Despair is but a Step Away Day #19 of Thankfulness

Two years ago; this was our walk. 
We are still clinging to that same hope two years later. 
Rejoicing in cancer being at bay. 
Learning to live with our precious red head residing with the King of Kings. 
Remembering God is good. . . all the time. 
Though despair, at times is only a step away. 
God offers hope that is so much greater. 
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November 19, 2013
To Despair is to Turn Your Back on God Day #19 of Thankfulness

To despair is to turn your back on God.

                                   -Marilla Cuthbert Anne of Green Gables

If I despair. Not only do I turn my back on God but I take away the hope that he has promised. 

Will I only take the good in this life and not the bad? 

Though it seems like the bad has tipped the scales.

But has it? 

Who am I to decide what is enough?

John 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. 
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

God himself is no stranger to the death of a son. 

He himself bore the pain of the sins of this world.

For me.

For you. 

And with every breath I have left I will praise Him.

Though You Slay Me

(With John Piper) 

Take a moment if you will. . .to listen to this to the end. 
John Piper finishes the video with powerful words for all of us. 

 The Lymph nodes they took, are cancerous.

Another bout of bad news in the litany before us.

Another battle to face. 

A battle we enter tired and worn.

And though you slay, yet I will praise you

Though you take from me I bless your name.

Though you ruin me.. .still I will worship. 

Because. It's not about me. 

Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, 

but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, 

I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Day #19 of Thankfulness

I am thankful for:

Cousins who stop in to visit just at the right time

Another cousin that had planned to visit so we don't have to be alone-

even before we knew the results

And yet another cousin-across the miles that breathes the Word into my soul

A faithful God forever

Nothing to fear He has it all covered

Even in death. . .there is life

Hope

Sisters in laws that will never let me go

My farmer 

 another journey where God can manifest his grace in so many ways

My mom who said, "My cancer has become a blessing"

My children who face adversity with such resolve and grace 

This community, while even in the waiting, reminds us of how close they are

God's word, it is never failing

We will walk step by step in his grace

Praising God for His presence in our life

Psalm 107:1

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Remembering

We stand at the grave. 

This college friend and I. 

Last together when life didn't hold so many painful pieces.

Back when life was still fresh and young. 

This day we stand at the grave of my oldest son. 

"Tell me about Elijah, " she says. 

My eyes fill with tears. 

It's been months since I have let myself think of him. 

Months since I have paused to remember. 

Because in the remembering the searing ache lies. 

The sharp pain of who he was and will never be. 

The kind and caring, yet hot tempered red head. 

So handsome. 

So bent on being right. 

Blue, blue eyes. 

Perfect teeth from suffering through surgeries and braces. 

Smooth, pink skin. 

My son. 

Not all remembering brings pain. 

God was intent on us remembering. 

He wanted us to remember to not fear; 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Today is a day to remember a covenant made. 

A day our family celebrated and treasured. 

It is our oldest daughters 3rd Anniversary. 

The day she and her husband promised to love and cherish 

until death do they part. 

A commitment they don't take lightly. 

Each working to strive to help and serve the other. 

My farmer and I watch with tenderness as the husband of this stubborn farm girl chooses patience and understanding. 

We watch as this team encourages our precious grand daughter. 

We step into grace as we expect another grandchild in March. 

This day we remember; 

the covenant made. 

The joy of the day. 

Because in remembering we grow. 

In remembering we remain steadfast. 

Deuteronomy 32:7

Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past. Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders, and they will explain to you.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to our Oldest Farm girl 

and the only man my farmer would hand her off to. 

May you continue to love and respect each other. 

May you seek romance and choose joy. 

May you continually bring our farmette home to visit. 

Alan Jackson 

Remember When

When You Need to Search For Joy On Father's Day

How can you miss someone when they are physically still here? 

How can your heart ache so deeply and long for what once was?

The memory thief pulls and tugs until there is but a shell. 

A shell of the person that once was. 

The strength; staunch independence now shadowed. 

How cruel it seems to watch. 

How twisted the path. 

We are powerless to stop the movement. 

Helpless to change. 

Yet we are not without hope. 

Hope that one day all this torment will be gone. 

The day when sweet reunions are fulfilled. 

When pain ceases to exist. 

Oh, how I long for that day. 

This day  set apart to honor our Father's has left me unsettled. 

My Father in Law in heaven the past 15 years. 

My father here on earth; yet his mind fragile. 

My farmer such a good father. 

One son who will never be a father. 

And I linger there on those thoughts. . . .too long. 

Isaiah 43:18-19

Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past.

"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; 

Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, 

Rivers in the desert."

Sometimes the past can hold us too tightly. 

It's clutches relentless in it's pursuit to undermine; tell lies. 

Beat us down until we have no self worth. 

Until doubt becomes our truth. 

That is not truth at all. 

It is the moving forward that we are called to, that speaks of truth. 

Obedience. 

Seeing the new thing that God is doing. 

Having eyes to see. 

To be aware that God is moving. 

Sometimes the movement is so subtle that if we're not careful, we'll miss it. 

A reminder that God is at work. 

 Letting go of the the past. 

Stepping toward the future is risky. 

Yet it is full of all the hope that God provides. 

Our way is not riddled with perfection and all good things. 

The way is rough and painful. 

Underneath all though, there is a joy. 

A joy that can not be stolen. 

Not when cancer creeps in and snuffs out the light. 

Not when the memory thief takes up residence. 

Not when death rears it's ugly head and your son is called to glory. 

Not when cancer creeps into that dear, dear farmer

 and the joy thief clutches tightly. 

 No. 

The joy will never be stolen. 

The deep, beautiful gift of joy. 

When the world falls apart around us. 

Joy will stand. 

So this Father's Day. 

I will choose to remember the wonderful Father in law I had. 

How much he sacrificed for his family. 

How steadfast he lived his life. 

I will remember the crazy father I have. 

His love for me, fierce. 

His words of wisdom still solid truth, or good for a chuckle. 

I will remember the wonderful farmer and his gentle ways. 

His love for his children and all children that cross our path. 

Most of all, I will give praise to my heavenly Father for never letting me go. 

For walking this rough and beautiful path right beside us. 

For letting his son; his one and only son, be the vessel by which we are all forgiven. 

Once. . . for all. 

Keep Our Wicks Trimmed And Burning

I stood in the field and watched. 

Lanterns to remember.

His classmates gathered together. 

Remembering. 

Prayers taking flight.

Each lantern rose higher and higher. 

Lights dotting the already starlit night. 

I wanted to reach out and somewhere find him in the group. 

I longed to see him.
Missing him deeply. 

Each lantern aglow, floating heavenward.
Beauty. 

Peace.
As I gazed around, I wondered, how many know that soul searching peace?

Two men, sons taken before them.

Stepping together through the fiercest of times.

We watched as the Lanterns faded.
Some counting shooting stars.
Quiet murmuring through the field.
Remembering.

Three lanterns pulled together.
I am sure there is some scientific phenomena for this.
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Three in One.
We are loved.
In Him we move and have our being for a purpose.

Acts 17:28
For in him we live and move and have our being.' 
As some of your own poets have said, 
'We are his offspring.'

May our light burn slowly and not fade.
We need to keep our wicks trimmed and burning.

Matthew 25:1 &2  25:13
"At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins 
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 
Five of them were foolish and five were wise. . .
Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour."

How a Community Grieves; A Year Later

Another repost from the archives. These days are still so fresh as we journey forward. We have had many, many visitors this year to the farm. Friends I have not seen in years, bringing hugs and love. All trying to make some sense of this difficult time. It has been a year of grace and trusting through the storms. Our farmhouse doors will remain open. We will walk the journey in this life with bowed knee and eyes lifted to the heavens. 

Psalm 121:1-4

I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

July 29, 204
How A Community Grieves a year later.
The teens and their families gather together. 
Their words are few. 
All remembering. 
All stepping forward. 
College. 
Jobs. 
A future. 

We remember. 

One year ago today. 

July 31, 2013

The day we welcomed our Community in to say Good Bye. 

What we received was completely unexpected. 

A town, a church, friends, family all affected by the life of such a wonderful young man. 

We had no idea. 

We had visitors again.

This time they received an open invitation.

They didn't have to come. 

It was just an offering. 

But come they did.

Young, old, students. friends, teachers, 

some whom we had never met, relatives. 

They came.

Broken, shattered with grief. 

When a community mourns. 

You don't feel alone.

For moments you're so supported.

We did not see this . We had no idea how long people were waiting. . 

Waiting to hold us and whisper love into our hearts. 

I didn't want the day to end. 

I knew what it meant.

I know what comes next.

The sum of a young man's life presented in the parlor of his home.

 Laid to rest where other relatives have predeceased him. 

None so young.

Treasures and stores of memories

Crazy Children

Lots of Love

 Blessings

And now Grace

We will miss hearing you play today; 

I bet the heavenly choir will be rockin'

But we know without a shadow of a doubt we will see him again. 

I love this song by JJ Heller

May you find peace an comfort today. 

May you rest in the everlasting arms of the LORD. 

If you don't have a relationship with Christ 

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

JJ Heller Your Hands

I Fear She Will Forget

Today is the anniversary of  Davis Farm's first blog post. 

Little did I know then how this blog would become an outlet for my expression 

through deep grief and cancer. 

How I would wrestle with all things eternal.

It seems like just yesterday that Gary and the kids went off to the Williston Parade. 

As usual there had been much activity. 

It was nice to have a few moments to myself. 

I can't remember what I did with those moments. 

I am sure I made an ice cream cake for Eleanor's birthday. 

I probably wrote the post. 

But most importantly our family was intact. 

Elijah was still here. 

We only had 24 days left with him. 

I wonder. 

Would I have changed anything? 

I don't think so. 

I have lived my life intentionally. 

Even when I was younger. 

The way for me confusing at times but mostly clear. 

I didn't need to be rebellious.

I didn't like being in trouble or letting people down. 

I loved the Lord and strove to please him. 

As I have matured, so has my walk with the Lord. 

It has been years of seeking. 

I was obedient to God. 

Each moment a gift. 

Not always perfect. 

I loved my kids. 

I did what I thought best. 

I am sure I was too rough or short with them. 

But I told them I loved them. 

I showed them. 

Even the night Elijah left. 

I hugged and kissed him. 

I have no regrets; just that he's gone. 

So thank you for a year of reading our posts. 

Our baby is now 9.

She has grown so much.

She loves to help. 

She knows how to get snuggie. 

God knew what he was doing when he sent this gift to us. 

We weren't expecting another child.

He knew how much I would need her. 

Her snuggles and smiles help me through. 

She still needs me and that gives me purpose. 

Her year has been full of really hard lessons. 

I fear she will forget. 

I encourage her to tell me stories of Elijah.

 The hope that the telling will ingrain in her mind his memory. 

It is the telling we need to do as well. 

The telling of the promises and the hope found in a life surrendered to Christ. 

The telling of his love and grace. 

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

We must never stop the telling. 

We must remember. 

For in remembering we have hope. 

Happy Birthday my sweet Ella. 

Thank you for the reminder to never stop telling. 

May you grow to love Jesus more and more. 

May his love shine upon you. 

May you do great things for His Kingdom and share hope and love to this hurting world. 

When Words Fail

For the first time in months. The words don't come. 

For the past 312 days I have written every morning or evening.
The words flow.
Cathartic in their way.
An outpouring of my soul. 
The anguish of my heart worked through.
But today the words don't come.
It has been a hard few days.
The missing great. 
The coming to the close of another year.
Reliving each of those events.
Longing for the boy we celebrated.
Knowing next year we will walk the  Senior road again.
So many emotions vacillating.
Thoughts in a jumble.
Heart aching.
There are new beginnings.
Life is marching on.
We are carried on with the swift moving pace.
The grass is growing.
The sun is shining.
There is winter's feed to haul.
Calves to love and feed.

Fences to build and mend.
Much to fill a day; to keep us busy.
So many reminders.
We sit at the river for lunch.
My farmer and I. 

The kids play in the water.
We talk of different days.
This spot echoes with memories of years gone by.
Of rope swing and laughter.

The words may not be flowing, but the memories are.
Grateful the Ancient Word  remains unchanging.
Those words cascade without ceasing.
Grace soothing. 
Stepping into memories and the Word that never fails.

Deuteronomy 6:4
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 
You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 
You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.