My Useless Day

I have been useless. Sick in bed. 

This does not usually happen. 

We are mom's, we continue on, no matter how hard. 

There was no way. I was too weak and shaky to get out of bed. 

I was consumed with guilt. 

We have guests. 

This is my gift. This is what I love. 

But between the heat, 8 kids, including a 2 year old. 

I don't have it anymore. 

Nope. That boundless energy is gone. 

The desire. 

Once I could go and go. 

Making feasts and homemade goodies. 

Now. 

It is one step at a time. 

Now the sweet 11 year old is ill as well. 

Zapped from the heat. 

The schedule. 

Another night with no sleep.

For me. . . for her.

A reminder to take it slow.

Psalm 62:5

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Remembering to withdraw to the quiet places. 

Living the example set before us. 

Resting. 

Even in the midst of the chaos. 

What does rest look like? 

How can we quiet the barking voices. 

Calm the urges for all to be perfect? 

It's only by stepping into rest. 

Breathing deep and remembering to be still. 

So. I am being still. 

Forced to rest. 

I am quieting my spirit and resting in the One who longs to give the peace. 

Remembering that my uselessness can be usefulness when in the right hands. 

The Hope For Today Lies In the Surrender

The sun rises in its glory. 

It will be another beautiful day. 
Such a gift to farmers.
Hope.

It is 11 months today. 

11 months of not my will but thine.

A journey I do not want to travel, but must. 

This place is uncomfortable and unpredictable. 

I long to change the path. 

I will for it all to be different. 

I want to hear Elijah's voice.
I long to have my 17 year old be 18.
I wrestle fiercely in my spirit. 
We are not of this earth.
This. This is not our home.
We are on a journey to eternal life.
This path is lived with bowed knee.
In humble submission. 
A place where there is strength beyond words.
I reach for that strength.
Because I can't walk 11 months.
But God can. 
He will strengthen us.

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

I am weak and I am weary. 

I step into the strength He provides. 

I wrap my arms around the Ancient Word. 

I step onto the porch. 

The sun continues it's ascent.

The warmth hugs me like a blanket.

The hope for today lies in the surrender. 

It's not my day. 

It is the Lords and He knows what's best. 

So I lay all of my expectations at the foot of the cross. 

Youth will gather at the farm today for the end of the year, beginning of summer gathering. 

Everything has changed. 

I am changed.

It is all different. 

I trust for the way in this new walk.

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

One needs to embrace the change that God brings. 

Hold loosely to the things of this earth. 

They are fleeting. 

But God is never changing. 

The Lord Our God   Kristian Stanfill

The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us 
And forever we will say 
You're the Lord our God 

In the silence in the waiting

We can know you are good.

All your plans are for your glory.  . .

A Broken Pot (Yes Very Cracked) But Not Beyond Repair

The thoughtless words come spewing out. 

I am angry. 

My anger is directed at no one in particular.
The tender soul of the blue eyed girl receives the brunt. 

I feel out of sorts. And lashing out is my first reaction. 

Those words can not be taken back. 

No matter how deeply I ask for forgiveness. 

They came out.

I Corinthians 13:4-6
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

They were in my sin ladened heart. 

It's the forgiveness I sought. 

But it wasn't forth coming. 

She was hurt. 

And my words; the one's asking for forgiveness meant nothing. 

The others were piercing and that's what she's thinking.
How we need to watch our words. 

Proverbs 16:24
Gracious words are a honeycomb, 
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Words that can encourage and breathe life.
Not painful, hurtful, biting remarks.

Psalm 119:103
How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

My heart constricts at her coldness.
I offended my sweet daughter and I feel awful.
She unwilling to forgive.
We both have lessons to learn.
Raw emotions leave us open for hurt.
Unwilling to let go.
I gaze into those baby blue eyes brimming with tears.
How could I let the words fly?
How could I hurt this tender soul?
Sometimes I just want off of this spinning journey we call life.
I can't seem to do it right.
The stress of the day and the tierney of the urgent reek havoc with my sense of calm.
So when I blow, it's a mess.
These are the moments Jesus shows up.
He reminds us of our sin and brokenness.
 He also reminds us of how much we have been forgiven.
Because we aren't always going to get it right.
We aren't always going to say the right thing.
But we are a forgiven people.
God in his mercy extended grace.
I will not always be forgiven by my children.
I will not always get it right.
But I will always be loved and cherished by the One who created me.
I am a work in progress.
A broken pot. (Yes very cracked)
But not beyond repair.
Jesus longs to reach down and fix it all.
At the end of the day. When the exhaustion has taken over and the mist of sleep is heavy.
I whisper to the blue eyed child again.
I am sorry. So sorry. 
She reaches up, gazes into my eyes, and hugs me tight.

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive one another 
if any of you has a grievance against someone. 
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.