Starting Them Young

We have another permitted driver in the house. 

The boy who struggles in school, scored 100% on the test. 

A better score than all 3 of his older siblings. 

Driving is natural for him. 

He drove a standard home from the test. 

He's been at it since he was small. 

So much like his father. 

I think there will be a little lady just like him. 

Like the ladies before her. 

They start them young on the farm. 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go:

 and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

The Farm Boy Left Behind

He loves to be out doors. 

Always has. 

He'd cry when the farmer was heading out. 

We'd strategize how long he could stay outside. 

When his nap should be.

Often it was taken with a  grease rag  pillow; somewhere in the tractor. 

 Wanting to be with his father. 

Longing to be close to the earth. 

Now he races tracks on this land. 

He tills and toils and lifts and creates, 

Jumps and turns. 

It exhausts him. 

He pushes his muscles and expends the relentless energy. 

So committed. 

Yet, still so young. 

A child some days.

Full grown man others. 

The death of his brother leaving him the oldest brother. 

A confusing place.

Roles changed. 

Piercing pain, yet pulled to lead. 

The 4 walls of a classroom claustrophobic. 

Knowledge flowing easily when the hands seek the learning. 

Struggles. 

Tension.

Wrestling with, who am I?

This man boy. 

So different from his brother. 

Yet so a like. 

Searching for truth. 

No hypocrisy. 

Closing in on a year. 

The last picture taken together. 

The last time they saw one another. 

The next the sweet reunion, in Glory. 

I pray for this man-boy.
My only son.
I watch him.
Longing for him to have joy.
My prayer is not for my child to be happy.
Nor is it for him to be successful.
I long for my boy to make choices that will make a difference in this world.
To not be a taker.
To take the gifts he has and use them for God's glory. . .not his own.
We're headed off the two of us to the races.

Praying for sweet time together.

Colossians 3:17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, 
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
 giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Seeing The Wonder

I walk onto the field. 

It's the first home game. 

The first time I have walked onto this field since Elijah played. 

My friend is with me. 

She who has walked with me and supported me. 

Surprisingly, a sense of peace washes over me. 

I was blessed. 

So blessed by my son. 

I loved watching his team play. 

I think back to the day Caleb brought those sticks to the house. 

I didn't even know what the sport was. 

The kids loved it. 

Lacrosse became their game.

 I smile remembering. 

I look around. 

If I don't embrace the holiness of this moment and see the wonder

 I will miss the gifts God's is longing to send. 

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; 

therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. 

For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

I allow myself to remember. 

Slowly. There is an ache, with a sense of peace; with longing. 

I look at my friend. 

She knows. 

I thank God once again for the 17 years. 

Each one so precious. 

I stand up straight and watch as Cedric's team gets ready. 

I glance around. 

It's time for another season. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Laughing In The Graveyard

The boy leaves me undone. 

Most days are difficult. 

Each word is poison and I can't begin to help him. 

He's lost a brother. Dealt with his beloved father being so sick and he's 14. 

I would come unglued. 

He's still fragile in the faith. 

And he's lashing out. 

But sometimes there are glimpses of what is to come. 

The veil pulled back and the blue eyes shine. 

There is humor and there is a sensitivity, so like his fathers. 

But this growing and stretching is hard on me. 

So when there is a calm. I embrace it. 

When he leaves me undone. I count 1,000 gifts. 

I leave Lilies at Elijah's grave.

No headstone marks his space. . . yet. 

The Lilies a marker. Something to do. 

Some way to serve.

I place them. 

That blonde haired, blue eyed boy hollers. He shouts it out loud;

Mom! What are you doing? Elijah hated those things. 

They stink. 

And right in the middle of the graveyard. 

In the deep crevice of missing and longing; I laugh. 

I cry. 

And I am sure I made other noises that are not becoming. 

But the grace that fills the heart when the laughter comes is warm. 

That boy has left me undone. 

Oh to be a people that can laugh and find joy even when the hurt is crushing. 

Psalm 30:5

weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I left the stinky Lilies at the grave. 

One for my mom, one for my son.

I brought the other home. 

One for my in-laws. 

I will plant that stinky Lily somewhere here. 

I haven't been able to grow anything; but this, I will try. 

Maybe I will see it grow. 

If we can't bend and yield to the Savior's leading, we will be left behind. 

We miss the grace he longs to pour out on his people. 

Even in a graveyard there is hope. 

I am reminded of the "Dance In The Graveyard" song Ana sang at her concert in the fall. 

The drumming brings me to my knees missing my redheaded drummer. 

He would have loved this song. 

For me, it showed the joy of the sweet reunion we all long for. 

Someday we will be reunited with our loved ones. 

If you have surrendered and bowed low to the giver of life, this gift is yours. 

We will laugh, and we will dance. 

Psalm 30:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; 

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

Honoring Those Who Served. . .Day #11 of Thankfulness

You won't wear the uniform.

The pride that ran so deep never to be experienced.

Life ended so abruptly

Dreams shattered

Cuts like a knife

The memories; all that are left

It is Veteran's Day
And the Birthday of the Marines.

This is the uniform that I hold in my heart now.
It will be forever etched in my mind.

Right there in that moment your present and future mingled.
Yet your future never to be.
And the grace that is given this side of eternity leaves me once again undone.
We are given the Marine Flag.



Cedric heads to the woods.
He returns with a Cedar post for a flag pole.
We will now proudly display the American Flag along with the Marine Flag.
That Cedric. Is growing into a fine young man.

Day #11 of Thankfulness
Today I am thankful for:
The Marines and the desire our son had to serve
The men and woman who are serving now
Those who have served
 families with loved ones serving
Those that have given their life for our freedom
This country and the freedoms we have because so many gave
Our flag and what it represents
My dad, Uncle Harold, Uncle Richard and Uncle Buddy for their dedication and service to our Country

A son with a heart that is broken and uses his grief to serve.
A Memorial Service to remember children who have gone before their parents
God who will never let us go, who holds us in the palm of his hands

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Please stand with me as we honor the great American Heros

Thank you

Even in Death The Single Socks Haunt Me. . . Day # 6 of Thankfulness

It's the missing that stops me short.

The desire to see him.

To chat before he falls asleep.

I sit on the edge of his bed.

I close my eyes. 

Oh, how can this be?

I shake my head and look around the room. 

What do I do now? 

Pack up all his things? 

Relegate his life to a box?

My weary heart is not ready for this.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I pick up the pile of solo socks I have taken from his sock drawer and walk down stairs.

Even in death the single socks haunt me.

Cedric has been wearing his clothes. 

I fold laundry and catch my breath on each shirt.

Cedric.

My second born son.

Now the only.

The only brother.

The energetic, sensitive child.

The one who feels more than most. 

His expression-through music. . .art-creativity.

He picks up the guitar one day, and teaches himself how to play. 

He writes a song for his brother. 

The painful emotions of a bond severed in two. 

And for this boy I am Thankful
Day # 6 of Thankfulness:
For his rapid entry into this world
The energy he brings

Sensitivity that leaves my heart swelling

Artistic expression
Musical ability
A mind that can create, dream and hope without boundaries

Blue eyes full of mischief, just like his father and papa before him
the farming blood that runs deep in his veins
his ability to make me laugh when I am so angry
 his desire to serve the Lord and wrestle with what authentic living looks like

his confidence in who he is

For not fitting into a mold and being ok with that

For having a messy room
For creating small scale farms
For loving his brother, forged through years of desperate battles

reminding me that life goes on and there is joy in the journey.

And this boy has not been to the barn on a regular basis since his brother died.
We have given him space.
He has now crossed that bridge.
It has been 14 weeks.
So, I pray deep and long for this boy.
And I give Thanks.

Ephesians 1:16
I have not stopped giving thanks for you, 
remembering you in my prayers.

I pour out my heart.
I step into peace that only God can offer.
Peace and assurance, that we are loved, that God sees the whole picture.

Maybe We Will Survive

The reality of our son not being here for the rest of our  lives,
 is weighing heavy on my heart.
The missing is overpowering at times.

It takes my breath away. I feel as if my heart will break. 

And really, it has; 

into a million pieces. . .

The pieces are being replaced day by day. Prayer by prayer. 

But it will never be the same.

Deuteronomy 7:9

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,

The equipment on this farm is decades old.
It is the farming way.
It frustrated the boys.
Farming can be rewarding. . .yet hard.
My farmer can fix almost anything;
make it run, squeeze more life out of it. . .
until it squeezes life out of him, I begin to wonder.
And that is where my mind has gone over the past few days.
I have lost a son.
Will I also lose my best friend and husband?
The chances are. . .at some point I may.
So, I push for a new piece of equipment.
2 actually.

I head to the field to see how this works.
We have a new rake.

I rode with Gary for awhile. 

The color rich in hue.

The sun warm.

But I still can't feel. 

I long to know the joy such a day would bring.
God displays his majesty in the richness of his creation.
And my heart just hurts.
I still let the sun poor over me.
 I give thanks for what I have. 

I give thanks for this day and the hay we were able to get in.
And I know He is healing us.
I know He is right there.

The field is so clean.
3 rows are raked together, cutting time down raking, as well as baling.
Efficiency and improving the bottom line.

Maybe we will survive.

Cedric is excited.
He is all for efficiency and trying new equipment.
Elijah would have loved it.
It is to honor him  and bless Cedric that we stepped out of our comfort zone.
(The girls get more excited when we get new bottles for the calves, or actually get the calves out on pasture. Clarissa just sneezes and stays away.)

We cry out for mercy as we wait for results;
as our hearts ache.
Each day we move forward.
We seek strength for the journey, because it is too hard.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
 for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Yet we know we are being held.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, 
and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, 
nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”