This Last Day of 2015 We Will Gather to Mourn and Celebrate a Life

It's been 29 months. 

Well. 

The other day. 

And I could barely get out of my own way. 

The whole day. 

The sadness overwhelming. 

But not for me. 

Not for my journey. 

For my Sister in law and her family. 

For a family in our Community.

A father of 4. 
On Christmas Eve. 

A beloved husband. 

And I wept. 

Repeatedly. 

For the journey they are on. 

For a love cherished and honored through the years. 

Bearing 4 beautiful children. 

Athletes and scholars. 

For the wake where they will stand watch. 

Where this Community will come. 

One after the other to walk with them. 

And I wept. 

Because loss is so hard. 

We are a people not meant for death. 

No!

 We were meant for life. 
A story written long ago. 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 
I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Life ever lasting. 

And that is the final word. 

The message of this Season. 

The hope for all nations. 

The Incarnate. 

God put on flesh. 

To give. 

So that we might live. 
Even in hard times. 

We are not meant for death and we recoil. 

The sharp sting. 

Permeating. 

Tearing. 

Piercing. 

Until the time. 

When all will be set straight. 

Romans 14:11
It is written: "'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.'"

So when 29 months rolled around. 

I prayed. 

And sank low; knees to the floor. 

Crying out. 

Seeking comfort where the only true comfort can be found. 

Seeking the peace that passes all understanding. 
Digging deep. 


John 14:2
My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?

Remembering the Promises of that Ancient Word. 

My heart and soul ache for this family. 
I don't understand. 

On this last day of 2015 we will gather together. 
To celebrate this man's life. 
To mourn and grieve for the deep crushing ache. 

But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that we are held. 
That the holy of holies came as a babe;
For us. 
That we might live. 
Because death will never, ever, ever have the final answer. 

I Corinthians 15:54
When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory.""Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

Natalie Grant
Held

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

Intentional Praise Day # 26 of Thankfulness

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Praise Him all creatures here below

Praise Him above ye Heavenly hosts

Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost

We sing it every Sunday. 

For years. 

In response to giving. 

To giving of His tithe and our offering. 

The words and melody simple and familiar. 

Everyone Praise Him 

It doesn't say where, or when. 

Just to praise. 

In obedience. 

All creatures. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Stepping into gratitude when you want
 to step right back to bed takes practice. 

Each day tiny steps. 

Remember to encourage each other with life giving words. 

Find a way. 

Seek the blessed. 

Find the good. 

Reach for hope. 
While the missing is deep today, the choice to order my steps
 toward hope was intentional. 
We'll gather around this farm house table to celebrate our gratitude. 

Two families deep in grief. 
Two families standing on the promises of hope. 
I can not do this alone. 
My flesh is weak. 
But He is strong and in Him is my trust. 

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
the Lord is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. 

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
a week of surprises and love
blessings in Best Buy
a puppy who is getting stronger each day
the college girl being home
the oldest farm girl and the traditions she is making with the farmette
the farm boy and two little girls-who aren't so little anymore
forgiveness
the pink hues of the sunrise
50 degrees on Thanksgiving Day
a day set aside for giving thanks
quiet mornings and hot coffee by the fire
the Ancient Word that brings life to my weary soul
opportunities to serve in other countries
people who want to help serve the people of Haiti and drop of items to the farm
not always knowing the outcome; learning how to trust
my farmer and our life together;
 it is not always easy and we have much to learn;
prayer
all I am learning in this journey with God 


May your day be rich in the goodness and love meant for all. 
Laying down my life at the foot of the cross was 
the best decision I have ever made. 
May you know that complete peace that is offered freely. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all. 

Sunday Dinner Day # 16

They gathered around the farmhouse table. 

Sunday dinner. 

These young men. 

Telling tales. 

Laughing. 

Looking at some hard times with humor. 

They are finding their way. 

The farm boy is digging deep these days. 

A change. 

Wrestling with the demons that threaten to pull one under. 

He gathers here and laughs. 

A rich laugh which reminds me of one gone before him. 

But yet so different. 

This farm boy has a carefree nature. 

Throws caution to the wind. 

(not always a good thing)

Living. 

Embracing. 

Fully. 

That with which I struggle. 

He is teaching me. 

Slowly. 

He always has. 

May I have eyes to see. 

Matthew 13:5

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.' But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

~ 30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
Laughter around the farmhouse table
For young men willing to live differently
quiet afternoons
a Youth Pastor that loves our kids
4 more sleeps until the college girl comes home
gratitude
these hard times that are driving me to my knees
a God who never lets go
the freedom of opinions
(Do we understand how uncensored we are in this country? )
the freedom to attend church-to openly express my love for Jesus
opportunities to be the hands and feet of Jesus
heat
my farmer who never gives up, always perseveres
the Ancient Word; may it guide us in Truth
the farmette who face times with her Papa to see the cows


Stepping in to this Monday actively seeking grace.
Intentionally watching for glimpses of gratitude. 
Will you join me in this walk? 


Psalm 146:1-2
Praise the LORD. Praise the LORD, my soul.
I will praise the LORD all my life; 
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

Babies, Snuggles, Diapers. . . Oh My! Day #4 of Thankfulness

I start the day with coffee and a scone with a friend. 

She insists on treating me to my favorite latte. 

It's so nice to be out and visiting. 

I return home to a note from a sweet mama that she is in the area. 

She and her new baby and would love to stop by. 

Snuggles and visiting. 

A perfect combination. 

Later after a silly fb conversation I receive another note from a mama

of three under three. 

She and another seasoned mama come for shortbread and coffee. 

The day has flown by. 

And there is contentment in my heart. 

There is still laundry and dishes. 

Supper to get. 

Floors to sweep and mop. 

Books to balance and checks to write. 

But there is a peace. 

A calm assurance. 

All is well. 

With my soul. 

Psalm 62:5

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

~30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

babies and snuggles

surprise visits

coffee in the living room while little ones play

the art of visiting, it is such a treasure

the moments of relief from grief

sunshine and warm days in November

memories of my son that flutter through

the grace by which I have been saved

never walking this road alone

the Ancient Word

the changing seasons

moments to breathe in deep

peace in my soul

another farmette on the way

a new day to be open to all God will send our way

strength for the journey, even when we don't like it

my farm girls who get up to help their farmer daddy do chores

milk, eggs and meat all from the farm 

The act of stepping into gratitude. 

You'll never be the same. 

Those Ancient Words

.

The Ancient Words

Helping. 

Spreading hope. 

Our compass. 

Guiding and encouraging. 

Truth. 

And a reminder in a song. 

Those words are holy. 

Handed down through generations. 

Faithful ones, sharing their journey. 

Changing us. 

Molding us into the children we were created to be. 

The sustenance in my life. 

Evermore so these past 17 and a half months. 

When time stopped.

The Ancient Word breathing life. 

Word by word. 

Though by thought. 

Reminder by reminder. 

The Captain at the helm. 

Guiding.

Steering toward the end. 

The final walk,

Life eternal. 

Forever in Glory. 

Michael W. Smith

Ancient Words

Lessons Learned From The Pig Pen

Some days I just want to play all day. 

I want someone to feed me and take care of my basic needs. 

A little like the piggy, wiggies. 

 When the sun shines,  I will soak up the warmth with not a care in the world. 

When I am scared, I can crawl into a pig pile. 

I can feel the safety and security of those closest to me. 

Alas, I am not a pig. 

Though I dare say I live like one sometimes. 

My room is such a mess. 

But, I am not a pig. 

I do have responsibilities and burdens to carry; 

no matter how much I would like to play all day. 

Each day there is the tierney of the urgent. 

The pressing and the important. 

The immediate and the overdue. 

It is enough to want that pig pile each moment. 

But there is grace. 

Reaching for stability. 

Found not in ourselves. 

It is when we let go. 

When we reach for holiness, we are transformed. 

The cross our focus. 

A life.

A sacrifice.

Forgiveness.

Restoration.

Our Agenda becomes His Agenda.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The peace that passes all understanding is ours. 

The urgent and mundane remain. 

It is we who are transformed. 

Not our circumstances. 

We who walk in the power of the Almighty. 

Strength gained from the surrender. 

Assurance through the storm. 

Solid ground no matter how rough the way. 

Hope and strength; ours. 

Do You Know What You Are Reaching For?

The geese are making noise. 

 A few trees have begun their colorful transformation.

The nights have cooled and we found ourselves wrapped in blankets yesterday.

A reminder that winter is fast approaching. 

Another fall. 

Another without my son. 

Our family still reels at the thought of life without Elijah. 

Every fiber of our being longs for his presence. 

Yet we press on. 

We step forward. 

We are seeking and reaching for the path God wants us to take. 

Each day I strive to live fully.
The unknowns rise before me; the tempest at large.
This morning I can feel the heaviness.
The weight of missing, great.
We hold hands around the dinner table and there is a space.
Cedric needs to reach to hold his fathers hand.
The place where Elijah sat; empty.

It is in the reaching that I am struck.
We are always reaching.
Reaching for better.
Striving to be the best we can be.
When a heavenly perspective is there, there is purpose.
His ways higher.
Unknown to us.
A path.
Direction.
Our reaching, is to seek Christ.
To know the fullness of Him.
I do not understand all that continues to transpire.
This world is spiraling at chaotic proportions.
The condition of man so evident in happenings around us.
Yet all of these situations have passed through the fingers of God.
We need to stay the course. 
Speak truth. 
Speak love.
Trust.
As we live; reach.
Reach for the Savior's plan.
Keep in the Ancient Word. 
Pray.
As you reach today; in all you do.
May the reach be for Christ.
He will guide all your steps.
You may not be able to see through.
But know, He is there.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Live In The Fullness

I fight through these days. 

The last he had here on this earth.

I long for things to be different. 

Yet trying to step forward each day. 

Agony. 

The need to do what you do not want to do. 

Press on. 

Remember. 

Seek joy. 

Let go. 

Digging for the strength needed. 

Only the grace for the day. 

I settle into all that will never be.
He will never be a United States Marine.
He will never marry.
Our family portraits will never be the same.

I don't want to hear the words, "You're healing."
Like I'm going to be new again?
My son has been torn from me.
I will NEVER be the same again.
Nor do I want to be.
I can never be that again.  I will never be Elijah's mom.
He has achieved ultimate success.
Yet I want more.
I want to learn.
I yearn for God to guide my foot steps according to His plan.
I want to shake these earthly chains and live with abandon for the One who died for me.
There is more to life.
Reaching for that which we can not see is always hard.
I will continue to strive.
Holding on to the hope given.
Living for eternity.
These days are a stretch.
I will pick the kids up from camp today.
It is the last day we ever saw Elijah.
He went to a shooting competition, while we went to NY.
We came home.
It's all so surreal.
My farmer drove over to the range to catch the last of the shooting match.
We are so glad he took the time.
There was still hay down.
So much to bale.
Yet he went with his heart and went to the range.
Little did he know.
We don't know.

Matthew 24:42
"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know 
on what day your Lord will come.

Each moment needs to be embraced and lived.
Our time will come.
Some with lives lived long and full.
Others short. . . yet full as well.

God knew Elijah's days.
He numbered them.
Live in the Fullness.

Colossians 2:9-10
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form,
and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. 
He is the head over every power and authority.

Alone; But Not Alone. . .Ever

I am alone. 

The house quiet. 

It is not a sound I am familiar with; or like. 

I wish I could take all those crazy moments when 2 diapers needed changing, lesson plans needed writing, dinner was cooking, and all 6 children were living. . .  and bottle them. 

Then pull them out now. 

When I feel defeated. 

I was created to be a mom. 

And I have loved the journey. 

I haven't done it well. 

My children never had a nursery. 

I never had the latest stroller or baby gear. 

I never read a parenting book until Chelsea was in college. 

I worked when my kids were born. 

I never went on a "playdate". 

Ever. 

For all the things I didn't do. 

I am sure there are lots I did do. 

We made a priority to go to church. 

Every Sunday. 

It wasn't easy. 

It's easier to stay home. 

There were days I wanted to. 

We chose to go. 

And when the rubber hit the road this year. 

I bent my knees low to the ground and thanked God for the years cultivating faith in our children. 

My son left me this gift. 

Faith, assurance he knew where he was headed. 

It was not wasted time. 

I drove home alone from New York after dropping two of the kids 

and two of their friends off at camp. 

I was alone. 

And when I walked in the house I was alone. 

The quiet eerie. 

My farmer haying. 

The two little girls spending the night with Tara. 

For a moment I could feel the sadness creep in. 

Alone.

While others may have cheered at this prospect, I did not. 

I love the energy of this home.

Life. 

But I realized in those moments that it is not the kids who define me. 

I am not alone. 

My worth is in Christ. 

He is my source of strength.

Psalm 118:14

The LORD is my strength and my defense; 

he has become my salvation.

 Looking anywhere else is futile. 

My joy does not come from the kids. 

It is a by product of the gift of the kids. 

My children are a gift from the Lord.

They are His. 

While I have breath on this earth I will do all I can to love and nurture them. 

Encourage them in their faith. 

Spur them on to make a difference, for Christ, in this world. 

I switch the laundry, start the dishwasher, wipe down the counters. 

A friend says to try and enjoy the moment. 

So I do. 

I head to bed to read. 

One of my favorite things to do. 

I begin with the Word; from which my sustenance comes. 

Then I move to my book. 

By then the exhaustion has settled in. 

And my farmer comes home. 

I am not alone. 

But I already knew that. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the LORD your God goes with you; 

he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Digging Deep; Just Not In Soil

The sun peaks through the clouds.

It is still a little cool.

We women gather on the farmhouse lawn. 

Steam rises from mugs of hot coffee and tea. 

We dig deep into the Word. 

Wrestling with how to live as Christ.
Verse by verse we unpack the wisdom. 

There is openness and sharing. 

Women in community. 

I gaze around the group. 

One I mentored. Now married with a young child. 

Another visiting from out of state.

Friends I know well. 

Some, the friendship, just unfolding. 

Women. Seeking to live differently. 

A desire.  

Intentionally gathering. 

We pray. 

We desire a heart like Christ. 

And it's only in the pouring out and emptying that we can be filled. 

Colossians 2:6

Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him,  having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.

Over flow your life with gratitude. 

Let go of the bitterness and griping. 

Release the ties that bind. 

Rest in the grace so freely given. 

We're new creations. 

The old is gone. 

The new is come. 

This Sea Of Emotions

I dream I am waking him up and he looks at me with those big blue eyes. 

It is the first time I have dreamed about Elijah since God called him home. 

It was so real. 

I woke sad. 

I fought through the day to focus on that which was positive. 

To count my blessings.

To remember Elijah is with the King of Kings.

His work finished here on this earth. 

He now reigns in Glory. 

Never to experience pain or hurt. 

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning 
or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Just unspeakable joy. 

It is we who are left behind that struggle.
We feel what we feel.
It can't be denied.

It was hot and humid. 

Much to do. 

I kept busy. 

It wasn't until after the Cast Party, the final activity of the day that I let myself feel. 

I head to the cemetery. 

I stand at his grave and just shake my head. 

I want to cry. 

But I can't. 

I am so tired. 

Tired of this pain. 

Tired of living without my son. 

Wishing with all that is in me that it could be different. 

The pain rich and real. 

Such a cycle of emotions. 

Grateful one day; scraping the barrel of deep sadness another.
God is greater than these emotions.
He gives strength to the weary
There is no limit to His wisdom.

Isaiah 40:28
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
 The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary,
 and his understanding no one can fathom.

We are reminded to keep our eyes focused. 

When the grueling steps are overwhelming; look up.

Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; 
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Don't take your eyes off the One who called the world into being with a Word. 

Continue to ride the sea of emotions. 

One moment at a time. 

The Hope For Today Lies In the Surrender

The sun rises in its glory. 

It will be another beautiful day. 
Such a gift to farmers.
Hope.

It is 11 months today. 

11 months of not my will but thine.

A journey I do not want to travel, but must. 

This place is uncomfortable and unpredictable. 

I long to change the path. 

I will for it all to be different. 

I want to hear Elijah's voice.
I long to have my 17 year old be 18.
I wrestle fiercely in my spirit. 
We are not of this earth.
This. This is not our home.
We are on a journey to eternal life.
This path is lived with bowed knee.
In humble submission. 
A place where there is strength beyond words.
I reach for that strength.
Because I can't walk 11 months.
But God can. 
He will strengthen us.

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

I am weak and I am weary. 

I step into the strength He provides. 

I wrap my arms around the Ancient Word. 

I step onto the porch. 

The sun continues it's ascent.

The warmth hugs me like a blanket.

The hope for today lies in the surrender. 

It's not my day. 

It is the Lords and He knows what's best. 

So I lay all of my expectations at the foot of the cross. 

Youth will gather at the farm today for the end of the year, beginning of summer gathering. 

Everything has changed. 

I am changed.

It is all different. 

I trust for the way in this new walk.

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

One needs to embrace the change that God brings. 

Hold loosely to the things of this earth. 

They are fleeting. 

But God is never changing. 

The Lord Our God   Kristian Stanfill

The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us 
And forever we will say 
You're the Lord our God 

In the silence in the waiting

We can know you are good.

All your plans are for your glory.  . .

Walking To The Beat Of The Rain

The sound steady on the tin roof. 

Rain. 

We've had more than 6 days of sunny, beautiful weather. 

Such a gift. 

I can't remember the last time we had such a stretch for that long. 

Now the rain comes. It is needed.

The earth needing hydration. 

The sea of green dependent on water and sunshine. 

Our prayer. 

Good pastures this year. 

Our hope. 

A 3rd, even 4th cutting.

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 
according to his power that is at work within us,

Winter looms. 

A desire to continue to find solid ground. 

The rain, a promise of what is to come.
Keep the beat.
Steady.
Constant. 

New growth; watered.

Crops tended to; cared for. 

Diligence each day. 

I have been distracted from my morning time with God.

The sacred. 

It is missed. 
A beat skipped.

The well worn path needing some maintenance. 

Noxious weeds threaten to spill over. 

Making it hard to distinguish the path.
Needing to find the rhythm.

My heart, fragile at times; needing some care. 

Pressing through each day. 

A decision. 

A commitment. 

Opening the Ancient Word to read the never ending promises. 

Quiet time spent; filled with the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Blessed assurance. 

A never ending beat.
Strength. 

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!

The rain continues; steady.
I step back in to the soothing cadence.

I surrender the days chores and "to do" lists. 

I breathe deep the promises. 

I hold onto the grace given for just this day.
I walk to the beat of the rain.