Learning Not To Fear The Quiet

 The sun shines on the newly fallen snow. 

It has that sparkle. 

I sit in my bedroom, in the bay window. 

The warmth from the sun has been beckoning all morning. 

I have been so cold. 

It feels good to be warm. 

I hold the Ancient Word in my lap. 

I close my eyes. 

To be quiet in the presence of a Holy God. 

No requests. 

No words. 

Quiet. 

No lists. 

No worries. 

Quiet. 

I am still. 

Yet I fear. 

I fear what He will say. 

Since the accident. 

Since the cancer. 

It's hard to be quiet and still. 

I am quick with words. 

Thankful words. 

Words of request. 

Words of gratitude. 

But the quiet; that is harder. 

And so, today. 

I sit. 

With the sunshine pouring over me. 

 I am still. 

Quiet. 

Galatians 3:5 flutters into my thoughts. 

Not a verse I can quote.  

I open the word. 

Galatians 3:5

So again I ask, does God give you his Spirit and 

work miracles among you by the works of the law, 

or by your believing what you heard?

God is the one who works the miracles. 

He does the work. 

My job is to rest. 

Something I find hard to do. 

I do not need to fear my thoughts. 

Or the quiet. 

Thoughts of the accident and the ensuing months are hard to digest. 

In the quiet they come. 

Slowly, I hand each thought to God. 

He will carry me. 

God will accomplish His work. 

I lean into the quiet. 

I let the spirit pour over my weary soul. 

I do not have to do all the work. 

God wants us to rest. 

In Him. 

Are you resting in Him?

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

My Useless Day

I have been useless. Sick in bed. 

This does not usually happen. 

We are mom's, we continue on, no matter how hard. 

There was no way. I was too weak and shaky to get out of bed. 

I was consumed with guilt. 

We have guests. 

This is my gift. This is what I love. 

But between the heat, 8 kids, including a 2 year old. 

I don't have it anymore. 

Nope. That boundless energy is gone. 

The desire. 

Once I could go and go. 

Making feasts and homemade goodies. 

Now. 

It is one step at a time. 

Now the sweet 11 year old is ill as well. 

Zapped from the heat. 

The schedule. 

Another night with no sleep.

For me. . . for her.

A reminder to take it slow.

Psalm 62:5

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Remembering to withdraw to the quiet places. 

Living the example set before us. 

Resting. 

Even in the midst of the chaos. 

What does rest look like? 

How can we quiet the barking voices. 

Calm the urges for all to be perfect? 

It's only by stepping into rest. 

Breathing deep and remembering to be still. 

So. I am being still. 

Forced to rest. 

I am quieting my spirit and resting in the One who longs to give the peace. 

Remembering that my uselessness can be usefulness when in the right hands. 

Holding On To Hope

The sun peaks through the clouds.

The air warm.

Such a contrast to the winter's relentless icy blast. 

The sounds of Spring cut through the morning stillness.

It is in these moments, each morning, that the strength for the day is nurtured. 

Dormant bulbs burst with the day's warmth. 

The gentle submission to the Father's will. 

The desire to seek obedience over sacrifice. 

We earn nothing. 

It is given. 

Freely. 

Ransom paid long ago for our souls. 

To be. 

To live. 

To have eyes to see the beauty when much has been wiped away. 

Each tender step; held.

Holding on to hope.

There's a gentle breeze and if you're still enough, it pours over the holiness meant just for the day. 

I Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

The journey to the cross each day is not easy. 

He never said it would be. 

Through the pressing schedules and the demands of the day I will seek to let the breezes wash over me. 

My anxiety before Him. 

My steps ordered according to His will. 

My sight is limited. Bound by the shackles of this earth. 

The day is coming when those shackles will be loosed. 

And Glory will touch the earth. 

The day is before us. 

How will we impact our world? 

In what direction will be chose to walk today? 

Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. 

Enjoy this link of a sweet sister in the Lord as she ministers musically with all that is within her.

Lori Jean Smith, Be Thou My Vision

The Let Down From Our Desire vs Reality

I walk by his room.

 I lean into the doorway. 

It's a habit now.

 I breathe in deep.

 I softly call his name.

 I just want to hear it. 

I long for him to be bustling around late for something. 

He was always late.

Couldn't find what he needed. So much like me. 

So many days it's the same endless feelings. 

Desire vs. Reality.  

Skinny vs Plus size. 

Clean house vs Messy.

The desire to have studied more; the reality of failing.

 On and on it goes. 

We can run scenario after scenario of situations where we 

feel defeated or let down from our desire verses reality.

We become discouraged and hurt as the reality beats us down.  

I long for my son to return. But that is not going to be. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says,

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God knows the plans He has for us. 

He knows.

They are not our plans. 

Trust me. 

His plans may not be plans we necessary like or enjoy at the time. 

But, they are His plans. 

He knows the outcome. 

And I would rather walk each day on this heart wrenching journey in his plan than any other way. 

As we pray and surrender each day to God's mercies and grace;

He will lead us. 

Even through the painful, heartache filled moments. 

He is there. He will lead us. 

As we draw near to him, His desires become our reality. 

His strength; our strength.

James 4:8

Come near to God and he will come near to you

As we draw near to Him our focus shifts from the me driven thought, to the Holy. 

We are changed.

He's got this. God's got it all in His hands. 

We can't take the good without the bad. 

We can't receive the good God offers without the troubled part in the journey. 

This is not our home. 

But we are here; for a time. 

And this is your time. 

Your time to be God's hands and feet.

You're here at this moment for a purpose.

 Seek that purpose with all you have. 

As I step into each new day, each day that leads me further from the accident, 

further from my son here on this earth, 

I challenge you to step into the day too. 

Embrace the journey God sets before you. 

I think Kid President says it best. 

Some days you'll get ice cream; and some days you won't.

Some days your kite will fly high; some days it will get stuck in the tree.

Just treat everybody like it's their birthday. 

What a thought. Be God's hands and feet. 

We can't change the circumstances of our life. 

But we can change how we look at them. 

When I Don't Measure Up. . . I Need To Remember What I Wrote Earlier In The Week

I fall short. I don't measure up. I head down a road of self destruction. 

It is so easy to do. The dishes aren't done. The floors need to be mopped. 

The phone rings and there are bills to pay. The laundry is backed up again. . .the kids need help.

(I didn't say they were helping. . .they need help)

The house is so cluttered. 

One of the hydraulic hoses on the case blew. There's a flat tire on the Swinger. 

The Valtra is at the shop. 

My farmer worries me. I miss my son. 

My heart hurts. I am worn. 

It all clambers for my attention. Every detail. 

And just for a moment I have lost sight. My vision blurred. 

There are too many I's and My's in those statements. 

And I remember my reflections earlier in the week. 

We are kept. 

(click on the link to read)

Jude 1:1

To those who have been called, who are loved by God,

 the Father and kept by Jesus Christ.

We are kept by Christ. 

What a thing. 

It is time to rest. To be quiet before the Lord. 

How ever that looks to you.

 But be still. 

(Really. Shut off the radio, the fist pumping music, 

the delightful books on tape (or cd or whatever) and listen. . .)

Know that He is God.

 He will never leave us or forsake us. He is doing a mighty work. 

Psalm 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

We are kept through the storm. Through the fire. 

There is much mercy and grace. 

The trials of farming are overwhelming at times. 

 It is a reminder to persevere. 

Hoses and tires can be fixed.

And we are kept. 

The Landscape That Brings Such Peace; The Savior, Where I Find Rest

I love this farm. 

I remember the first time I came here. The first time I rode up the road on the bucket of one of the tractors. We came up the hill and the mountain and all it's majesty loomed before me; 

snow covered, 

silhouetted against a clear blue sky. 

It took my breath away and stirred in me an emotion I had never felt before. 

This place still does that.

No matter the weather;

Or the season. 

It is beautiful. 

It has been a blessing through sickness and the deepest of heartaches.
I have seen life and death in this place. 

It holds my past and even now my future. 

A future that won't be. 

It is a soothing balm in the midst of the trials of life. 

God has shown his majesty throughout the ages in glorious ways. 

The farm has been a sanctuary is the midst of some of the fiercest storms. 

There are reminders, continually, that He keeps His promises. 

Numbers 23:19

God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, 

that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? 

Does he promise and not fulfill?

Even when it feels barren and God seems so far away. 

When our hearts ache with the pain of this world.

He is still here. Still doing the amazing. 

Isaiah 20:48

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

Even in the quiet. In the darkest of Winter. He is here. He is moving. 

We head to see the Oncologists today. I rest in the unfailing love of the Savior.

 I trust even though I may not like the outcome.

 I trust knowing that whatever may come is what is meant to be. 

I rest in knowing that He is here. 

Moving in our midst. 

Psalm 37:7

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him:

This song is from Mendelssohn's Elijah.

O rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him,

And He shall give thee thy hearts desires.

Commit thy way to Him, and trust in Him,

And fret not thyself because of evil doers.

O rest in the Lord, and wait, wait patiently for Him.

It Is What Is Unseen, That Makes You Stronger

It is still dark. 

The rhythm of the day beginning. 

The sound of the washer and dryer.

The beat of the pressing. 

Dishes, book work, school. 

Chores.

Cold.

The milk pump has been running for hours. 

Soon to have completed it's cycle.

The feeding begun.
Calves fed.

My farmer begins the last full week of radiation. 

The routine to change; again.

This is a change we will embrace. 

One we will anticipate. 

But yet, there is still the waiting.

The waiting for the toxic cocktails and radiation to complete their work. 

Long after the treatments have stopped, these 2 cohorts will continue to leash their effects.
Unseen, they work.
Much like the work Christ is completing in each of us.
It is unseen.
But its work is powerful.
When God is silent He is most often doing his greatest work.
These are truths I embrace on this journey. 
I can not see all the work that is being done through these trials rough steps.
The work quietly being accomplished.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this,

 that he who began a good work in you 

will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.


We may not  be able to see the work God is accomplishing in us.
 But rest assured He is. 
He is at work. 
And he will remain at work.
Long after my weary soul, admits defeat.
Long after my prayers cease because I have no words left.
Long after I have collapsed from weariness from the wracking sobs of heartache.
He is still at work.

Job 19:25
I know that my redeemer lives, 
and that in the end he will stand on the earth.

"And the same gentle hands, that hold me when I am broken. 
They conquered death, to bring me victory
Now I know my Redeemer lives. . ."

Be Still My Soul, As the Waves of Grief Come

Psalm 63:1

O God, you are my God;
    I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
    my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
    where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
    and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
    lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide. 

It is there I stay. 

He will order and He will provide. 

My every need is under his care. 

And I will still my grieving, aching soul today.

We spend a few days looking at colleges.

A friend and her son join us on this escapade. 

I am grateful for the companionship. 

Each day is a step away from the accident. 

Time moving on.

It is Crystal's birthday. 

We meet her in the city. 

She tags along with our crazy group.

We make memories that will last a lifetime.

Just not the lifetime we all thought it would be.

And we come home. 

And the heaviness returns. 

A lifetime that has changed forever. 

And again I breathe in deep. 

I quiet my soul. 

And I relive the Saturday night all over again.

And this morning when I rise. 

 I need to fight the ache and dark that threaten to overcome.

I hear sweet voices coming from the guest room.

And the 3 daughters living in the house all slept together and are giggling about something.

I breathe in again, and I turn my mourning to praise.
I am still before the only one who can still my aching heart.
Because in my mind 12 weeks is too long, yet in God's it is but a breath.
2 Peter 3:8
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: 
With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, 
and a thousand years are like a day.

Better is one day in your courts. . .

What Does Peace Look Like Today?

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives.

 Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Peace. 

Isn't that what we all want?

Trouble in Syria, Government shut downs, irate workers wielding guns.

A world gone mad.

Where is there Peace?

One party against another. . .each one placing blame.

Where does one turn?

My son is home with the LORD. 

His body returned to the ground;

never to touch or hear his voice again this side of eternity. 

We wait for a call for biopsy results. 

I have much to be anxious about. 

Yet I have peace, sweet peace.

For 66 days I have poured out my grief in my writing.

I have shared what God has been doing in my journey.

My journey is far from over.

I am reminded each day as I pass his room. . .when I see his car in the driveway. . .his wallet. . .the clothes still on the floor. . .his drum set. . .what we have lost.
. . .

And I miss him. 

So as the world rages out of control around us.

My peace does not look like what the world has to offer.

It is the knowledge that all is in God's hands.

I rest in Him and Him alone. 

And once again I surrender all I am.

To Him.

I don't know what the future looks like for us.

But I do know who holds the future. 

"My One Defense, my righteousness,

Oh God, how I need you."
Jesus you're my hope and stay. . .