye when they leave. 

Always.

Hold tight; yet let them spread their wings and fly. 

All in the same moment. 

Lessons Learned While Baking Bread

What do you do when the temperatures plummet?

When there are no eggs or cereal for breakfast. 

When the Oatmeal won't feed 6?

When the dollar you need to stretch can't go any further? 

When the great niece is there at 6 a.m?

You pull those farm memories to life.

You close your eyes and think of warm bread baking. 

You remember the strong arms of your mother in law. 

The sweet grace baked into each bite. 

And the healing art of kneading bread. 

Moment by moment working the yeast through. 

Lessons learned while baking bread. 

So I stand next to the wee one. 

And share God's love. 

Together we work. 

Side by side. 

In the quiet. 

And my soul is filled. 

Soon my farmer and children will feast. 

There is warmth in the kitchen. 

Nourishment in the oven. 

A peace that passes all understanding. 

When grief and cancer and CT scans and life swirl; 

lean into the lessons learned while baking bread. 

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What They Don't Tell You When You Say, "I Do"

What they don't tell you when you say, "I do."

In case you're wondering? Life isn't always a bed of roses after you're married. 

With in a year we had experienced the loss of our first child. 

We received much love and support. 

Grace.

Words of encouragement and strength to journey on.

There was much hard work and little time for anything else. 

We made it work.

And then it happened. 

Finances. 

6 kids. 

Sleep deprivation. 

Body changes. 

Job changes. 

All take their toll. 

Date nights; gone by the wayside.

Romance; a thing of the past. 

You wake one morning to find there are no children in diapers. 

The car seats are gone. 

The house is occupied by living, breathing, opinionated, stubborn, hungry, always hungry, beings. 

Somewhere life has taken a turn and you're wondering how in the world you got here. 

Then life takes another turn.

You find yourself needing to care for ailing parents. 

The battle between your home and theirs ensues. 

Add plans for a wedding and you wonder where time has gone. 

You sit across the table from the one you said. "yes" to. 

You realize the only conversations you have is around the kids or the business. 

You attempt to go away with little success. 

Spending time together is hard. 

Then the unimaginable happens. 

You are woken in the middle of the night to find your first born son will never come home. 

He has taken his last ride. 

His home forever more is with the King of Kings. 

And the one you said, "yes" to begins a battle for his life as cancer digs in it's claws. 

All of life becomes unfamiliar. 

Your heart searches for stability. 

Together you commit to fight. 

And when 20 years rolls around it doesn't feel right. 

Nothing goes right and the surrender to grief and pain mar the celebration there should be. 

The birth of a grandchild in the middle of all the unpleasantness, a balm to our weary hearts. 

The joy of watching your step daughter and son in law move to the dance of 

 new life is grace heaped on grace. 

So when 21 rolls around.

 A new effort is made. 

The familiar has returned. The conversation rich and glorious. 

Matching the glowing colors of the landscape. 

What they don't tell you when you say I do is the beauty in staying together. 

The joy in working through the tough parts. 

The immeasurable peace in growing side by side together.  

We bow together in humble submission to the One who gave marriage as a gift. 

We ask for forgiveness. 

I vow to reign in this anxiety that threatens to permeate everything. 

We will continue to take steps. 

No matter how difficult. 

Hand in hand. 

On our knees. 

For better, for worse, for richer or poorer. 

Until death do us part. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know that "Years from now, I'll love you years from now."

Happy 21st Anniversary Gary. 

I long to do this life well. 

May all we do, point to Christ. 

May we live in grace and extend grace. 

And do much with what we have been given. 

Until death do us part. 

A Comfortable Quiet

The sun begins it's decline in the sky. 

The light casting shadows on the fields. 

The landscape ablaze in color. 

My favorite time of year. 

Harvest. 

Zucchini cooks for lasagna. 

I have made a chocolate pie for small group. 

The kids are outside playing and it is unusually quiet. 

A  quiet that doesn't threaten. 

It feels peaceful. 

There is still chaos around in piles and clumps. 

Danger lurks when you walk. 

One must find their path through. 

Yet there is a peace that has settled. 

It wasn't there this morning. 

It wasn't there earlier this afternoon. 

Grief and longing permeated every thought. 

Visions of what once was and can be no more ran across the screen in a relentless string. 

But I sought to enter in. 

Choosing to step through the gate. 

The smell of dinner fills the home. 

The heat from cooking; a relief from the chill in the air. 

Home.

A refuge. 

A safe haven. 

I re-heat my coffee. 

Our home has been riddled with heart ache.

Filled with cancer and uncertainty. 

I have rebounded continually trying to be strong. 

Yet wanting to fall apart. 

Today. 

The peace that transcends is heaven sent. 

It is on the wings of the Praises and the walk in Thanksgiving. 

It is the persistence in training. 

I place the Zucchini Lasagna in the oven to bake. 

There is still a comfortable quiet. 

These are the times when the holy touches earth. 

In the quiet. 

When we seek to be filled. 

Our Agenda set aside. 

An openness to be poured into. 

In the striving and the busy we forget. 

We lean into a false message of productivity satisfies the desire.

And we are left empty. 

It is when we choose the quiet and the surrender that the real work happens.

Push away the clamor for your time. 

Settle the churning of the tierney of the urgent. 

More will be accomplished in the quiet than in the rush of the "to do". 

I think I will sit at the feet of Jesus a little longer today. 

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

I'm Celebrating Mother's Day Today

Sunday was Mother's Day. I spent the day reeling from the loss of our son.
Being mom to less.
A forever change.
Wrestling with moving on and wanting to be stuck.
In the back of my mind haunting me was my mom.
But I couldn't even think about her.
There are some places that are too tender to venture.
Your heart just can't take it.
So you push it aside and deal with the grief in front of you.
I am not speaking of stuffing or ignoring.
It's like that delicious book you want to finish.
You wait until the quiet, when you can savor the characters and the ending of such a terrific journey.
It's like that with grieving; though it's not enjoyment.
It is taking it piece by piece.
Slowly allowing the the pain to move through your being.
So these days after Mother's Day.
I look at pictures.
I allow myself to think of my mom.
For just a few moments. 
I think about her strength.
About her suffering at the end of her life.
She was so courageous.
So strong.
I know God allowed me to see that; to endure her painful death.
He knew what was coming down the road for me. 
He was beginning my strengthening exercises.
Molding my being. 
Driving me daily to my knees via the cross.
I have reworked an earlier post on mom. 
I dedicate this to a woman who was not perfect.
Who loved life to the fullest.
Who endured cancer and the end of her life with so much grace and dignity.
Who loved and served God with every breath she had even unto her death.
I miss her with all my being.
I have longed for her many days when my I thought my heart would explode
 from the devastating loss of our son.
I am grateful to her for showing me  faith.
For showing me how to live while she was dying.
Her days were filled with music, even when deaths clutches grasped.

Because He Lives. 

I can hear her singing now. 

I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, All fear is gone. 

I know the words by heart. 

She often sang it as cancer's clutches tightened their grip.  

Because I know who holds the future, 

And life is worth the living 

Just because He lives. 

My mom loved music.

She loved all kinds of music. 

I grew up listening to albums of the Beach Boys, Rhapsody in Blue, 

The Kingston Trio and even the Smothers Brothers. 

There was always music coming from that stereo in the hall. 

I can still hear the sound the albums would make, especially at Christmas, when the album would change. 

Even now listening to songs evoke a memory.

Because He lives. . . I can face tomorrow. 

I can't do this on my own. 

There is nothing left to give. 

I am broken and spilled out. 

And for the moment, I close my eyes; I hear the beautiful words. 

Because I know who holds the future. . .

I do know who holds the future.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that God is right there.

 Though I can't see Him.  

And though things around me are falling apart.

I know He is right there. 

And you know what? He's going to make it all beautiful.

2 Corinthians 4:7

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this 

all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

 Really He will. 

He is going to take this broken situation. He is going to take all this pain and heartache. 

And He is going to make something beautiful.

 Because that is what He does. 

He is the God who restores. He is the God who heals. 

He is mighty and merciful. 

And He's coming back. 

And when He does. You're not going to want to miss it. 

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory

And I'll know He lives. 

Won't you take a few moments and listen to this song. 

I promise if you're quiet. Really quiet.
You will hear my mom singing this song with all her might.
(while she's cleaning something. . .because that's how she rolled.)

I pray that all your fear will be gone. And that you will know He lives. 

That you can surrender all that hurts and causes you pain. 

That for a moment you can find the peace that comes, 

when you know who holds your future. 

We can face uncertain days. 

Yes we can.