Do You Know What You Are Reaching For?

The geese are making noise. 

 A few trees have begun their colorful transformation.

The nights have cooled and we found ourselves wrapped in blankets yesterday.

A reminder that winter is fast approaching. 

Another fall. 

Another without my son. 

Our family still reels at the thought of life without Elijah. 

Every fiber of our being longs for his presence. 

Yet we press on. 

We step forward. 

We are seeking and reaching for the path God wants us to take. 

Each day I strive to live fully.
The unknowns rise before me; the tempest at large.
This morning I can feel the heaviness.
The weight of missing, great.
We hold hands around the dinner table and there is a space.
Cedric needs to reach to hold his fathers hand.
The place where Elijah sat; empty.

It is in the reaching that I am struck.
We are always reaching.
Reaching for better.
Striving to be the best we can be.
When a heavenly perspective is there, there is purpose.
His ways higher.
Unknown to us.
A path.
Direction.
Our reaching, is to seek Christ.
To know the fullness of Him.
I do not understand all that continues to transpire.
This world is spiraling at chaotic proportions.
The condition of man so evident in happenings around us.
Yet all of these situations have passed through the fingers of God.
We need to stay the course. 
Speak truth. 
Speak love.
Trust.
As we live; reach.
Reach for the Savior's plan.
Keep in the Ancient Word. 
Pray.
As you reach today; in all you do.
May the reach be for Christ.
He will guide all your steps.
You may not be able to see through.
But know, He is there.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned

I want to avoid his room. 

I haven't been in for a while. 

Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. 

I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. 

I pick up and work for a while. 

When it's time to go downstairs. 

I avoid looking. 

It's been a year. . . and a week. 

How can I do this long term?

How can I survive this piercing pain? 

Some days it is so hard to function. 

I am distracted. 

Unsettled. 

Sad. 

Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. 

Seeking the beauty in the struggle. 

We can be consumed by despair. 

Driven by emotions. 

Justifying actions. 

The course has been set. 

Who am I to question? 

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns his face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, 

Bring many sons to glory

We sing the lyrics. 

My heart hurts. 

The Father turns his face away

The sinless Savior was abandoned.

He bore my sin. 

God turned from Him. 

For me. 

I can barely breathe. 

He turned his face. 

Yet, I am given the promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have been extended mercy.

Why should I gain from His reward? 
I can not give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart
 His wounds have paid my ransom. 

He will never leave me. 

He will never forsake me.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, 
but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

He has never left my side. 

Even in the pain of searing loss. 
He has lifted my feet to solid ground.
His face will never turn from us.
He will always be waiting.
Longing for us.
Until He returns.

No one is beyond His love.
No one is beyond His redemption.
He is waiting.
In repentance; forgiveness and restoration await.

It Is Well With Me. . . .Because Of Him

It's been a year. 

A year since we were outside harvesting the sunshine for winter. 

Working together. 

Spurred on by the holy spirit I went to the barn. 

2  kids off at camp.

The other 2, with friends. 

So I went to the barn. 

To be with my son and my farmer. 

I wrapped bales. 

I slowed the process. 

I wrote on bales.

Messages for the dark of winter.

I wrote on one bale in particular;

which we found months later.
When the battle of cancer versus chemo and radiation was waging. 

I didn't know, how precious this would become, that sunny day we baled. 

Grateful for a day of sunshine. 

My heart was full. 

I rejoiced. 

I prayed over and over those bales.
I wrote prayers of gratitude.

Begging God to reap a harvest where there seemed to be none. 

Little did I know how my world was about to shatter.

In a little over 48 hours I would never spend another moment with this beautiful red head. 

I am so glad I spent this day with him. 

We laughed. 

I wrote on those bales for all to see.
I thought when he was gone to boot camp there would be a great memory. 

I Love You Elijah!
He knew. 

And now he knows in full. 

He understands a mothers love even better than I do. 

The questions he wrestled with are answered. 

Oh, but how I long for this boy. 

Memories swirl in my head. 

I wonder how I can live another day without my son. 

And yet another day passes.
I am renewed. 
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint.

I am here. 

Breathing in and out.
Placing one foot in front of the other.
Seeking strength. 
Resting. 
Being filled.
Finding joy through this storm.
Yielding my spirit to the Giver of Life.
He is my strength, my life, my hope.

It is well with me. . . because of Him.

Is There Ever The Right Time?

I brush the dirt away. 

Dirt from the farm of his years. 

Splattered on the stone from rain, while it sat on the patio. 

While we waited for the right time. 

Is there ever the right time? 

Is there ever the desire to place a stone at your son's grave? 

There isn't. 

This stone. 

Another gift given by the community. 

Etched in love by a teammate apprenticing with a Master. 

A teammate that knows the loss of a brother. 

Another life taken so soon. 

The analogy is not missed. 

We are here on this earth; apprenticing with the Master. 

We each have work to complete. 

Lives to change. 

Impacts to be made. 

The Ancient Word our guide.

Prayer our compass. 

Stepping forward in faith; our work. 

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 

giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Each day given to bring forth His kingdom. 

Being molded and shaped. 

The command given. 

Go.

Whatever you do. 

Go. . .and make disciples of all nations. . . 

God didn't mention when you have time. 

If it's the right time. 

Go. 

Wherever you are.

Even if it's hard. 

And we did. 

We placed the stone. 

A marker. 

A memorial to our son. 

To the memory. 

To his short life here. 

A life guided by the Almighty's Hand.

We prayed that his life here will continue to impact those around us. 

I still don't like it. 

This plan is uncomfortable and abrasive. 

So we will press on through. 

We will look up, look forward. 

We will, Go; wherever we are, and make disciples. 

Living out our faith. 

Walking the Talk. 

Sharing the love of Jesus. 

A life changed. 

Hope. 

Go.

Keep On, Keeping On

The words on the pole begin to fade.

The area around the site; bare. 

The remnant of something. 

Unknown to passers by. 

A cross. 3 flags.

A memorial, one thinks. 

Each drive along that route, I cry out to the Father. 

I ask for mercy in this process. 

I beg for the pain to be softened.

I long to know why. 

Yet I don't remain there. 

There is still purpose and work left to do here.

The tension of how to move on and remember, pull. 

A desire to hide from all that is moving on; strong. 

Effort made each day to surrender my spirit and step forward.
So we will keep on keeping on.

Joshua 1:9
This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. 
For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

I am only strong when I am weak.
The journey to the cross purposeful.
Intentional.
Denying all for Him. 
Pushing aside the worldly chatter.
Trusting the process.
Laying it all down.
The steps and the path ordered by the giver of life.
Waiting. 
Our feet on solid ground.
Our hearts yielded and willing.
Open to the Spirits leading.
Stepping into joy. 

Stepping into purpose.
Clinging to promises.
Hope.
The words are fading. 
But the memories are alive.
The hand that hold us; strong.
I will redeem the last drive he took.
I will fervently pray that route each time; for years to come.
Do you have a route you need to redeem?
Is there a path you journey everyday and wish there had been a different outcome?
Come to the place where you are held. 
Take up the Cross and rest in the One who can redeem all different endings.
Give your soul rest and peace.
Eternity.

Matthew 16:24-26
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

Searching, Seeking

As I mourn one.

An extra is at my table. 

One who ponders the questions in the night. 

Comes to the barn in the wee hours. 

Wrestling with the heaviness of life. 

Searching. 

So many come. 

Needing.
They seek the solace and rhythm of the barn.

Something deep and rich.
It is truth they seek.

Elijah sought truth. 
His life on this earth plagued with the inconsistencies he saw.
You say what you claim to be, but act as if you knew not.
Wise beyond his years.
Destined not for this world. 
It is a small solace to know he has all the answers he needs.
The unknown plagues him no more.
The one now, that sits at the table; seeks truth in the dark of night.
I pray for him. 
He came, searching, as wise men sought the new King.
God will reveal himself.
He is truth.
He will make a way.
We are kept. 

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, 
rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

10 Months Of A Road I Never Thought I Could Walk

The days move along. 

Time has no respect for the heart. 

Maybe it was designed that way. 

The beat steady. 

Unwavering. 

10 months of a cadence that is unfamiliar. 

A longing each day for what can not be. 

 Reaching deep for strength. 

The earth a glow with spring color. 

Matchless in it's wonder. 

A palette stretched with colors unimaginable. 

The magnitude of loss so great; it mars the beauty. 

So I work. 

I step to see. 

Breathe. 

Listen. 

10 months. 

I remember when you were 10 months. 

Ready to walk. 

Red hair; thick. 

But it's your hands I remember most. 

I would sit night after night and hold them. 

Memorize them. 

I wonder if my spirit knew. . . 

They were big and chubby at that time. 

And I would dream of all you would become. 

Would your hands be gentle like your daddy's?

Full of love and years of work. 

Would they make music?

Nights of wondering. 

Now the nights have ended. 

The wondering over. 

You are in the presence of the Holy and Mighty. 

Your music sweet and hands that have touched the glory of the Most High. 

Each day dawns. 

Time pressing onward. 

Reminders all around. 

Seeking the only solace that will comfort. 

Won't you step out today?

No matter the heartache, joy or situation.

Gaze at the wonder around. 

Step into praise. 

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

Serve the Lord with gladness!

Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the Lord, he is God!

It is he who made us, and we are his;[a]

 we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

    and his courts with praise!

    Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good;

    his steadfast love endures forever,

    and his faithfulness to all generations.

What Does It Look Like To Praise God In The Midst Of The Storm?

Psalm 92

It is good to praise the Lord
    and make music to your name, O Most High,
 proclaiming your love in the morning
    and your faithfulness at night,

Don't you know it is good to praise the Lord?

It is the cry of my heart. 

When troubles come and the darkness settles.  It is hard to give thanks and praise.
When the bills pile high and the day gets crazy.
It is hard to praise.
When your son is killed and you watch your children grieve, it is hard to give thanks and praise.

Yet God continually encourages us to Praise Him through it all.

My farmer wants to feel positive about things.

Everything he looks at is broken or needs repair.
There's nothing he enjoys.
It is a battle. 
We try to find something good.
It is work.
Now with another hard loss.
Someone serving our family. 
Called home.
It seems too much to bear. 
So we go to what we know.  
We try to find the blessing.
Even equipment break downs can be positive;
It could have been worse.
Sometimes it is so hard to see the good.
Farming is unpredictable.
It is a life lived on the edge.
Usually invigorating.
No day like another.
But when you're world is turned upside down.
Putting it to rights takes effort.
Effort that doesn't come easy these days.


Do you struggle with your days? Has the joy escaped you?
Is it work to find the good?

We can start small. Like I did the day Elijah traveled home.
I got in the shower and I thanked God for the shower handles, the shampoo, hot water etc.
It was a step. 
A way to Praise.  A way to keep moving forward.
And that's what we need to do.
We are still here.
God has not called us to himself yet.
He is allowing all these other pieces to happen.
We need to wait with expectancy for what He will do.
Because aren't all our days lived on the edge? 
Find that space where you can be still.
Where God can breathe new life into you;
life abundant so you can pour into others.
Look for opportunities to serve.
Invite God to show up; to guide you where there is a need.
We are kept.
He will fill the void.
Hope.
He will restore the joy.
In His timing.
In His way.

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

"We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live.
It's unfair.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive.
This is what it means to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
we'd be held. "

A Primrose And Rain

A primrose. 

I bought it the other day. 

Something about the "living" yellow flower drew me. 

Because this is my reality at the end of March.

I don't know how long I will be able to keep it alive. 

I water it and move it from sunbeam to sunbeam; when there is one. 

Today though, there is only the sound of drip, drip. 

The sound should fill me with glee!

It has warmed up enough to rain. 

Instead I am filled with dread. 

The basement will flood. 

What is it like at the barn?

What will the river do? 

This. will. not. be. good. for. the. manure. pit. at. all. 

But it's warmer.

And no matter what happens we will deal with it. 

We always do. 

It is the farming way. 

There is always hope. 

I'll keep looking at my primrose, while it survives. 

I probably should have let someone else buy it. 

I will listen to the drip, drip and think of the days reading 

"Thundercake" to the kids on the porch swing. 

I will head to Worship this morning.

I will place all my worries and cares in the hands of the One who has the plans set before us. 

He will equip us with all we need to walk through this journey. 

Really, He will. 

Do you believe it? 

He is able to meet all our needs. 

Maybe not in the way we expected. 

But He will. 

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according 

to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.