It Is Well With Me. . . .Because Of Him

It's been a year. 

A year since we were outside harvesting the sunshine for winter. 

Working together. 

Spurred on by the holy spirit I went to the barn. 

2  kids off at camp.

The other 2, with friends. 

So I went to the barn. 

To be with my son and my farmer. 

I wrapped bales. 

I slowed the process. 

I wrote on bales.

Messages for the dark of winter.

I wrote on one bale in particular;

which we found months later.
When the battle of cancer versus chemo and radiation was waging. 

I didn't know, how precious this would become, that sunny day we baled. 

Grateful for a day of sunshine. 

My heart was full. 

I rejoiced. 

I prayed over and over those bales.
I wrote prayers of gratitude.

Begging God to reap a harvest where there seemed to be none. 

Little did I know how my world was about to shatter.

In a little over 48 hours I would never spend another moment with this beautiful red head. 

I am so glad I spent this day with him. 

We laughed. 

I wrote on those bales for all to see.
I thought when he was gone to boot camp there would be a great memory. 

I Love You Elijah!
He knew. 

And now he knows in full. 

He understands a mothers love even better than I do. 

The questions he wrestled with are answered. 

Oh, but how I long for this boy. 

Memories swirl in my head. 

I wonder how I can live another day without my son. 

And yet another day passes.
I am renewed. 
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint.

I am here. 

Breathing in and out.
Placing one foot in front of the other.
Seeking strength. 
Resting. 
Being filled.
Finding joy through this storm.
Yielding my spirit to the Giver of Life.
He is my strength, my life, my hope.

It is well with me. . . because of Him.

When You're Prayers Aren't Answered. . .And Life Has Taken A Sharp Turn

The intent was for summers warmth to dissipate winters cruel blow. 

For the prayers on the bales to be seen when the sun has hidden itself for days on end. 

When the dark of the day is the longest and encouragement in short supply. 

I prayed over everyone of those bales. Every single one. 

I wrote my prayers out.

I prayed for relief from the financial strain and plentiful nutrients in those bales.
I prayed for protection for my family.
For strength in the journey.

But my prayers weren't answered.

Sometimes they aren't.

As a matter of fact my prayers were not answered at all in the way I wanted. 

Sometimes God answers our prayers in the way we want. 

We just happen to have our desires aligned with him.

Sometimes his answers are, No. 

And this was a resounding, No.
Our journey on this earth, actually became filled with searing pain.
Even after spending that whole day in prayer and praise. 

It was Thursday, July 25, 2013. 

Little did I know it would be the final 72 hours I would ever spend with my son. 

But we spent it together. 

He got so frustrated with me as I slowed the wrapping process down. 

Praying, writing on the bales, taking pictures and just being silly. 

But what I didn't know, was how much that day would come to mean to me. 

I knew that in the winter months, seeing writing on the bales would be a 

sweet reminder of the warmth of summer. 

 But this. . . this, I had forgotten. 

Writing on the bales in the heat of summer. 

A message for my boy while he was stacking bales. 

Gary brings this to me on the night of Winter Ball.
From a bale he has just opened to feed.

On the night when the memories flow.

When I balance on the edge of fear as two children are out. 

And I long for them safe in their beds. 

While time marches on and new memories are made.

When my prayers were not answered in the way I expected. 

And one will never return to his bed.
The dark of winter is settled in. And the messages of hope sprawled over a few bales
 is not enough to dissipate the cold.
But it is a start. 
The light will always overcome the darkness, no matter how small a spark.
The hope that rises in us from years of a well worn path pushes us on.
I ask my farmer to save that stinky piece of plastic.
That piece of summer when all the world was right for me.
But is this not right? 
If this is God's plan; then this is the road I am to walk.
And I don't want any other. 
I want the journey that brings glory to His name.
I want the journey that He walks every step with me.
There is no other way.

2 Corinthians 5:6-8
Therefore we are always confident and know that as long 
as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 
 For we live by faith, not by sight. 
 We are confident, I say, 
and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Won't you sing with me? When you're sacred, when you just don't know the next steps to take.
Lean into the grace. Trust in Him; He know's what He's doing.

We can trust our God, He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now, we won't be ruined
He is with us, He is with us
always, always

We believe there is purpose,
 there is meaning in everything

I Wonder What This Day Will Hold

Each day seems to have it's own rhythm.

It is not one I create anymore.

I have never been one to have lists.

Yet each day flowed.

Now, it is different.

As I press through the waking and the realization of a new day,

I force my way to the coffee.
(Ok forcing my way to coffee is a stretch, 
but the hard reality of the awake is agony)
And then to God's Word.

I wonder what this day will hold.
It is hard to think.
It is hard to focus.
There is so much that needs to be done.

I Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

The weather has been beautiful.
Warm, sunny days against the back drop of a spectacular fall.
I have a dear friend who has encouraged me to get out and walk a few times a week.
My SIL has been able to join us on part of this walk each time.

The cows are down in milk.
They need better feed.
We are securing some from a previous supplier.
I do not want to be purchasing feed.
I am trusting that God has this all.

We still have a few more fields to hay.
The quality of the hay is not very good.
There is such a science to cutting hay.
Every 30 days.
That is the ideal.
That insures the quality needed to make excellent hay;
the most nutritional for the cows.
This has been a difficult year to hay every 30 days. . .
Between the drought and then the rains.

But we did take advantage as soon as the sun was shining.

And have kept at it since.

And Elijah and Cedric helped with much of it.
And I still can't believe Elijah is gone.
I want to reach through the pictures to touch him.
I close my eyes to hear him.
To remember these last days together.

But Gary is tired.
These long days.
Stress over feed.
Wondering what to do about a hired hand.
It is daunting right now.

And each day we wonder what this day will hold.
These uncertain times are unsettling and can make us uneasy.

Yet where does our focus need to remain?
In my earthly mind I will fall apart.
I can not handle any of this alone.

Pslam 124:8
Our help is in the name of the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

There is hope and comfort.
And that is where I will put my trust.

I don't know what this day will hold.
My heart is heavy.
But I do not despair.

Here is a song for my wonderful, banjo, accordion playing, love.
My farmer, who does not despair.
Who counts the heavens as home and this life, but a passing moment.

Hold on a little longer. . . help is on the way. . . 

1 Kings 17:7-16

Keep your eyes toward the heavens. . .

Where Do You Put Your Trust?

The day is dreary. 

Not like the others this past week. 

It is hard to get motivated to do anything.

My mind wanders and sadness fills my heart. 

I can't escape the longing that tears me apart. 

I am running out of recent pictures of my boy to post.

This pierces my heart. 

The finality of all this.
I still can't believe he is gone. 

I can't stay in these emotions. 

They are temporal and shifty. 

My hope is in the LORD;

and that is where I will put my trust. 

That is where my focus will stay. 

I will not give way to whimsical emotions. 

Isaiah 40:31

 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

I will stand firm on the rock.
I will trust
. . .

The day has been filled with trips to town to get supplies for the farm; and small repairs. 

The bearing is gone on a wheel for the bale wagon.

Minor delays, but delays  none the less.

There is more hay down.

These are long days for the guys. 

But each long day is filled with the promise of a few more bales of hay.

A fight for survival.
And we trust in the One who owns the cattle on a 1,000 hills.

And I wonder. . .

Is this fight for survival part of God's plan to help us stay focused during this time of grieving?

He has it all covered. There is nothing out of hands.

And so as I continue to be thankful. 

Thankful for:
A beautiful Fall
Daughters who dance
A daughter heavy with child
A husband who is my friend and lover
Mums on the back porch
Mums on the front porch
Bedtime
Little girls all showered and ready for bed
popcorn and movies
Friends who sit in the quiet
A cousin-sister across the miles
Medical Care
Hope
A son who can fix just about anything, sing like no one I've ever known and misses his brother like there is no tomorrow
A son who left the house and kissed me goodbye. . .one last time

And for these I am grateful.

I am trying to be still and know that He is God.
And I know that He will never change.
And here I put my trust.

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,    I will be exalted in the earth.”