Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned

I want to avoid his room. 

I haven't been in for a while. 

Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. 

I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. 

I pick up and work for a while. 

When it's time to go downstairs. 

I avoid looking. 

It's been a year. . . and a week. 

How can I do this long term?

How can I survive this piercing pain? 

Some days it is so hard to function. 

I am distracted. 

Unsettled. 

Sad. 

Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. 

Seeking the beauty in the struggle. 

We can be consumed by despair. 

Driven by emotions. 

Justifying actions. 

The course has been set. 

Who am I to question? 

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns his face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, 

Bring many sons to glory

We sing the lyrics. 

My heart hurts. 

The Father turns his face away

The sinless Savior was abandoned.

He bore my sin. 

God turned from Him. 

For me. 

I can barely breathe. 

He turned his face. 

Yet, I am given the promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have been extended mercy.

Why should I gain from His reward? 
I can not give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart
 His wounds have paid my ransom. 

He will never leave me. 

He will never forsake me.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, 
but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

He has never left my side. 

Even in the pain of searing loss. 
He has lifted my feet to solid ground.
His face will never turn from us.
He will always be waiting.
Longing for us.
Until He returns.

No one is beyond His love.
No one is beyond His redemption.
He is waiting.
In repentance; forgiveness and restoration await.

When You Run On Empty, You Can Ooze All Over. . .

The kitchen is a mess. We have a house guest coming for 3 weeks.
There is no safe way up the stairs and through the hallway with out a navigation system. 

The lawn needs mowing and I haven't taken time for my heart to be still. 

You would think after all these years I wouldn't get off track. 

But I have. 

Mother's Day, cooking, cleaning, church, games. 

All important things. 

But not the things that should matter. 

Finding that still, quiet time to pour over the Ancient Word is so crucial to my being.

And I have filled the space with other things.

My cup runneth empty.
I begin to ooze all over. It is not pretty. 

The college kids are all coming home. 

It is so good to see them. See, most of them left shortly after the accident. 
 She says it on the ball field. 

They're such good kids.

And my heart stops. She says it with such love. 

I knew that feeling. 

I remember it well. 

It was the pride that comes with a son who has graduated;

who is beginning a new season in his life. 

Words can't describe the feeling. 

It is a deep love for your boy. A sense of completion. The future before him. 

And my heart constricts and the tears begin to flow. I turn because I don't want them to see. 

Oh how I miss my boy. How I wish he was coming home from college. 

Getting ready ready for summer plans. 

But this is not to be. 

It's these moments I feel like I may unravel. 

I head home. 

I am not good for anyone. My heart is so heavy. 

I feel worn. 

Tired. 

And the tears flow as if I had never cried before. 

How can one have so many tears?

How do we do this? 

How can life go on when your son is deep in the earth? 

When you long to be a part of the everyday. 

My heart keeps cadence with my children. 

From the moment you know; you know within you there is life. 

From then on you are changed. 

You beat 2 hearts forever more. 

Yours and theirs. Their hurt, their joy. 

Their steps. You walk with them. Willing them to succeed. 

Watching the lessons learned. Some easy. Some painful.
Your presence at the throne of grace is persistent as you intercede for that child. 

And when that life is torn from you; the world stops turning. 

And still months later, the conversation at the field will bring you to your knees.
Because he is not coming home.

And the world is turning. Spinning round and round and he's not here. 

And I claw my way up out of the grief. It threatens to consume me. 

The winter has been brutal. And I am not sure my weary soul can keep pushing along. 

I cry out to God for mercy. For relief from this agony.  

I know He hears my cry. 

I know He will rescue me from this pit. 

For now, I breathe deep.
I let him pour his spirit into my aching soul.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint.

I sit down in front of those ivory keys. It is rare I play anymore.
The drums lie silent in the corner and sometimes it's too much.  

I slowly plunk out the melody. "Knowing You " I long for the drums to be playing with me. ""Knowing you, Jesus" I want him here."Knowing you"  This hurt is so raw. "There is no greater thing" God knows my pain. "You're my all, you're the best."  He is all I need. The tears flow. I don't hold back. He is all my focus. "You're my joy, my righteousness. And I love you Lord."
My farm boy walks into the room and wraps me in a bear hug.
He rubs my back.
This man-boy.
Wrestling with the weight of the world.
He too, stepping one moment at a time into grace.
That's what it comes down to. We turn the heartache over to Him.
We breathe in deep the joy of the day.
We plant our feet on the solid rock.
This journey is not easy. 
We will rest in you Jesus.
My hope is in you.
So find rest today my friends. Find the hope that awaits you. 
Fill your cup to the brim.

When the mountains are falling
When the waters are rising
I shall be safe in you. 

Prayer

The Sun streams through the parlor window.
It casts a brilliant beam.
Christiana calls to me to come and see.
It is beautiful.
Something so captivating about streams of light.
(It could possibly be my ADD)

What if we could climb that beam right up to heaven, I ask her.
Right up to see Elijah.

What would be the first thing I would do if I could see him again?
I think I would just fall to my knees, too over come.
Oh, to touch him, hear his voice, see those blue eyes.

And I wonder. . .

Am I that zealous to see God?
Do I look at every sunbeam and think about climbing right up to heaven to see Jesus?
I know I want to be with him. . .
and I yearn to spend time with him in prayer and in the Word.
There is sweet comfort there.
But desiring heaven like that;
I can't say I have.
And isn't that what we should be doing?

I think about these things. . .

I actually think in that moment I wanted to see Elijah,
 more than I wanted to see Jesus.
My heart yearns to see my boy.
I gave birth to him.
I held him.
My thoughts drift constantly to memories of him or things that will never be.

Our lives should reflect the desire we have to be with the LORD. 

It is through prayer and reading God's word that our relationship grows.

Prayer changes us.

It doesn't change the outcome of events.

We draw closer to God. 

. 

What are you doing to draw closer to God? 

I am trying to stay close.
And through the prayers of those around us, we feel support.
And the instances of people responding to the Holy Spirit to come over
 or send a note,
is a reminder that God hasn't moved. . .
He is here.

Today was a day filled with touches of grace.
They do not change any of the magnitude of what has happened. . .
yet they offer tangible comfort.

We hosted the Youth Bible Study for the first time in 2 years.
It was bittersweet.
So much has changed since we last hosted.
Yet even in that God sent some friends over
and there wasn't time to dwell on what has been.
Instead it was a sweet time of fellowship.

As we continue this journey here on earth;
waiting for biopsy results,
struggling with feed issues for the winter,
 trying to make decisions about equipment and other things,
when life feels overwhelming.
We will continue to look up.
We will continue to seek hope.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint.

Strength, will rise as we wait upon the LORD. ..