Time Marches On

Her future. 

Before her. 

So exciting. 

Student accepted day. 

College. 

Questions. 

Trying to decide. 

Which school is the best. 

All this. 

When it's been 20 months. 

20 months since he last drew a breath. 

20 months since our world seemed right. 

And now she, 

my daughter, on the edge of the beginning. 

The emotions swirl. 

Torment, yet excitement. 

I can not forsake one because my heart longs for the other. 

The speed increases. 

My mind can not keep up. 

My heart torn. 

Pulled between. 

The anguish of grief; the hope of what is to come. 

Isn't that the gospel? 

Wasn't it hope, that held him there?

The pain that brought new life. 

The cross. 

A symbol meant for shame. 

Which brought redemption and life. 

New life. 

New beginnings. 

First steps. 

Glory. 

And one day. 

One glorious day. . .

Philippians 2:10

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

 in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

Life continues. 

I am powerless to stop it. 

But I can rest in the plan God has ordained. 

He sees the big picture. 

He understands the pain. 

He is right here in the midst of all that is happening. 

I reach for Him. 

This is all too much for me to bear. 

My heart hurts. 

But I want to enjoy every moment with my daughter. 

So, we take a picture. 

We explore the campus. 

I look at those beautiful green eyes. 

I don't know what God has in store for her. 

I can not plan her life or even go with her. 

As a mom who has lost deeply this step of letting go is huge. 

But with God's help, I will. 

I will remain grateful for every moment I have had with all of our children. 

I will give thanks for a daughter and her husband and a beautiful grand child. 

I will thank God for 17 wonderful, blessed years. 

I will daily hand over the reigns to the King of Kings. 

I will  continue to walk in gratitude. 

There is still more for us to do. 

A re-posting of: What You Are Unprepared For

These are words I typed out in the dark of the night this day last year. 
A heart longing for direction in the midst of grief. 
A heart that still longs to hear the voice of God. 
A heart still longing for the pieces to be placed back in the fragile shattered heart. 

September 10, 2013 What You Are Unprepared For

What do you do with the book you find;

given to Elijah from Nana on the event of Clarissa's birth?
For a moment your heart skips. . .and you are brought back to that day.
You can hear the sounds.
You can hear your moms voice.
You can see your sons excitement over a present.
He loved books.
Now they both call heaven their home.
Only 7 months apart.
And the ache is deep.
I am still mourning my mom. . .
And now I grieve the loss of our son. . .

Today was a tough day.
I miss my boy.
Yet it was beautiful out.
 I went for a walk.
  I met a friend on her way home from work and she stopped.
She understood.
 She gave me a hug and went on her way.
Sometimes all we need is a hug and a word of reassurance.
My journey needs to continue.
God left me here.
He didn't call me home.
My work is not done.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 
which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I find myself drawn to Elijah's grave.

I don't know why.

He's not there. 

But it is quiet. 

 I read my bible.

I read in I Chronicles about David having the Levites returning the Ark of the Covenant.
David inquired of the LORD how it was to be done.
 I am asking the LORD, how does this grieving happen?

How do we do this?

I Chronicles 16:10, says, 

" Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgments he pronounced. 

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 4
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun: a time to be born and a tine to die. . .a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. 

I know I need to trust with all my heart.
I need to remember what God has done.
He does what He says He will do. 

I need to be open to God's healing. And I need to remain in The Ancient Word. 

I will continue to do these things.
"Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
( 3 beats Elijah played. . .and I long to hear)
let me be singing when the evening comes."

LORD, I want to be singing when the evening comes.
I want to see all your goodness.
And I long to serve you with  all I am.

Psalm 90:4
For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, 
or like a watch in the night. 

There Is Always Choice

The slide show plays. 

Each picture a memory of the week gone by. 

The gospel shared. 

Summer Bible Camp. 

Not Vacation Bible School anymore. 

Somehow "school" has a negative connotation. 

Kids in other countries look for sponsors and live to go to school. 

But here in America school brings negative thoughts. 

But that is another post. 

The slide show plays. 

I have not helped at all this week. 

There were so many pieces to the week, there was no way I could be there. 

I watch each picture. 

The sadness descends like an unwelcome visitor. 

Years of VBS. 

Weeks of time spent with kids flash through my mind.
Each year I feel exhausted heading into the week.. 

I have nothing left to give. But I do and I am blessed. 

God meets me in the midst of the chaos each time. 

Loading 5 kids in the car and getting there on time; such a struggle.
So worth the time.
And now another year has finished.
The slide show ends.
I sit.
These are the hard times. 
The memories are relentless.
The life of your child before you.
The course of events not the ones you choose.
And it's the choice. 
You can sit down and let it all consume you.
Or you can step into the path God has ordained for you.
It's a choice. 
The path before you.
You can listen to all the voices of this world.
You can buy into all the lies that will try to bring you joy.
Or you can rise up in the strength of the Lord.
Shake off all that binds you.
Seek the joy that is offered.
There is forgiveness.
Each day I choose.
I wake up.
The reminder that Elijah is gone slams me time and time again.
But I stop.
I rejoice in the day that the Lord has made.
There is a purpose.
I quiet the voices that try to tell me otherwise.
We are the hands and feet of Christ.
There is work to be done.
We each were created.
By the Master.
Fiercely loved.
Bought with a price.
Elijah's death points to Christ.
There is a purpose.
There is a choice. 
We are to be changed as Elijah was changed in a moment.
In an instant.
We can love more.
We can stand for truth.
Seek holiness.
Make a difference in this world.
One day soon, we will all be reunited.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, 
love and self-discipline.

A Gift, We Hope, Will Keep On Giving

I walk into the auditorium. 

They are setting up for Honors Night. 

I feel the weight of grief. 

I stagger against the emotion. 

This is so hard. 

Each event tormenting in some way.
I hand them the envelope.
An envelope filled with a portion of a communities' generosity. 

It's been a year since we watched our red headed boy walk across the stage and
 receive the Music Department Award. 

He wasn't going to college. 

So there were no scholarships. 

He was going to serve His country. 

Now he resides with the King of Kings. 

In a moment your life changes.

You think you've got it all. 

It's all planned out; in the blink of an eye or a knock on the door your whole world tips.
A different direction.
We attend the Honors Night for the class of 2014.
We stand in the back.
Waiting.
I remember sitting in the auditorium thinking how can you give a scholarship for a child you lost?
How difficult it must be. 
Now, a year later, we wait as the recipient of the first
 Elijah Todd Davis Memorial Fund Scholarship is called.
Our son added to the list of Memorials.
Elijah's coach presents the award.
His words poignant and concise.
And in a moment it is over.
A moment that feels good and right.
A gift given.
The hope of a future.
A hope that this Fund will continue to grow and benefit many through the years.
We pray that the recipient of the scholarship will grow to know the Lord.
That he will seek to make this world a better place.
Because that is what we are called to do.
Make disciples.
Love one another.
Be a servant.
Above all Love.
Because you are loved.
Beyond all that you could ever ask or imagine.

Colossians 3:14
And over all these virtues put on love, 
which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 *for information on the Elijah Todd Memorial Fun please contact the Merchant's Band Jericho, VT (802) 899-3713

Pushing Regret Out The Door

It was Prom. 

Such a beautiful evening. 

Sunshine.

Excitement. 

Anticipation. 

Beauty. 

Each moment a gift to be treasured. 

Because you never know when they may be gone. 

I ask for one thing. 

A family picture; from Prom. 

I have none from the boy. 

A regret. 

A request I make. 

And this is what I get. 

I love it. 

Always room for a giggle. 

Somehow there is always a space though. 

I don't know how it works.

In the center. 

A hole. 

A hole in my heart that burns. 

Yet a hole that was filled last night by the joy seen. 

A reminder of life.

Friends.

Life long friends. 

Youth. 

Treasured friendships. 

Gods gift to us.

Hold them close. 

No regrets

John 15:12-15

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Throwing it back to my High School days. When I chose God over everything else. 

In turbulent times, He reached out and touched my life. 

Set me on a solid rock with a firm foundation. 

And I have never turned back.

He has filled me with joy. . . even when the unspeakable happens. 

I am forever grateful. 

He knew the storms that would come my way. 

He knew I would need Him. 

He knew my friends would be needed to hold me through these days.  

I cherish all my friendships, whether they been for 40 years or 40 days.

The gift of friendship. 
What a thing.

When Trusting Comes Hard

 I have a confession to make. I don't trust Him enough. 

At all. 

I get a call from a friend. 

She says I am not trying to be a nosy neighbor but I wanted you to
know your tractor and manure spreader were stopped by the police. 

I start to shake. 

I tell her thank you. I can't stop shaking. 

I call Gary. 

I hang up the phone. 

I sit at the desk and shake.
The tank could have flipped.
My mind races.
I relive the accident night over again. 

I hear God's voice.  Do you trust me enough?

 My shaky voice answers, No.

I don't trust you enough. At all.  

I am weary from this walk. 

My soul fragile. 

And a phone call can leave me undone.
I breathe deep until the shaking stops.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
 for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I look out the window.
 Memories of children running through the yard flash through my mind.
I can hear them calling to each other.
I want to go back. 
I long for the days when the kids were younger.
When they were all in my care.
When I met their needs and cooked and we all sat at the table together.
No candle for a space holder.

And I stop.
 No marriage and a son in law.

No sweet Lilah Rose.

These are not my decisions to make. 
Long before the dawn of time these days were known.
I say so to my farmer when he comes in.
He says not me. I don't want to go back. 
I don't want to lose any ground. Heaven can't come soon enough.
Is it possible to stop living while you're alive?
To become so heaven focused that you're no earthly good?
I think the answer is somewhere in between.
I can't go back. 
There must be beauty in this new journey.
This new family structure.
Cedric pulls the tank and tractor up to the house.

He is so happy. Pure joy.
A farmer friend has blessed us with the use of their equipment.
And our boy is thrilled.
He needs this.
This is the reality now.
I can trust God with all of it. Even in the heart stopping moments.
I need to.
Another unexpected tragedy may happen. We are not immune. 
God is reminding us to;
Be assured that what ever does come our way it has passed through the hands of the Father first.

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love;
 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.


He loves us. Nothing can ever change that love. 
He pursues us with a passion. 
We need to respond. 

Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, 
but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

There will come a time when everything will not pass through the lens of an accident.
Of Police Officers in my home telling me of a terrible loss.
I won't tremble at the sound of sirens.
It's a new day. Won't you join me in starting fresh?
Seeking God; trusting that each moment of today is aptly in his hands.
Resting in the hope of His promises.

"This world has nothing for me 
This life is not my own. . .
I know you go before me and I am not alone.
I know you go with me and I will never fear.
I will trust in you.
Whatever may come our way. . . . we won't be shaken."

Laughing In The Graveyard

The boy leaves me undone. 

Most days are difficult. 

Each word is poison and I can't begin to help him. 

He's lost a brother. Dealt with his beloved father being so sick and he's 14. 

I would come unglued. 

He's still fragile in the faith. 

And he's lashing out. 

But sometimes there are glimpses of what is to come. 

The veil pulled back and the blue eyes shine. 

There is humor and there is a sensitivity, so like his fathers. 

But this growing and stretching is hard on me. 

So when there is a calm. I embrace it. 

When he leaves me undone. I count 1,000 gifts. 

I leave Lilies at Elijah's grave.

No headstone marks his space. . . yet. 

The Lilies a marker. Something to do. 

Some way to serve.

I place them. 

That blonde haired, blue eyed boy hollers. He shouts it out loud;

Mom! What are you doing? Elijah hated those things. 

They stink. 

And right in the middle of the graveyard. 

In the deep crevice of missing and longing; I laugh. 

I cry. 

And I am sure I made other noises that are not becoming. 

But the grace that fills the heart when the laughter comes is warm. 

That boy has left me undone. 

Oh to be a people that can laugh and find joy even when the hurt is crushing. 

Psalm 30:5

weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I left the stinky Lilies at the grave. 

One for my mom, one for my son.

I brought the other home. 

One for my in-laws. 

I will plant that stinky Lily somewhere here. 

I haven't been able to grow anything; but this, I will try. 

Maybe I will see it grow. 

If we can't bend and yield to the Savior's leading, we will be left behind. 

We miss the grace he longs to pour out on his people. 

Even in a graveyard there is hope. 

I am reminded of the "Dance In The Graveyard" song Ana sang at her concert in the fall. 

The drumming brings me to my knees missing my redheaded drummer. 

He would have loved this song. 

For me, it showed the joy of the sweet reunion we all long for. 

Someday we will be reunited with our loved ones. 

If you have surrendered and bowed low to the giver of life, this gift is yours. 

We will laugh, and we will dance. 

Psalm 30:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; 

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

Being In It For The Long Haul

I am in this for the long haul.
This journey, called life, is only a shadow of what is waiting.
It demands endurance.
We have a family moving out to farm alongside us. 

They are packing all they own and know and hauling it across this beautiful country.
They have a long haul in front of them.
This is a new culture and climate.
Many adjustments. 
They need to be in this for the long haul.
This journey in life.
 It is not easy.
It is riddled with strife, heartache and shattered dreams.
There is great beauty,

and there is deep pain.

Yet there is comfort and hope for the journey. There is solid ground on which to plant your feet.
We need to be in it for the long haul.
The investment; long term.
Our joy deep rooted.
Rooted deep, in solid truth;
where moth and rust cannot destroy.

Matthew 6:20
Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy

Rooted in the only soil where hope surges and strength is found.
When church was not an option today as the joy thief became my farmers unwanted companion,
I searched the archives of the internet for sustenance for my soul.
I chose John Piper and the first message to show in the list was; "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing".
So, I gathered the Ancient Word, and my notebook.
I showed up fully alert. 
I wanted to hear what God would say through the scholarly, highly regarded John Piper.
It wasn't long before I heard it. I saw it.
He knew. 
He understood. 
He dove into that scripture and there it was;
right in 2 Corinthians 6:10.
sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; 
having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

Paul endured beatings and prison. Poverty and persecution. Yet he was still able to say;

Philppians 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

You see the Lord wasn't taking away the troubles. He was showing up in the midst of them. 

He's not guaranteeing riches or an easy life. 

Quite honestly it may be the exact opposite; 

as you surrender each day.
He removes the stumbling blocks; We serve God not because we're rich or
because our lives are full of ease and certainty.
Uncertainty abounds. 

I can barely walk sometimes the grief so overwhelming.

 I miss my mom. I long for our puppy. I ache for our son. 

My husband fights cancer and depression. 
We serve God because of who He is; in the midst of all this. 

I don't know what the future holds. 

But I know who holds the future. 
I am in this for the long haul. 
Growth over time. 

And that makes all the difference in the world. 

The anchor holds. I know where I am going. 

And while the wind shakes all around us;

we will stand on solid ground. 

These Words, To Live By

Because He Lives. . 

I can hear her singing now. 

I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, All fear is gone. 

I know the words by heart. 

She often sang it as cancer's clutches tightened their grip.  

Because I know who holds the future, 

And life is worth the living 

Just because He lives. 

My mom loved music.

She loved all kinds of music. 

I grew up listening to albums of the Beach Boys, Rhapsody in Blue, 

The Kingston Trio and even the Smothers Brothers. 

There was always music coming from that stereo in the hall. 

I can still hear the sound the albums would make, especially at Christmas, when the album would change. 

Even now listening to songs evoke a memory. 

And today when Gary's depression has hit a low; as the sun sank lower in the sky and the pinkish hue caught me off guard; as the uncertainty of these days threaten to overwhelm; these words come to me. 

Because He lives. . . I can face tomorrow. 

I can't do this on my own. 

There is nothing left to give. 

I am broken and spilled out. 

I am grieving. I am trying to run a business. I am trying to be strong for these children in my nest. 

And for the moment, I close my eyes; I hear the beautiful words. 

Because I know who holds the future. . .

I do know who holds the future.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that God is right there.

 Though I can't see Him.  

And though things around me are falling apart.

I know He is right there. 

And you know what? He's going to make it all beautiful.

2 Corinthians 4:7

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this 

all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

 Really He will. 

He is going to take this broken situation. He is going to take all this pain and heartache. 

And He is going to make something beautiful.

 Because that is what He does. 

He is the God who restores. He is the God who heals. 

He is mighty and merciful. 

And He's coming back. 

And when He does. You're not going to want to miss it. 

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory

And I'll know He lives. 

Won't you take a few moments and listen to this song. 

I pray that all your fear will be gone. And that you will know He lives. 

That you can surrender all that hurts and causes you pain. 

That for a moment you can find the peace that comes, 

when you know who holds your future. 

Do You Have A Hope And A Future?

We stopped at the Diner on the way home. 

I just love that place. 

2 different strangers, now friends, sent gift certificates so we could go. 

It seems to be a good place after the hospital. 

The booths bring comfort. The coffee;  hot and delicious. 

The food; just perfect.

We talk. We make plans. 

It's the we that is so exciting. Recently I have done most of the talking. 

(Ok, so, I usually do most of the talking)

But this time he shared too. It was wonderful. 

We talked about plans for the Spring. 

A plan.

Things that need to get done. 

A future. 

The needs for pasture as Spring is right around the corner. 

Hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

We hold on to that hope. 

We cling to the promises. 

We do not know what the future holds. 

But we know who holds the future. 

This journey is riddled with pain and uncertainty. 

I ache for it to be different. 

Yet we are equipped to walk every step of the way. 

One day with Christ is better than a thousand elsewhere. 

Through your pain; can you see hope? 

Through the joy; do you see the future? 

I hope so. 

A 6 month Walk No One Wants To Take

I stand still in the kitchen. 

I have cried out to God most of the day. 

I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. 

My soul is unsettled and I long for peace.

So I stand.

In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. 

Meals continue to come.

I have little to offer. 

My soul weary from the battle. 

So I stand. 

It is quiet. 

I breathe deep. 

I sense the presence of God. 

The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. 

For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. 

I stand for a moment on Holy Ground. 

It has been 6 months. 

6 months since our red headed boy was torn from us.
Since I have seen his blue eyes, heard him call me mom;
since my heart was shattered into a million pieces.
6 months of leaning into a life I don't like.

6 months of walking by faith alone. 

The journey has not been easy. 

Many transitions, diagnosis of cancer, continued financial strain and dark, cold days. 

The song lyrics, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. . .runs through my head.
Because I am only as strong as I am weak.
6 months of breathing in deep the crushing pain; the missing.
The necessity of stepping forward each moment to get to hospital appointments, to attempt to get the other parts of necessary completed.
6 months of learning my absolute dependence on God.
There is no other way.
6 months of realizing there is no more future for one.
But there is hope and there is grace for those left behind.

6 months is a long time.
And thinking of longer is brutal and stabs the heart.
But in God's timing it is but a breath.
So we will continue to walk one step a time.
I don't want a future with out my son. 
But I want a future walking God's way, more. 
I don't want a future with out my farmer.
I want a future completely dependent on God. 
I don't want to leave God's presence. Not for a moment.
I am held. He is there.
Even when it falls apart. Even when I feel alone.
And as I continue to stand.
I will breathe in deep.
I will rest, in His unfailing love. 

Draw me close to you Lord. 
Never let me go
I'll lay it all down again
To hear you say that I am your friend
You are my desire,
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
Oh help me find a way. . . .
You're all I want. . .You're all I've ever needed. 

Are You Hurting? He Longs To Hold You.

Today is Day #14 of Radiation.

He is half way through Chemo.

The side effects have been minimal. . .up until now.

This week  they have begun to wield their wrath.

It began with a metallic taste and now has moved to no taste or having a foul taste. 

This is a man who rarely, if at all, complains.

Ok, rarely, if at all speaks. 

But he rarely complains.

He pushes on no matter what. 

He is driven;

in work, faith, commitment.

There is a danger in this. 

Success of treatments needs a healthy body. 

He needs to eat and drink. 

Today I will begin trying some alternative recipes. 

Shakes from McDonald's.

He's so lucky to have me. 

Really, I will make those shakes and pray over every ingredient.

I long for the days when my life was before July 28, 2013.

I long for mornings when I woke joyful and ready for the day. 

I long for the day when Christ will return and my heart will no longer be broken.

But that is not the course for us right now. 

Right now includes our changed family.  

I pause each night by Elijah's door. 

I say his name because I want to hear it. 

I say good night because how do you stop caring for your child? 

Right now includes cancer. 

I plead before the throne of grace each day for strength. 

Today we will face whatever comes our way. 

We will face it with strength that comes not from us. 

Psalm 121

 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

The sun shone for a bit yesterday. 

I pulled back the curtain that covers our Terrace doors to keep the warmth in. 

But it also keeps much light out. 

Yesterday we let it in. 

I hope you let the love of Christ in. 

Pull back whatever keeps you from seeing. 

Lay down what ever is heavy and too much to carry. 

He longs to take it for you. 

I know.

He does it for me everyday. 

Because everything I know has changed.

Everything I knew, is gone.

My life is not my own.

He holds me each step I take.

Each step; when I am angry and don't understand how a loving God can allow me to hurt so badly.

When I hurt, and I can hardly breathe.

And when I am so scared about what the future holds. 

He holds me.